Constructive criticism is asked, tell me if you liked it or not and why.
Sequel: How to Bore a Commissioner
Previously known as "There Is Always A Solution."
In an alternate Equestria, where technology has progressed faster thanks to magic, Shield Heart is a regular enforcer, tasked with the retrieval of an ancient medallion deep inside Goblin Territory. After things go south he faints near Ponyville, where Fluttershy, Shining Armor and Cadence rush him to a hospital.
Shining Armor and Cadence are surprised that an old friend has come, but they know from experience that where Shield goes, trouble is bound to come. And things don't improve when the commissioner learns that he has been stationed in Ponyville, the peaceful town he really doesn't know much of.
Now, Twilight and company have been tasked with the restoration of Shield Heart's mental health. A task easier said than done.
Cadence and Shining Armor appear in chapter 2
Cover Artist: Mauroz
Self-insert...oh okay, fine. Your grammar is good and I like the idea.
After a couple of minutes.
Pleasantly surprising, not phenomenal, but certainly not bad.
2164487
Thanks for the comment, I really appreciate it.
I'm reading through your story and I just wanted to say that at the very beginning you say "MRE ratios" instead of "rations". Unless it's supposed to be ratios hehe. I'll be reviewing it after I finish the entire thing, but this just popped out at me from the start.
Sooo, is this all just anthro ponies?
2588503
Umm... No, they are full humans. They just have more hair colors.
What gave you that impression?
You guys should really post your opinions and/or reviews. I really want to know whether my stories are any good.
2625881
I'll do that. I just need to read it first.
Personally, I'm not one for humanized ponies or even anthro ponies. At least, not for serious fics. Also not a big fan of weaponized ponies seeing as how they're just so cute!
However, since you're asking for criticism (and I know how frustrating it is to not actually recieve decent criticism beyond 'I liked it' or 'that sucked'), here goes: at first glance in the initial chapter, there are several grammar mistakes. Nothing major, but a few sentences that don't flow right and some missing punctuation. Also, an Addendum would be something added after its publication- which I don't think would fit in the context of such a report. Oh, and after a spoken sentence, if you want to continue, then you don't capitalize the next word. I.e., "Blah blah?" he asked.
Then, there's your pacing. It seems to sort of jump often, skipping things that would take a long time to develope and describing much more the actions during fight sequences that would actually take much less time. From the reader's perspective, it should be simple to follow exactly what happens- instead, it's like, "Alright, he jumped off a train... wait, now he's inside somewhere? Wait, he's deep in a mountain? Why is there a ramp at the end of that track? Man, he spent almost no time anywhere!" It makes for an aesthetically unpleasing read. My own story had that issue in the first chapter, before I asked (forced) a friend to proofread for me, and I don't feel I have an isue with it anymore. However, it took quite some time to get out of that rut! My trick is to think about it from that character's perspective, and imagine the reader in their place- what would they take notice of? what would they want to look at? Exactly how does every action and thought affect them and their surroundings in their most infinitesimal detail? It takes a LOT more words per chapter, but I think it's worth it.
Besides grammar and pacing, I didn't see muc wrong with it. Granted, I only read the first chapter, but I don't think there'd be any issues in the subsequent ones. The character and universe are original, the story is interesting, and you should just keep working on it 'till it's feature box worthy. Practice makes perfect! I probably won't continue reading since it isn't my cup 'o tea, but take a like for the effort!
2631599
Thanks for your opinion, I really appreciate it.
I'll do my best to re-read the first chapter and fix it, seeing as though that is very important.
I turned everyone into humans mainly because I can't read about ponies committing murder, but it's very easy for humans
and I needed to create a violent character specifically for my story. I wanted to explore a violent man in a peaceful environment..
I'm sad to hear you won't continue reading, but then again, I rarely read romance fics. So I have no reason to complain.
I'm glad that you didn't complain about the supposed self-insert, because I created my username after the character.
And once again, thank you for your review
2632833
Sure! I'd sugget getting a proofreader or editor, that way you can fix that before you publish. And I have absolutely no problems with self-inserts... If they're done right. In the one story I've got going now, it isn't *exactly*a self insert, I just gave the main character a lot of my characteristics and many of my sillier stories. The way I combat the 'self-insert' idea, though, is giving him WAY more emotional turbulence, an absolutely terrible homelife, and completely different surroundings, as well as switching up the POV every once in a while from first person to third person limited, and focusing on the other characters only.
Basically, he's a character that started with a bit of a personal seed, but is now a fully-fledged OC. So I stopped getting complaints after the first chapter to switch perspectives.
And who said I absolutely wasn't going to continue reading??? I said probably won't. There's nothing definitive there!
Best wishes!
2633284
Sorry, I usually assume that people won't continue reading. I would get an editor, but I just can't find one! If you know of anyone (or are willing to volunteer) please, by all means.
2634402
Since I'm writing a story of my own, pretty much all the time I spend having anything to do with writing and/or ponies is devoted to my own stuff. Sorry.
HOWEVER, check out The Proofreader Group or, if you're looking for an editor, any of the numerous groups on this site. Just follow their instructions, and you should get someone helping you with your stuff in no time!
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Requiem for a Soldier
Grammar score out of 10: 3
Pros
There was definitely not a lack of action.
The main character reminds me of Dante from Devil May Cry.
It's HUMANIZED! thank god this isn't another HiE.
Cons
Your grammar was simply atrocious. No other way to put it.
Your pacing need some work. the writing style is rather choppy.
Really? Blasto? That was the best you could think of?
Notes Section
This has the potential to be an awesome story. However, the many issues with grammar and pacing continually detract from it. Your main character is definately dynamic, I'll say that. Reminds me a lot of Dante, like I said. His arsenal is definitely interesting, and I'd love to see some combat scenes with better grammar/ pacing.
I would offer to help you with this, but it would probably end up with me just re-writing the chapter in it's entirety.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story/ this story: Trials of the Republic is my baby. :3
2684443
Thanks for the review, I know that my grammar is horrible. But I'll try to rewrite it and improve it.
You can expect my review soon.
2684443
By the way, This one respectfully disagrees with you. i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/471/150/040.jpg
I feel highly interested to know where you got that cover picture
3002568
I found it on DeviantArt, I put the artist's link in the description. The guy has some of the best humanized artwork I've ever seen.
If his is as good a GentlemanJ's Journey of the Graves series, I will give you a medal.
3055637
Wow, that's a lot of pressure you're putting on me. I'm no pro, but I'll do my best to meet these expectations.
3056159
sparkplugpeople.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/Confidence.jpg
What this says!
3057213
Thanks man, I really appreciate it. This is the first time anyone has said anything like it. Now I know I MUST work hard. I was starting to lose my edge on this series.
3136722
I see you like guns... I think you'll love the Steel Legion
very good your stories
the character is cynical and crazy like me (remember to dante)
it's a shame you to cancel some of your stories
but I will continue reading your stories
luck and do not give up you have talent
practice a little more and you will be one of the best
greetings from Mexico City
3139465
A chilango, I see…
Equestrian Steel and Octavarium Creed got cancelled because I rebooted them into Requiem for a Soldier and The Magic of Music respectively. I felt they were poorly written and were too convoluted, so I had to axe them.
Thanks for your support! Greetings from Guadalajara!
That cover page.... dayum....
Therefore it shall be read!!!
Hi! So, I'm kinda late but I thought I would drop a line anyway! I find this when a found the sequel and I noticed you ask for opinions so I thought I'd give you mine!
I don't like it.
There is so many strikes I can't even explain them all, so lets go with a list!
1. Firearms- they have magic, enhanced strength, and weather control, why would they need guns?
2. Cars/ automobiles- they just got trains if I understand the show correctly, so how do the have ATVs and limos?
3. Op as fuck- this guy can easily defeat goblins by the truck load and dozens of changelings? So where was this guy when all the other problems were happening, like Nightmare Moon or the invasion of Canterlot?
4. Changelings- I was excited to see goblins in the beginning but then you pulled out changelings. That is just lazy, like pulling out the old manticore of cockatrice. A cheap enemy that everyone has used to the point that they have become boring.
Well there's four things. There are others but I didn't want to list everything I found a problem with, just a few of them so I didn't waste to much of you time.
3556576
I see someone posting constructive critisism
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/624/737/e40.gif
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/629/969/0d0.gif
Critisism in never late, but it is welcome as soon as possible.
So allow me to go point by point and try to explain my creative decisions.
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/597/891/904.gif
1. Because why not?
Joking aside: Because even with magic, there are people who don't have magic and need to defend themselves. Also, mages can run out of juice, and with Murphy's Law in effect it means that they will run out of juice whenever they need it the most. So that's why there are guns powered by magic, Equestria actually has a ban on solid projectile throwers, something you could read in the sequel, but there are still various problems that cannot be resolved by the use of the elements. Strength enhancements actually come at a short-term price, as you read Shield lost his lunch because of this, so there's little reason to go Hulk whenever there's a bully in town. You'd die from magic poisoning.
2. This is partly to maintain aesthetics. Trains are still the best way to go around, and all cities have strict controls over what motor vehicles are allowed. Canterlot doesn't have any sorts of cars because it would conflict with its image of a medieval/baroque city. The other part is going to be described in point 5.
3. I will admit, he is slightly OP. Yes, just slightly, his last incarnation was OP as fuck. But not this one. The only reason he killed so many goblins was because either gravity or their own love for explosions did most of the work for him. As with the changelings, they still managed to injure him somewhat, he didn't get tetanus just from the trolls. Also, this is the guy who doesn't care if he lives or dies so long as his actions in some way help his friends. He nearly got killed because of it. Also, he's been fighting since he was fifteen years old. He's just really good at it and he loves it, its his addiction.
So, we know Celestia wanted to save Luna, but if she dispatched Shield there would have been one of two likely outcomes:
1. He dies: I'm serious, he can't take down an angel (human equivalent of alicorn) whose gone
Oversoul ( Nightmare mode) unless he has an entire army of veterans at his side. To me
goblins are low-level cannon fodder, something he's used to killing.
2. Nightmare Moon dies, along with Princess Luna: There's no reason as to why Celestia
couldn't have killed her if it meant saving her sister. So why send a lunatic who will do
everything to kill her?
Concerning the wedding: Vanhoover is the city where he lived before his mission, and that is two days away if you travel by train (One if it's a bullet train and six hours by plane but that shit is expensive.) Remember, he was mad because no one told him that they were getting married so it's not like he could have just popped in and have become a Deus Ex Machina.
4. Yeah, I'll give you the full point in this one. The only reason as to why they are there is because of an aborted arc in which Changelings would attempt an all-out invasion on Manehattan (Which was the main plot point in Equestrian Steel and that was shit.) I would change it but I can't slow down, I'm too busy thinking of how Twilight will end up fighting ogres that act like the orks in warhammer 40k. The Changelings are at the bottom of my villains list, below Evil PMCs and Smith Lord of Boardor
5. I wanted to distance myself from the actual canon (henceforth the AU tag) because I wanted to imagine my own Equestria. Horses have little need for vehicles because they are used as vehicles by humans. Humans have been forced to evolve their methods of transportation to make them as efficient as possible. So, at least for me, it's more logical if humans stopped using horses and began developing cars and stuff. There are still those (Appleloosa Rangers and Canterlot Royal Guard) that use horses in combat even if it's just for the sake of tradition.
6. As to elaborate even further in the guns department, it comes tied to being a human. Ever since our beginning we have tried our best to create more efficient ways to exterminate our fellow man, and Equestrians have had to deal with it and learn how to defend themselves. I didn't want to create a universe that was Ponyverse with humans, I wanted to imagine Equestria if it was made by humans.
If you could take the time and write down that would be great. I like the occasional praise but I love it when they challenge my story. It makes me really think back and question if I have done a good job. I usually have an explanation for everything that happens but I just don't want to give you the info. I think people enjoy it if they realized it themselves.
So anyways, thanks for your time and if you have any rebuttals I really don't mind. In fact I would love it.
3556883
You-you respected my opinion on your story when it wasn't glowing praise...
I'm, I'm sorry. I'm just so happy..
Anyway, I won't argue with any of the points you made as you are the author and I suppose as such you should be able to take some artistic freedoms. Most of my arguments about your counter points are mainly flimsy and fall into element of harmony and friendship territory. I think we can agree those don't make for exciting battles and the fact that the cast is human does actually seem like it would affect that so I guess we can chalk this up to personal tastes!
3557176
Wait, were you expecting me to be a dick about your comment?
If that's the case, then what kind of author would I be? It's criticism like yours that helps me improve as an author. Granted its not easy to have my story under fire, but if someone doesn't tell me why it sucks I won't be able to improve. I'd just be stuck writing mediocre stories.
I will admit, my stories are more for a niche market and definitely not for everyone. I have to accept that not everyone will glorify me. But rather than skulk and grunt I would rather learn why people don't like it. Maybe most are just haters, but if I turned away every single negative comment I'll end up writing worse than Stephen Meyer (Or some other mediocre author).
So in the end, Thanks!
3557825
I... Seem to have a bad habit of criticizing authors who are of the mind set that if I don't like it, I can go stick it where the sun don't shine. So, when I do get an author that appreciates my opinion instead of insulting my intellect, questioning my sexual preference, or being dismissive to the point of being callous, it makes me feel warm in fuzz inside. As to date, I think you are only the second or third who have replied with something positive. And that's not to say everyone I commented to were rude, just most of the authors whose story's I found fault with.
Hehe, LOTR
They have a cave troll
More LOTR
Dude, do you know how to teach a gun course?
Because that was not it.
5294231
Not really... And neither does Shield
5294639. Oh ok.
& One ring to rule them all
& in the Darkness bind them!