Applejack and her family find themselves in a bunch when the CMC's are asked by Spike to do a favor, however, during their little journey Applebloom stumbles into a small stir. Scootaloo and Sweetiebelle go back to the farm and tell Applejack, but when they get there Applebloom is nowhere to be seen. As Applejack and Scootaloo are looking around, they tell Sweetiebelle to head back home, shortly after Applejack tells Scootaloo the same as she finds some horrifying clues, and fears for her sisters life.
Chapters (1)
Oh great more death in the equestrian world... I seriously need to start listening to the tragedy tags that people put on these things see ya I'm gonna go read a comedy maybe even a random... Heheh
2929154 heh my apologies, it was a rewrite of the first one I've ever officially written. I'm planning on writing a happy once with a break of sadness in the middle. No death, just a happy ending.
2929231
Don't apologize.. some stories include death and i need to accept that... But in my opinion there are too many. I liked this one but the ghost disturbed me in a more senseful way...im not asking you to write (type???) about what you want to put out there less but I'm just putting my opinion out there! A good example of one that just went over the edge was A Shattered Jewel I think...? Not only death but suicide without thinking I almost committed suicide once it wasn't fun...
EDIT: Wow 2 edits :P unlike me to care too ,much about what I type but oh well?
2929783Hahaha, I don't know why but I enjoy writing sadfics, however, I do want to give happy ones a go :3 and I think the ghost part seemed kind of cool, almost like a final goodbye thing :o
2932785
True its just I've had bad experiences with ghost don't ask though...
2933116Your not the only one.. lived next to an abandoned house when I was younger and what we found in it was from the afterlife.. anywho, think you can spread my fanfic? It'd greatly appreciate it
2940467
Sure! I loved this one so much! I'll try to get this one more views
2944647Thank you!
My Fluttershy one got a pretty good view count a few days after I posted it, I'm surprised this one didn't get as many as that one 
However, after Bronycon I'm going to try and write a good, happy ending fanfic 
2949840
Thank you I'll be sure to read it
2959455It's another sadfic though D: I don't want you feeling all sad.. :c
2961852 its fine! I really don't care as long as it has happy ending and you don't leave it sad like you did this one!
2965549its really sad.. but I guess if you look at it a curtain way it can be happy :o
2967522 *certain*
2967793Shut it I commented at like 5 in the morning after pulling an all nighter in black ops 2 XD
2972409 well *certainly* can't wait for the next fanfic!
2973826I'll try to make it happen, right now I'm dealing with some bull.. sorry.
2983265 take your time! I know a good writer when I see one!
2984411Thank you lol, I appreciate the comment and I'm even more motivated to write a happyfic because I was at bronycon and met MictheMicrophone and he said he'd check out my fic if I wrote a happy one :D
2991691 I would have went to bronycon but I'm only 13
2992325In time my good friend, you will enjoy the satisfaction of going to a bronyconvention soon :D I'm only 19 and this was my very first con ever, so I'm glad it was Bronycon :3
2992800 a winner is you!
2992800 mine sure will be!
2999676Well if you can make it to next years I'll look for yah :p
3008792 I doubt it :P but there is always hope am I right :)
3008804Yes sir you are correct :p
Here we are. It took me a while, but I finally found some time. In a horrifying way, I like what you did with this. The tragedy is gripping and feels real. I found a couple things here and there, but nothing serious. Practice, practice, practice.
For handy references here is a list of the typos I found:
1."Oh well ok, the ladders by the barn." - ladder's
2. "as she seen a blur of colors dash by." - saw
3. "Those little ones need to be more carefull" - careful
4. "she then finally seen her brother." - saw
5. "She wispered to herself" -whispered
6. "often stop to sob or whipe away oncomming" - wipe and oncoming
7. "Reluctantly he didn't want to really drop the subject, but dicided to brush it off anyhow." - You misspelled "deciding", but I would rephrase the sentence as [He was reluctant to drop the subject, but decided to respect his sister's wishes.] anyway.
8. "yeah, she was so reluctant to leave" - I think you mean "she was so eager to leave."
9. "beginning to emit a foal oder now that she was" - I would think that she alway emitted a foal odor. I believe you meant foul.
10. "corpse, his accest seemed a little absent" - accent
11. "know he know how she" - Knew
12. "immediately woken by Spide, who seemed" - Spike
13. "slowly swong open, exposing" - swung
14. "days after words" - afterwards
15. "Twilight lied on the ground" - lay
This is a list of my suggestions and whatnot:
1 "Scootaloo said as she went in with Applejack" - I feel like went is a little too emotionless. I would try something like ran, dashed, or galloped.
2. "the one pony in her family she could treat as a child without getting any negative feedback," - That description feels really strange and out of place. Shouldn't it be something like [the light of the apple family]?
3. ""Applejack didn’t know what to do, or how to take it for that matter. She began to cry, got up and even began bucking at the walls of the abyss. Applejack just simply snapped and ran back the way she came, reaching the steep but climbable slope she slid down nearly eight-teen minutes prior. "Applebloom... why!?"" - This whole freak-out is kind of off putting. It feels awkward. I would try taking all of that information and stretching it out with details. Maybe 4."crying uncontrollably", and "running blind". Stuff like that. Give us time to process her reaction. As is, it's like watching a video on fast forward.
5. "what he was hoping was all just a lie" - I get what you mean, and I like it. I just feel that "lie" implies that someone told him. I would use "paranoia".
6."A few days had passed and Big Mac and Applejack have been seen less and less around town." - This should be the start of another paragraph. Also, try [As the days went on, their close friends noticed that AppleJack and Big Mac were showing up less and less around town.]
7. "Twilight was with Spike, which wasn't anything out of the ordinary, and were shopping around town. However, though nothing seemed too strange, Spike had seemed to be more jumpy around any pony who seemed to call out, or just even walk by" - You mention how everything is normal too often. Just once is enough. [Twilight had been noticing that Spike was acting awfully strange. They were out shopping, as they did every Tuesday, but he seemed to jump at every sound and recoil from every pony.]
I like this, man. It's good. Oh my god why?!? But good. I definitely look forward to your happy fic. Keep it up.
3019843I gotta admit man without you I wouldn't be able to see the problems in my writing lol. I do admit though I write a lot at night, sometimes early mornings like around 3 or 4am. I have got to stop writing so late at night and write when I'm more alert. Also, spoiler, my happy fanfic will be about Derpy and the mane 6, however I want to stretch it out a bit more than what I've been initially writing. I want to try for about 20,000 words or so, maybe more.
3027904 That's a pretty big goal there man!
3044478I want to be sure to actually add more detail and feels into it, I want it to have a mutual beginning, a sad middle, and a happy ending. But placing everything together is going to take some planning