The Terrans. A small amalgamation of sapient races and constructs who’s civilisation has rocked the boat of the known galaxy. Forever riding in to save the day weather others like it or not, taking action in the face of injustice perhaps even when it is best not to and boasting the most underhanded of actions as heroic. As the rouges of the galactic community they have earned friends, allies, rivals and enemies with each move they make, sending chaotic consequence cascading through the status quo.
To one particular anomalous planet they are a legend passed into myth, remembered by few in reverence and animosity alike. After an impossible two thousand years they are returning, biting the tail of what remains of a society of slavers now fleeing through the unknown regions.
Some creatures eagerly await this return, having waited millennia for their saviours and honorary siblings in hardship. They yearn for the place in the world they were once promised and denied.
One of those who remember awaits them eagerly, willing to bare the price of the progress they bring. Her passion drives her to reforge a connection with those who have in actuality never really known her.
Another has only apprehension for the disruption of the status-quo that is known to follow them and the chaos they sow. She fears them and more so the reaction of how she condemned those who came before, herself ignorant of the good others have seen in them.
And yet many more will only have shock and confusion at the appearance of this ancient myth but the Terrans, they will be the most confounded of all as they will find their legacy on this world is older than even they are as a people.
Interesting start. Lets see where it goes.
cdn.head-fi.org/e/e7/e72d53b9_i_am_intrigued.jpeg
I like the premise. Nice job hooking readers in the first chapter. The only bad thing I have to say is that the chapter is a bit on the short side.
1857479 I know. I had a hard time trying to flesh it out more than it already is. Maybe I should have rolled a few of my early chapters into one? Can’t be helped now though I suppose.
1857498 Well you learn and get better later right?
Hmm right now you didn't show anything more than was in description.
I hope you will make some not black and white plot, especially when i see changelings hmm sadly most of fics with them is just "they are bad, we are good"
1866484 Nope. I'm a Changeling fan, no black and white here unless you’re talking about my carapace.
1867398
Then prove it ;)
Must say that the Stiletto has me wondering and rather intrigued.
1874906 You recognised it I see. I always found it a sexy design and subconsciously designed my own combat walker around it. Found out why it felt so familiar a while later when looking through my old x-box games…
The Mechassault games were never popular with the diehard Battletech fans but I thought the games were good. Well, fun at least. They don’t get many points for sticking to Battletech cannon but they were simple and easy to play. A good introduction to the franchise and reminded the world of its existance.
1874959 Staring at that picture finally convinced me to try Mechwarrior Online.
1874979 I recommend it. Though it is a bit of a hassle getting used to the controls and it takes a while to get good so expect to get pawned your first few matches but it’s worth it.
Found some editing that needs done, as it looks glaring in an otherwise decent piece. For example,
Missile lunch control awaiting your orders to lunch probes…” .
1937423
Uh... yes! The probes are ment to... eat things! Yes, that's it.
Thanks. I don’t have an editor so I’m by myself here.
In the first paragraph I think you want particles instead of partials.
I like this story so far but it could use a little more proofreading.
I'm sorry but I just have to bring this up:
Raven 35ton Scout Mech
freewebs.com/jack-stryker/CA573BABAE0DAC6C7FFD2325F94403D8.jpg
1937983 I suppose I did rush this chapter out.
As for the battletech Raven? Yeah, I know about it.
I am reviewing for the 'Authors helping Authors'
Name of Story: The Falling Star People
Grammar score out of 10
9, no noticeable errors.
Pros
story is goes on at a good speed.
Plus its grammar is really good, allowing me to enjoy and focus more on story than those pesky errors.
You describe everything with extremely good detail.
Cons
Ok thats it! I cant seem to find anything to put on cons list. I will wait until, I can find something wrong with it to put something here. 0_0
Notes: I was not being extra nice in any way, when I said that I could not find stuff to put in the Cons list. I was telling the truth. Oh how this might come back to hurt me. It is a very fun story to read, and I will happily read the next chapters you come out with.
Enjoy your review! Have some pinkies
1943362 Gah! No! You do not know what you unleash! Remember what happened last time there was more than one of her?
Seriously though, thanks for the feedback.
Hey. Nice story!
I like the world building you did and the foreshadowing was pretty well done.
I did find a few minor errors.
I think that is supposed to be 'crops', or this story is a lot darker than I had expected.
matter
I would leave the word 'under' out of this.
Compliment
I liked the story and I'm looking forward to the next chapter. Keep writing!
1947162
*face palm* Back to the editing I suppose.
Thanks for pointing those out and I’m glad you enjoy it!
At least I got rid of "Lunch the missiles!"
Another chapter! How did I miss this when it was already up?
Well, anyway, now that you've written a bit more, I can give a longer list of unasked for advice
The first part of the story was written with good descriptions, but there were a lot of technical terms and science fiction jargon that made my head spin for a little bit. Maybe it's just my personal preference, but I find this kind of writing more fluff than anything else. A lot of the terms mean almost nothing to me, so it's a bit jarring to read, but that's probably just me.
The pony part of the chapter is where your writing really started to shine, and it's what I enjoyed the most. I absolutely love what you are doing with Rainbow Dash and you captured the characters of Twilight and Spike very accurately. Good job!
I also appreciated how you made them mentally translate stuff like laser beams etc. to spells.
I would advice against the use of Nyx. I don't have anything against her character, but from what I have seen here I think that you are more than capable to use the original cast of ponies and possibly self created OC's. I would much rather see what you created, than what someone else did.
Also, some errors that I spotted while I was reading through the fic.
worlds -- rare
position
Applejack
maned
a cluster of
rose as a
likely
Also, you are using xxxXXXxxx to make scene breaks, while there is nothing wrong with that, you can simply type in [ hr ] (remove the spaces between hr and the brackets) and the document will add a standard scene break in that place. You can still use xxxXXXxxx, but it's less work to use this alternative method and generally looks better in my opinion.
Good luck with your future chapters! And keep on writing!
1947611 Thanks again for pointing those out. Really, having them lying around is just embarrassing.
As for the technical terms, what are you specifically uncomfortable with? I want to make it a comfortable story to read without clogging up my story with techno babble about the difference between a rail gun and gauss gun. Maybe I could add a glossary? (At the same time I’m afraid physics Nazis will jump on me if start saying everything’s nuclear or quantum, I know I twitch every time someone describes magic as a type of radiation just because I actually listened in Science class when they explained what it was.)
Wait, I just got an idea! Many thanks for pointing out this issue and triggering that thought proses.
I’m glad I got their personalities down right; I think that’s the bit first time authors fear the most.
And to be honest the only reason I originally wanted to include Nyx was because I had recently read Past Sins and was a little obsessed with the idea. I’d only ever cave into the idea now if there was insane demand for it and that’s not very likely.
As for the dividers I tried them out and they didn’t look too distinct to me so I used that instead. Maybe I’ll find some more interesting one’s on the web or make my own.
Thanks again!
Well, it’s not just technical terms. It’s more that you are throwing a lot of new terms to the readers.
Like: “Karak slavers”; “United Orion Alliance”; “The Council of Races”; “have our fighters and drones form a CAP”; “The Vallarie”. These are all new terms and names that the reader has no real connection to.
It’s okay if you are going to explain these things later and are now merely foreshadowing important parts, but you have to watch out that you aren’t going to bore your readers with these. At the moments these terms are nothing more than a list of names to us.
I want to repeat that I don’t mind the new terms, but there are just a lot of them, and they can give the reader a sort of fatigue if there is no real knowledge of what they mean.
What you did with the “Fara’glee protocol” was actually a good example of what you should do.
You show that the crew has an immediate reaction to the order, it makes the crew uneasy and nervous. So we, as the readers, can see that it’s something important. The captain saying to himself: “It was over a century ago but the events still hung heavy in the minds of every species, race and other being in the United Orion Alliance. “…I will not let another Fara’glee happen, never again. Never.” Shows us also a lot. It explains why the protocol exists, and implies that it happened on a planet named Fara’glee. That’s, in my opinion, a nice bit of foreshadowing and it also builds a bit of the world where the humans came from and what is happening in the universe.
You interest the reader with just enough knowledge to make them piece together what probably happened, without stating it outright.
But hey, I’m just an amateur writer, so take everything what I say with a grain of salt, okay?
1947611
Yes heed these words, I find in my story whenever I say a technical term it is either in dialogue, and cleverly said to entice interest. As in 'WAIT WHY'D HE SAY THAT?" and when in internal monologue or description, where *I* can describe also why that may be important, or interesting.
In my upper narrative I refrain from using random or sci fi terms in lieu (is that the right word?) of simpler or colorful but generic ones.
1977571 A comment! With an extension on useful advice as well.
Hmm… well I don’t often write in first person so internal monologueing would be tricky if not impossible to pull off. I was going to have a seen with Twilight hounding one of the humans for answers to what some of the words mean. Of course I need to make sure that fits into the plot line smoothly. I also wasn’t going to include too much of the human’s side of the story until I could fully explain their position preferably in a dramatic way but I felt my chapters were originally too short so I threw in a slice of the other side.
1979816
I'm quite the expert and professional on pony point of viewed person pestering if you'd permit participation on my part in your endeavor. :o
I have two stories at the moment that utilize a great deal of it. Only one's posted though.
1979891 If you have something to add go right ahead.
To quote a favourite character of mine I doubt you’ll recognise; “More Input, More Input!”
1979901
You insult me, Johnny Five. :P We can no longer be friends.
1979942
No disassemble friendship! No disassemble.
I'm sad now...
You're a looney.
1979988 We’re both obsessed with a cartoon show aimed at little girls. Granted, it’s the perfect storm of a cartoon but still…
And it’s only me your calling a loon? Then again, you know what they say. If one person suffers a delusion it’s called insanity. If many people do it’s called religion.
MLP has become the new world religion! Write it down on your sensuous card.
...or else
1980072
1980148 What...? Wait, let me reread my last comment.
Oh
, maybe I am a loony. 
Seriously though, if you have anything to add, please do.
Also, in explanation of my previous comment; I’m not completely certain on American law but if enough people register themselves as a certain religion they have to be officially recognised by the state. If every brony did so Friendship being Magic would have to be acknowledged as a major movement and by extension mentioned in school curriculum. The ultimate point of this… I don’t know. But who doesn’t want to take an opportunity to troll over inflated governments?
But I live in the UK so… that probably won’t work here. The Church of England is officially tied to the government even if they have next to no influence.
1980687
That would be magnificent wouldn't it. Sorry I was focusing mostly on putting up my 6th chapter. I skimped a bit and only just broke 7k words for it. Oh well, chapter seven is going to be a really big one so it will make up for it. So sorry for cheaping you. Other than M0AR I don't have much else to say really.
198088 That's fine. Disappointing but it’s not really heart breaking news.
Also, working on third chapter now, so I shall be able to comply with this more dramatic M0AR of yours.
More you must add more or I will sacrifice you to the dark god Tzeentch.
1988466 Try and I’ll read you some of my Vogon poetry. But yes, there will be more!
I am imune to vogan poetry sense I am one.1989761
1990521 Then I shall have to resort to…
poetry written by Paula Millstone Jennings of Sussex!
1990541 nooooooooooooooooooooo not that
>>voiddraggon
Ah, the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy. Such a hoopy frood of a book series.
Noticed a lack of commas in this bit. Changed airs to heirs, as in "Heirs to the throne".
2188490 Taken into consideration, thank you.
2188527
You are welcome.
If I notice anything else- well you know.
Entertaining story so far as well, Equestria (Or Equuis or whatever it's called) seems to attract nearly as much weirdness as Earth does doesn't it?
2188570 Well if we were completely realistic about the chances of things happening then we wouldn’t really get anywhere in the story.
But yes, everything is a bit astoundingly coincidental thus abnormal and weird. Then again we’re writing stories about multi-coloured pastel ponies in a world based on warped chunks and titbits of human mythology. At this point weird is a given.
Then again I’ve always put stock in the saying ‘reality is stranger than fiction’.
2188680
Indeed.
I love misconceptions! They start conflicts and breed doubt!
The use of Cadence to annex the empire makes a lot of sense. I smell conspiracy.
I think you need to delete the first three chapters, and make a conspiracy story how Celestia wants to take over the world