Fluttershy's Last Lullaby

Late Registrator

Late Registrator #1 · Feb 28th, 2013 · 1 · ·

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Time to see if my feels can handle this....

Shiro-kun

Shiro-kun #2 · Feb 28th, 2013 · 1 · ·

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2192776 trust me it'll attack them feels, I cried writing this.

Ruewolf

Ruewolf #3 · Feb 28th, 2013 · 1 · ·

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the feels

SuperPinkBrony12

SuperPinkBrony12 #4 · Feb 28th, 2013 · · ·

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Despite being rushed this really hit me in the feels.

R.I.P. Fluttershy

Shiro-kun

Shiro-kun #5 · Feb 28th, 2013 · 1 · ·

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2192912 awww Rainbow Dash is crying D: fits with the story though

Shiro-kun

Shiro-kun #6 · Feb 28th, 2013 · · ·

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2192881 I have another one posted up, but it's not published cause it didn't pass so I'm currently editing it, but most of the fanfics I have and will write will probably attack the feels lol. Everypony needs a good cry every once in a while :p

FakeScienceMonthly

FakeScienceMonthly #7 · Mar 1st, 2013 · 1 · ·

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You should probably have put more effort into proofreading this. There's lots of misused words and things that aren't quite correct like Aj -> AJ. Correct writing for dialogue is "Speech," said Character and not "Speech" Said Character. Lots of little mistakes.

The start of the story feels awkward. I like how you get to the point quickly, but you really give the reader too much information to absorb in a short time. Then there's the dialogue. About half of your dialogue is ponies saying hello, goodbye or laughing at out of place anecdotes. A real conversation is more fluid than this. Also, it feels at points like you are just trying to shoehorn traits from the show onto your characters at the wrong times. The parts with angel bunny and Fluttershy using the word assertive is an example of this. A lot of the characters in the story don't have anything to do. You should probably have written them out to make the story more clear. Only Fluttershy and Rainbow are needed. Maybe Pinkie as well.

For the main plot, you didn't really break any new ground with this. I've read stories that are pretty much the same as this before. The only thing that happens is that Fluttershy dies. An interesting plot needs more stuff, or at least more insightful characters so the reader learns something. This story is purely emotionally driven. You are successful in creating a story that is sad, but not much else.

You fell too heavily into the tropes of sadfics. It is unlikely that Fluttershy would want to die without a proper goodbye. It is unlikely Rainbow Dash would resign herself to the situation so quickly. If anything she should be angry at Fluttershy, and demand she goes to a Hospital. The singing at the end is out of character filler that you got away with because it held the mood of the scene. Why would Fluttershy go to an alchemist for medical advice and not a doctor? Why were her friends all to thick to pick up on her obvious deteriorating state? Doesn't she go to the spa every week with Rarity? Why didn't she see it?

You fell into the trap that I mentioned on your friends story. Next time you write something, work out the plot first, then add the emotions. It's a very strange thing being a writer, cutting up sadness into little chunks and dishing it out to your characters. It requires both enough cold detachment from your world to ensure it is realistic, and emotional involvement to gain the readers empathy. It's a very difficult balance, and here you go off to one side.

Shiro-kun

Shiro-kun #8 · Mar 1st, 2013 · · ·

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2194361 Thanks, theres a lot I can learn from you. But in all honesty this is the first fanfic I've written without a proper plot but still actually tried. In my opinion I think it was good, in others opinions it was probably the same and to some it was bad. I don't know, but the pointers you give really help out. Again, thanks.

dormagio

dormagio #9 · Mar 2nd, 2013 · 1 · ·

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Let me preface this by saying that however critical I am, I admire that you have the dedication to write 5000 words. That is a skill that not everyone possesses and it tells me that you have potential.

Now I started reading, and it feels really awkward. The writing doesn't feel fluid and the dialogue is weird. I'll try to break it down:

1. Vary your sentence structures. I have said it before, and I will say it again, repetitive sentences distract from the story.
A) In your first paragraph your sentences start, in order; Raindbow Dash, They, Rainbow Dash, They, Rainbow Dash. At the end of it, all I took away was someone beating my head with the word Rainbow Dash. Mix it up, start with verbs, use sound effects, do something so that every sentence does not start with the same subject. It's the difference between having hamburgers for every meal for a week, and having steak, then hamburgers, then tacos, then meatballs. It is the same general thing, but one gets older way quicker.

2. This is more of a personal writing style, but I have never been fond of the structure (Bob said, ”Hi"). If at all possible, I like to have only two people that can talk in any one scene because it lets me get away with not saying who says what. It is not necessarily bad to use that structure, but if you use the wrong word or phrase, then it gets clunky.
A) "“It was awesome! Spitfire learned a new trick where you do a spin and a flip and then high tail a right curve!” Rainbow Dash was explaining as if she was talking to two other pegasus ponies.
“haha Rainbow I hate to break it to you but we have no idea what you’re talking about” Twilight replied to Rainbow Dash making her looking like a goof ball."
- This passage actually relates to a couple of the points I have made before. The first is that you "tell" us what happened instead of letting us see for ourselves. You don't need the phrases after the indication of who is speaking. We can tell that she is using technobabble because Twilight's comment expresses a lack of understanding. Similarly, we can see that Dash looks like a fool for forgetting that she is not talking to Pegasi. It is not necessary to state it. Final note about this passage, you see to use the word "replied" a lot in this story so far. Don't sweat it too much, everyone does this, you just need to watch to make sure you don't repeat the same word too often if it doesn't add to the story.

3. Both FakeScienceMonthly and I have mentioned this, but character dialougue, and reactions are a big thing. It can be very hard to get right and will mess up a story if you don't. I don't know how other people do it, but I have always found it helpful to compose a list of what motivates a character. What do they like? What do they dislike? What do they want out of a situation? What drives them? Ask and answer as many of these kinds of questions as you can. Make sure you know the character you are writing for inside and out. Then, when it comes time to write their dialogue and actions, roleplay. Put yourself, or have someone else put you, in the situation the character is in. Use your first thought as to what they say or do. As long as it is in character, make that what the character does. If they have a split second to make a decision, think like them and give yourself a split second. The more naturally you can play the character, the better the dialogue and responses will come out. I'm not saying this is the only way to do this, but it is the way I prefer.

4. Word choice is a big deal when it comes to writing. The right word can really sum up up what you mean without rambling on for ages.
A) "They both walked out and went into town where they found Twilight, Applejack, Rarity, and Pinkie all together by Twilight's library. They were all conversating about what they wanted to do."
- First off, I think the word you were looking for was conversing. Conversating is not a word to my knowledge. I wouldn't use that word at all though. I would combine the two sentences like so:
[When the two Pegasi got into town, they find their other friends debating outside of Twilight's library.] From there, I would have the characters reveal what the topic of the debate was with dialogue.
B)""Aw come on Aj, I won't tell anyone" Rainbow Dash sounded upset but was faking it to get Applejack to tell her."
-This one is pretty simple, all I would do is change the description of Rainbow Dash to "feigning indignance."
["Aw come on AJ, I won't tell anyone." Said Rainbow Dash, feigning indignance]

5. I won't really reiterate what I said about "show, don't tell", because I think I made it clear on Melakai Symphonia's story. That doesn't change the fact that it is still vitally important. It is too easy to mess up and doing it wrong can really make the reader uncomfortable.

6. The last thing that comes to mind is the story. I see what you were going for, and you were pretty successful. It is a little tropey, but that's not all that bad. It could be argued that it is in Fluttershy's character not to want to mention it, but I feel like Rainbow Dash would have seen some signs. I don't think she would have figured it out, but she should have a connecting the dots moment when Dluttershy tells her. Also, I think this could have been made much sadder by extending the lullaby scene with flashbacks, introspection, and description. Just put some words between the lines of the song to make it more haunting. Final thought, I think you could play with font size to portray Fluttershy fading away. ["Hush now, quiet now it's time... to go ... to ... bed"]

My final word of advice is read. Read as much as you can so you can really get a feel for how a good story works. Reading will always help.

Shiro-kun

Shiro-kun #10 · Mar 2nd, 2013 · · ·

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2199643Thanks, I know of two fanfics that are tremendously upsetting, Friendship is tragic and My little Dashie. I want to be as good as them with their writing and I'll work on my writing and putting myself in their hooves. You and TheScienceMonthly are I can't really say "critics" but good advisers for those who are looking for points in which they have mistakes and flaws in their writing and tips and tricks on how they can fix their writing. I'll have to re-read the one I'm working on now to see if I can fix anything with my own knowledge. Melakai told me earlier today that he was told that when writing a fanfic to turn off the monitor and just let the feelings and thoughts flow because the mindset to fix interacts with the mindset to create. So I can write up two quick stories to test this method but he stated that after writing with the monitor off, go back over the story and edit it after words. Thanks, I really do appreciate the help. I hope to keep in contact with both you and TheScienceMonthly.

Nopeneverever

Nopeneverever #11 · Oct 17th, 2013 · · ·

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The feels...

Shiro-kun

Shiro-kun #12 · Oct 17th, 2013 · 1 · ·

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3360661Since this story, I've gotten a lot better at writing and though I'm taking a break from writing at the moment, I'm planning on posting a happy fic soon. Hope you enjoy my next fanfic!