• Member Since 28th Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen Apr 2nd, 2018

applejack2357


T

Rainbow's friends have vanished. Where did they go? Who took them? The answers to these questions... might surprise you.

Based on a dream

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 29 )

An unexpected surprised

To be nit-picky, it's only a surprise if it's unexpected. It is redundant, but I think it was Andy Warhol who said "Repetition is Beauty." Also, just "A Surprise" would be a terrible title. I think we get the point.

The answers to these questions... might surprise you

Ah, I see we're not promising anything concrete right off the bat. I don't know what prior knowledge I'd need to not be surprise, but I guess I'd better crack this bad boy open and find out.

The start

Oh good, just where I wanted to start.

It started like any other day in Ponyville; Rainbow Dash was clearing the clouds for another beautiful day.

Yes, lull us into a false sense of security.

She was anxious to get done, for this was the two-year anniversary of their friendship.

The problem here is not the fact that we have no idea who she is sharing her friendship with (the weather, the clouds, herself, we don't know), but the fact that "done" indicates a chemical reaction has taken place as opposed to "finish" which implies the end of an activity. Yes, changing that will boost understanding, not that first thing I mentioned. Realleh.

ahead by an hour,

Thank God she hurried. This would not be interesting if events passed by in rapid succession with no natural breaks from action or dialogue, just like hurrying would not be hurrying with a sense of urgency. Urgency and pacing are just... words and such.

What she saw she couldn’t believe.

Build-up? Naw, this totally encompasses her feeling of disbelief and sets the reader up for the following revelation all by itself.

She was still in the park

THE REVELATION THAT RAINBOW DASH CAN WARP. I mean, I'm lead to understand she went to Sweet Apple Acres, so warping is the only logical explanation. PLUS, she "was still" there, which means she jumped through the time stream to an earlier point sometime during her nap as well. Consider me unexpectedly surprised.

“Is Applejack here?” Rainbow asked.

“Nope” Big Mac said.

Well... can you see where the plot is going?

"Nope"

Are... are you going to use punctuation?

"Nope"

With dialogue this riveting, who needs storytelling?

“Last I saw, they were heading towards Town Hall. Does that help?”

“Yes. Actually, that does help.” Rainbow Dash flew over to Town Hall.

Dangit Rainbow Dash, you gotta tell the dude "thank you" first, even if it's only implied dialogue. It's just nice to hear... you know? To know someone is thankful you exist... or yeah... you know...

Vinyl was playing her- dub step, as she called it- and it was too loud for anyone to hear anything; especially her knocking on the door. So she kicked it open and saw Octavia trying to play some music on her cello, but couldn’t concentrate because of the dub step. Vinyl Scratch, seeing Rainbow kick in the door, turned off the dub step.

In case you missed it, Vinyl is playing dub step.

“And I was knocking for, like, five minutes.”

Rainbow Dash, are you exaggerating? I read the transcript of what happened, but I missed the part where you were knocking for a long time before busting down the door. Knocking wasn't near as important as the fact that Vinyl was playing dub-step.

Rainbow and Vinyl have been friends since they were fillies, but when Octavia moved in, she didn’t come around as often, but considering they both loved music, Vinyl let her stay, which was a complete mystery to Rainbow, how two opposite types of music can live under one roof.

Look at this whopper of a run-on! I'm glad we've established... whatever we established. It had nothing to do with dub-step, so I can only assume it's unimportant.

she started going door-to-door, pony-to-pony, trying to find anything she could.

Oh-ho, I'm sorry! What exactly was she doing beforehand?

She immediately flew to the park.

This jarringly sudden transition brought to you by Rainbow Dash's ability to warp.

Excited, she looked over there.

Over there? More to the left. Oh.

Rainbow flew over to Angel and nabbed him up.

“Please tell me you know where Fluttershy is.”

Or the plot. Do you have any idea where it is going?

Angel, being unable to speak, simply shook his head.

Louder.

Before she knocked on the door, she was hit over the head and was knocked out.

Well... that was unexpected and I was surprised that something important was suddenly happening. I give this story's title an A+.

A hooded figure stands over her with a wicked smile.

Conflict and plot? Now, why are you two out this late at night? Your mothers are probably worried sick! Now run home boys.

And that was your first chapter.

I'm not sure what I expected, but only because you totally set me up to be completely surprised by something that I couldn't see coming. Let me tell you something, I didn't see any of this coming.

Alright, let's get serious here.

Let's sum up what's wrong in one sentence:
This story goes nowhere fast.

To elaborate, there is a lot that actually happens and a lot of information tossed around, but none of it is important. We establish an assumed problem (Friends Are Missing) and the way to solve this problem (Find Them) right off the bat. You take the reader on a trip through Ponyville that bears no fruit at all. Maybe there were hidden plot points in there, but you didn't elude to them in any way that made them seem significant. All we learn is that her friends are nowhere in Ponyville, but I don't think you needed to take literally the whole chapter to explain that. Other questions you throw out for us: Where could they be? What might they be doing? What is Rainbow Dash thinking? Is anypony else looking for them? At the end you finally reveal what her friends fates are (Allegedly Kidnapped by Hood), which belittles the exposition a little. At no point was I convinced that her friends might be in town, so it wasn't terribly shocking when some stranger bopped RD on the head.

On top of that, there were a handful of other places that would have been better for that big reveal. She was alone in the dark Town Hall where Spike's hint and RD's own thoughts lead the reader to believe her friends might actually be there, so why not have the ambush there? You could, in fact, move everything with Spike more towards the end. That way, the build-up from searching the town doesn't suddenly drop off when we keep hitting dead ends. Then again, I'm not here to write your story for you. It's your plot.

Let's talk a little about information. We learn a lot of things while we read this. We learn Big Macintosh doesn't know where RD's friends are. We learn Mrs. Cake doesn't know where RD's friends are. We learn that Vinyl and Octavia don't know where RD's friends are. We learn Vinyl and Rainbow Dash used to be close. We learn that they stopped being close when Octavia came into the picture. We learn Vinyl and Octavia are quirky housemates with vastly different tastes in music. We learn that nopony in town knows where RD's friends are. We learn that Rainbow Dash owns a headlamp she uses when it gets dark. We learn that Angel the bunny is indeed a bunny. We learn he doesn't know where Rainbow Dash's friends are. Last, and nowhere near least, we learn that Rainbow Dash gets conked on the head by somepony we don't know yet. We learn that he is evil, or at least we are lead to believe that based off that final line.

That is a lot of stuff, but how much of it is relevant? When you go on a hike, you don't pick up every stone on the side of the road; you just pick up the interesting ones. Perhaps you think I went a bit overboard, but consider this: how much of that information will be brought up later? Will we be rewarded if we picked up on those things and remembered them? Do they fit into some puzzle?

Knowing that RD's friends are nowhere in town is important, but it's thrown at us so many times and so many different ways. There wasn't much point in stopping by Big Macintosh and Mrs. Cake since they offered up the same information. That information can be presented without being burdensome, but having the scene shift and having dialogue about it is putting more weight on it than is necessary.

To close this out, I should talk a bit about scene shifting. There is a lot of it going on, and it is all happening very quickly. A thousand words isn't much for getting run across Ponyville a few times. Hit the brakes, you'll get where you're going whether you run or you walk. The readers will be able to determine what's important and what's just transitional based on how quickly it's handled. If we just get a short paragraph outlining how RD's goes about town without figuring out a thing and then we go to Spike, the reader will latch on to the significance.

But, this doesn't need to end on a bad note.

This has its moments and it has concepts that are original. 2-year-anniversary of their friendship was a good device to have the six of them gather exclusively. It was interesting to see Spike mistake RD for Twilight; it gave us a sense of his plight and adds to the actual urgency of the situation. I could see RD and Vinyl getting along in the past, but then Octavia coming along and changing things. I do want to know who this hooded pony is and what he's done with everypony.

So, see this through to the bitter end. Will it be a masterpiece? Not in the grand scheme of the universe. Will it be horrible? Only if you make it that way. I've given you this first impression for your own good. Learn from it or leave it, just remember that it only takes a first impression to get someone to decide if they're going to keep reading or not. By that logic, a story will never disappoint if your first impression is your worst impression.

Here's to a good job and a continued desire to excel.

2001121 First off, I gotta say you are absolutely hilarious. I had trouble not laughing at your comment. Now, down to business. The reason it is 1000 words is because there has to be AT LEAST that many to post out the story to begin with, and this is based off a dream... However, I had to make up that beginning on a dime, considering it wasn't there at all, and I think I did pretty well, if I do say so myself. About Rainbow Dash warping through time and space... That was a mistype. Completely my fault. Thanks for the constructive criticism and I hope to hear from you soon!

2001527 and 2001121 i agree with all the errors in the writing but overall great story i cant wait for the next chapter :twilightsmile:

2002817 Cool story bro.:trollestia: Literally.:facehoof:

A dark reconnection

Reconnection? There's a... a word... I guess.

Rainbow Dash awakes with a gasp. She immediately jumps up and starts flying, looking franticly around the room.

Not so fast there Rainbow Dash! You just woke up from being knocked out! Calm down a bit. By the way, are we in a room?

She is in a dark room.

Great.

she sees some sort of device. The device was large

It was large? What happened to it? Did you forget to wash it in hot water? Also, what the heck is it?

the pony was bound and blindfolded and wearing a solid black suit

I didn't know this was a suit and tie and extra conjunction affair.

Slightly blushing, she looked at the pony’s flank.

Yeah, only in Equestria can you recognize somepony by his or her butt.

who was starting to become very emotional at the state her friend was in.

EMOTION.

Rainbow started filling with rage

Did she ever finish?

she wanted to know who did this, and she wanted to know now

Or at least before she finished filling with rage.

She gasped

Alotta this goin' on today.

She took off all their blindfolds, and they all started talking at once.

Yeah, all at the same time apparently.

“Hey, it’s Rainbow!”

“We’re gonna be ok!”

“Oh, thank goodness!”

“Please hurry! These chairs are so uncomfortable!”

Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rarity in that order.

“Don’t you touch them!” A gruff voice said. She looked around and didn’t see anyone.

Oh... okay then.

You see those devices they are hooked up to?

Yeah, still no idea what these devices are.

With one push of a button, they will be dead.

They are going to be dead? Oh my! That makes me be surprised!

“Who are you? Show yourself!” Rainbow shouted.

“Oh, you don’t know?

W-why? Why would anyone know? You knock people out with a baseball bat then throw them into a dark room. How could we know?

dull of color.

Ehm... *cough*... I get what you're saying... but... I know there is a better way to say this.

wearing an eye patch, a small trail of blood coming out from under it.

Oh gosh! You'd better get that checked out! That's not supposed to happen... at all!

“Y- You’re… me?!” Rainbow said.

Doppelganger! Time Travel! Alternate Reality! Evil Twin! Stop me when I'm right!

The pony chuckled and smiled.

Yeah, that's pretty much where the first chapter let off too. Rainbow Dash does all the gasping, and Hooded Dash does all the... the smiling.

Well, we found Rainbow Dash's friends! That happened, for sure. I can't say I know what comes next... at all... but it's going somewhere. I can't deny that the stage is set for something very complicated to take place.

Down to business.

There is a lot of description in this chapter. This chapter is mostly description. It's a short chapter, but it describes a lot.

I mean, for such a short chapter it's got a lot of description.

Description is tricky, but there are only two ways to do it: through showing and through telling. Allow me these examples:

She took a look at the boulder. It was angular and hard. It's surface was rough. It was bigger than her and appeared very heavy. She lifted it onto her back with a lot of difficulty. Having it on her back hurt.

Versus

She took a look at the boulder before heaving its great mass onto her back. The hard edges and coarse surface cut into her skin, making her already difficult task painful to boot.

These examples are Telling and Showing respectively. Telling uses 6 sentences and 42 words. Showing uses 2 sentences and 33 words. I think you'll agree that both sentences convey the same information. Not only is showing more concise, but it's a lot smoother and easier to read. Having brief sentence after brief sentence can be agonizing for the reader and rarely paints a good picture. While telling is absolutely necessary at some points, it shouldn't be your only mode.

This chapter tells us a lot, but we aren't shown much. You tell us about the devices (The description is a bit confusing, actually. It's an electric chair... or something?). You tell us about how Rainbow Dash is feeling. You tell us what our mysterious antagonist looks like. We aren't shown all that much.

It's important to remember that you have characters in the setting and experiencing the situation at hand. Their reactions, actions, and state of beings should be used to add to the reader's experience. Just having a character see something isn't very strong. If bright lights come on, they wince. If they hear a disembodied voice, they shudder. If they're filled with rage, they stomp around and shout.

All in all, I think it would be a good idea to do some more showing and less telling. Try to avoid using words like is/was/are, looks, sees/saw, or started/began. Try avoiding questions that aren't in dialogue. Let a character wonder, ponder, or question instead of writing it like a question to the audience. Also, make note of what tense you're in. If you're writing in this story in present tense, write it in present tense. If you're writing this story in past tense, write it in past tense. See if you can't make the next one a little longer.

It's not a bad chapter.

The twist at the end was unexpected, for sure. I don't know where you're going with it or how you're going to explain it, but I'll let that be your next challenge . I can tell this is going to be dark, so make it feel dark. Try and wring every ounce of despair out of the characters. Close all the escape routes. Point only to dark place. Get them in more trouble.

All in all, keep it up. If you're putting an honest effort into it, I guarantee it'll turn out alright. The story is interesting, and honestly that is half the battle.

Holy crap! Well written, I would just have made the beginning plot thicken a little more, earlier in the chapters. Bravo! :raritystarry::pinkiehappy:

2158173 Thank you! I love getting feedback. You happen to be the first in a while...

OH FUCK POOR RAINBOW

You douchebag ending it right when the action is about to begin! You want me to go crazy:pinkiecrazy:? JK Damn Cliffhangers always giving me blue balls. WTF:twilightblush:

2159956 3 comments, bro? Really?:facehoof: Oh well.

2160146 Sorry. I'm all about the cliffhangers. I hope you liked it, though.:twilightsmile:

Oh course I enjoyed it! Would I be raging if i didn't? Lol

2162714 Hmm...:yay:

I like you. You crazy.:twilightsmile:

lol:eeyup:

2271487 Thanks. Glad you liked it. What are your thoughts on it?

2271687 Thanks. That really means alot.:twilightsmile:

Really confusing ending... I liked it.
(Going through my read later list now that I have time)
(Story 1/6283629)

2489158 Wow... Didn't realize it was my story you were reading... Glad you liked it, though!:twilightsmile:

(DAMN!!! And I thought I was behind on my reading...)

2489166
I would read all your stories but... Read later list is full... So is my update list... Need to read!

Ooooooh, dat ending.
That's what I call a good ending for a fic like this. Despite some grammar errors, story was pretty enjoyable. The plot was original and interesting, character development... hmm, good, but I felt the a bit out of their own attitude.

Anyways, leaving aside the whole criticism thing, I really liked this fic, hope you write more like this :twilightsmile:

Oh! I almost forgot. Here, have a moustache :moustache:

3336247 Ohh, dat moustache...:moustache:

Thank you, by the way.:twilightsmile:

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4281345

Sorry, your fic gave me a grand mal seizure.

4281394 Well, could you tell me what's wrong, so I could fix it?

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