This...caught me off guard. Especially that bit at the end. However, I loved when Twilight sidelined into fantasy about the Princesses.
As for Pinkie's...I'm suddenly picturing hers being mostly dialogue...and so chock full of suggestive innuendo that Twilight actually orgasms from reading it...and then it turns out that it ISN'T a clopfic!
Twilight's critique then ends...followed by a note from Pinkie saying, "Whoops! This isn't the story I meant to give you to proofread, sorry!" Followed by possibly several more ficlets from Pinkie that actually ARE clop.
For some reason, I almost lost it at this sentence. Such a small, little thing... yet Twilight's snarkiness when she's annoyed, coupled with all the memes to be found... in my mind, they became a more perfect union. I just knew things would get fun. And they did!
Clearly, "Callery" is AJ, and she's been getting done by Cheerilee. Not doing, getting done. Recognize the difference. Also, I noticed a couple of grammatical mistakes on Twilight's part. I forgot where they were, so it doesn't really help, but you could always just go over it again.
Also, "Sometimes love don't feel like it should, make it... hurt so good."
Not like she ever had any occasion to chastise me, though. I was always really careful to have everything in on time. Although I kind of wonder what it would have been like if she had? I mean, I'm sure it would have hurt a bit, but she knows her own strength well enough to not do any real damage. She'd probably know just how to bend me over and really go to town on my behind!
Come to think of it, both Celestia and Luna would look good in dominatrix style getups. Really good. I mean, I usually get disturbing mental images from reading these stories, but that one is actually quite... okay, I should stop talking about this. It's too much of a tangent.
You need to emphasize the tastes, feels, smells, sounds, and appearance of what happens. Otherwise I- I mean, your readers won't find it arousing.
Twi, do you have something you want to share with the rest of the class?
Okay, the descriptions of what's going on here is so simple that it basically loses any of the eroticism it could have had. I suppose it would be possible to eroticize something like spanking, but "she spanked her" is anything but erotic. It says what's happening, but it doesn't exactly paint a mental picture of what's happening. It's more like the events are just being summarized rather than described. It's the same deal with describing how she's tied up. Like instead of just saying that she's being spanked, you need to describe it. The sound of the switch hitting her, for example. Or describe how she looks. Does she twitch? Maybe she cries out, or moans, or squeaks or something. It could start quiet and get gradually louder with each successive strike. You could also describe the effect of the spanking. Is her butt getting red as a result of the spanking? Give the reader some details.
... why'd you have to go and make this part of a clopfic parody? I really want to point people to THIS FREAKIN' CHAPTER so that I can get it across to them why their scene lacks anything of substance.
Also, you started five of Twilight's paragraphs with 'Okay.' Just sayin'.
Oh, at this rate Twilight's going to write the perfect ero-fiction by the end of this series Slap it down on the table, "HERE. This is how you write some proper clop!" Show it off to Celestia and Luna... Fun fun fun
2444196>>2444359 I have to admit I didn't really go over this one very carefully for grammar; kind of ironic given that the story as a whole has ended up as kind of a how-to for writing decent smut. I honestly didn't intended to end up as that, but I just couldn't help but imagine that Twilight would actually try to be helpful.
And yes, Pinkie is next. I already know what I'm going to do for it, and it is going to be fun.
That is absolutly hilarius. These stories just make me laugh. I hope that these stories expand beyond the mane 6. I would love to see Luna try to do a Clop fic.
Is it wrong that I now want to write the raunchiest clopfic I can imagine in a completely clinical style?
Another great chapter. I feel like Twilight's tangent was a bit heavy handed, but chalk that up to personal taste, and for some reason Applejack's fic came across as hilarious. I guess I just appreciate the situational humour at work here.
As terrible as she is with descriptions, Applejack is WAY too good at dialogue for this to be a 'terrible' clopfic. Is this even a complaint for this story? I don't even know now, since I enjoyed reading it. Also, I loved all the twists in the ending.
Plot twist. Spike sends it to celestia thinking it is a friendship report.
Double twist. Celestia proofreads it and returns a superior corrected version telling twilight that she still has much to learn and to come to canterlot for "additional lessons"
Hmmm... While amusing, and while Twilight's tangent was very wry grin-worthy, I find myself enjoying this chapter less than the previous two, though about the same level as my enjoyment of the first chapter.
I have a quick question. Have you thought about writing the ponies' reactions to Twilight's critiques? At the end of every chapter, I find myself wondering what each or the mane six would think about the criticism and what they would do about it. After you finish the mane six, I think that would be very fun to read.
2449063 I agree that it would certainly be an interesting story, though I don't know if I'll have the time to write reactions for all six of them. That and I have a feeling that once I finish up Pinkie's chapter it'll probably be all downhill from there.
You've submitted this to Equestria After Dark, right?
Seriously, I'm with 2444359: this is such an excellent deconstruction of clopfic problems (as well as being entertaining in its own right) that it ought to be required reading for new clop authors.
2449267 It's not just clopfics, this is awesome for any aspiring author who's trying to figure out what everyone means with 'show, don't tell.' Seriously, if I had this 15 years ago when I started fanfics, I'd be a professional by now.
You know, with a bit of tweaking Applejacks story could actually make a serious story. The Twist being that all this stuff was described this bland because at the end of the chapter the Dom Breaks the Sub's Heart:
Finally she came and cried out "Oh, Twilight!". Callery then said "What did you call me?" She said nothing. She broke her restraints with her strong hindlegs. "Applejack, wait!" She left the house crying and went home.
okay.... so I can no longer tell where fiction and personal memoirs come into play in this story. first Rarity, then fluttershy, now AJ?! at least rainbow dash made it clear her story was total BS.
oh god.... I just realized something looking at the pony emoticons to the side.
2380326
This detailed analysis frightens me.
Dominatrix Cheerilee? Okay, that's something I wouldn't mind seeing more of.
I'm just imagining pinkie's to be so well written as to become the first erotic fiction to win a pulitzer
I wonder if AJ has been "playing" with Cheerilee...
This...caught me off guard. Especially that bit at the end. However, I loved when Twilight sidelined into fantasy about the Princesses.
As for Pinkie's...I'm suddenly picturing hers being mostly dialogue...and so chock full of suggestive innuendo that Twilight actually orgasms from reading it...and then it turns out that it ISN'T a clopfic!
Twilight's critique then ends...followed by a note from Pinkie saying, "Whoops! This isn't the story I meant to give you to proofread, sorry!" Followed by possibly several more ficlets from Pinkie that actually ARE clop.
For some reason, I almost lost it at this sentence. Such a small, little thing... yet Twilight's snarkiness when she's annoyed, coupled with all the memes to be found... in my mind, they became a more perfect union. I just knew things would get fun. And they did!
Clearly, "Callery" is AJ, and she's been getting done by Cheerilee. Not doing, getting done. Recognize the difference. Also, I noticed a couple of grammatical mistakes on Twilight's part. I forgot where they were, so it doesn't really help, but you could always just go over it again.
Also, "Sometimes love don't feel like it should, make it... hurt so good."
Next is
Dis gon b gud
Twi, do you have something you want to share with the rest of the class?
And I think by now we all know how I feel about the possibility of a chapter about Lyra's man-on-pony clopfic, so let's just pretend I mentioned it already and move on. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra.png
... why'd you have to go and make this part of a clopfic parody? I really want to point people to THIS FREAKIN' CHAPTER so that I can get it across to them why their scene lacks anything of substance.
Also, you started five of Twilight's paragraphs with 'Okay.' Just sayin'.
Oh, at this rate Twilight's going to write the perfect ero-fiction by the end of this series
Slap it down on the table, "HERE. This is how you write some proper clop!"
Show it off to Celestia and Luna...
Fun fun fun
Super twist. Pinkie Pie's clopfic could be published.
2443825 Maybe that's why she's a teacher?
In charge of all dem little filllies.
2444196>>2444359 I have to admit I didn't really go over this one very carefully for grammar; kind of ironic given that the story as a whole has ended up as kind of a how-to for writing decent smut. I honestly didn't intended to end up as that, but I just couldn't help but imagine that Twilight would actually try to be helpful.
And yes, Pinkie is next. I already know what I'm going to do for it, and it is going to be fun.
The thing I love about these stories is Twilight's reactions when the stories start to take the 'erotic' turn. Always makes me giggle.
That is absolutly hilarius. These stories just make me laugh. I hope that these stories expand beyond the mane 6. I would love to see Luna try to do a Clop fic.
Absolutely hysterical, even more so because I've actually read clopfics that sound like AJ's story.
Have a feeling that Pinkie is going to either write something amazing or something horrifying
Is it wrong that I now want to write the raunchiest clopfic I can imagine in a completely clinical style?
Another great chapter. I feel like Twilight's tangent was a bit heavy handed, but chalk that up to personal taste, and for some reason Applejack's fic came across as hilarious. I guess I just appreciate the situational humour at work here.
At the end, after the other mane 6 ponies are done, Twi should write a good clopfic and show them how it's done.
2445026 Or completely Miss the Point of Clopfics all together.
As terrible as she is with descriptions, Applejack is WAY too good at dialogue for this to be a 'terrible' clopfic. Is this even a complaint for this story? I don't even know now, since I enjoyed reading it. Also, I loved all the twists in the ending.
Who knew that Fluttershy was the obvious choice for a sub? (No points for yelling "DOORMAT!")
Hm, AJ´s clop fic would make a good sleeping pill.
Today I learned.... Twilight wants to be punished by both celestia and Luna. Probably simultaneously.
Another great chapter. Looking forward to more. You do a damn fine job of bringing a laugh out of me
2444364
Plot twist. Spike sends it to celestia thinking it is a friendship report.
Double twist. Celestia proofreads it and returns a superior corrected version telling twilight that she still has much to learn and to come to canterlot for "additional lessons"
I really cannot tell you how long I laughed at that line. Also, the best twist would be that Pinkie writes the most boring story ever.
Pinkie and boring in the same sentence... just doesn't work
That IS relevant. And to so many things too...
This one was informative, but not as funny as past chapters
Hmmm... While amusing, and while Twilight's tangent was very wry grin-worthy, I find myself enjoying this chapter less than the previous two, though about the same level as my enjoyment of the first chapter.
Ricola!
I have a quick question. Have you thought about writing the ponies' reactions to Twilight's critiques? At the end of every chapter, I find myself wondering what each or the mane six would think about the criticism and what they would do about it. After you finish the mane six, I think that would be very fun to read.
2449063 I agree that it would certainly be an interesting story, though I don't know if I'll have the time to write reactions for all six of them. That and I have a feeling that once I finish up Pinkie's chapter it'll probably be all downhill from there.
You've submitted this to Equestria After Dark, right?
Seriously, I'm with 2444359: this is such an excellent deconstruction of clopfic problems (as well as being entertaining in its own right) that it ought to be required reading for new clop authors.
2449267
It's not just clopfics, this is awesome for any aspiring author who's trying to figure out what everyone means with 'show, don't tell.' Seriously, if I had this 15 years ago when I started fanfics, I'd be a professional by now.
2449267 No, but I should, I guess. I had forgotten that that was even a thing.
2449484 Thanks. Glad to know it's helpful.
Pinkie...
...
...
Whelp, we're fucked.
If Derpy writes a clopfic, I'm gonna have a cuteness heart attack.
You know, with a bit of tweaking Applejacks story could actually make a serious story. The Twist being that all this stuff was described this bland because at the end of the chapter the Dom Breaks the Sub's Heart:
Finally she came and cried out "Oh, Twilight!".
Callery then said "What did you call me?"
She said nothing.
She broke her restraints with her strong hindlegs.
"Applejack, wait!"
She left the house crying and went home.
Can I write up that version Cornball?
2451328 As long as you give me credit for the initial idea, sure.
I have Luna! your argument is invalid!
2457730
!LoL!
2463538 and then ....this
2472979 atleast its not as creepy as salad fingers.......XD Haha !LoL!
2474301 you got dat right!
2474301 There's very little that's as creepy as Salad Fingers.
2477619>>2477716 !LoL! Right!
P.S..............He likes it when the red water comes out.
2479196 blood. That's all folks!
[youtube=http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=gBzJGckMYO4&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DgBzJGckMYO4]
okay.... so I can no longer tell where fiction and personal memoirs come into play in this story. first Rarity, then fluttershy, now AJ?! at least rainbow dash made it clear her story was total BS.
oh god.... I just realized something looking at the pony emoticons to the side.
CUTIEMARK CRUSUDERS CLOP-WRITERS YAY!
2482920
[youtube=http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=gBzJGckMYO4&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DgBzJGckMYO4]
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ls9huhtVxP1qhttae.gif
[youtube=http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=gBzJGckMYO4&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DgBzJGckMYO4]