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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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It's raining chapters, HALLELUJAH.
i am sorry but i can't really get into your story. I would not say it is a bad story or anything , in fact i really like the concepts behind sam and samual. No what is preventing from getting into this story is that it has a major issue with "show don't tell". i made it all the way up to and through eyes on the horizon and i will admit that there was some improvement in the fact that you wrote some scenes in a semi-current situation mainly the scenes with dialog like the spa scene or applejack's reaction to Euphoria's injuries.
however, for the most part the story flow read ok this happened and then this happened and then she did this. which not saying it is a bad thing from the right perspective or theme but that style mainly works for "i am the reader and i am reading X's personal journal" which is first person past and not what you have created here which is 3rd person omnipotent. the end effect is flat characters and the feeling of a rushed story.
5175766
Thank you for your honesty. Your reply is similar to some I got when the story first went up and some time has passed since then. I was originally against editing my old chapters before finishing the story, but I can tell now that my writing has changed since then. Basically, I took the advice to heart regarding more recent chapters, so I really should go back and flesh out the previous ones as well when I have the time. I have the time now since my schedule is considerably lighter and I am already working on the next chapter. I figure so long as I don't stop writing new stuff, I can go back and polish the older ones, too. Maybe even extend them or post in-betweens. I don't know.
The perspective of the narrator is something to consider as well. I felt like Samuel's chapters should be in first person, but the locals were written in third person omnipotent as you point out. Maybe that was a bad call, but I can't undo that one now and at least I can try to improve on that angle. Personally, I feel Samuel and SAM take on very different appearences when viewed by an outsider and this helps remind the reader of their otherness.
5178700 i would say it was a bad call just that your execution was a little wonky when it came to the third person omnipotent. third person omnipotent work in one of two ways either A: it highlights one character and flows them around or B: it shines on everyone in the scene and the scene is what is static. if that makes any sense.
anyway if you have taken into count those issues like you said i might to atleast get caught up with the rest of your story. give it another shot and all that once i am finished with my current story.
I have to say that you sir are one of the reasons I just made a account on fim.
The characters really speak out in their own way and I enjoy the ultra technological earth you've made around SAM and Samuel and the depths of which you flesh out Equestria.
I truely look forwards to more from you.
~Mr. Commenter
5697902
Thank you for your comment. You just made my day. I just finished another chapter of the story and I hope you enjoy. This kind of feedback really helps be get back into writing this story.
Would Spike like some Teavwith his sugar?