Just as I thought it was over, I closed my eyes. My mind was racing. I didn’t know what she was going to do or say. After a minute of silence, I opened my eyes slowly. Pinkie Pie was right next to me, while Applejack was behind her, looking at Pinkie. Pinkie was just standing there, head slightly cocked to the left, staring at me, wide-eyed. After an awkward silence that just seemed to drag on for hours, Pinkie piped up.
“Hi!”
I jumped slightly. Her unexpected ‘hi’ scared the living daylights out of me.
“I’m sorry, did I scare you?”
I cleared my throat and spoke. “No, no. I’m okay.”
“Your name is Arjay, right?” She spoke with a very calm tone. It scares me just thinking about it.
“Uh, yes. And you are Pinkie Pie.”
“Where you from, Arjay?”
I wasn’t sure how to respond to this question. After a moment, I said, “I’m not from here, that’s for sure.”
I was very confused. Pinkie never acts like this. Never have I seen her calm, nor have I seen her where there wasn’t a moment where she wasn’t bouncing off the walls. I could tell by the look on Applejack’s face that she felt the same way.
“Okey dokey lokey!” She said in a hyper way. She began bouncing away, leaving me and Applejack to watch, confused, as she left.
“What in the hay just happened?” Applejack said as we watched her bounce over the hill and disappear.
“I wish I knew. I am just as confused as you are.” I said, then realizing I was alone with Applejack again, quickly added, “I’m gonna go, I’ll see you later,” then dashed up the hill in the direction Pinkie left. A couple feet up the hill, I fell on my face, considering I wasn’t used to the four legs. Looking back at Applejack, I could see Applejack rolling around on the ground, laughing her ass off. I stood up and dusted my self off, then grumbled to myself as I ran off again.
As I stumbled over the hill going from Sweet Apple Acres, I saw the late Ponyville in the distance. With the sun at my back, Ponyville looked like a small village in the distance, with tannish walls and brown roofs. However, as I got closer, I found that the roofs were, in fact, made of straw. With brown finishing on the buildings, each one looked like a barn with faded colorings, with brown instead of white finish.
The streets were bustling about normally: the ponies were running some stalls on the side, while others were just bustling about to go wherever they were headed. At the thought of the pony stalls, I remembered I hadn’t eaten anything for two days.
I walked up to one of the pony stalls, and the pony at the stall gave me a warm greeting. The pony was a dark gold on the coat with a black mane and tail. The pony also happened to be wearing shades. The pony was also a pegasii.
“The name’s Dust Storm. How can I help you?” He said with a smile. I looked at what he had at his stand. There was a variety of fruit: strawberries, cantaloupe, and watermelons. Pretty much everything except apples.
“Hi, Dust Storm. I’m RJ. I happen to be new to Ponyville. Do you think I could get some strawberries?” I say, fidgeting with my back pocket to try and pull my wallet out.
“Yeah, sure. So you’re new to Ponyville?” He said putting some strawberries in a paper bag.
“Yeah, I just got here.”
“That’s cool. Maybe we could hang out some time?”
“Yeah, sounds great,” I said, putting a dollar on the table and grabbing the paper bag, “Could you point me towards Sugarcube Corner?”
“Uh, yeah, but…” He was holding the dollar in hoof. “What is this?”
“Oh, yeah, I forgot the currency is different here…”
After a moment of thinking, I said, “One bit is like one cent, so that would be one hundred bits.”
“Really? A hundred bits? That’s really nice of you.”
“Heh. Thanks.”
“I think you and me will be great friends.”
Really? I thought, a real friend? I’ve never had a real friend before…
After Dust Storm points me in the way of Sugarcube Corner, I begin my trek to the cupcake-shaped place. Considering he told me it was just around the corner, it wasn’t long before I was standing in front of the multiple colored building. As I walked in, I was engulfed by the smell of freshly baked goods. The walls were lined with all kinds of sweets: cakes, cupcakes, lollipops; you name it, it was there. It was difficult to count how many things were there, considering there literally three large shelves going around the room lined with sweets. When I looked over at the only thing that was lacking a vibrant color, which was the front counter, I saw Derpy talking with Pinkie. Oh, Derpy. I felt bad for her for a moment, remembering all the shit she has really gone through. However, that all changed when I saw how truly happy she really was. I was surprised to see how good her coat, mane, and tail looked, considering how wall-eyed she usually was.
“Hello, Pinkie!” She said with a large smile. “I’m here for my weekly muffins!”
“I know Derpy!” She said in her normal hyper way. “You come here every Thursday at exactly ten o’ clock in the morning. Why else would you be here right now?”
“To deliver mail?” Derpy said in an annoyed tone.
Pinkie smile sheepishly. “Oh. Right…” She turned around and grabbed the box off the shelf. When she turned around and was right about to hand the box to Derpy, when she looked at me and froze for a second. She cleared her throat then handed the box to Derpy.
“Are you okay, Pinkie?” Derpy asked, clearly worried.
“Uh, yes. Yes, I’m fine.” There was a drastic change in her personality. Was it me? I sure hope not.
After Derpy left, I walked up to the counter where Pinkie sat.
“Welcome to Sugarcube Corner, Arjay. What can I get for you?”
“Uhh… I don’t know…” I was gazing around the room at the masses of sweets that were in the room. Then I spotted it: a purple frosted cake with blueberries on top. It was perfect.
“That one. That one right there.” I said, pointing at the cake.
“Okay. Allow me to get it.” She said, walking over to the shelf on the far side of the room.
“How much will it cost?” I said as Pinkie reached up to grab the cake.
She turned around with the cake in her hoof and smiled. “First time customers always get their first item free.”
“Really, that’s great!” I said with a smile. She set the cake on the counter in a box then closed it. I was about to grab the cake and leave, but Pinkie said something first.
“Hey, uh, Arjay?”
“Yes, Pinkie?”
“I was wondering if we could, uh, get to know each other a little better.”
Something wasn’t right here. Pinkie isn’t usually this calm when meeting new people.
“Sure. What do you have in mind?”
“A picnic!” She said in a hyper tone, but cleared her throat and said, “A picnic” in a much softer tone.
We gathered the basic essentials for a nice picnic. The quilted blanket, some fresh apple juice, which Pinkie said that she and Applejack made it this morning, which is what she was doing before she met me. We made some sandwiches of bread, grass, mayo and alfalfa. After we were packed and ready to go, I followed Pinkie to where we were going.
***
I have always loved picnics since I was a little boy. I remember how my family and I would always go to the park, sit under a large tree, sit down on a sheet, because at that time, we were a quite poor family, and eat some homemade burgers my mom had made the night before. The reason I bring this up is because the location of where Pinkie was setting up reminded me quite a bit of that. We were under a large tree, I think at the outskirts of Sweet Apple Acres, though I wasn’t sure, we were on a red and white quilt, and she and I had made sandwiches back at the Corner. So, I was a little reluctant to be there, the location bringing up some old memories, and I didn’t want to start crying in front of a pink pony. I don’t know who would.
“Arjay, are you okay?” She asked me. I then realized I was just standing there, staring at the tree.
“Uh, y-yeah. I’m fine.” I replied, clearing my throat and sitting down on the quilt.
For a little bit, we sat there eating the sandwiches in silence. They were surprisingly really good. Although, I was a pony now, so I guess they would taste better anyways. After I finished half the sandwich, the silence was killing me, so I spoke.
“So, uh, Pinkie. How is Sugarcube Corner doing?”
“Oh, it’s doing okay.” She said, finishing her first half as well.
“How are the Cakes?”
“Well, the twins are a handful, but other than that, they’re good, too.”
I don’t think this conversation is going to go anywhere, I thought to myself as I picked up another half of a sandwich. Just then, Pinkie pipes up.
“Well, what about you?”
“Well, what do you want to know?” I take a bite of the sandwich.
“Absolutely everything.”
I choke slightly on the sandwich, but nothing too serious. Everything? I thought. Well, better get started.
“Where to start?”
“How about you just tell me what brought you to Ponyville?”
“Actually, I just woke up at Sweet Apple Acres. I have no idea how I got here.”
“Huh.” She looks at a watch she had on. Never seen that before.
“Ohmigosh! We need to get back! The super pie is almost done!”
Within a matter of seconds, she had everything packed and she was running back towards Sugarcube Corner. I ran after her best I could, but I lost her after we got back to town. Out of breath, I fell on the ground. Looking around me, I saw I was drawing a crowd, so I got back up and dusted myself off. A gold-colored mare with a brown and blue mane and tail approached me.
“Are you okay?” She asked me softly.
“Yeah,” I started, “I’m just… tired from… running… after Pinkie…” I was so tired I could hardly speak. That pink pony moves fast!
She chuckled. “I know. She moves way too fast. Oh, allow me to introduce myself. Name’s Traily. I don’t think we’ve met before.”
“No, we haven’t. I’m RJ. Pleasure to meet you Traily.”
“Are you just arriving in Ponyville?”
“Yeah, I just got here this morning.”
“Oh, okay. Well, I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later!” She waves goodbye.
“Okay, see you!” I walk back to Sugarcube Corner to see Pinkie Pie cleaning up a giant mess.
“What happened?” I say.
“I didn’t get back in time. I have to start over now.”
I could tell she was upset. Her ears had fallen, and she sighed a heavy sigh.
“Hey, I’ll help you.” I said reassuringly.
“Really? You’ll do that?”
“Of course. It doesn’t look that hard.”
“She smiles. “Let’s do it!”
***
I was SOOO wrong. That was quite possibly some of the hardest work I have ever done. The dough got everywhere. I don’t know how it got on every single dish in the closed cupboard, but it did. After we finished cleaning it up, we started another batch for the super pie. It was just like a regular pie, except ten times more ingredients. After we threw it in the oven, I looked at her with a smile.
“Well, I best be going.” I grabbed the cake in the box and walked for the door.
“Okay. Thank you, Arjay!” She waved goodbye.
I waved goodbye, but then I was in a hurry. I had a purple pony to meet.
This story is bad and you should feel bad.
1975529 I am afraid I am going to disregard this message. I like constructive criticism, but if you are just going to tell me how bad it is without evidence, then please do not post any comments.
Awwww hurry up and post the next chap
1975579
The comments alone were enough to ward me off. I'm afraid that if I read this, I'll loose my ability to write. And I'm NOT risking that.
1979591 Mr. Crossover, can I ask you a question? Have you actually read this story yourself, or are you just taking other people's word for it? If you haven't actually read it, then this conversation is over.
1980360
Ow.
My brain. My poor brain. Ow. Expression of discomfort.
Wow, cardboard cutout character much? 'HUR I AM RICH BUT NO FRIENDS HUR'
How long did you spend creating this character? A minute? Two? A picosecond?
The plot(heh) proceeds too quickly and his arrival to Equestria is, well... underwhelming.
Just like that, he meets Applejack, like, 'here's a pony, enjoy'.
Aaand the fact that Mane Six are just going to swoon and get the hots for him just like that sets my teeth on edge.
ROMANCE MOTHERBUCKER, LEARN TO WRITE SOME
Here's something you may find to be of use.
I am writing a romance story myself, and I have put in a lot of effort in weaving a believable relationship in it. Took me eleven chapters just to ship the two lovebirds together.
Anyways, getting off topic. I'll simply say you need improvement. IN SPADES.
Lurk more.
1980758 See? Was that so hard? I don't think it is, but a little less drama is always better. Now, the story is just starting to develop, so of course it will take a while to get good. However, most stories are like this. For example, The White Tiger. The first few chapters were crap, but after a while, it got quite interesting. Now, I'm not saying that I am trying to make the first few chapters crap on purpose, but that is just how most stories are to most people. Thank you for actually giving me some constructive criticism. I appreciate it a lot.
1980818
I was also inadvertently trying to troll you, but you remained infuriatingly stoic.
Love and toleration. Learn it, live it, love it.
1980824 Read comment below this one. My bad!
1980834
Above. ABOVE.
Thanks for the new chapter, others may not like this story, but I do.please, continue writing.
Chapter 2:
Glad to see that you fixed your wall of text syndrome.
Here's something that you (as well as several successful fanfic writers on this site) may get wrong, just a heads up: Pinkie Pie does not always say "okie dokie lokie," much like Applejack doesn't always call someone "sugar" or "sugar-cube," or how Rarity doesn't always refer to someone as "darling." This can come off to a reader (such as myself) that you have no idea how a canon character speaks, so you just throw in a verbal tic that they sometimes say as often as the average C.O.D. player spouts the word "faggot" during a game. I'm not saying to not use those words, but just use them sparingly.
Well, what did you expect her to do, run up to you all worried and ask if you were okay? To Applejack, you're a pony who can't do something as simple as walking; of course she's going to laugh. RJ's narcissism mystifies me.
Once again, your story is bereft of essential descriptions that draw a reader into your world. Right now, all you're doing is going through RJ's events like, "And then this happened, and then that happened, and then this happened, and then that happened, and then this happened, and then that happened, and-"
You get the point. When you go through the story like this, it feels like listening to some hyperactive person going about the events of their day. Unless you were there, it means nothing to you. However, with good enough writing skills, you can transport the reader into your world through said descriptions, like so:
Stumbling over a large hill on the outskirts of Sweet Apple Acres, I finally saw the quaint little town of Ponyville. To my delight, it looked exactly as it did in the show: German-like houses with thatched roofs, vendors selling fresh fruits and vegetables. I could even see the unmistakeable buildings of Twilight's treehouse/library, Rarity's Carousel Boutique, and Pinkie Pie's Sugarcube Corner. As soon as I saw the gingerbread roof of the bakery, I remembered that I hadn't eaten in quite some time. My decision was made. I trotted as carefully as my new quad-legged physique would allow towards Sugarcube Corner.
You see how much better that was? Now, you actually feel as if you were there. But I digress.
Speaking of, your character now seems to be taking to seeing the sights of Ponyville quite causally. I'm not saying to run up and hug Derpy Hooves, but show more emotions from RJ as he encounters all of this. This was one of the only things in his life that he enjoyed, remember?
Um, to deliver a letter? To meet friends for a snack? There is more to Derpy Hooves than a wall-eyed pegasus who eats muffins you know. Show some respect, man.
Wait, RJ's a pony now, so he doesn't have any clothes anymore. So where did he pull the wallet from, his asshole?
And wow. Is RJ really stupid enough to pay for Equestrian goods with American money? Hoo boy, this is going to be good.
johnmorse.com/randomImages/11-3/Stephen-Colbert-Popcorn.gif
IT MOTHERFUCKING WORKED????????
RJ successfully paid AMERICAN money to buy something that can only be bought in BITS!
Do you have any, ANY idea how currency or economics works?
...
...
Anyways...
Okay, when the hell did RJ suddenly become Mr. Social Butterfly? And for that matter, why IS Pinkie Pie acting so OOC? My mind is slowing filling with fuck.
However, you seem like you're going to explain the latter. It better be good...
Your family was poor? You mean the family that inherited you a MOTHERFUCKING MANSION was poor?
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I can't believe that RJ went from being an angry, reprehensible douchebag to being this supposed sweetheart. You can't just change your character's personality like that. When you do something like this, you either have to lie in the bed that you make and continue to portray RJ as an asshole, or rewrite the story so that he's this calm and collected person that he magically transformed into now.
And the fact that you narrate about having conversations with Pinkie Pie instead of having conversations with Pinkie Pie.
I wish I could fill the rest of this comment with that emoticon, but it will get stripped if I do, so let's not.
So just like that, the meeting ends. How riveting.
I really hope that this whole "Pinkie Pie Being Calm as Hell" subplot is explained soon, though; its wearing at my patience.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I'd go on to Chapter 3, but I'm going out with my mother to have dinner and go see Mama tonight. Ciao.
Wow, some ponies!
Anyways, cool chapter.
I guess I am a golden tan.