"Shh, I'm trying to think here..."
Protect Celestia1,762 stories ·1,946 members
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A failed assault, a shamed monarch, and a spiteful sister.
The world has taken much from Chrysalis, but when her own nation is stolen from her, with her life almost following suit, she finds herself granted kindness from an unlikely source; the very ponies who she had wronged.
What kind of future can she hope to have, now that everything that she holds dear has been stripped from her?
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Another good story from you
Sympathetic story...
Tracking without another thought.
nice I like this, I can't wait to see where this goes
Hm....
To be honest the only reason I read this is because you wrote it Silent. I am impressed so far, you did well on the Mane 6 and Celestia, and perhaps Chrysalis as well particularity the last part let her have her dignity. For now I will add this to my "Protect Celestia" group, and wait a few more chapters before seeing if it should be added to "Ponies aren't Monsters".
How do they even recognize her? She looks like a little kid. At most, they should be able to see a family resemblance.
Lookin' forward to read more, the introduction was quite something.
Listening to Xion's theme from Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days while reading this makes it horribly sad...
Be right back, getting a large amount of feels from the ending of that game...
This is great so far, can't wait for next chapter.
Wow what a surprise.
The queen is doposta with a coup and sentenced to exile without any opportunity to defend themselves and sena an escort of soldiers from the dangers that can poteggerla.
I would not do the pessimist but that will end badly.
Well, if someone could reform Trixie ( Reality Jumper), then I should have expected this.
You've got me. Will fave and up vote. Waiting for more.
2292314
The new queen obviously failed to read the Evil Overlord's Handbook, which states that you kill the deposed rival and not exile them.
This is interesting. On to my read list!
Also:
Still issues, I see... anyone got that problem and knows how to circumvent it?
Oh, so after I finish reading the chapter, now is a good moment for you to space out the lines? Why do I have such stupid problems. You see, when I started reading this, there was absolutely no space between the lines. None at all. One giant wall of text. Not even changing the spacing in the menu changed a thing. Now, I get to the end and guess what? It suddenly fixed itself... even if I tried that before...
Oh, well. I will simply reread it. Should be easier to go with it now.
Sorry for that. But really, does anyone know how to deal with it?
Finally a story about Chrysalis that I like. I can't wait to see what this story brings.
2292653
I actually laughed out loud at this.
VERY good start to what may be an awesome story.
2292892
I'm not kidding, there really is an Evil Overlord's Handbook.
2288160
I felt my heartstrings snap at this
*SNAP* MY HEART STRINGS!
Oh god. The feels
A heart- touching story, I must say
For a moment I thought this was related to the episode Keep Calm and Flutter on, but with a little more empathy
Poor Chrysalis...
I am officially intrigued
What kind of asshat would be the one person to dislike this?
I say we hunt him/her down and beat him/her with socks full of soap bars.
EDIT: Now TWO people have disliked it?! Alright, someone call the president. We have a national crisis on our hands.
2294919 I SECOND THIS!
*sharpens knife*
Oh what...this? This is for the steak I'm having...
I'm sorry, but I can't help but be nitpicky about this. Changelings have chitin because they DON'T have bones. It's the same thing with insects. Hard exoskeleton to protect the insides. You don't have to fix, I just wanted to throw my view on the scenario in there.
Anyways, great work and I eagerly await more. Fav and like for you sir!
2295737
I like to think of them as having a combination of both. Bones in some places, exoskeleton in others. Sort of a fusion between insect and equine. Or whatever...
Anyway, I'm keeping an eye on this.
2288600
Her voice?
If the quality of the writing stays this good, then I'll add this not only to my list of favorite fanfics in general, but to my list of favorite STORIES in general. (A title held so far only by Battle Royale and Elfen Lied.)
2295860 I suppose thats fair enough... and I can kin of see it
For some reason I imagined Celestia wearing an obnoxious shit-eating grin throughout most of that conversation with Chrysalis.
I've always had a soft spot for a... "reformed/learned from her mistakes/defeated" Chrysalis and you my friend... Have started a very beautiful story. I hope to see an update soon.
2295878
How do they recognize her voice? Does she not sound like a little kid?
Well, can't say I feel sorry for her; executions to keep her subjects are just one of her many mistakes, apparently.
I will say the opening was far too rushed. Lots of exposition with little emotional content. The rest was pretty darn awesome, though. Honestly I think you should've started the story with Twi and co finding her under the bridge, and introduced the exchange at the start as a flashback later in the story.
2292870
Are the paragraph indentations not showing for you? It looks fine to me.
*Sigh* Chryssie, a fallen monarch in exile amongst her worst enemies gets few things, even dignity. You have your life and you may yet find a source of love beyond your imagination but, right now, you are in a cage; a gilded cage but a cage nonetheless. Accept the kindness they offer you and focus on regaining your strength. Dignity is a luxury you can afford after the Reaper is no longer standing at your side, sharpening his scythe.
It should be interesting to see if Chrysalis maintains her vaguely-agreeable demeanour when she isn't on the verge of death.
It should also be interesting to see if all the ponies can resist the temptation to remove an 'enemy in their midst'.
2298339
But I just did not wanted to pause reading...
They are fine. I wasn't referring to this. I meant that the space between the lines of text(sorry, I don't know the proper English term) was non-existent.
For some reason setting it to 1.0 makes it so the lines are all packed together. There is no distance between one line and another. Setting it on 2.0 makes it more spaced and I can actually read. Though when I was commenting, the refresh of the text did not occur and I was forced to read it all packed.
In hindsight, I should have simply reloaded the page...
This looks like it it'll be fun, keep up the good work.
keen for another chapter
2288600
Maybe Chrysalis still has a somewhat higher but slightly echoed voice?
what?
Hmmm,
Just some constructive criticism, not trying to be a dick here. Story has potential, and I just want to help since I love Chrysalis stories.
I would suggest finding a proofreader, there were some telly parts in it, and a lot of rushed parts. I find 5000 words is too short from Chrysalis being banished, to injury, and finally to being taken care of
Have spaces between paragraphs, as of right now it looks like a wall of text.
In the beginning of the story, it seems Chrysalis sister burned off her wings, yet later she mentioned that they were ruined in the fall.
As I mentioned above, I do like Chrysalis/changeling stories. Another point of advice, try and make your story stand out. There are a lot of Chrysalis/changeling being injured and taken care of by the main characters. In addition, there is a lot of Chrysalis banishment stories. Try and make your story stick out there if you want,.
Hope that helps.
Foxy Kimchi
2309573
If you're willing to offer such helpful advice, I'm more than willing to ask for some pointers, though I do feel the need to defend the length of the chapter with the argument of that my last story had a really long first chapter and I saw more than a few complaints about it; though I am now going through the process of adding/rewriting some of this stories'. I could easily break 10k.
Spacing of paragraphs and new lines is something of a mystery to me on here; is there a code I'm missing/not using that allows for better spacing between paragraphs, or am I just being simple and not adding the spacing where I should be?
Her sister didn't burn off her wings, they shrank to a smaller size along with the rest of her body. The damage to her wings due to the rope is a completely separate injury.
I apologize for the rushed feel of some parts, and for the telly parts (though I'm not quite sure what this is meant to be implying...)
I kinda slapped a lot of it together between lessons and study, so it might have that feel to it. And I admit my proof reading skills might be a little lackluster, but again I didn't have a huge amount of time to do it. In hindsight, I really should have paced this over a week or more rather than a few days.
On the topic of making the story stand out, I kinda didn't expect it to hit the featured board of the front page; I wanted to see if I could manage to post another story (granted it's one I've had the urge to write since after I began writing Changing Times) without it being a huge success and manage to slip back under the radar.
Guess I failed there, huh?
Anyway, thanks for your advice; it's really cool to get a comment from you since I loved March to the Scaffold. Hell, I re-read it almost every week.
2310072
To put more space between paragraphs, hit enter again, just like you did in the comment I'm replying to. I don't think there's an option to do it automatically.
2310356
Ah, cheers for that.
I was simply unsure; I usually use Word, and it has the spacing for it automatically, so...
2310072
Why thank you! As I mentioned above I just wanted to help. Now the reason why I could point out some things is not because I am some master writer, but because I have failed so many times on my part, that I started to pick it up. For the two fics I have posted, I use a lot of editors and pre-readers. Thats how I find mistakes, is when my editors point out mine. For example, for the first couple of chapters on March to the Scaffold, I used 5 different editors to get it cleaned up enough for EqD. So it is from my failure that I am able to somewhat get mistakes. Trust, I still need help.
So where is what I learned so far,
Spacing. For me, I put a space between paragraphs. In addition, I do it for dialogue too. So when have multiple lines of dialogue between different characters, I put a space. To me it helps me from becoming a block of text, and shows when a different character is talking. For example, instead of:
"Hey there!" Twilight Sparkle exclaimed.
"Hey Twilight," replied spike.
I use:
"Hey there!" Twilight Sparkle exclaimed.
"Hey Twilight," replied spike.
The same thing goes for paragraphs. Every time it goes to a new paragraph, add a space in between. So here is your story,
Instead, try
If you are using word, it does not transfer spaces over when you are using double space. You have to physically enter them. For me personally, I learned that gDocs is much better for this. Mainly that if you do find editors, it allows for easy editing. Also, I find it is best to use the "insert line" function when you want to show a scene change. so instead of a space, use the [ h r ] command. Type that in between scenes (no spaces) and it will insert a line between the two segments.
Ok, so next thing, what is 'telly' parts. When you are writing, it is best not to tell what is happening, but to show what is happened. For example, this sentence just tells what Chrysalis is feeling.
.
This is 'telly'
Instead, show what she is feeling. So make it something like.
There in this sentence, it does not tell that she is cold, but rather shows how she feels. It paints a picture in the reader's mind. Show she feels rather than tell how she feels. Trust it, it took a lot of work for me to start thinking like this, and I routinely fall in its trap. It is not easy to do it right.
As I mentioned about the pace of it, I understand that feeling where you crank out a story when you get the mood. I tend to write in large chunks, so spacing sometimes elude me. It really helps to find editors. What I usually do is write a big chunk/chapter, and then send it to my editors so we can all review it. For me personally, I felt that a lot happened in a short amount of time. Chrysalis was betrayed, banished, injured, and saved all in 5k words. It leaves segments out. You could add so much more to flesh it out.
So that is some advice that I can give. As for your story, it is up to you want you want to do. If you want to write it one way, then you do not have to listen to me. For me, when I wrote March to the Scaffold, my goal was to make a different and unique Chrysalis story. There are a lot out there that share the same premise, and I wanted to make my own mark. Again thats me, I hell I could be wrong.
Funny, when I think about changelings and Chrysalis, it makes me have another idea for a Chrysalis story hehe. Now I have too many ideas at once as I am already working my current project.
So I hope that helps, and I wish the best of luck to your endeavors. Sorry for rambling, I am tipsy at the moment.
Foxy Kimchi
2310935
Y'know, this really does help, and I'll be sure to add this all to my list of things to keep my eye on in future.
Thanks for all the advice, it's fantastic that you've taken time from your schedule to write this all and assist me, and I really don't think I can thank you enough for it.
Now, with all of this up my sleeve, I've a first chapter to rewrite; hopefully I can get it right and give our fellow Chrysalis/Changeling fans something worth reading.
2310971
No problem! Don't sell yourself short, your story is not wrong by any stretch of the imaginiation.
If looking for proof-readers, I would suggest here the Proofreader's Group. Find a proofreader that you think you need, If you are using editors, I would highly suggest using gDocs.
And no problem, I do love to help. If you need any help/suggestion/whatever, I would be glad to help.
Foxy Kimchi
This is a good start for a really aweseome story, faved this, can't wait for the next update!