I do have to say this chapter was a bit...underwhelming. You do show promise as a writer, invoking all of the proper mechanics of a story well, but this chapter was very rushed. I must protest this course of action and I do hope that the next chapter you do will be more fleshed out. Other than this slight transgression, this was satisfactory.

Rating for this chapter: 3.8/5

I'm kind of hoping Pip ends up getting both Celestia AND Luna. The love would be doubled and so would the awesomeness.

Celestia and her conniving ways.

2017030 I'm just putting the blocks out there. I do plan to do a complete rewrite of the story after my anniversary if enough people enjoy it. Each chapter was supposed to be 5,000 words or more a piece, but I found a lack of feeling late into it without some additives.

2017067 Then perhaps you would do well to inform your readers of such a thing before letting them read the story in the story description. I would have taken that into account when I had done my review of your latest chapter. It surely would have helped me in the decision-making process, not to mention you would get more feedback from other people if this was merely a testbed for ideas. You will find that people are more willing to offer ideas if you state this fact you revealed to me.

Overall, given was is already out there for this story so far, I would give it a 4.2/5. Not too bad, but then again, still lacking in some areas.

Edited*

Stopped reading because of Pip's dialogue. Utterly killed it for me, even after only a few of his lines.

It' ok, but it could be way better with proper work. For example, they never left Celestia's room, and subseauently took each other's virginity in front of her, seeing as how you never said that she left.

And that's the end of a tastefully done story! A nice, clean, simple sex scene like something out of a light Erotica Novel. Not that the romance was lacking of course!

I did have a hard time not smirking when Celestia effortlessly held back an angry Luna with just one arm though.

2017189

A silence filled the thick air between both Luna and Pip; to the point the two did not even notice the door of the room opened and closed to let Celestia leave.

2017176 Tell me why. I am all ears.

2017221

Sure!

So:

"Not a worry for me, Princess Celes'," Pip bowed to the princess, customary or not, "I don' mind a bit ta' see your shinin' face."

What you've done here is given Pipsqueak different accents over the span of a single sentence. 'Not a worry for me,' is the kind of stupid, overwrought thing a cockney would say if they were mugging and playing up their accent (so good so far) but a cockney accent wouldn't drop the 't' from don't, most Sarf Landaners practically spit a word like don't with a powerful plosive, and that emphasises the T. The dropped t would be more of a scouse or even geordie accent, which both sound very different from cockney. The only british accent that would make total sense on this sentence is London Multicultural English, and while the idea of Pipsqueak speaking with a vaguely Jamaican-sounding patois is funny, I don't think it's what you were aiming for.

"I... I don' understan' the firs' thing about bein' a lover..."

That does sound cockney, but I'm not sure you realise how rough and thick you're making this accent. Imagine a really, really strong Kentucky or Texas accent, the sort Jeff Foxworthy does impressions of. Depending on the pitch, it would either be a child's accent or a very undereducated and loutish voice. I mean, if you're going for rakish, lower-class idiot Pipsqueak it would work, I guess. Some people think Danny Dyer is hot, I guess?

...just skimmed the rest of it, not much other Pip dialogue in Ch1. That's basically it. The accent isn't entirely consistent, because keeping a consistent accent by dropping letters is very difficult, and dropping the letters makes the accent far thicker than you intend (I think).

2017385 I made an adjustment. How does it compare?

2017219...that's really embarrassing, especially considering i'm supposed to notice everything in a story. still, my point stands.

2019176 Understandable. But this is just a test flag. I plan to redo the entire story later on.

2019219good.

beutiful story.
2017046
I agree.
Celesta burst in the next day., "I know this may seem wierd, but It seems i am in need of some...help."

2038895

Oh God...I don't know whether to be or

2017067 Please do. I enjoyed this, but there are some things that could've been done better. Like others have mentioned, this chapter was a bit underwhelming, and I also think Pip's accent is a bit over-done. There's a lot of unnecessary apostrophes in there.

Damn Celestia must be strong. Btw nice story.