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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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yeah... i just wolverined the hell out of that dragon! "thud"
Hmm. Still quite interesting, but you're starting to fall victim to the sin of writing, that being, you are telling me, not showing me. I understand that the format of the story necessitates that it seem to be this person relating things to a person listening to the story. The problem is, look at the last 3 chapters and count how many lines of dialogue there are. He met the mane 6, got established in Equestria, and figured out things about the local culture... and I'd be surprised if there were 10 lines of dialogue strung together.
This in and of itself isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it does feel a tad.... RUSHED. Slow down, man... explore the story. Give me some connection to the main character. Right now, you're speeding along so fast that I haven't really managed to connect to him or emphasize with him at all.
At this stage in the story, I shouldn't be going,"that's nice". You have way too much skill at description and narrative to be doing "Ok". You should be rocking my face off, but with this zipping along pace you've adopted, I lack the connection with the characters to REALLY DIG the story, you understand?