Rainbow is falling to her death… ten seconds on the clock…
Ten.
“What should I do? What should I do?!” I said.
Nine.
“Wait, I’m a unicorn! I could save her with my magic!”
Eight.
“No, that wouldn’t work. I have no training on the matter.”
Seven.
“I could try and catch her with my hooves.” I look at my hooves.
Six.
“That wouldn’t work either.”
Five.
I then remembered mine and Twilight’s conversation from the night before. She told me the way to use magic was to concentrate on what you wanted to do. She even offered me lessons. Guess I’ll have to take her up on that.
Four.
I concentrate with all my might, trying to focus on levitating Rainbow. This was my absolute first time trying to use magic. I didn’t know if I was going to succeed. Her screaming had become loud, almost ear-splitting.
“Stay focused, RJ. You can do it.”
Three.
I bite my lower lip. Hard. I feel a warm liquid flowing down my chin. Whether it was saliva or blood, I did not know, and I didn’t care. All I cared about was saving Rainbow.
Two.
I… I felt something weird… Like a small click in my brain… I stayed focused. It almost felt like nothing else… existed… Like I was the only one in the universe…
One.
“GAH!”
…
I awoke in my house. In my own bed. Looking around the room, I saw my MP3 player, sitting on its charger, my headphones sitting right next to it.
“It… it was all a dream?” I say looking around. I get up, and look at myself. I was human again. I was confused. I walked out of my bedroom, and then I realized where I was. I wasn’t in my mansion. I was in my old house.
My parents’ house.
I look at myself again. I was a child; about 10, wearing SpongeBob pajamas. I smelled eggs and bacon. I ran into the kitchen. My mother was there. I teared up almost instantly, for seeing my mother again brought up an emotion that I thought I had lost long ago: love. She looked at me with her signature smile. She wiped her hands on her apron, then walked over to me and picked me up.
“Hey, honey, are you okay?” she said, a more concerned look on her face, “You’re never up this early. Did you have that dream again?”
“Yes, mommy,” I said, “Can I stay up with you?”
“Of course you can. You can stay with me as long as you want.”
Then it hit me: I was dying. Something must have happened, whether during a dream or if it actually happened. A bright light came up to us. My mother frowned.
“I guess duty calls.” She said, tears coming to her eyes. I looked at my mother, her face slowly turning a light purple, and something started coming out of her forehead. It was… a horn. She was slowly turning into Twilight.
When my vision cleared, I was in the hospital, looking at Twilight. She was looking at me. She smiled.
“Welcome back.”
I gasp, and sit up. “Rainbow!” An extremely painful migraine comes to me instantly, causing me to groan in pain. Twilight helps me lay back down, then looks at me.
“What happened?” I asked her.
She smiled.
“Thank you, Arjay.” She then walked out of the room. The next pony I saw made me sigh. It was Rainbow, her right wing all bandaged and tied between two boards, to help fix it. She walked up to me with teary eyes and a frown.
“I thought you were gone.” She said, looking at the ground. I lift up her chin, and look her straight in the eyes.
“Listen, Rainbow. My memory may be a little sketchy of what happened, but I saved you, and that’s all that matters.” She smiles, then she goes on to tell me what happened. She explains that she was about an inch from the ground when I used my magic to stop her from falling.
“You then turned me upright, put me on the ground to where I was standing, and then you passed out. I checked your pulse, and couldn’t find it.” She said.
Inside my head, my brain was having a fucking party at the thought of me using magic for the first time, but I kept it inside. I stayed silent, as to not surprise her with my over joyous cheers.
“Well, thanks for saving me.” She said, looking me straight in the eyes. Then she did the unthinkable.
She kissed me.
Rainbow Dash kissed me on my lips, and then walked out of the room.
Surprised, I couldn’t say a god damn thing. I closed my mouth, which was gaping, then tried to think of something else. No success.
“Well…” I said to no one, “That was something.”
Looking out the window, I realized it was close to dark. My guess was that I was spending the night here in the hospital, so I sat there; staring at the ceiling, wondering what the hell was going on, until I finally drifted off. “This is just getting stranger and stranger.” My last thought before falling asleep.
I didn't like that there was only 9 thumbs up so I went ahead and made it an even ten. I dont think I'll read your story because I dont want to change my view of you, a new author who still has a ways to go for improvement that just gets absolutely thrashed by shitty reviews. Just focus on improving your writing style, grammar, and spend a bit more time thinking of a plot that you might be remembered for! Good luck!
ALSO:
1973129 I agree just from your description of the story that it sounds bad, but when I saw then NNOOOO compilation I felt obligated for no reason to post a counter to your NNNNOOOOO with a bunch of YES! (Mostly from WWE for some reason)
2020001 Thanks. Appreciate it!
lolno
2020001 Or you could have just used the "Yes" video as a means of agreeing with me.
2020392 Well, well, well. Welcome back!
2020392 Hey, I've been wondering, considering you were the first to actually say anything about the story, critic-wise, do you think it has gotten any better?
2020427 In fact, I was going to review the rest of the story chapter by chapter. I was well into the second chapter yesterday, but I accidentally refreshed my screen, so I lost it. However, I will redo it because I'm such a swell guy.
(Be warned, though. My reviewing style will be identical to the first chapter.)
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw3912-d14.jpg
Seriously though. Like, you even ALLUDE to him being a blackhole of relationships. EVERYONE LURVES HIM SUDDENLY.
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw1191_luna.png
2020448 I don't get it....
2020447 I'm all up for the constructive criticism. It's my thing.
NAPPA: "Vegeta, What does the scouter say about this stories LOL level?!?"
VEGETA: "It's over 9000!!!"
2020678 NAPPA: What?! 9000?! That's impossible!
VEGETA: *smiles* Not for this story...
2020697 Well, um... How much did you read? It doesn't sound like you read the whole thing...
I'll tell you how we function, WITH FRIENDSHIP MOTHERBUCKER!
2020722 I did. All the chapters
for some reason.EDIT: You know what, let's rephrase that. I read through all the chapters so I could actually give a valid opinion instead of just reading a few lines/comments and go all "Dis stoy suck i dont liek it!!1!1eleven1!!" like many others do. You know why? Because I actually try to keep it professional when criticising a story, and not reading thoroughly through it beforehand would just make me look like an idiot.
2020734 ....
I'll let Frieza have this one too:
Chapter 3:
So alternatively, that would have said, "Of course got terrified." I think what you meant to say was, "Of course, her being Fluttershy, she got terrified. That's better.
What the hell? Why would Fluttershy attack someone like that? I would have attributed it to the reason of why Pinkie Pie was acting so OOC, but then Fluttershy goes right back to her shy self. Why was she so hostile just now? This makes no sense.
Okay, seriously. What the actual hell? Fluttershy does NOT act like this. If anything, she would have squeaked and ran away. I'm getting a really ominous feeling that these lapses in character behavior are just contrived plot devices used to get your character with the Mane 6 as quick as possible with as little effort as possible from you, the writer.
I don't think Rarity would wear such an elegant dress around Ponyville so casually like that.
It's called having emotions. Congratulations, RJ. Maybe, just maybe, you'll actually gain some humanity.
No, it doesn't. Fluttershy would NOT attack some random stranger like that unless she was "Discorded." You know why Fluttershy represents the Element of Kindness? Because she doesn't go around assaulting strangers, you fool!
And frankly, I could give two shits about your cake.
I think that's God's way of telling you, "That's what you get for paying for something with worthless currency."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Meh. Boring chapter mostly.
Alex, am I supposed to be insulted, also what happened to "love and tolerate"?
2024537 upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/3/3c/Nostalgia_Critic.jpg/250px-Nostalgia_Critic.jpg
2024537 It was a bullshit motto then, and it's a bullshit motto now.
Please post more!!!!!!! This story is gettin awesome
2025383 It's almost as if you take everything so literal... I have nothing wrong with that, but let loose a little, you know?
2042151 Hey, I'm just going by what YOU wrote.
2042585 I know, I know... It just seems like you took it very literal. I do like your constructive criticism, unlike other people...
2042585 I'm sure you saw the comments on your page and mine, if you followed it...
2042606 You're still nagging on about that?
2049454 Um, no. All I said is that I was sure he saw it.
2052789 Ah. That's what I thought you said. Carry on then. Carry on.
Chapter 8:
And the Academy Award for Best Consistency is...
Yeah, I don't think magic works like that. If it was, then why would spellbooks even exist? Can't a unicorn just "concentrate" on whatever they want to do and just do it? You could argue that Twilight can do such things because she's a master with magic, but you forget. Even then, like when she did the wings spell with Rarity in Sonic Rainboom or the time-traveling spell in It's About Time, she needed to read a book to learn how to perform the spell.
And even with RJ, I don't think he'd be skillful enough with magic to catch Rainbow Dash with as little as he's been in Equestria. It took Twilight (you know, the Element of Magic) a long time just to learn how to flip a page on a book. How do you think that RJ is going to have a chance with a fully-grown pegasus?
I just realized, these are the longest freaking seconds I've ever seen. First, a walk to Sweet Apple Acres and back takes the entirety of a day while thinking and analyzing a situation like this takes just a second, or schmeconds, or whatever those are.
Well, shit. Looks like I wrote myself into a corner.
IT WAS A DREAM!
Such a vivid description. You're a regular Ian Fleming.
Wait, so his family was poor, but they could afford to get their son an MP3 player and $2500 headphones (I assume they're the same ones, you don't describe them in anyway). I hope this is just some weird metaphysical shit going on, otherwise, I'm going to blow a gasket.
This part of the story was directed by David Lynch.
1. Sigh? Sigh how? Usually a sigh is a vocal noise brought on by tiredness, depression, or boredom. If you could say, sigh in relief, that would be MUCH more helpful towards the reader.
2. It's a called a splint, and we know what it does. For a guy who apparently developed a company who made prosthetic legs (which would require medical school), calling a splint "two boards" is humorously ironic.
Hooray. It took a human-turned-unicorn a day or two to do what it took Twilight months, or maybe even years to learn. MARY SUE PARTY!!!
So first Pinkie Pie, then Twilight, and now Rainbow Dash?
Oh, you wish, pal.
No, I think the proper response is, "That kiss passed with flying colors."
Ner nernerner ner, ner ner ner ner nernerner ner, ner ner ner ner nernerner ner, ner ner ner ner nernerner ner, ner ner ner ner ner, ner ner ner.
That Mary Sue party is still going strong. We have plenty of Mike's Hards.