Twilight was in Celestia's private library, having been asked to categorise the books in return for being allowed to use them as she please. Her wings were gently folded against her sides, her mane blowing slightly in the breeze coming from the window. Everything was coloured with very warm colours, almost a little bright for normal eyes. If Twilight was not used to it, she might have squinted upon first entering the room. This was not the first time she had come in here, having made it a regular event after Celestia allowed her to be in here.
Reading a passage a few times, she gently placed the book down and stood up, a determined smile on her face. There was a spell in here that said something about youth; however she was unable to fully translate the old runic writing that was common in Celestia's old tomes. Twilight had not been looking for anything specific, but if this spell did what she hoped she might be able to use it to make sure her friends would be able to live as long as she was able. Twilight wasn't counting on it, she even said as much in her notes gently written in a book right next to her. She believed it was better to try and fail, then to never try at all.
"Xuventude de carne, meu vello. Fai-me unha potranca*." Twilight felt the spell take hold, and began pouring magic into it, a magical wind picking up and blowing the pages. Twilight expected it to take a lot out of her, and she was not disappointed, after being left puffing for breath, the spells appetite was sated and a bright flash overtook her. When it vanished, Twilight was unharmed except for one little detail. She was barely centimetres (or inches) tall and her wings were badly underdeveloped. Her eyes were too big for her head and she was only aware of one thing, she was hungry.
"Celestia, we wish to put up a statue in your honour in Manhattan." Celestia gazed down at the pony and sighed, rubbing her temple, she hated statues. Getting sudden inspiration, she had a better idea.
"Instead of one big statue, sell smaller statues and send the revenue to a charity." The colt in front bowed, seeming to be pleased with the solution, and quickly left to edit the papers she would have to sign for it. Luna walked in as he brushed passed, and her amused face elected an eye twitch from Luna.
"Why sister if I didn't know better, I would assume you hated statues." Celestia rolled her eyes, standing up from the throne and walking over. Opening her mouth to reply, they both blinked, wings rising in shock as a very loud cry rang out of Celestia's tower. The two Alicorns glanced to each other, before jumping out the window and flying to the tower to see what problems Twilight had caused this time. The mare in charge of Celestia's documents huffed, and closed the tribunal before heading toward her desk to file the papers.
"Oh come on Tia, this is hilarious." Celestia growled once at her sister, gazing down at the little filly in front of her with a look that spoke her utter annoyance.
"Tell me you at least know how to reverse it" she spoke, wincing as the filly tried to eat her mane, tugging it hard. Luna gently whisked through the book, coming across the spell that would fix the problem. She gently breezed through the page, and lowered the book to look her sister straight in the face.
"Sorry Tia, there is no mention of how to reverse it." Ever so slightly Luna's magic strengthened, and a simple concealing spell covered the page that would solve the problem, making it stick to the page in front, completely concealing it. Celestia gently took the book, flipping through it she sighed before putting it down.
"Well what are we supposed to do then? I can't look after a filly, let alone an Alicorn filly. That's the definition of high maintenance." Luna rolled her eyes, grabbing everything Twilight had used and heading for the porch.
"Just look after her for a while, I'll try to find a solution. It's not that hard looking after a baby Tia." With that Luna flew away, leaving Celestia to look after a very hungry Twilight Princess. Celestia turned her gaze to the filly, and their eyes met. Suddenly the filly began to tear up.
"Oh no" Celestia quickly covered her ears as Twilight made an ear-splitting cry before quieting to see if she got a response.
"What do you want?" Twilight bit down and pulled on Celestia's mane again, and began chewing on it. Celestia realised the filly wanted food as her mane began to rapidly disappear down her throat. She was out the door in seconds, causing the guards to blink in shock as a worried Celestia breezed past with a filly rapidly destroying the flowing mane that she was renowned for.
"Quick, cook" Celestia said, ignoring the shocked gazed of the dozen cooks the castle had at its disposal. Their gazes went to the filly, and mixed reactions from simply blinking to hiding laughter behind a cough could be heard.
"What do fillies eat, make some and hurry she is up to my neck already!" Some of the cooks managed to turn and prepare a small meal for the filly to eat, while other layed on the floor groaning as they tried to contain their amusement at Celestia being taken down by a filly. Even as they cooked, a smile was on their face, and soon enough they brought a bowl over and the princes took it with her magic.
"Here Twilight; how about some real food instead of my hair?" The filly stopped chewing, and glanced to the food. With a gentle pop, she opened her mouth and all the princesses mane flew out of her mouth, covered in spit, to slap on to Celestia's face. Twilight was on Celestia's back, and Celestia hovered the meal right next to her and let the filly eat as she gently pulled her soaking wet mane off her face, trying to hide her look of disgust. As laughter filled the room, she glanced to the guards and cooks watching and felt her face redden.
"Thank you, that will be all" she managed to say, taking her wet mane, rapidly eating filly that was sitting on a white coat, out of the room and towards her bedchambers. Celestia flinched as something wet hit her back, and hesitantly turned to see Twilight was now playing with the food, slapping it on to Celestia's white coat. Celestia lowered her head, gritted her teeth and continued walking. Today was going to be a VERY LONG DAY. Suddenly a smell reached her nose and crinkling it she turned to look back at Twilight. Something began to trickle down her coat, and she widened her eyes and made a beeline for a toilet.
"CURSE YOU LUNA."
Very rarely do I do this, but... FIRST CHAPTER FAVORITE!
You have done a great job here.
~Dess
2266355
:D thanks I hope I made you laugh at least once ^_^
me like it!!!
faved and moustache for you
2266428
Well Celestia is already losing her patience. This can't end well.
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ONORE LUNA
An interesting idea written with a notable lack of care and expertise. There are several instances of the you confusing two words that sound the same with entirely different meanings.
For example:
>Celestia realised the filly wanted food as her mane began to rapidly disappear down her thought
>down her thought
>thought
So Twilight descended into the abstract plane of incorporeal musings and mental examinations, then? I believe the word you were looking for is "throat".
Sloppy writing, no other way about it. Chances are you misspelled "throat" and jumped on the auto-correct's first suggestion.
It got potential, I like it so far.
Keep the awesome work coming and always remember that your awesome!
2266632
Damn I always get that wrong. I'll try and fix that if I get time
2266698
Thanks~
2266632
Alright I quickly revised it, anything I missed?
"Luna has tricked Celestia into believing there is no cure"
why?....
"and now as Luna tries to 'find a cure'"
but you just said she said there was no cure , so how can they be looking for one then?.....
2266760
Your name, for one.
>Warewolves
What kind of ware? Hardware or software? Or were you thinking of "Werewolves"?
But seriously, there's plenty of mistakes and I don't feel particularly inclined to play editor. I'm sure that if you ask nicely enough someone will heed the call, but it won't be me.
2266769
Why? If I explained that it would ruin part of the story.
Let me say this, there is a cure, if you read the opening, Luna tricked Celestia into believing there isn't one In that book and got Celestia to look after filly Twilight while she went off to apparently 'search for a cure'
2266782
I am Warewolves, I will always be warewolves and I'm not going to go into how my name came into existence.
Fair enough, thank you for your time anyway.
2266784 ok just making sure the logic for this wasn't completely broken before decided to take a look....
2266893
Fair enough
Can't wait for chapter 2!
moar dude. MOAR.
Youth meat old man
2266792
Well, you didn't get all defensive or play the victim, so for what it's worth I'll wish you the best of luck in writing and, more importantly, learning about and expanding your writing.
2267727
I write TO learn how to write better. I love people telling me what I've done wrong, because then I can LEARN.
When people just say 'this sucks', well how the hell am I supposed to stop it from sucking if you don't tell me what about it sucks?
I write and write and write, and eventually maybe what people say will stick and I will improve because of it.
2267701
I know, translations are funny.
2267944 It's my new favorite quote.
2268015
Enjoy
2267791
A good writer can make an engaging story. A great writer may make a poor story, but will learn from their mistakes and improve each time.
Your issues seem to concern style and some word confusion. Both are best remedied by simply reading more. I would suggest Terry Pratchett, for his sly humour and instantly recognizable style.
2268368
It's more hand-to brain co-ordination
My brain works quicker then my fingers, and so have trouble forcing myself to slow down because doing that means I might lose that train of inspiration. Slowly but surely I'm working to remedy that behaviour, but it's the cause of most of my errors.
The only advice I can give you is, find an editor. There's something about this that doesn't seem quite right, but hell if I can figure out what.
2269555
Thought I had one, but turned out they haven't replied back in a while. And I'm tired of getting a 'one time' editor. Find me a thorough editor that isn't going to vanish and only appear once a week, and then we'll talk.
2268411
Editing is a wonderful, terrible thing. You should make use of it more often, since that would most likely solve your little issue..
2269628
I use three different editors, non person.
2269692
Then you need new ones, suffice to say.
2269844
Find me a good one to use then.
Potential, I LIKE IT!
2269849 2269844
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Seriously guys. You should stop arguing. Just shake hands (or hooves if you use ponysonas I guess) and agree to disagree.
I could edit for you if you wished......
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That's all I have to say.
I'll continue reading, 'cause I like the premise, but you have a serious issue with showing versus telling. All of the conversations are cut and dry. They don't have any real body or emotion to them other than having them say what they need to get get something across. It's kind of like, even among the two sisters, everybody is in a business meeting. There are several instances where you repeat something that you said had already happened. The easiest one to point out is this:
You said that they cooked/are cooking the meal twice. There was no real interaction between them, no real friendliness that the cooks would have with their princess (you also misspelled princess there) considering they are accustomed to seeing her often.
Your best bet, as far as I've read now, is to work on emotion and fleshing out situations. Another perfect example is the opening. You tell us exactly whats going on. She's in the library. She's reading books because she made an arrangement with the princess (also, she would have access to that stuff regarless, being a princess herself and all). It's bright in there. You did tell us she would have squinted if she wasn't used to it, but that's something you should have shown us.
It's really difficult to explain the show/tell stuff as it's something you have to experience and get yourself used to. Read stories, especially highly renowned ones (I'd stay away from HiEs, because [and I know I'm going to get hate for this, but it has to be said] people who like HiEs tend to flock to HiEs regardless of whether they are good or not). See what they do, how they have the characters interact, how they manage their narration, and use that. Write more, and I don't mean just for this story or whatever. Just write quick stories, like 1000 words or whatever. Post them and see what people say, what feedback they give. Use that as practice. And, of course, practice, practice, practice.
Luna you troll.
No offence, but you seem to have a thing where a character talks and I have trouble knowing who it is.
2267088 So you picture is "Chicken.jpg"?
Twilight you pee on celestia and help me get my pay back you did good. now do it on you know who here is a pic.
lolololololololololololololololololololoololollololololololololol
trollololololololololololololololololololololololollololololol
This didn't start like most twi foal celestia mother fics. In those she's more than willing to raise a foal twilight, so this was an interesting start
I was kinda worried twi would swallow Tia's mane and choke on a hairball.
This is promising and I will read further. In fact, screw an early sleep tonight as planned, onward to the next chapter now
Why curse Luna Celestia?
"Her fault."
Not really... more of it's Twilight's fault.
"Thank you Dusk."
No prob. *cuddles*
This is a good story idea. I like it.
I do feel it is going a little fast and at times I had to go back and re-read a few lines because I felt like I missed something. I just got finished reading some high-stakes adventure story so I am most likely not in the correct gear to be reading this. The setup has everything it needs, but maybe there could have been a bit of build up before things started to get crazy.
Ending in nutshell
(•_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■) YEAAAAAAHH!!!
Wow this is just to cute i think i was going to faint at that also kawiii !!