The Sundering
Wind kissed Princess Celestia's face as she glided above the verdant countryside upon her broad, white wings. A smile spread across her muzzle as her nostrils flared and took in nature's scents. Her magenta eyes shifted to the mid-afternoon sun piercing through its cloudy veil.
She landed atop a hill overlooking a smattering of wheat fields and farmsteads. A cool wave of relaxation rippled through her as the soft grass matted beneath her hooves. Joy permeated her as she observed the simple earth ponies, her subjects, till the fields and tend the crops.
Despite the calm breeze, her long mane and tail flowed of their own accord. With her eternal strength and the Elements of Harmony, ancient artifacts of immeasurable power, she had ruled Equestria alongside her sister, Princess Luna, for over seven centuries.
Celestia's wings unfurled with a loud whoosh as she took flight once more. She waved a forehoof at her subjects as she soared overhead. They cheered her name and waved back. Ahead, in the midst of a meadow, she spotted Luna in a flowerbed.
“Sister!” Celestia's call rippled forth.
Luna perked up and beamed at her sister. Her dark sapphire coat contrasted beautifully with the surrounding lilies.
Celestia landed gently beside her and wrapped her right wing around Luna. “Oh, Luna, it is such a glorious day.”
Luna's warm cyan eyes met Celestia's. “This year's Summer Sun Celebration shall be the most memorable of them all.”
Celestia nodded. “All thanks to you. Your night was beautiful and set the stage for my dawn. You are truly a gift to this land—and to me.”
“Sister, you are too kind,” said Luna, rubbing her neck against Celestia's. “Where would I be without you?”
“It may not appear as such, but I cannot rule alone,” said Celestia, returning her sister's nuzzle. She wrapped her forelegs around Luna as she pulled her into a tight embrace. “You are more precious to me than all the sovereignty I have possessed during our long reign.”
Luna held Celestia tightly, and Celestia closed her eyes and said, “To think, our love and friendship have spared countless ponies from the anguish and suffering that plagued Equestria prior to our rule. Luna, with you at my side, this peace will last forever.”
A loud crack rent the sky, bringing Celestia out of her reverie. Luna had vanished from beneath her wing. Thunderheads now replaced the once docile clouds overhead. Eerie, disembodied laughter reached her ears. The sky grew dark as if it had choked out the daylight. Each beat of her thumping heart resonated throughout her as she sped toward the blackening sun. A lightning bolt punctuated by another peal of laughter flashed in front of her.
Celestia's ears flattened. She banked left and created a sphere of golden magic around her. Another bolt struck, this time scoring a direct hit. Electricity danced across her shield as she continued upward, undaunted. A gust bludgeoned her through the barrier, knocking the wind from her lungs. For a second, her magic faltered. A third blast of lightning split the air, shattering her defenses.
Celestia cried out as she spiraled earthward. The once fecund fields below withered. The strange laughter returned as Celestia found herself unable to move her wings or bring her magic to bear. An icy chill pervaded her trembling body as the ground rushed up to meet her. With another triumphant laugh ringing in her ears, she smashed into the dirt, and her vision faded into nothingness.
* * *
Celestia awoke, gasping at the air, which nearly choked her. Eyes darting around her royal bedchamber, she searched for the source of the vile magic she felt crawling over her sweat-matted coat. She sat upright, blinking in the dim light cast by the dregs of the fire crackling in the hearth and found nothing aside from her gold-trimmed, purple bedsheets laying in a mangled heap on the floor. The miasma came from outside her room.
“What manner of apparition was that? What foul magic is at work here?” Her words were feeble; the palpable vibrations of dark magic clawed at her heart.
Celestia rolled off the bed, landing ungainly on her hooves. After taking a moment to steady herself, she plodded toward the fireplace. A breath of cold air snuffed out the fire. Her skin prickled. She swallowed a lump in her throat as she looked to the doorway. Magic from her horn shimmered around the door's handle, and it swung open. She flared her wings and strode through the doorway. Breath caught in her throat as she looked to either side. The guards were nowhere in sight.
The Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters was dark, as was expected for this time of night, save for the flickering torches lining the walls. But this perceived normalcy did little to set her at ease. A series of clacks filled the air as her hooves clopped along the tile. Struggling to keep her pace measured, she headed down the cavernous hallway toward the nearest window. Bathed in pale moonlight, Celestia gazed into the evening sky.
Her eyes narrowed. The moon should not have been this high so close to daybreak. She whipped around and strode toward the staircase leading to the castle's tallest tower. Her pace quickened when she noticed alabaster light pulsing from the top floor. There was no doubt in her mind—sorcery was at work. She broke into a full gallop.
“White magic...”
Celestia skidded to a halt once she ascended the stairs and entered the cavernous chamber atop the tower. The long dark blue room, lined with thick pillars, appeared deserted. Only the unnerving moonlight provided illumination. She approached the dais at the room's opposite end, searching for any sign of her sister.
She climbed the dais's three steps and stood in its centre. Gazing at the full moon through the massive window, she summoned the powers of her birthright. Celestia closed her eyes as her horn emitted a blinding glow. The magic surged through her as she prepared to usher in the new day, the longest of the year. Her heart rate returned to normal. She took several deep breaths as her magic neared completion, knowing that when she opened her eyes, the sun would begin its ascent.
Celestia's eyes opened, and the sky remained dark.
She took an involuntary step back. The same eerie laughter that had haunted her dream filled the chamber. Celestia spun around as a thunderclap rang out. Princess Luna, clad in light blue battle armour—high hoofguards, a crescent moon-emblazoned chest plate, and helmet—stood before her.
“Your magic is useless here, sister!” said Luna. Her mane and tail looked as if they were slowly eroding into a starry purple mist.
Celestia's blood ran cold. “Luna, what is the meaning of this?”
Luna pawed at the ground. “Your reign is at an end.”
“My—my reign?” Celestia touched a forehoof to her chest. “What do you mean, 'my reign'? We have always ruled this kingdom together, as equals!”
Luna grimaced as she crackled with dark electricity. “How predictable. For centuries, you have suffocated me with your lies and crushed me beneath your hoof!” Her mane decayed further as she spoke.
Celestia's ears pounded as Luna's words lashed her like a barbed whip. “Sister, what madness has seized your heart? Our twin thrones have always sat side by side, our crowns have always held equal weight, and our subjects have always cherished us with the same reverence!”
“'Tis a lie!” An armoured forehoof struck the ground to underscore her booming cry. “Do you think me so naive? Do you think I am unaware of your subjects' actions?” Tears glistened in Luna's eyes as black blotches began spreading across her coat. “Night after night, they slumber and shun my beauteous opus!”
Luna stepped forward, and the blight continued to spread. “No, you and everypony in Equestria have balked me for centuries; I am, and always have been, a powerless figurehead—your lesser subordinate! But no more. Tonight it ends, sister.”
Celestia rushed forward. “Luna, what is happening to you?”
As Celestia wrapped Luna in a warm embrace, Luna screamed and emitted a blinding flash of light. Celestia's heart wrenched as the blast threw her backward. Lying flat on her back, she clutched her chest like she had been stabbed. As the light faded, hot tears clouded her vision.
Luna lay on the ground in a heap, but her coat's original colour had been turned completely black by the strange power. Celestia's throat constricted. Luna's mark, a black blotch that a crescent moon rested upon, had somehow transformed into purple.
“Y-your mark! But—but how?” Celestia struggled to force herself to speak. “Your destiny! How has it changed? How is it possible? How does such depraved sorcery exist?”
Luna slowly rose to her hooves. When Celestia opened her eyes, the hair on her back stood on end. Luna's eyes now bore sinister, slitted, dragon-like irises.
Luna tossed her head back and laughed. Her mane and tail had now completely disintegrated into their new mist-like form. “You fool! You are now faced with powers beyond your feeble understanding! To challenge me is to seek your own demise!”
Luna flared her wings, and a wave of total darkness rippled forth, extinguishing all light before it. “The pony you called Luna is no more—her destiny a farce. I have realized my true purpose...” Darkness began to swell around her as white lightning crackled from her horn. “... and in doing so, I have become something more, somepony greater than you could ever dream of! I have become Nightmare Moon!”
Celestia's eyes hardened as she stood up, meeting Nightmare Moon's piercing gaze. Celestia's horn shimmered bright gold, and a field of pure light surrounded her, driving back the darkness. “And to what heinous purpose does your epiphany serve? What twisted motives drive you now?”
Nightmare licked her lips. “Are you truly blinded so? Have you not divined my sacred task? If my subjects slumber through my night time, then I shall amend that—permanently.”
“You don't mean—?”
Lightning flew from Nightmare's horn, splintering the stone floor, cracking pillars, blasting holes in the roof, and glancing off Celestia's shield of light. “If they will not embrace and treasure my night as they should, then their sunlight must be removed. Gaze upon the darkness around us, dear sister, for it marks the beginning of a new era—the era of Nightmare Moon! Under my eternal reign, the night shall last forever!”
“Has your jealousy become so powerful, so single-minded, that it has turned you into this... this abomination?” She shook with a cold fury wrought from her deep sorrow and the knowledge of what she must do. “Why, sister, why? I cannot imagine possessing the sovereignty of which you claim... but I will do what I must for our subjects, even if it means harnessing the full extent of my power to protect them from you!”
Nightmare spat. “Surely you jest. Come then, Celestia, face me, in all your self-righteousness, and be dashed upon this castle, the very seat of my oppression!”
Celestia gritted her teeth, and her lips quivered as tears streamed down her cheeks. The painful knot in her stomach threatened to force her into a trembling ball on the floor. But she reached deep within herself and gathered her innermost reserves of magic. Blinding light engulfed her horn.
A sneer adorned Nightmare's muzzle as she arched an eyebrow, watching a sphere of Celestia's power expand from her horn tip. Nightmare pawed at the ground and expelled a puff of steam from her flared nostrils as Celestia prepared to fire. She let loose a sharp peal of laughter as Celestia unleashed her concentrated magic.
Nightmare Moon's horn discharged a surge of deadly white magic that met Celestia's assault a split second before it found its mark. The two enormous powers collided in the centre of the chamber, the light from the magic casting wicked shadows everywhere. At first, the two beams were locked in destructive equilibrium, but Nightmare's soon pushed Celestia's back.
“My new powers far surpass yours!” said Nightmare over the din. “Even the Elements of Harmony will not avail you, for they are bound to me as well!”
Celestia's eyes widened, and veins throbbed near her temples as she struggled to avoid being overwhelmed. But Nightmare's attack continued to consume hers at a rate that made Celestia's heart slam against her chest. Her muscles screaming with exertion, Celestia lowered her horn and flew forward in one last, desperate maneuver.
Her gambit had cleft Nightmare Moon's attack, and wild magic laid waste to the sisters' surroundings. Celestia grunted in pain as Nightmare's power singed her coat. When she neared her foe, she sharply directed her horn upward and both energy beams with it. When her foe's attack diverted skyward, Celestia dove behind a pillar and covered her head with her wings.
The combined energies formed an unstable corkscrew that bored into the ceiling. A catastrophic explosion sent Celestia flying into the wall as the untamed magic wrought untold destruction upon the castle. Her ears rang as their surroundings were obliterated by the terrible power that was partially her own.
Celestia slowly picked herself back up. Twice, her legs nearly failed her as the uneven ground gave way before them. Panting, she opened her eyes. Dust hung thick in the air. The ceiling had been vaporized, the walls crumbled, and pillars splintered. And from what she could see, the rest of the great castle she and Luna had built in the centre of the Everfree Forest as their bastion of Equestria's power lay in ruin.
Nightmare Moon had vanished.
Celestia reignited her horn and immediately felt the strain of even the meanest of magical tasks. “Come! Show yourself!”
Disembodied laughter answered.
Celestia's eyes darted madly around the devastated chamber, but found nothing. The laughter reached her ears again, and this time, it sounded closer. She spun around, but once again, she appeared alone. Celestia caught a flicker of movement with her peripheral vision. She turned toward it just in time to behold a surge of starry purple mist rush at her.
Unable to react in time, it wrapped itself around Celestia's throat and began to squeeze. She pawed at her neck with her forehooves, but the mist only tightened its grip. Collapsing to the floor, Celestia's body began to shut down as her lungs burned from lack of air.
“There is no hope, no escape,” came Nightmare's voice from Celestia's neck. “It is pointless to resist. In a few moments, you will be dead, and night eternal will be assured!”
Celestia's face contorted as she mustered the last of her abilities and lashed out at the mist in a bright flash. She gulped at the air as she saw it thrown from her. The purple cloud coalesced a few metres away and formed itself into Nightmare Moon.
Night's dark harbinger stepped forward and gathered her magic. “Impressive... you have survived.” Her horn's glow intensified as she spoke. “But this is where it ends. Your power ebbs, whilst mine flows with an unstoppable force like the mightiest of rivers!”
A fragment of Nightmare's magic detached itself from her horn and floated beside her. The raw energy began to take shape as if molded by an ethereal smithy. A glowing white rapier hovered before them upon her unseen work's completion. The weapon gave off an ominous hum as Nightmare swished it experimentally.
“Behold, the instrument of your demise.”
Celestia began summoning a magic blade of her own, but Nightmare's rushed forward, searing the air in its path. Crying out, Celestia leapt aside, and the rapier sliced clean through the pillar behind her. It fell with a crash that made the entire chamber shake, and a cloud of ash rose from the rubble. Celestia's wings flared, and she took to the air, narrowly avoiding another swing of the blade.
Sweat poured down Celestia's muzzle as she fashioned a scimitar from her own magic and raised it just in time to parry another blow from the rapier. The two spectral blades met in a shower of gold and white sparks. Celestia sent hers flying at her foe's horn with the intention of disabling her, but Nightmare blocked and launched her riposte.
The two weapons continued to clash in midair, creating a deadly light show. Celestia, her chest heaving, lunged toward the creature who had once been her younger sister. Nightmare charged out to meet her and swung an armoured forehoof at her muzzle. It connected with a loud crunch, and Celestia reeled back, spitting out blood.
Numbness and heaviness coursed through Celestia as the scimitar sparked and flickered. A hungry glint flashed in Nightmare's eyes, and she redoubled her assault. Her rapier bypassed its counterpart and sped toward Celestia's heart. Celestia's scimitar disintegrated, and the shards of her magic rushed to protect her. As the rapier neared its target, a round shield formed in front of Celestia. The two forces met in a clash of gold and white.
Celestia's defenses slowly began to crumple beneath the point of Nightmare Moon's rapier. “Sister, please!”
“I have no sister!” Nightmare Moon's words came from everywhere around Celestia. “My unquenchable hatred—my divine purpose—has assured me limitless power. Where there is no sun, there is only darkness—my domain!”
Celestia felt stiff as she fruitlessly poured everything she had into maintaining her barrier. “Luna, listen to yourself! How could you have forgotten your purpose—our purpose?”
“My purpose is clear!” Nightmare's voice thundered all around Celestia. “I had allowed you to blind me, but no more...” She withdrew her rapier, giving Celestia a reprieve. After allowing the Sun Princess scarcely one breath, she swung at her damaged aegis, creating a spiderweb of cracks at the point of impact. “No more!” Nightmare bore down upon Celestia as she swung once more, eliciting a cry of pain. “Only night or day can reign supreme, for everypony basks in one and shuns the other. Your endless talks of harmony are nothing short of poison.”
The cold hand of panic grasped Celestia and squeezed the remaining vitality from her. “I beg of you, think of the repercussions of such an act!” She cried again as another merciless blow struck her failing shield. “Neither of us can rule this kingdom alone; there cannot be light without shadow, and darkness cannot endure without light. Please, sister!”
Nightmare Moon struck again. “If that is your belief, then I say this to you.” The rapier smashed into the shield once more, sending golden splinters flying, “Gone is the dawn. Come, shades of twilight!” The blade struck once. “Come, darkness. Come, nightmare!” The blade struck twice. “Come, infinite night!” The blade struck thrice.
Celestia's aegis shattered in a whirlwind of magical fragments. The sovereign ruler of Equestria's day fell to earth, her scorched body lying spread-eagled upon sundered stone.
Nightmare wore a triumphant grin on her muzzle as she descended and absorbed her weapon back into her horn. She touched down and raised her glowing horn like an executioner's axe.
The scene swam before Celestia as her eyes fluttered open. She knew what her usurper intended, but could not gather so much as a spark of power to give the impending strike pause. “Luna...” The word came as a hoarse whisper, barely audible over the sinister hum of Nightmare's ignited horn. “I love you. I have always loved you...”
Nightmare Moon tutted as excess energy crackled around her. “How touching. You are attempting to stay my hoof with your sickening sentiment. Do you think me the easily manipulated filly you grew up with?” She ground a pebble beneath her forehoof. “Fie! Your words bring bile to my throat.”
Celestia struggled to sit up, but every move she made came laboured. “I implore you to see the truth. Ever since our youth, we have supported one another, given strength where there was weakness, and lent a hoof when the other fell. Together, we brought harmony to a discordant land and brought an end to an era of misery and despair.”
Celestia wept freely, but pressed on. “The pony I see standing before me now is a simulacrum of the very evil we strove so hard to vanquish. Upon our discovery of the Elements of Harmony, we exhibited the qualities of kindness, generosity, loyalty, honesty, laughter, and above all else, friendship—our friendship. What has happened, Luna? Are you so far removed from reality that you have forgotten and forsaken our bond that we have shared for over a millennium?”
Nightmare Moon quivered. “Lies, all lies! You used me as a means to an end—the throne of Equestria! That power is all you have ever sought. Now I shall seize that which you cherish most. Your betrayal ends here, Celestia!”
“My betrayal—my betrayal?” Celestia's wings muffled her voice as she buried her face in them, bawling between words. “I have always treated you with love, respect, and equality, for that is what we are—equals, two halves of the same whole. Everypony does not cast your night by the wayside; they welcome it as time of rest and replenishment. One cannot survive without the other.”
“SILENCE!” It felt as if Nightmare Moon's cry rode on a hurricane. “Your vacuous sentimental drivel ends here... 'Princess.'” She swung her horn at Celestia's unprotected neck.
An invisible force intervened, sending Nightmare Moon crashing into the far wall.
Celestia's wings folded, and she stared in wonderment. Six spheres of different colours—red, yellow, pink, cyan, green, and purple—floated around her. A spark twinkled in her eyes.
“I... I understand...” she said, standing firmly.
“Impossible!” said Nightmare, coughing from the cloud of dust as she cleared herself of the wall's remnants. “The Elements belong to me as well!”
“Not anymore,” said Celestia. “For in attempting to strike me down, you have forsaken our friendship, and by doing so, the Elements as well. I have never given up on you, and I never will.” Her eyes glowed bright white as each sphere shot into her horn like bolts drawn to a lightning rod.
Celestia took a dozen determined paces forward. “I love you, dear sister, and the Elements have answered my mourning heart. I will never forgive myself for what must be done...”
“No... No!” Nightmare's dragon-like eyes became fearful spheres. “You can't possibly mean to—”
A great torrent of magic began forming around Celestia's horn, but it was not hers; it was a rainbow of the same six colours of the spheres that had protected her. The intense light illuminated the tears rolling down her muzzle as the Elements of Harmony lent Celestia their absolute power. Celestia gulped.
“Hear me, Luna, for I promise you, one day, I will find a way to truly save you!”
A mighty flash of light surged from her horn.
Nightmare Moon froze. For all her power, her ambitions, her stratagems, she had not accounted for what faced her now. The rainbow that embodied all that was good, just, and wholesome in the world hurtled toward her in a wave of finality that drowned her anguished cry.
When the magic reached Nightmare Moon, it became a tornado that surrounded her utterly. In one last blinding flash, the beautiful and deadly power faded along with the demigod who had put Equestria in peril.
With the act completed, Celestia's heart ached as if a part of it too had been claimed by the Elements. A series of loud thuds masked her whisper as six stone orbs fell to earth in a perfect hexagon around her.
Exhausted to near unconsciousness, Celestia sank to her knees and buried her head in her forehooves, the weight of her deed hanging around her neck like a millstone. This year's Summer Sun Celebration would be the most memorable of them all, for it marked the first of a thousand before the fallen Princess would set hoof upon Equestria's soil again. Absorbed so in her grief, Celestia did not witness the moon, which now bore the face of its prisoner, melt away into the growing dawn.
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Wow... Damn. Good going, Gary.
Do I remember the words The Sundering from the Knife book series? When the empress took away the Faeries' powers?
Beautiful.
This was good, but it felt...I don't know...too polished? It felt kind of rigid in its sentence structure. That seems like a common problem when writing for an actual writing class, I do the same thing whenever I'm more concerned with being technically correct. In your blog you were complaining about a lack of views for your first serious story in a while, one likely cause for this is the "Dark" and "Tragedy" tags on the story. Dark stories have a much smaller audience than comedies do, especially when the majority of your audience came from your clop stories.
2350521>>2351116
Thank you!
2350534
I've never heard of that. For me, the title harkens back to World of Warcraft, and I felt it was fitting for this story, as it can have multiple connotations. It started as a "working title," but I never came up with anything better, so it stuck.
2351189
This story was an experiment for the class, actually. I wanted to see if I could write something with a different narrative voice than the standard one. How does the sentence structure feel rigid? Regardless of what I write, I strive to be technically correct, unless the voice calls for something else. If you're referring to the diction, then that's just part of the narrative voice. As for the tags, dark stories can be quite successful; my friend wrote one that quadrupled his followers and gained over 6,000 views. We edit each other's work.
One pony's rigidity is another pony's adherence to style.
Bonus points for telling a story we supposedly all know without falling back on cliché or the Standard Tropes. (Well, okay, "the night shall last forever!” was probably unavoidable.)
2351362
Thanks! My method of avoiding said tropes is to not read any other fanfiction. I felt that line was okay, because it was in character for Nightmare Moon. I think the only place I could be more "canon" is the dialogue, as I assume they'd talk similar to how Luna did in Luna Eclpised, but I felt that would be too unwieldy and take away from the story, so I just used hammy "modern" English.
Damn Gary, you pleased me, this was one of the BEST stories I have read in a while. Even though it's a one-shot it's perfect!
2351242. It just seems like the story doesnt flow like it should. The diction is fine but shouldn't they be speaking in old-equish because of the time period? It doesn't take away from the story, I'm just nitpicking details here.
sorry, im not one for celestia and luna dark, but TwissleDragon told me this was good. from the opening i can tell this is going to be dark
but i would just like to leave one thing before i read this... it looks like a wall of text, and i am going to review this after i read this. is that fine???
2352009
It's proper story formatting. All authors in the real world do this.
2352017 no not liek that, you took it wrong, and you arn't the author.
i mean like the way it is made. it dosn''t look corect. it is but it is hard to read some.
mine
im not sure about his, becuase im bussy making my own fic.
not hating, i just don't like it. and it is not the style of real worls authors. the editors of the real word authors put spaces inbetween talking and the story.
sorry if i read difrent books, harry poter isn't my style, and i have't had time to try twilight
2352070
In formal writing, they put spaces to separate stuff. I know I'm not the author, but, Gary has told me about this already. It's just "story" formatting. I found it weird because I haven't read a book in a while and have been use to the separated text, too. But, no worries, the fic itself is good. Even if it's a problem, you can copy/paste and space it out so it's easier to read.
I can't even read your clop stories and see you as the author...
This is some good shit, despite the paragraph spacing, I don't know what to even say...
This is..
Ya know what? No, I've said enough.
2352090 i never said it was a problem, it is just not my style. and trust me, i read manga like 5 books a day and the libariens get pissed at me,
but thier is no problem, it is just no to much of a comen text forrmat.
and as you can clearly see, i want to review this to help him
2352111
Of course. Critiques always help the author!
2352121 meow
i wanted to have permission to do it though. i don't like being a abrunt asshole
You wrote this.
Why?
Because You're Gary Mother Fuckin' Oak!
Damn man, that was honestly the best story I've read in a long time. Keep up the good work Gary! :D
I like it! There are some moments which seemed to have too much description, such as this one:
"She had used her unicorn magic to raise the sun that morning, in accordance with her destiny, as told by the sun marks emblazoned on her flanks."
That became a lot more understandable at the end of the story, when it became clear that this had been intended for a non-brony audience.
As for the "Not getting many views" thing, I think it's largely because the story is just a retelling of something that we already know happened. Yes, it's a very good retelling and worth reading because of that, but people don't know that just by reading the description, and that's what makes them decide to read your story or not.
2351457
Thank you very much for such high praise!
2351891
I ultimately decided against it, because I felt it may bog the story down, as well as make it too confusing for my class. That, and I don't believe I have a skilled enough grasp on Shakespearean English to write it properly, so I ended up going with the advanced vocabulary and some old-timey words.
2352009
I would be honoured to receive a review. Critique is how writers grow. As for the story formatting, this is the correct way to format a story; paragraph separations are indicated by indents. An extra blank line is surpuflous unless you're indicating a time skip, in which case it is accompanied by a set of dingbats.
2352105
I wear a completely different writer's hat when I write my interhorse. I'm mostly having fun and just horsing around when I write that stuff. Obviously, I put effort into it and revise it, but yeah.
2352361
Thank you very much!
2352416
Fair points. I needed to describe things bronies would already know because of my audience. It's kind of an exercise in "for reals" writing, because when I move on from fanfiction one day, I'll have to know how to build elaborate fantasy worlds with complex-looking characters from scratch. As for the retelling thing, I knew that going in, but I was trying to see if it could succed based on its own merit. Plus, even though it's a dark/tragedy story, it's a "safe" read, because everybody knows how it will end.
2352830 ewell that is true, but hell , we all read difrent books. sorry if i ofended you, or if you didn't under stand what i ment.
ither way, it is your story
ill hit you up with the link for the reviwe once i make it
the follow is only to keep track of you
2352850
It's no big deal. I didn't understand the proper story formatting until I was told and picked up a book to make sure. I always explain it, because not many people are aware of this until it's pointed out to them.
2352856 (not ment to be mean or hate) well the form you are using is more to the more esay format, while i write simple format. i did this format once i got hate
dat description
This is pretty cool. Good work, Gary!
Great story. Definitely on-par with the best fics on the site IMHO. Carries the weight and gravitas that earth-shattering events like this are meant to convey. The fact that it fits PERFECTLY into the series' canon might be seen as slightly less original than working out some more original premise (don't look at me, I'm just spouting stuff off my noggin here), but your descriptions and the action; I just about swallowed my own tonsils when Nightmare Moon broke Celestia's shield spell.
Then again, something that every fan has wanted to know remains unanswered: What power did Nightmare Moon gain that could allow her to overpower her own sister?
We may never know
Seriously though, great story and great writing. Five
's out of five.
As of a few hours ago, this story is quasi-featured (it's up there if you disable horse porn), so I would like to take the time to thank everybody who stopped by and gave this story a try, despite its premise and its tags. You guys are awesome!
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Thank you!
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You have no idea how much I appreciate a glowing review like this. I realized going into this that I would need to pull some serious wizardry to make this not suck, because the premise is unoriginal, and the ending is handcuffed by the show's canon. Also, it's probably been done a bunch of times. So I decided to focus heavily on the journey, both with the epic fight scene and the emotional journey for the characters.
As for Nightmare Moon's powers, I guess I kind of liken it to going to the dark side, Star Wars style. I actually have a non-canon explanation for it in my novel, but that doesn't affect how I told the story here.
Fun fact: the biggest piece of criticism I received when this was workshopped in University was a few people could not grasp how Celestia made movements that are physically impossible for horses (like burying her face in her forehooves), slept in a bed, and ran on a hard surface.
I had words that I wanted to say regarding why I thought it was "good," but not "ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh great."
But then you already noted them in a recent post.
So, suffice to say that I gave it a like and left it at that.
Some unrelated things:
The description did feel somewhat jarring for me, probably similar to what MidnightRose thought. Which I kind of expected, since I got that feeling every once in a while reading Repercussions. IIRC, I just continuously blamed it on melodrama.
Grammatically, all I have is switch the en dashes (–) into em dashes (-- or —). Looks sound otherwise.
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Now I'm trying to figure out why the descriptions seemed jarring at times, because it will be very relevant when I eventually write original fantasy work.
Also, the em dashes I use are that way because my word processor (Open Office) does not make ones that are three times as long as a hyphen. I believe the ones I use with the spaces are correct, though; there are just two different styles.
This was really well done. To take a story whose ending is known and tell it well is a challenge, one you met with wit and flair. The truly dramatic moments here may be classic (trope-ish) in some ways, but again, it's how do you them that makes all the difference.
The mood and events of this story fit perfectly into this song, which I'm 99+% sure you know of, but which I think still bears posting here in case anypony else doesn't:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yGEf_YxBxZI
The story told by that song was already nearly full headcanon for me; your story just added more weight and strength to it. Thank you for sharing it. You certainly earned your A+
Light and laughter,
SongCoyote
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Thanks very much for the great review! I really appreciate it, and I love hearing the positive comments. You're completely right when it comes to the moments--and driving purpose--of the story. For me, it wasn't what I was writing, but how I was writing it, because I know this is a concept that's been explored a lot in this fandom. Also, I think I knew of that song, but I've never actually heard it, until now.
If I were marking this, I'd probably give it an A or an A+. Because, dayumn, it is good.
The writing was fluid, with a good pace behind it. It was also very atmospheric during the moments between the confrontation, and the action was not described in a superflous manner, nor was it too simplistic - a nice balance between it. The characterisation was well done, too, and the emotions very much apparent.
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Thanks so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
3070022 "Enjoyed it" is an understatement
. You've inspired me to write my own take on this moment in Equestrian history.
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Oh wow. That's actually quite awesome! And it's one of the biggest compliments you could possibly give me. Thank you!
One reason the story is as it is, is because my class had a size restriction, so I had to try to tell it in ten pages or less. Another way to go about it is to simply omit the fight scene entirely, and have all the emotional buildup and exposition carefully woven into a 30,000 word (or more) novella, and have Celestia just stand there and allow Nightmare Moon to strike her down, then have the Elements intervene when Nightmare is going for the coup de grace.
3070080 My own idea on the Nightmare Moon incursion actually stretches the conflict across a week, where as the princesses fight for the fate of Equestria, so does the sun and moon battle for dominance in the Equestrian sky, in the form of a total eclipse. All the while, armies of ponies and equinoctae (bat ponies) clash beneath them in defence and support of the two regal sisters.
In other words, a counter-revolution led by Celestia against Nightmare Moon.
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Sounds great, but ambitious! I wish you the best of luck in your writing endeavors; if things go well, it could turn out to be something really good.
I enjoyed this once, I loved reading it over again! Here:
i.imgur.com/fZr5857.png
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YAY!
hey I took this story and did a written review for it before doing my audio review if you would like to see that here's a link
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Slash-wing-my-little-pony-FIM/339895572794546
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Outstanding! You, Good Sir, have impressed me once again. Why I had not read this before mystifies me.
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Thanks! I guess you were just busy?
This as excellent.
The alternate of the past.
yeah!
You when I read this, it's almost like what happened in the show... Without rapiers.
I love the sword fight.
Okay favoriting it.
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Thanks! The interesting part is that I wrote this almost a year ago, so I did not have the flashback from the season 4 premiere to go on.
This was great. :D I love how overdramatic and ridiculous the dialogue is.
6815997
Thanks very much! I remember wondering if I should've gone with what I did or tried to use full on Luna Eclipsed Luna speak, as that may have been more historically accurate.