Rainbow's friends have vanished. Where did they go? Who took them? The answers to these questions... might surprise you.
Based on a dream
Page generated in 0.295 seconds
Total duration
1,030 users online
1,393,417 hits today, 1,835,564 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
To be nit-picky, it's only a surprise if it's unexpected. It is redundant, but I think it was Andy Warhol who said "Repetition is Beauty." Also, just "A Surprise" would be a terrible title. I think we get the point.
Ah, I see we're not promising anything concrete right off the bat. I don't know what prior knowledge I'd need to not be surprise, but I guess I'd better crack this bad boy open and find out.
Oh good, just where I wanted to start.
Yes, lull us into a false sense of security.
The problem here is not the fact that we have no idea who she is sharing her friendship with (the weather, the clouds, herself, we don't know), but the fact that "done" indicates a chemical reaction has taken place as opposed to "finish" which implies the end of an activity. Yes, changing that will boost understanding, not that first thing I mentioned. Realleh.
Thank God she hurried. This would not be interesting if events passed by in rapid succession with no natural breaks from action or dialogue, just like hurrying would not be hurrying with a sense of urgency. Urgency and pacing are just... words and such.
Build-up? Naw, this totally encompasses her feeling of disbelief and sets the reader up for the following revelation all by itself.
THE REVELATION THAT RAINBOW DASH CAN WARP. I mean, I'm lead to understand she went to Sweet Apple Acres, so warping is the only logical explanation. PLUS, she "was still" there, which means she jumped through the time stream to an earlier point sometime during her nap as well. Consider me unexpectedly surprised.
Well... can you see where the plot is going?
Are... are you going to use punctuation?
With dialogue this riveting, who needs storytelling?
Dangit Rainbow Dash, you gotta tell the dude "thank you" first, even if it's only implied dialogue. It's just nice to hear... you know? To know someone is thankful you exist... or yeah... you know...
In case you missed it, Vinyl is playing dub step.
Rainbow Dash, are you exaggerating? I read the transcript of what happened, but I missed the part where you were knocking for a long time before busting down the door. Knocking wasn't near as important as the fact that Vinyl was playing dub-step.
Look at this whopper of a run-on! I'm glad we've established... whatever we established. It had nothing to do with dub-step, so I can only assume it's unimportant.
Oh-ho, I'm sorry! What exactly was she doing beforehand?
This jarringly sudden transition brought to you by Rainbow Dash's ability to warp.
Over there? More to the left. Oh.
Or the plot. Do you have any idea where it is going?
Louder.
Well... that was unexpected and I was surprised that something important was suddenly happening. I give this story's title an A+.
Conflict and plot? Now, why are you two out this late at night? Your mothers are probably worried sick! Now run home boys.
And that was your first chapter.
I'm not sure what I expected, but only because you totally set me up to be completely surprised by something that I couldn't see coming. Let me tell you something, I didn't see any of this coming.
Alright, let's get serious here.
Let's sum up what's wrong in one sentence:
This story goes nowhere fast.
To elaborate, there is a lot that actually happens and a lot of information tossed around, but none of it is important. We establish an assumed problem (Friends Are Missing) and the way to solve this problem (Find Them) right off the bat. You take the reader on a trip through Ponyville that bears no fruit at all. Maybe there were hidden plot points in there, but you didn't elude to them in any way that made them seem significant. All we learn is that her friends are nowhere in Ponyville, but I don't think you needed to take literally the whole chapter to explain that. Other questions you throw out for us: Where could they be? What might they be doing? What is Rainbow Dash thinking? Is anypony else looking for them? At the end you finally reveal what her friends fates are (Allegedly Kidnapped by Hood), which belittles the exposition a little. At no point was I convinced that her friends might be in town, so it wasn't terribly shocking when some stranger bopped RD on the head.
On top of that, there were a handful of other places that would have been better for that big reveal. She was alone in the dark Town Hall where Spike's hint and RD's own thoughts lead the reader to believe her friends might actually be there, so why not have the ambush there? You could, in fact, move everything with Spike more towards the end. That way, the build-up from searching the town doesn't suddenly drop off when we keep hitting dead ends. Then again, I'm not here to write your story for you. It's your plot.
Let's talk a little about information. We learn a lot of things while we read this. We learn Big Macintosh doesn't know where RD's friends are. We learn Mrs. Cake doesn't know where RD's friends are. We learn that Vinyl and Octavia don't know where RD's friends are. We learn Vinyl and Rainbow Dash used to be close. We learn that they stopped being close when Octavia came into the picture. We learn Vinyl and Octavia are quirky housemates with vastly different tastes in music. We learn that nopony in town knows where RD's friends are. We learn that Rainbow Dash owns a headlamp she uses when it gets dark. We learn that Angel the bunny is indeed a bunny. We learn he doesn't know where Rainbow Dash's friends are. Last, and nowhere near least, we learn that Rainbow Dash gets conked on the head by somepony we don't know yet. We learn that he is evil, or at least we are lead to believe that based off that final line.
That is a lot of stuff, but how much of it is relevant? When you go on a hike, you don't pick up every stone on the side of the road; you just pick up the interesting ones. Perhaps you think I went a bit overboard, but consider this: how much of that information will be brought up later? Will we be rewarded if we picked up on those things and remembered them? Do they fit into some puzzle?
Knowing that RD's friends are nowhere in town is important, but it's thrown at us so many times and so many different ways. There wasn't much point in stopping by Big Macintosh and Mrs. Cake since they offered up the same information. That information can be presented without being burdensome, but having the scene shift and having dialogue about it is putting more weight on it than is necessary.
To close this out, I should talk a bit about scene shifting. There is a lot of it going on, and it is all happening very quickly. A thousand words isn't much for getting run across Ponyville a few times. Hit the brakes, you'll get where you're going whether you run or you walk. The readers will be able to determine what's important and what's just transitional based on how quickly it's handled. If we just get a short paragraph outlining how RD's goes about town without figuring out a thing and then we go to Spike, the reader will latch on to the significance.
But, this doesn't need to end on a bad note.
This has its moments and it has concepts that are original. 2-year-anniversary of their friendship was a good device to have the six of them gather exclusively. It was interesting to see Spike mistake RD for Twilight; it gave us a sense of his plight and adds to the actual urgency of the situation. I could see RD and Vinyl getting along in the past, but then Octavia coming along and changing things. I do want to know who this hooded pony is and what he's done with everypony.
So, see this through to the bitter end. Will it be a masterpiece? Not in the grand scheme of the universe. Will it be horrible? Only if you make it that way. I've given you this first impression for your own good. Learn from it or leave it, just remember that it only takes a first impression to get someone to decide if they're going to keep reading or not. By that logic, a story will never disappoint if your first impression is your worst impression.
Here's to a good job and a continued desire to excel.
2001121 First off, I gotta say you are absolutely hilarious. I had trouble not laughing at your comment. Now, down to business. The reason it is 1000 words is because there has to be AT LEAST that many to post out the story to begin with, and this is based off a dream... However, I had to make up that beginning on a dime, considering it wasn't there at all, and I think I did pretty well, if I do say so myself. About Rainbow Dash warping through time and space... That was a mistype. Completely my fault. Thanks for the constructive criticism and I hope to hear from you soon!
2001527 and 2001121 i agree with all the errors in the writing but overall great story i cant wait for the next chapter
2002817 Cool story bro. Literally.
Reconnection? There's a... a word... I guess.
Not so fast there Rainbow Dash! You just woke up from being knocked out! Calm down a bit. By the way, are we in a room?
Great.
It was large? What happened to it? Did you forget to wash it in hot water? Also, what the heck is it?
I didn't know this was a suit and tie and extra conjunction affair.
Yeah, only in Equestria can you recognize somepony by his or her butt.
EMOTION.
Did she ever finish?
Or at least before she finished filling with rage.
Alotta this goin' on today.
Yeah, all at the same time apparently.
Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rarity in that order.
Oh... okay then.
Yeah, still no idea what these devices are.
They are going to be dead? Oh my! That makes me be surprised!
W-why? Why would anyone know? You knock people out with a baseball bat then throw them into a dark room. How could we know?
Ehm... *cough*... I get what you're saying... but... I know there is a better way to say this.
Oh gosh! You'd better get that checked out! That's not supposed to happen... at all!
Doppelganger! Time Travel! Alternate Reality! Evil Twin! Stop me when I'm right!
Yeah, that's pretty much where the first chapter let off too. Rainbow Dash does all the gasping, and Hooded Dash does all the... the smiling.
Well, we found Rainbow Dash's friends! That happened, for sure. I can't say I know what comes next... at all... but it's going somewhere. I can't deny that the stage is set for something very complicated to take place.
Down to business.
There is a lot of description in this chapter. This chapter is mostly description. It's a short chapter, but it describes a lot.
I mean, for such a short chapter it's got a lot of description.
Description is tricky, but there are only two ways to do it: through showing and through telling. Allow me these examples:
Versus
These examples are Telling and Showing respectively. Telling uses 6 sentences and 42 words. Showing uses 2 sentences and 33 words. I think you'll agree that both sentences convey the same information. Not only is showing more concise, but it's a lot smoother and easier to read. Having brief sentence after brief sentence can be agonizing for the reader and rarely paints a good picture. While telling is absolutely necessary at some points, it shouldn't be your only mode.
This chapter tells us a lot, but we aren't shown much. You tell us about the devices (The description is a bit confusing, actually. It's an electric chair... or something?). You tell us about how Rainbow Dash is feeling. You tell us what our mysterious antagonist looks like. We aren't shown all that much.
It's important to remember that you have characters in the setting and experiencing the situation at hand. Their reactions, actions, and state of beings should be used to add to the reader's experience. Just having a character see something isn't very strong. If bright lights come on, they wince. If they hear a disembodied voice, they shudder. If they're filled with rage, they stomp around and shout.
All in all, I think it would be a good idea to do some more showing and less telling. Try to avoid using words like is/was/are, looks, sees/saw, or started/began. Try avoiding questions that aren't in dialogue. Let a character wonder, ponder, or question instead of writing it like a question to the audience. Also, make note of what tense you're in. If you're writing in this story in present tense, write it in present tense. If you're writing this story in past tense, write it in past tense. See if you can't make the next one a little longer.
It's not a bad chapter.
The twist at the end was unexpected, for sure. I don't know where you're going with it or how you're going to explain it, but I'll let that be your next challenge . I can tell this is going to be dark, so make it feel dark. Try and wring every ounce of despair out of the characters. Close all the escape routes. Point only to dark place. Get them in more trouble.
All in all, keep it up. If you're putting an honest effort into it, I guarantee it'll turn out alright. The story is interesting, and honestly that is half the battle.
Holy crap! Well written, I would just have made the beginning plot thicken a little more, earlier in the chapters. Bravo!
2158173 Thank you! I love getting feedback. You happen to be the first in a while...
-_-
not bad
OH FUCK POOR RAINBOW
You douchebag ending it right when the action is about to begin! You want me to go crazy? JK Damn Cliffhangers always giving me blue balls. WTF
2159956 3 comments, bro? Really? Oh well.
2160146 Sorry. I'm all about the cliffhangers. I hope you liked it, though.
Oh course I enjoyed it! Would I be raging if i didn't? Lol
2162714 Hmm...
I like you. You crazy.
lol
Lol
2271487 Thanks. Glad you liked it. What are your thoughts on it?
2271687 Thanks. That really means alot.
Really confusing ending... I liked it.
(Going through my read later list now that I have time)
(Story 1/6283629)
2489158 Wow... Didn't realize it was my story you were reading... Glad you liked it, though!
(DAMN!!! And I thought I was behind on my reading...)
2489166
I would read all your stories but... Read later list is full... So is my update list... Need to read!
Ooooooh, dat ending.
That's what I call a good ending for a fic like this. Despite some grammar errors, story was pretty enjoyable. The plot was original and interesting, character development... hmm, good, but I felt the a bit out of their own attitude.
Anyways, leaving aside the whole criticism thing, I really liked this fic, hope you write more like this
Oh! I almost forgot. Here, have a moustache
3336247 Ohh, dat moustache...
Thank you, by the way.
AAAAAAAAAAUYGFWVRGHEUAIOPISGDUY BHJAEIUYIUGRYBJFSDKOGIHO UASHIDPUF(OYSUHIJOIEUTIHJ DKSOIHFJSDKJOI UHDSJFKOIPSUH JKDSOIUH *U)W REH*(Y&EGQURHW*AY GFSUBHJ WRR*((((((FKJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJIDWEFIJUHSDGYHJ IIASD AIU ASUIUI AID UASUIDUAUDUSUDUASDU ASJHFG KLDSOI HUASDOITP( IOEJKYRHDFJIUGS IOEISO JHUEUSRIDFJOGDH VYWUAIURSOFDHGFJtry
4281334 Umm... okay...?
4281345
Sorry, your fic gave me a grand mal seizure.
4281394 Well, could you tell me what's wrong, so I could fix it?