Mr. Robert Johansen hates his life. He just wants to go somewhere else. Though I don't think he wanted to go to Equestria where the Mane 6 are falling hand over hoof for him! What will become of him and the Mane 6? Only time will tell.......
*Chapter 1 and 2 has been rewritten to make more enjoyable. Tell me what you think in the comments!*
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Oh, for the love of all that is holy, please let this be a trollfic. I mean, a depressed man winds up in Equestria where everypony is inexplicably falling in love with him? Are you serious?
This is quite possibly the most overdone plot ever.
I actually think that this is kinda funny, I would like to see more.
i hope their will be another chapter this is a good idea you should continue
1972529 You don't read a lot, do you?
Shit bro, sounds like you've got it mad-
Let's just go through this step by step.
First off, and you can argue that I was guilty of it too, but you shouldn't introduce your character the way that you just did. The problem is that many people (and you're no better), use the "Hi, my name is..." approach to introducing their character, and then they just start giving the cliffnotes of what I presume was the story and then decide to call it the story. So your grandpa gave you a mansion. How did he get the mansion? Was he rich too? Did he build it? Explain. And Bionic Leg Inc. sells bionic legs.
How original.
And seriously? Leg Disease of 2015? Was "Super Icky Shrively Leg Syndrome" already taken? And you bring up this horrible and oddly specific disease and just drop it? Not even going to bother telling the reader how this affects the world? Your lack of detail and descriptions are giving me a migraine.
Also, what the hell is with the second paragraph? His "family" died of leukemia? Does that include his uncles, aunts, and cousins too? And so your "family" (who I assume to be parents) contracted this disease, but I can see that Robert didn't even bother to dip into the $90,000,000 salary that he apparently HATES to give them a bone marrow transplant. Fucking asshole. And way to just throw the "dead parents" in there to sadfuck the reader into feeling sorry for him.
brandmanagementllc.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/newsjacking.jpg
It failed miserably.
And no friends? Your character makes a fortune in a day, and he can't find a way to make ANY friends? With all the people that he probably meets on a daily basis, given his vaguely described job and enormous salary, he can't connect to one person? I'm calling bullshit.
Right now, your character sounds like some whiny, impudent brat who spends his days moping about how he doesn't have friends, yet he has plenty of money and plenty of opportunity in his life to do so. And when given the chance to save his family from a disease, he doesn't, instead complaining about all the money that he has that he could have used to save them. All the while, he seems to have a penchant for saying "fucking" a lot, just in his inner monologue, so we can add "immature" to his character traits. Really, there's only one way to describe this guy:
us.123rf.com/400wm/400/400/picsfive/picsfive1006/picsfive100600087/7144104-close-up-of-stack-of-papers-on-white-background.jpg
Oh, let me count the ways...
Alright moving on.
And so, despite being the CEO of a multimillion dollar company, and despite all that I've talked to about this guys choices so far, he somehow manages to find time for an innocent cartoon for kids. Just to clarify, he has plenty of opportunities to make his own friends, but instead spends that time watching My Little Pony (not "Ponies" as you put it). Words cannot describe my hate for your character right now.
Wow, you said "fucking" again. What a cool and mature person your character is, I'm so glad we get to follow him for the rest of this story. And about the whole "no one would notice I was gone" bit. Um, he's the CEO of a million dollar company, with thousands, if not, millions of employees working under him. I think some one would notice. If you're going to argue that it's because of his awful attitude of life that repels people from him, which is why he doesn't have friends, then that's your character's fault. Why should I feel sorry for some asshole who goes around being an asshole to people?
You see, the problem with the character of "rich guy with everything money could buy who's also sad and depressed" is that it's too conflicting. Under proper writing, it could work, but you make this character out to be a massively wealthy individual so the reader thinks he's cool, but make him sad and depressed so we feel sorry for him. Sorry, it doesn't work like that. We know next to nothing about your character. We don't see how not having friends really affects him, or see what he does on a daily basis that would not have him make friends to begin with. If you developed your character, we could possibly sympathize with him. But with the little that you've given us, Robert is, as Brendan Gleeson put it, a cunt.
i1149.photobucket.com/albums/o595/moviemaster8510/FuckYou_zpsd8f0529f.jpg
Glad to see that that bone marrow transplant money was invested towards a good cause. Seriously, don't start trying to make your character cool now. He's still a massive cunt.
Cheap things? The guy with an impossibly large TV and impossibly expensive headphones is going on saying how he bought cheap things.
RJ...
How imaginative and descriptive.
However, to be fair, your character's reaction to being in Equestria is more realistic than how some authors do it (they're totally cool with it). But we're not done yet. When a new character speaks, always break into a new paragraph, otherwise, it becomes impossible for a reader to know who's talking when.
Other than that, it seems like "RJ" as we now shall call him, has just fucked up royally in almost spilling the beans to Applejack's and her friends' origin.
Judging from RJ's situation, I really can't see how his relationship to the Mane 6 is going to go well after this.
RJ: Hi, I'm RJ. I'm from a completely different world where I'm a bipedal primate called a human. Also, I like to watch a television show that features you and your friends as characters, which is why I knew your name.
Applejack and Pinkie Pie: Seems legit.
Final Thoughts: Your pacing is incredibly rushed along with your characterization and descriptions, producing one of the most loathsome fanfic characters in recent memory. I would heavily recommend junking this story and starting over, using other and highly more successful stories as an outline. What makes the reader want to follow the character that we're supposed to be following? If he has emotional issues, expand on them and how do they react with his life? Right now, I can answer these questions.
1. I don't want to follow RJ. He's a prodigal shit who complains about being rich and not having friends when he has opportunity to do so, instead squandering that opportunity to watch a group of fictional characters be friends with each other, vicariously (I assume, you never explain why you like the show) living their friendship through it.
2. You don't. All you've told me in the story is how he doesn't have friends or family and he mopes about it. Right now, all we have to go by are absurd extremes, which sounds like the whining of a angsty teenager than a 34 year old CEO.
And that's my piece. Ciao.
To moviemaster8150: I see your point.... There are no words to describe the amount of screw-ups and mistakes that I made.
However, I plan to fix them to make the character more descriptive and a better plot to the story in this chapter, and the next.
To Gherin8088: I regret to inform you that this indeed is not a trollfic. This is how the story is going to go. I am absolutely dead serious.
1973129
1970865
Please read the comment below.
This story is bad and you should feel bad.
1975529 I am afraid I am going to disregard this message. I like constructive criticism, but if you are just going to tell me how bad it is without evidence, then please do not post any comments.
Awwww hurry up and post the next chap
1975579
The comments alone were enough to ward me off. I'm afraid that if I read this, I'll loose my ability to write. And I'm NOT risking that.
1979591 Mr. Crossover, can I ask you a question? Have you actually read this story yourself, or are you just taking other people's word for it
? If you haven't actually read it, then this conversation is over.
1980360
Ow.
My brain. My poor brain. Ow. Expression of discomfort.
Wow, cardboard cutout character much? 'HUR I AM RICH BUT NO FRIENDS HUR'
How long did you spend creating this character? A minute? Two? A picosecond?
The plot(heh) proceeds too quickly and his arrival to Equestria is, well... underwhelming.
Just like that, he meets Applejack, like, 'here's a pony, enjoy'.
Aaand the fact that Mane Six are just going to swoon and get the hots for him just like that sets my teeth on edge.
ROMANCE MOTHERBUCKER, LEARN TO WRITE SOME
Here's something you may find to be of use.
I am writing a romance story myself, and I have put in a lot of effort in weaving a believable relationship in it. Took me eleven chapters just to ship the two lovebirds together.
Anyways, getting off topic. I'll simply say you need improvement. IN SPADES.
Lurk more.
1980758 See? Was that so hard
? I don't think it is, but a little less drama is always better. Now, the story is just starting to develop, so of course it will take a while to get good. However, most stories are like this. For example, The White Tiger. The first few chapters were crap, but after a while, it got quite interesting
. Now, I'm not saying that I am trying to make the first few chapters crap on purpose, but that is just how most stories are to most people
. Thank you for actually giving me some constructive criticism. I appreciate it a lot.
1980818
I was also inadvertently trying to troll you, but you remained infuriatingly stoic.
Love and toleration. Learn it, live it, love it.
1980824 Read comment below this one. My bad!
1980834
Above. ABOVE.
great story hope the next chapter comes soon
>Sees story about OC
>Doesn't see an OC character tag
Wow.
Respect.
I probably would've taken the fic down if I received that much crap about it.
You'll get better, don't worry. Your resilience is commendable. I haven't read the fic and probably will not, but I shall not touch the ratings.
You gotta go through a few bad ones to get to a good one. Until then, keep calm and pony one.
-IrOnPUdDiNg
1997436 FIXING RIGHT NOW!!!
1997493 Thank you, sir. I appreciate the props
. Carry on, good sir. Carry on.
Thanks for the new chapter, others may not like this story, but I do.
please, continue writing.
2001626 You, sir, have stuck with me since the very beginning, and for that, I salute you. Thanks for enduring through the crap with me. I appreciate it. Really, I do. I have been seriously been considering scrapping this story.... Let's go one more chapter, huh? Let's see how it turns out.
Woohoo! New chapter!
LOVE IT, for the love of Celestia, please continue this story!
please
Oh shit!!!!!
WHY DO YOU KEEP LEAVING US IN SUSPENSE!!!!!!
2015485 i know right
So. Much. Bucking. Suspense.
I didn't like that there was only 9 thumbs up so I went ahead and made it an even ten. I dont think I'll read your story because I dont want to change my view of you, a new author who still has a ways to go for improvement that just gets absolutely thrashed by shitty reviews. Just focus on improving your writing style, grammar, and spend a bit more time thinking of a plot that you might be remembered for! Good luck!
ALSO:
1973129 I agree just from your description of the story that it sounds bad, but when I saw then NNOOOO compilation I felt obligated for no reason to post a counter to your NNNNOOOOO with a bunch of YES! (Mostly from WWE for some reason)
2020001 Thanks. Appreciate it!
Hm? A rich brony in Equestria story? Never seen that before. Alright, let's take a look. *ignorning lengthy reviews in comments for now* Be right back.
lolno
2020001 Or you could have just used the "Yes" video as a means of agreeing with me.
2020392 Well, well, well. Welcome back!
2020392 Hey, I've been wondering, considering you were the first to actually say anything about the story, critic-wise, do you think it has gotten any better?
2020427 In fact, I was going to review the rest of the story chapter by chapter. I was well into the second chapter yesterday, but I accidentally refreshed my screen, so I lost it. However, I will redo it because I'm such a swell guy.
(Be warned, though. My reviewing style will be identical to the first chapter.)
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw3912-d14.jpg
Seriously though. Like, you even ALLUDE to him being a blackhole of relationships. EVERYONE LURVES HIM SUDDENLY.
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw1191_luna.png
2020448 I don't get it....
2020447 I'm all up for the constructive criticism. It's my thing.
NAPPA: "Vegeta, What does the scouter say about this stories LOL level?!?"
VEGETA: "It's over 9000!!!"
2020678 NAPPA: What?! 9000?! That's impossible!
VEGETA: *smiles* Not for this story...
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...I don't even know where to begin... The main character is very unlikable, the story screams "self insert", Gary Stu and "Wish fulfillment" so much that it hurts my ears and the canon characters... Oh, the characters... the OOC hits my mind like a sledge hammer. But to be fair, I have seen alot worse examples of OOC canon characters and Gary Stu MCs than this though. Living The Dream... *shudder*
Anyway, let's talk a little about our "hero" Robbie, eh? Like I said, he is obnoxiously unlikable and a perfect example of wish fulfillment and a self-insert - not to mention incredibly whiny. In fact, the only protagonists in MLP:FiM fiction I have ever hated more is Lance Greenfield from LTD and Flare from *insert name of whatever the hell that piece of filth fic is called here*. Alright, so his entire family died of leukemia, we're supposed to sympathize with him; pity that's the only thing we have to go on. If I was a Multi-millionaire the last thing I would do would be bitching about it and a pissing show for little girls would not be the only thing keeping me happy. It would actually be really low on the list.
And people say they want to be him when they also say he's no fun to be around? Hello? Are they deliberately contradicting themselves or do they want to live like a total recluse? Who's also a sodding whiner?
I'm actually afraid to make a story about my own rich OC now (only that humanized Mane six comes to earth and not vice versa). I honestly don't think it's a good idea anymore...
Anyway, take moviemaster8510's advice about junking this into consideration. If not, at least heavily edit it to make it somewhat enjoyable.
2020697 Well, um... How much did you read? It doesn't sound like you read the whole thing...
I'll tell you how we function, WITH FRIENDSHIP MOTHERBUCKER!