Rainbow Dash wanted someone to love.... But she also wants someone to love her back. Too many times she's been heartbroken over little break-ups. Will the love of her life never come, or was the pony of her dreams right there all along?
....My first fanfic. =]
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FIRST!!!! XD This was a very strange piece of work for me to make. But, hay, it was worth it. =]
Hey, not a bad start, I can defiantly see your going to be a talented writer one day.
There are a few things you could fix though.
You need to capitalize ever I that's by itself, just a rule of grammar.
From "i" to "I"
Your tenses seemed to slip a little as well. You are writing in present tense, which makes it a lot harder, but there are some places you could fix up. Just reread your work outloud, and you'll spot them.
Spelling. Only a fee little mistakes, nothing that really stopped the story. Again, just reread.
Caps. In prose, don't spam caps. If you want to add emphasis, use and exclamation mark, or italics.
Derpy's accent. Did she really write it like that? I mean, who adds W's to random words?
Wait, did Dash read it like that? That would make sense...
Anyways, that's about it. Have fun, and keep writing!
P.S Have some stars!
Eh. Personal opinion maybe, but I feel Rainbow was acting OOC a bit to much with the swearing, and her aggression towards Derpy was way over the top. The screaming against herself is annoying. And that fake baby speak from Derpy or whatever its supposed to be in the letter makes no sense at all.
Some capitalization and grammar issues that Tarana already went over. Its not that bad, especially for a first time piece, but there is definitely room for improvement.
DERPY.... THAT WAS SO BUCKING CUTE!!!!!
I WOVE YOU TO!!!... Btw that was a fantastic chapter
Harrison... If I find out you hurt Derpys heart... I will bucking kill you
But other than that great story
The only thing I don't like is the fact that Derpy's letter is writen on her accent. Fix it, we can read it on Derpy's voice without the need for you to write it wih thousands of W's.
Tracking.
164298 I understand you 100% Don't worry, I'll try to add in the real version without the W's. By that, I mean I'll just edit the real version and and in the part without the W's right underneath it. =]
R8-DASH, don't worry, youll find out what happened next chapter. =] And Baree, you'll find out why rainbow Dash was talking like that in a few chapters. And thank you lots Taranasaurus! Yeah, I'll try to fix those things. I always found that when I write something and read it a few days later, I'll see all of the mistakes I made. Yeah, I did kinda buck up on the tenses. I noticed that after I wrote it. Thank you all for commenting! =]
FUS ROH DAH!!!
That was.... interesting....... I fully understood every word Derpy said in this. Not sure if that is a bad or good thing.......
Keep up the good work
164466 haha thanks! I'm vewy glad you like it! =] I just made another chapter, but this one has Derpy's voice normal. I didn't want too many people complaining, y'know? ;)
I like it. 5 stars.
Derpy has classes on randomness with Pinkie.
well, the chapters are getting rather short. Very good story though, Derpy is so damn cute in this.
164600 Yeah I know. I just wrote the next chapter, but it was really short! XD But don't worry, I'm gonna try to make this next one a lot longer (Im gonna attempt to break 3,000) Thanks for your support! And yes, Derpy is always so damn cute! :P
You have a good start and your grammar isn't half bad. But your tenses could use some work, and your writing style seems almost robotic and could use a bit more flash.
Uhhhh, Why are the chapter a couple hundred words long? Cmon man, are you even trying?
Cheers
~iraqlobstah
164697 Yeah. Im really sorry about that. I kinda got a little out of hand. XD don't worry, the next chapter should be about 2-3,000 words long. It'll probably be uploaded in a few hours, because soon I have a pep assembly. I have to leave 6th hour because i'm the quint player (Drummer). So after about 4 hours, maybe? Thank you for reviewing. =]
164691 Yeah. I think I was trying too hard. XD
Short sweet chapters that end with cliffhangers, great way to keep readers.
Of course a nice long chapter is nice to read as well. And I'm working on one of those long ones now.
I can hardly wait for the next chapter, but I will wait and look forward to whenever you post it.
164728 Thanks! It sure is!
It's readers like you that make me want to write! I should really get working on my school work, but it's just.... Wierd! I just don't want to stop writing! :P
Poor derpy!
OMG !
x 
? I never thought of that before!
Heya, Nuka here, I TOLD you I'd comment on your story! :D. Well lets start off, I like the concept of the story, but to be completely honest I think you picked the wrong pony for it. Whenever I think of love, and Rainbow Dash, the first thing that USUALLY comes to mind is Heartbreaker. I find it hard to believe that Rainbow would be in these situations myself. Second, when I first read it, (On my phone so I couldn't comment hehe, and not sure if these errors are still here) I saw the thing that bugs be the most, the non-capitalized "i". But BESIDES that, I really do like the idea you're going with, and I'm glad that your story is being so successful so far! (I So Jelly
)
ANYWAYS, see ya, and hope to hear more from you soon! :D
Lol yeah. To the 2 people above me, I'm gonna tell you something. I've never heard of a Derpy x Rainbow dash couple either! But there there's something you guys should know. There's a moral to this story. Even the most unloved can find true love. It doesn't matter if your spike and celestia or luna and a rock (lol) just because you people don't look like they can go together, sometimes they do. Think about it. The almighty rainbow dash falls in love with derpy. ... you'd think that wouldn't happen in a million years! But anythings possible. Love isn't for popularity, its for.... well, love! :) and thabks nuka! :)
Sorry bout the guest sign. I wasnt by my computer so I had to use my phone.
Dawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
The fic "Lazy Eye" was my first derpy dash fic. U should check it out!!!!!!!!!!!!!
165745 Ok. I will. But uh... How come your not signed in? I can't help but notice that your signed in uder "Guest".
Well, there was plenty of emotion in there. I enjoyed the entire thing.
Ok guys! Chapter 5 is FINALLY up.... I was about to make it a clopfic, but I remembered it was rated T. So.... I'm gonna make a bonus story. That will have a clop of RD and DH. I wonder if what I put in chapter 5 would be considered a clopfic.... eh. XD
I still can't believe Rainbow's friends did that.
.....da fuck just happened?
166170 Lol thats zexactly what I said after I finished writing it!! XD
Okay, andddd..... DONE!!!! ...........WAIT WHAT THE BUCK WAS THAT!?!? XD
BITCH SLAPS !!!
SWEARING !!!
SEX !!!
HOMOPHOBIA !!!
Now we need some explosions.
I don't know what the fuck I'm reading...but for the grace of Celestia and Luna do carry on!
>>LorenzoP
Did someone say Explosions?
166506 DAMN IT! Now I have to find in a way to put in EXPLOSIONS!!! XD
this actually made me cry AND I CAN WRITE A CUPCAKE STORY AND FEEL FINE
apart from the trolls
167509 lol eeeyup! I hear ya!
"PUT IT BACK IN YOUR PANTS AND STOP" awwwwwwwww
...............................................I wasn't aware that I needed to be taught Sex Ed again...................
If it makes you feel any better, I'm friends with the author of Cupcakes and I creeped him out earlier today by showing him a terribly written version of Cupcakes. So yeah. There's that.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm friends with the author of Cupcakes and I creeped him out earlier today by showing him a terribly written version of Cupcakes. So yeah. There's that.
Dafuq? Michael Scott, want to see this in another fic, let alone this one?
i237.photobucket.com/albums/ff82/TheGairey/noooo1.gif
The fuck did I just read?
168686 You, my friend, just read something 20% cooler in 10 seconds flat. 168603 Not quite sure if that's a good thing. Please clarify. 168589 That's cool. I'm so jelly. 168536 Well, it's just a refresher in case you forgot. 168556 Me too, brother. Me too.167785 Probably the best line ever. STOP! DON'T CLOP!!!! XD
Thanks for the support, guys!! =]
168783 My sanity, you can have it all. Its not like I have any left after this...
Although what can I say, I lost my sanity (and figured out sex) long ago all thanks to the internet.
The internet itself has never and will never be innocent even if we want it to be
Though parts of this story were very, very...*shivers* Disturbing
I still felt as if this entire one was a very, very good story. I enjoyed reading it, more than i thought i would, and i hope the next chapter is up soon.
Good job /] brohoof. Big mac's to be exact :3
168822 rule 34, my friend, rule 34...