DUDE! WHEN DID THIS GET HERE! WORDS, RP, CLOPPONIES! That is all! I HAD TOO MUCH SUGAR AND STUFF!
Shield Breaker, a normal Pegasus guard was late, he was the worst of the worst in the entire guard force. He was late as usual, but today he really needed to get to his post because Princess Celestia's niece, Sunny Skies was coming to visit Canterlot for a week, and if he was late for today, he would get fired. Luckily he wasn't fired... yet.
Page generated in 0.074 seconds
Total duration
774 users online
1,199,436 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
As said in the author's notes
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING!
Not bad. A pointer or two though.
You can condense the following into a much easier to read segment:
I woke up from bed and saw my messed up mane and dirty blue coat. Most ponies think the guards dye their coats to match but it's just magic in the armor.
I groggily got up and made my bed. I dragged myself towards the bathroom and took a quick shower.
I dried myself off with a blue towel and brushed my teeth.
I slipped on my way out of the bathroom and made my way to the kitchen. I placed the bread inside the toaster and pushed it down and poured myself a cup of coffee.
Instead say something like:
I woke up a late that morning, as usual, and groggily made my way to the shower, glad that the rumors of the guards dying their coats matching colors wasn't true. Truth be told, it was just magic in the armor. It would have been a nightmare to keep my entire coat dyed constantly. Stepping from the shower I dried off and made my way to the kitchen. Coffee and toast. Again.
How's that sound?
2251150 Thanks
I go fix that right now
2253127
Well don't just copy what I wrote lol! It's just a suggestion on one way to fix it. See what you can come up with yourself, otherwise you won't learn.
2254358 hmmm... Okay, I suffering from lack of sleep and laziness so yeah, there
Anyway I'll try to come up with something.
Would this be a one off or are you a discovery writer?
2275437 Now that I think about it... I have no plan for all my stories... I just spam the keys on the keyboard
So I have to say I am a discovery writer.
Luna, drunk?
Huzzah! The awesome has been doubled!
ยป Mike
Is... is that it?
Is the story over? Truth be told, I like this story, and I want to see it keep going. But, you seem to have written yourself into an ending there, one that really shouldn't be followed up.
Ah, the romantic cliffhanger, the ending to so many of the greatest love stories throughout time. Instead of a wedding, what we are left with is a promise to come back, and a last kiss goodbye. In reality, it's a better way to come to a resolution; it avoids being too happy while leaving a sense of want in the reader. Nicely done on your resolution.
2301941 I'm not done yet
I have more insane crap to pull out of my mind.
2301955 But what you just wrote was a resolution! Something that really shouldn't be followed up on! Which reminds me, now I have to do a lecture on the cliffhanger ending.
2301984 Well, okay then. This was really just a weird idea I got in my head, not really something serious, so the end? I guess
There was suppose to be more, but now I'm lazy. so I'm just leaving it here.
Heh, I'm the only one who forgets my. Birthday ^_^;
ahhh... I'd like to point out a major flaw with this. Namely 'I think we should stop seeing eachother'. Now the reason this is horribly wrong, is that they weren't actually dating in the first place. In fact, literally one chapter ago he was getting mopey cause he figured she'd never love him and then she comes out with this. But instead of going like 'but I haven't gotten to go out with you yet' he's like 'noooo we can't be a couple anymore!'
Soooooo yeaah.... Re-write is in order here.
Loving the Sunny Skies by Midnight Words
Score: 3 out of 10
- Weak Narrative
- Characters Lack Depth
- Dialogue Feels Forced and Overly Sarcastic
- Mood Setting and Scene Visualization are Lacking at Best
Reviewed by Admujica. Read the full review here
2923689 And yet not a single dislike.
Funny.
3754581 Well because it's so unpopular because nearly no one bothered to read it XD