After reading Spike’s journal, Twilight discovers that she might not be valued as a friend by the young dragon as she hopes to be.
So following a series of hilarious attempts of Twilight desperately trying to show Spike how she really values him will no doubt entertain you! By the way, this is not a Twispike story or a shipping story of any kind. This is purely a fic about friendship. Enjoy!
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Sigh, please don't tell people not to flame, it will just encourage them to do so. Just delete any comments that are made purely to harass you.
Now, onto what I think of the story.
The dialogue is stilted and resolves itself far to quickly and with no real feeling in it. There's something wrong with how the narration reads as well, but I can't for the life of me think of the right word to describe it. The only words that pop into my head are 'simple' or 'plain'. The constant addressing of the audience feels out of place, as does using said addressing to tell the audience to wait to see what is going to happen next with the Cakes. The paragraph describing what Rainbow Dash is up to is really badly worded and I felt the entire introduction where you were jumping from character to character was unnecessary.
I will say that you have Twilight down pretty perfectly though.
Have to agree with chinlamp on the adressing the audience part. If you want to do something like this, you have to establish a personality for the narrator first.
Other than that I enjoyed reading a story about Spike and Twilight that doesn't pair them as either mother/child or lovers. ^^
Good introduction: Carry on !
From what i see on my firefox tab: "Discovery - More than my ass" hahha
Hurry, chapter two!
I thank you for the critique Lampy and I can tell you are only trying to improve my writing style for the better. But the way I write is just my style, and hopefully it'll improve over time. As for the narrator, it's just there to announce what's happening and currently has no personality or feelings, however that does sound bland and boring so I might try to give it or him/her more of a personality later on. Thank you for the comments, the faves, and etc. The new chapter will be up soon, but I need to work out some kinks first. Peace out, K-B.
Yeah, your narration could use some work, but besides that I like where this is going!
you have my interest
Q: will this (i hope) become a Twispike fic?
if not thats cool too 
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Unfortunately it won't. I like the pairing, but this fic will just be about friendship. Thank you for your interest though!
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fair enough
OK, I like this story, it a fun piece that I'm interested in seeing where you are taking it.
That said the 'author asides' that you've added need to go. They disrupt the flow, bringing you out of the story and generally come across as amateurish. If you wish to put comments into the narrative it should to be a MST take. Posted separately. Injecting comments like this will almost certainly degrade your work. Please stop.
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Okay, that's it!
No more suggestions okay! Do this, do that, just stop all of you! Forget everything I did to both chapters and I will write this MY WAY! If you guys don't like that, then just get lost!
2124548 Wow, someone doesn't like suggestions. haha
But either way it was a fine little read so kudos.
lol this is going to be crazy fun
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Thank you very much. I'll admit that my previous comment was over the top, but I write for a reason: to make others happy. Sounds cheesy I know, but it's what I want to do, and I'm not going to let others who think my writing should improve stop me. Like I said before: the way I write is my style, and I think my style is perfect to me. Have a good day, K-B.
I'm with darkeva on this one. See, inserting MST3k-ish comments could work without breaking the narrative apart in very jarring and aggravating way, but you need to use present tense. That way the narrator (who now appears to be a conscious presence) is commenting on the action as it's happening. It makes no sense to drop present-tense comments on a story that already happened.
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Is this story continuing?