For Muffinland!

Foreword: I do not own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. It belongs to Hasbro and Lauren Faust.

Muffinland
By M1Garand8

For Muffinland!

The Grand Castle of the Great Queendom of Muffinland was a grand affair. Through its wide carpeted halls of red with gold trim, a pegasus strode with great confidence and determination.

The pegasus, whose light steel grey coat shone under the bright sunlight filtering through the tall stained windows depicting the epic battles the queendom had been through and spiky light golden mane brushed to perfection, was on her way to the throne room and ready to begin a new day in her court.

A dress of royal blue that flowed about her person and a crown of jewel studded muffin completed her appearance. Under the reign of Queen Ditzy Doo, the Grand Queendom had saw prosperity and peace within its borders and drew many envious eyes, in particular the Kingdom of Cupcakes, led by the detestable and unpredictable King Pinkamena Diane Pie.

The kingdom had issued several threats over the past months – the queendom should bow to the will of the king and join her rank as its vassal. Those demands had met with a stone wall of rejection and the proclamation that queendom will fight to its last if the kingdom ever invaded.

The proclamation did not deter the king, however, who issued yet another threat. It appeared in the grand queendom this early morning via a thrown cloth facsimile of a muffin, dressed in mockery of the queendom in the color of the Kingdom of Cupcakes.

Ditzy strode into her throne room through the wide and tall gold trimmed doors held open by her personal muffin guards. She was early, as she saw that her advisor, Blueberry, had not yet taken his position beside her throne. In fact, he was nowhere to be seen.

Brushing the mild worry bubbling inside her aside, she sat down on her throne, patiently awaiting her trusted advisor to arrive. However, this would not be the case as a thunderous echo of footsteps cumulated in the doors of her throne room being thrown wide open, revealing two Apple muffins dressed in skewed plate armors.

They stopped ten feet short of the throne and laid prostate in front of their great queen. “My Queen! W-we bring ill tidings!”

A frown scrunched the brows above the directionally mismatched eyes of Ditzy. “What is it? Speak.”

The prostate soldiers bowed even lower. “The threat issued by the Kingdom of Cupcakes was a ruse!” Tears were streaming down the brown and golden surface of the muffin face now. “Our lord, Lord Apple was slain when he set forth to retrieve it!”

A hoof brushed the chin of Ditzy. “I believe there is more to this, judging from your disheveled appearance. Go on.”

“Y-yes, my Queen… The Kingdom of Cupcakes is invading! Their armies march on the capital as we speak!” The muffin sobbed. “We barely escaped with our lives! The good Lord let us retreat while he held an entire company off!” The two muffins broke into crying.

Ditzy stood up from her throne and turned to one of the guards. “Seek Advisor Blueberry, and tell him to be here the soonest!”

“Yes, my Queen.” The guard bowed and ran past the prostate soldiers and through the door.

Ditzy now turned to the soldiers. “Rise, my subjects.”

“Yes, my Queen…” They did as they were told.

“Go and let yourselves be tended to. After that, rally whatever that is left of your comrades. We shall be marching against the cupcakes soon.” Ditzy waved a hoof. “Now go.”

“Yes, my Queen!” The soldiers turned and left.

Ditzy watched as the soldiers scampered off, quietly fuming. Pinkamena, how many times do I have to let you know? Cupcakes will never be with Muffins. She let out a soft huff.

“My Queen?” A new voice broke Ditzy out of her reverie.

She turned to the sight of a muffin studded with large, deep blue blueberries. “Ah, Blueberry, you are just in time. The queendom is in crisis – the cupcakes march against us.”

“Yes, I have heard.” A hand adjusted his red tie tucked inside his dark grey suit. “The kingdom had launched a large head on invasion of our fair lands.”

“So, what do you suggest for our course of action?” Ditzy said.

“Rally all of our lords and meet them head on. If we blunt the head of the invasion, the rest of the armies will falter.”

Ditzy nodded. “I was thinking of the same. It is a pity that Lord Apple was slain, however, he was one of our best.”

“A pity, yes but not one we should dwell upon.” Blueberry brushed out some creases in his suit. “You will be leading the lords, I presume?”

“Always. I will lead our army to victory.” Ditzy stepped down the steps leading to her throne.

“Of course, my Queen.” Blueberry bowed and followed his queen out of the throne room.

***

The sea of spears and cupcakes stretched from horizon to horizon. Ditzy stood on a knoll dressed in immaculately polished suit of armor along with Lords Bran, Chocolate, Corn, Vanilla and Sprinkles, surveying the battlefield. The sight of such a large army was more than a little worrying but the lords were confident. The cupcake troops were known for lacking in discipline.

It was agreed upon that Lords Bran and the remnants of Lord Apple’s army will march up the middle and draw in the enemy while Lords Chocolate and Vanilla will hit the enemies’ left flank while Lords Corn and Sprinkles will hit the right flank.

Everyone soon nodded and left to prepare their positions, with Ditzy at the head of the army. Once everyone was in position, Ditzy nodded to Lord Bran, who in turn slapped a trumpet muffin in the back. The sound of the trumpet was the signal. Ditzy unsheathed her sword with her mouth.

“At the quick time, march!”

The army started moving forward. Though slow at first, it soon picked up speed and momentum. A battle cry rose amongst the ranks of soldiers, whose thundering footfalls could be heard all the way across the field.

“To arms, cupcakes! To arms!” A yell could be heard.

The two armies closed and soon, the two moving walls of steel crashed into each other. Ditzy was immediately thrown into a wild melee of swords and spears. She sidestepped a wild charge of a cupcake and sliced him in the back for his troubles.

“Forward, my muffins! Forward!” she yelled through her clenched teeth.

Ditzy charged and impaled a cupcake with her sword. Leaping upwards, she dodged the thrust of five spears and pinned them when she landed. Pulling the sword out of the dead cupcake, she swung and took down three of the spear cupcakes on the right while Lord Bran cut the remaining two down.

“Forward! Bran Muffins of the Grand Muffinland Army!” Lord Bran raised his sword. “We will defeat the cupcakes today!”

This roused a roar of battle cry from the army and the soldiers attacked with gusto. Soon, the cupcakes were slowly pushed back even though the center army was supposed to be a feint. It was of no consequence, however, as Ditzy spied the raised flags of the Chocolate, Vanilla, Corn and Sprinkle Muffin armies encircling the cupcake army.

Ditzy raised her sword. “Onward! The enemy is surrounded! We must find the perpetrator of this whole invasion, King Pinkamena!” She charged into the fray once more.

Her army roared agreement and followed. Ditzy swung and cut down more cupcakes who foolishly charged the queen. She could feel her near now. Sheathing her sword, she wrapped a hoof around the thrust of a cupcake’s spear and pulled it off him. Butting the cupcake into the ground, she simply slashed the enemy with the spear as she dashed past.

“Pinkamena! I know you are here! Show yourself!” Ditzy roared.

A swing of her spear bowled a squad of cupcakes over and her soldiers took care of them as she moved on, followed closely by Lord Bran. Soon, they were upon the pony they were looking for: King Pinkamena Diane Pie. Dressed in dark plated armor, the said king stood on her back hooves, her eyes closed and unmoving. Her fore legs were angled weirdly off to the side of her barrel.

Ditzy spit off the spear and drew her sword. “Pinkamena! You will recall your army now and stop this bloodshed!”

The yelling seemed to have no effect but after a moment the king’s eyes slowly opened. Pinkie Pie’s face brightened at the sight of Ditzy. “Ditzy!” Pinkie was hugging the grey pegasus in an instant before she could even raise her sword. “You’re finally here!”

“Unhand my queen, you ruffian of a king!” Lord Bran charged the pink pony.

Pinkie simply backflipped away from the swing of the muffin’s sword and then said: “Ditzy, I sent you so many invitations! Why won’t you come to my parties with all the cupcakes?”

Ditzy pointed her sword at Pinkie. “The muffins will never consort with the cupcakes, Pinkamena! Never!”

A look of hurt crossed Pinkie’s face. “Ditzy, you don’t have to be a meanie meanpants to the cupcakes… They did nothing to you!”

Ditzy scowled. “Yes, they did! They took my husband away from me! My poor, poor husband!” Tears started pooling in her eyes. “He died so round and pudgy!”

Pinkie was hugging Ditzy again in an instant. “Aww, don’t be sad! Remember: Smile, smile, smile!” A large grin was now plastered on her face.

Ditzy swung at Pinkie, who disappeared in an afterimage. “No! You will recall your army now and never return to the queendom ever again!”

Pinkie landed with a frown on her face. “The muffins are making you a meanie meanpants!” Then her face suddenly brightened. “And I just know how to fix this: A party!” Pinkie pulled out a blue cannon seemingly out of nowhere.

“Watch out, my Queen!” Lord Bran shoved Ditzy aside as the cannon fired. The muffin lord was almost immediately struck by the multitudes of confetti, ribbons and assorted party accessories.

“Lord Bran!” Ditzy rushed to his side and cradled the mortally wounded muffin.

“Ah… it looks like my time on this earth is up…” He looked up at Ditzy. “… You will do me well by giving me… a proper burial…” A raspy cough escaped him. “You will have to eat me.”

Tears now fell from the distraught pegasus. “Lord Bran… I will honor your wish…”

Thus, Ditzy did so.

***

“Muffins…” Ditzy said as she drooled onto the table.

Empty muffin wrappers lay in haphazard piles in front of her as she slumbered in Sugarcube Corner and paying no heed to hustle and bustle of the busy bakery and sweet shop. In her mind, the battle for the safety of her realm continued…

Author's Note:

... I just have to do this... Carbon Maestro's epic music is just so inspiring! Anyway, I wrote this in about three or fours hours and I think it's worth it. So, enjoy!

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Comments ( 20 )

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M1Garand8

M1Garand8 #1 · Apr 3rd, 2013 · 1 · ·

For Muffinland!

Biscojae

Biscojae #2 · Apr 3rd, 2013 · 2 · ·

Yay! New story!

star1wars3

star1wars3 #3 · Apr 3rd, 2013 · · ·

A quick, fun read.

M1Garand8

M1Garand8 #4 · Apr 4th, 2013 · · ·

2369309
Glad you like it.

BaitG

BaitG #5 · Apr 4th, 2013 · · ·

As soon as Pinkie came in, I was laughing out loud (or loling, if you prefer )

M1Garand8

M1Garand8 #6 · Apr 4th, 2013 · 1 · ·

2373204
Pinkie Pie, the King of Cupcakes and Zen Yoga.

Doctor Song MD

Doctor Song MD #7 · Apr 5th, 2013 · · ·

I prefer muffins.

rainbowcrasherloops

rainbowcrasherloops #8 · Apr 16th, 2013 · · ·

nice... like an episode of adventure tim.

TrollyDash

TrollyDash #9 · Apr 18th, 2013 · · ·

This is great

kalash93

kalash93 #10 · Apr 19th, 2013 · · ·

This is Kalash93 from WRITE. I will soon read your story and write your review, as requested.

kalash93

kalash93 #11 · Apr 21st, 2013 · 1 · ·

This is your review written by Kalash93, WRITE's sarcastic gunman.

Comedy isn't my forte. However, you said that you were looking for somebody to help you with the plot. So that it what I will do. I assume that you want to keep it a oneshot. Normally, I write the review in two phases, one where I compliment your successes and denote your weaknesses. However, I'm going to forgo that because I have a dual mission to both review and advise on plot.

Initial impressions were meh. I'm honestly struggling to figure out my feelings for this story because I don't know if I have any. A brief description for your story is: insubstantial. Everything's fine about it. It all just needs to be longer. The plot's fine, just make it you know, longer. It needs to be about twenty percent longer.

Your dialogue is short but effective. Everything necessary is communicated.effectively and smoothely. It's simple but functional. It's not bad, it's just that it's not good. You do a good job at telling the story with a high proportion of dialogue, which is something I must congratulate you for. You used a minimum of narration to support it. That might have been a flaw had you not been similarly laconic elsewhere.

None of the characters seem distorted at all. Everyone remains firmly within their canon, or at least fanon person personalities. Your characterization was strongest in your dialogue. However, all your canon characters are very flat. Ditzy is Derpy. With the exception of the amusingly bombastic Pinkie Pie, everyone else is rather boring. Your OC's seem to all be lacking in personality. I couldn't bring myself to care about them. I could not find any meaningful character differences between them. Your ability to characterize is just fine. It's just that you are being almost excessively laconic.

The narrative is much too rushed. While this creates the feeling of reading something rather like an episode of Spongebob Squarepants or Adventure Time, it is the single weakest part of your story.Nothing at all drags, but everything feels extremely rushed. I advise you to go back and spend at least two hundred words to develop and expand each scene. You hardly tell us anything about the setting or environments or what the characters look like. That really does a lot to weaken your story. It reduces immersion. You don't do anything to grab our attention or immerse us into the story. The atmosphere is lacking. Describing settings and environments, as well as using fitting diction can do a lot for that. Put effort and details into describing the environments. Tell us what characters hear. Tell us what they smell. What sort of colors do they see? All these sensory images are very effective for creatiing mood and atmosphere, which will suck your readers right in.

You have a contrived yet bearable plot. Considering that this is a very short comedy piece, I am willing to give you a lot of mercy here. The plot is the weakest point after your rush. Given that this is a random adventure story, it's okay to let it slide. Your plot has an okay concept to it. What it needs, however, is story immersion. There really isn't anything wrong with the plot. You can leave it nearly unchanged. I would like to see more reasoning why muffins and cupcakes can never be together? Why does the battle occur there? Go more into backstory. Explain why these things are happening at this time. Why does Pinkie Pie want to be friends? How is she different from Derpy? That would add appreciable depth to the plot. This world needs to be fleshed out and realized. Do some world building. Reference a great pastry council in 938. Drawing us into the setting, characters, and the world will dramatically improve your plot by giving it a rationale.

In terms of everything else, it's all quite bland. I certainly won't remember much. Nothing stands out as being either good or bad. It's just forgettable and definitely not your best work. Still, it's noticably better than a number of other flash fics that were created in a single fevered burst of inspiration. There is nothing really bad or ugly about it, so it gets a pass. Giving the story more depth,, slwoing down somewhat, and adding more atmosphere and tone would go a long way towards improving it. As a piece of mindless fun, it works.

You earn 5/10 flutteryays.That is a middling score perfectly balanced betweeen good and bad.

M1Garand8

M1Garand8 #12 · Apr 21st, 2013 · · ·

2458738
I was looking into expanding this, so this really helped a lot and thank you for the review!

oop

oop #13 · Apr 23rd, 2013 · · ·

I was going to throw in my two cents, but it looks like Kalash has already done that, and honestly i completely agree with him. Keep writing though, love to see if you've got any more equally amusing ideas.
-CC

Scramblers and Shadows

Scramblers and Shadows #14 · May 28th, 2013 · · ·

This story has been reviewed by: The Equestrian Critics Society

Story title: Muffinland

Author: M1Garand8

Review by: Scramblers and Shadows

There are two ways this could go. If the bulk of the story is only a set up for the punchline, then it needs to be much smaller – though that would make for a rather terrible story overall. If it's meant to stand on its own merits, it should go a little slower, have more detail, and be longer. Muffinland is the sort of story that needs improvement across the board. In all areas it is sufficient, but at no point does it stand out. It is, I think, ultimately worth the reader's time.

Full Review

Final Score: 6.5/10

M1Garand8