A man who won't die for something is not fit to live.
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
This is a story of a Marine that lost everything he held dear including his own life, all in one night, and blames himself for it. He will discover the impossible and maybe just maybe be able to fight through all the pain grief and loss and forgive himself for something not under his control
Join Marcus on a Journey of self-forgiveness, loss, regret,and companionship as he carves himself out a new life in a new world
(1st person and has changing perspectives) ( relatively light gore) (Light religious elements)(Alt-Universe because like it or not, things do change when new elements are thrown in.)
This is my first story ever so please point out any Gary Sue references that may happen. If you find any typos please tell me as well, thank you.
Also if anyone wants to create some cover art for the story please tell me.
Thank You to any of those that have served or are currently serving in the military to protect us at home
and may, God Bless America
Please note that I am not in the military nor consider myself to be an expert on the military or psychology nor do I own anything in this story affiliated with My Little Pony: FIM or Hasbro
(sad is for the slightly sad theme to the story) (you probably won't cry, i'm not that good)
(With that in mind any help with military references, tactics or anything else is appreciated thank you
As you said when asking in the notes you were more concerned with the typo and such, this does need some work.
Nothing a little editing cant fix though. I recommend using the spellcheck in whatever word processing program you are using. The one I use (Word 2003) also offers grammar suggestions as well.
Chopping it into paragraphs would help, and a little different punctuation & italics for 'thoughts' like so;
Twilight Sparkle’s POV
As I made my way to the ruins I had to hide from Manticores, Hydra and other animals which slowed me down more than what I would have liked.
But I eventually had the ruins in sight. Next to the ruins was a big broken hollow rock with a black glint to it.
'Usually meteors are not hollow, so why would this one be?', I thought.
I trotted forward than just before I stepped forward I saw some type of trap. I was lucky that I noticed it poking out of the leaves or I would have got caught by it.
'Wait a minute since when did the inhabitants of the forest used traps to catch prey? This is weird! First the hollow meteorite, then somepony or something placing traps!' I thought.
I went further towards the ruins dogging the traps when I was in the clearing about a few feet away from the ruins I smelled a weird scent like something was burning. The smell came from the ruins. I went to the source of the smell and there I saw the corpses of sea snakes.
When I looked up I saw the bipedal (Biped) from my dreams.
“Well I found out three things one that this biped eats meat, two that said bipedal creature is intelligent due to it being able to make a trap to catch prey and three that the meteor and my dream was connected,” I whispered to myself.
I also noticed this was the room where the elements once were before the nightmare moon incident. There were six pedestals for some reason even though they were never there before. "I will have to ask the princesses about this occurrence. Does it have anything to do with the creature’s sudden appearance here?" I continue to ask myself.
I was tired so I found a dark corner so I could stay hidden. I laid down and eventually drifted off to sleep.
thanks i did not see that Bipedal was an adjective and Biped was a noun
This seems like the start of a good story. I will be watching this!
I will try to do my best to make this a good story if you find errors please tell me so they can be fixed (my writing skill level 1/10 twilight smilies
)
with dialogue you should start a new paragraph every time you switch speakers
OK ill try that out sorry i just write a paragraph until the base subject changes (Just my style of writing currently even if i am new at this) but thanks for the tip. at this rate each chapter will look a bit different (LOL the evolution of the chapter) (when you request a change please note that it will be a wile before it touches chapters before it. Thank you)
<--------- cant beat bad ass Twilight Sparkle lol
I have it to where it is in Marcus's POV
when Pinkie Pie talks i will write it together to show how fast she is talking. Be warned
no way any human being is this prepared.
followin'
1995054 He is not prepared he is just resourceful he is a former Marine after all so he can be a bit more collected than most. Also the woods give him lots of things to use for his survival. Yes the woven bed is far fetched but that's only one thing and it dose not seem to break the story.
This is my first so don't expect a masterpiece with this story (Thanks for reading)
Try not to get angry with me at what i am doing with Marcus in the third chapter. He will not be over powered in any way he will just be better suited for the task ahead of him. (If he seems to much like a Gary Sue please tell me and I will try to balance him out. I am just trying to get the story started. Also I may barrow and Idea (mostly parts of an Idea) here or their that are from some stories I have read.
This chapter was ok but you used the 'humanity is evil' cliché which annoys me a little but other than that its fine.
sorry about that I did not intend for it to sound that way
I meant to show that Earth is a place of peace and war,
and that there is war but it doesn't happen because all humans like it it happens because their are a handful of humans that will murder for no other reason than to get their way.
I will edit that part to convoy that message
and not the all humans are evil cliché so there wont be any confusion thanks for bring that to my attention.
1997698 I fixed that problem just now I looked at it and did see how you came to that conclusion ( mostly because i was being a bit too general.)
I dig it
1999103 glad you like it so far. it will be hard making the character not become a Gary Sue
If you like battle/war parts in a story there will be some of those once I show the main antagonist It may get a bit graphic at those parts
Please I laughed when I read cupcakes WOAH!!!
My fic can be a little gory itself.
It was a general anouncment
BTW what chapter are you on
I think ill try to stick with the main character in a war sequence so i don't confuse anyone
other than some grammar i thought this was all pretty decent, except for one part. "I replied, “Do you know them well? Because if you do please tell them I said hi and I would like to meet them.”"
1999325 sorry at failing with grammar it is my personal shortfall when it comes to smaller grammar rules but i hope you enjoy it
Note to everypony I will not be able to release chapters during week days due to school so. but I hope to release at least one chapter a week
But this is not a given defiantly due to how complex the chapters may get when i introduce the antagonist among other things
That 'I thought.' should be OUTSIDE the closing tag.
Dogging= tracking or trailing relentlessly
Dodging= moving to avoid attacks, traps, or obstacles
This chapter is much better now.
Its ok but why did you have to make him an alicorn? The character become gary stu as soon as that happens.
he will only have a small amount of magic power (about three quarters as much as Twilight) that will build slowly and there is no "special element" or instant spell learning and things like that (He may end up using a spell sometimes without really meaning to but that's about it.)
2001774 thank you. I will have some one to help me spot these errors soon
but everypony has helped me a lot
Great story so far I will be checking
for new chapters and stuff
Wont be able to make any more chapters this weekend. :( I have a life that needs tending to (no offence)
I will try to make chapter 4 and post it next weekend
currently working on chapter 4 should have it by the weekend best case scenario.
Hey~ This is the review that I owe you~
Fic Name: Life, Death, and Rebirth
Grammar Score: 5
Pros: I think the concept is very original.
You have Twilight ask some interesting questions like "why do humans fight" etc.
Cons: Grammar and sentence structure needs some work :3
I liked it overall, and I can't wait for you to write more.
thank's and ya i suck at grammar and sentence structure but I do my best
you get a thumbs up for that comment :)
wow that was kinda sad actually.
very good story!!
Finally chapter four is up
At some point and time will shodow reveal his true form to the world, cuz ided love to see the look on the faces when thay see he is a aliecorn.
ya i might he just is trying not to have the whole population bow to him or panic even though "It would be amusing"
In future chapters the reason of some things will become apparent. Also I just thought of an good plot twist.
This has been a quick update by me
A very good story overall, just a few grammar mistakes like run-on sentences and as a personal preference, a tad bit too much repetition- "I sprinted towards the thief and snapped the thief’s neck with little effort, than I picked up the gun and seen the thief was a man" As seen here, you use the word thief three times in one sentence, for me, I would say, "I sprinted towards the thief and snapped his neck with very little effort. I picked up the gun and looked at this man I had killed with my own hands". Hope this helps. I also dearly hope I didn't come across as harsh I'm just trying to help. My own suggestion would also be to hire a proofreader/editor, it really helped me with my story...
2850908 thanks and i will edit that to what you posted it sounded better than what I put also thanks for commenting because the comments section has been a black hole for a while also I need more people to tell me how I can improve
Also if you have an antagonist OC please give me one and give a good description of the antagonist but it would be appreciated
I'm sorry but Marines do not have drill sergeants, they have Drill Instructors. Just a little heads up to prevent any future misunderstandings in that regard
3065412 Thank you I will fix that if you spot any thing else please point it out i will not refuse good help.
3065412 for the help you get a mustach
3065412 Fixed
3162281 glad to be of service my friend
3162290 I am just a kid so i don't know the military, I just thought for what I plan, the marine in Equestria would be best and make the most sense overall and the story was an idea i had one day.
Any help is appreciated, if you see a problem give the chapter and the problem in the comments
If you have an Ideas for the story I have a blog for that and I will consider it.
3162328 I can be a very good wellspring of Military information if you need it, I know more about the different branches than most adults(except for my MI and SMI in ROTC, you can't beat the knowledge of those who know it firsthand.)
Anyway, have some AC/DC in the meantime
My father was a Marine. I am currently going through the long process to join, and let me tell you, it's difficult.
I really like stories like this, it gives good insight on what really happens, although this story does have faults. Over all, 4/5 Trollestias for you sir.
3450140 thanks for reading and commenting on my story also happy to have some one comment after 2 months of no commentators. When I saw that some one commented I was happy and am happy as hell because of it.
if you loves something, hate it, want to shoot me for it, please tell me I am relatively new to story writing.
Also if you have an Idea please PM me or post it on a blog page I have for Ideas
well..it was entertaining, the massive bomb of tia telling him that she was his mother was kinda unexpected
tho her reaction to hearing his name for the first time doesnt really fit ,she should have flinched or something.