PLEASE NOTE. The story you are about to read is currently undergoing reformatting, proofreading, spellchecks, and improvements. If you see anything that is spelled incorrectly or does not make sense, please send me a message!
This story is based on an ongoing roleplay and is being adapted into a fanfic.
Enter Norman Bach, who's ordered life begins to be turned upside down after a trip to the hospital ends in an encounter with a strange looking creature claiming to be a pony from another world. Is he going crazy, or is she really what she seems?
Orginal Concept: lunabrony
Fanfic Adaption by: lunabrony
Originally Written By: lunabrony and PL
Anyone who wants to talk/RP ponies with me can contact me on AIM at brisingrkonungr
Chapters (22)
nice job so far
2158614 Thank you! We're having way too much fun with it!
good job!
whens more?
Uh oh………
Very well done sir. Heres a mustache
Patiently waiting for more
2162240 Thanks very much! I try to update once a day, but not sure if I'll get to the update tomorrow. If not tomorrow, then the next day for sure.
2162358
Ok thanks!
platonic
both she
quotation marks.
they aren't in Equestria, it's the objective. hopeD
2172144 Fixed! Thank you!
2172168 Thank you! Fixed!
I don't think planes exist in Equestria, let alone ones made of grass.
2172191 Actually they do, they're called Chia Planes! Just water the cockpit, and watch them grow! But you're right, fixed! I don't know what I'd do without your help ^^
Is that the end?
Very well done sir
trippy
but good
2240222 Just you wait for the sequel, s**t is gonna go down
Hmmm i like it
There is one problem though.
Your thoughts arent quite in order, which makes it on the harder side to read.
You are also both repeating, and contradicting yourself, for example:
When Silver got to the throne room, in one paragraph you had him say "Im here!" Two paragraphs down you had him think to himself, "I wont say anything to give myself away."
Its slightly confusing. Lol
Other than that, its good.
2303212 I removed the announcement, so it flows better. Secondly, that's the downside of two of us writing this adapted from a roleplay, as our thoughts and intentions sometimes conflict, and while I catch most of them in editing, some of them slip through. I do my best to tighten things up, but I do not always 'make' him say anything, half of it is my writing and half of it is my friends writing, though neither of us are pefect, I think we're fantastic storytellers. Thanks for the keen eye!
2305141
Np and thanks
this is based off an RP?..do you have a specific site you go to to pony RP? cus wherei m at isn't all that great :P
2307035 This is adapted almost word for word from an RP my brony friend and I do, I just tighten up the continuity and fix mistakes and such.
Its interesting seeing how this rp was adapted as a fic. I expected to see a lot of changes done to the text but it was written pretty much as it was played. That is probably the reason behind its textual idiosyncracies. We do paragraph sized rp posts-counterposts, where lunabrony lead the story and I supplied the actions and thoughts of Norman/Silver. Usually I tend to lead.
I freely admit the weaknesses of the story character. Silver adapts quickly and readily to ponyhood, falls in love without too much development because we did it all within the context of an rp. It was a lot more fun to roleplay, than it is to read as a fic. To get the story to succeed it would have to be rewritten from the ground up again, and I don't blame lunabrony for not doing that.
If anyone is interested in doing a long complex roleplaying session, and they don't mind writing a lot, then send me a pm. ^^
I've considered turning my rp into a fanfic. The problem is it's so BIG!
my mind is full of fuck and pony
I LOVE IT!
damn i was hoping he was an alicorn!
nice joke at the end
LOL! Just LOL!
Angel looked annoyed. "Yes." She said flatly. "Surprise, isn't it Golden Harvests birthday today?" The white pony gasped in horror. "Ohmygoshitis!" Ohmygoshitis........mygoshitis.....goshitis.....shitis!!!!!!!! I couldn't help it .It was the only thing i saw in that.
Alicia sounds fun!
I shall be honest here.
Alicia acts as erratic as I do, talking in circles and to self and what not.
I have yet to do an impossible thing as of recent, though.
'I'm respecting your authority by knocking but asserting my authority as a high ranking official by coming in anyway!
What is this? Los padrinos magicos?
Read up to chapter 18. Found the story entertaining, but not a masterpiece by far. I'm going to be honest, it was a hard read at times. It seemed that you focused more on what the main character had in his head than anything else. The premise wasn't bad, and I liked your pacing and characterization, although I think you could have focused more on the actual interaction instead of thoughts inside the main characters head. I'd give it a 3/5 (average). Since you didn't fall into too many HiE pitfalls, I shall give you a like. I realize this story is a bit old, but try to keep your writing broken up, you don't want two different characters talking in the same paragraph.
Alicia sounds kinda like me, but with less violent tendencies.
*reads title* oh you!
a chaotic creature with a fondness for Lewis Carroll, how fitting
Norman: I'm not crazy! I'm not!
Nurse: What seems to be the matter, Norman?
Norman: I'm hallucinating, because I'm seeing you as a talking pony!
Nurse: Nope, you're crazy!
This makes no sense given the context of the story. If he lets them in, then they didn't 'assert their authority by entering before the door was opened to them. You could have said that the door was being violently beat upon and without cessation. Another thing that could have been added is yelling through the door for him to open up and the reason for their demanding his presence.
I have a feeling that Alicia is going to join the fray for his affections.
repeated pharagraph
Link for the cutiemark is broken. Leads to a 403.