• Member Since 21st Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen 9 hours ago

Darth Atrox


I find your lack of faith disturbing

T

"Sister, look!" Cried Luna, poiting out to the horizon. Celestia looked up, noticing that fireballs were descending from the sky, all over Equestria and beyond. Looking around, she saw that they were falling everywhere. Both in and out of Equestria.

"Oh, Faust. What is happening!" She cried.

Suddenly, a beam of light shot upwards into the sky, originating from the crater in Canterlot Square. The beam of light formed a large square image in the sky.

Looking around, she saw that a familiar projection was over all over the towns and cities in Equestria.

Suddenly, a deafening screech permeated the air, before forming into a rough sentence:

yOU ArE NOT AlOnE

Since it's founding in 2140, peace had reigned in the Interstellar Federation of Systems for 4 centuries. Humanity had long since cured disease, ended poverty, and destroyed inequality. With an empire spanning hundreds of Star systems it was only a matter of time before they found life on other worlds. Sadly, it wasn't a joyful discovery.

Well into the pinnicle of its power, first contact was made. A species known as The Drox made themselves known to Humanity in the most heinous way possible: The destruction of it's capital, Planet Earth. The subsequent war brought many truths to light, and spread death and destruction over the span of 3 decades.

After the evacuation of the planet Sparta, the I.F.S.S. Marx was forced into an altercation with a Drox vessel. This altercation brought about cataclysmic results that brought the Marx to a new universe...

One filled with ponies.

Inspired by:
Machine and Might by Kriegor
From Beyond by Lepking13
Independence Day (Film)
Man Of Steel (Film)

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 44 )

This is awesome! Make more!

"Besides, if there are aliens out there, I highly doubt they would be at war. A species so advanced would have abandoned such violent political actions long before they became a space fairing race."

:facehoof:

2829711 How very naive of her. I agree.

30 planetary rotations.

the planet doesn't rotate. the sun goes around the planet.

2831087
All will be explained...

You see that? I'm being enigmatic.

Ooohh, another first contact stor--

*sees [Dark] tag*

Alright, let's see how fast it'll take for them to buck up first contact.

i agree General Zod's message was the most awesome first contact message ever

You should write out your numbers instead of using numerals. And six hundred million seems a bit low, especially for a militant space-faring civilization of humans. You have numerous spelling and typing errors, and the writing style seems amateurish overall.

On the evacuation system... Total certainty that every human is off the planet? :rainbowhuh: What?

The Big Bang Theory? Really? :trixieshiftright:

Twilight is completely out of character.

You're also taking too much from superhero movies. The first contact made by humans doesn't show their face? And their exoskeletal combat armor just happens to look exactly like Iron Man, so you can conveniently use that picture. Uh-huh.

2833117
Thank you for your criticism and review.

But to address a few things:
1) I chose 600,000,000 inhabitants because there would already be a crew manning the I.F.S.S. Marx, which brings the human count to approximately 800,000,000. I wanted to keep the human count under the billions, but still be an enormous number, due to humanity being a space faring race. As for your perception of the Planet Sparta's 'small' population, they are at war. At least 1/3 of Spartans are fighting in the war.
2) They are 100 percent certain of evacuation because they have a database listing every citizen. They just have to check off everyone who has boarded. It's that simple.
3) As for the pop culture references (Big Bang Theory, various anime, etc) I'm a pop culture nerd :) I take inspiration and ideas from things I like. You will be seeing more references to other things in this story.
3b) Iron Man armor. There IS a reason why the humans use high tech armor, AND why it is identical to a superheroes armor. I mean a legit reason, not just my lack if creativity. It will make sense, if you choose to continue reading.
3c) I wanted the Humans in their combat armor to create a lifeless mechanical facade for the ponies. This way, they'll be surprised and intrigued when the armor comes off.
4) How is Twilight out of character? Twilight has proven that she doesn't enjoy things of the fantasy or supernatural nature. I believe a dislike of SciFi is a logical step.
5) I added this story to every folder I believe described the story. They're in another universe, so it went into the Dimensional travel folder. Hard SciFi was only described as "space travel" which this applies to.

I hope this clarified any qualms you may have had about my story...

Also, you described my writing as "amateurish." To be honest, that's a fair description. I haven't been writing very long, and fan fiction not only gives me a creative release, but I hope it will turn me into a better writer and story teller.

So, again, thank you for your advice and criticisms.

I hope to be able to make this a truly great story, and I encourage all of my readers to point out inaccuracies or mistakes in it. It might be MY story, but you guys are the ones who have to read it :)

2833510

Well, that's the best response to an insulting critique I've seen yet. I am ashamed, or at least taken aback. :pinkiesad2:

Twilight's character seems to come off as very harsh. She may not like science fiction stories (which, in my headcanon, I suspect she would enjoy, or at least hard sci-fi, if the genre existed in Equestria yet), but I don't understand her seeming hatred for all fiction. And, well, I suppose that's excusable, but she acts completely reprehensibly as an authority figure. I just don't like her portrayal very much.

2833590
Hmmm...

I didn't really think of it that way when I was writing her... I tried to portray her the way she was when every pony suggested that they were cursed. She seemed pretty stubborn, and totally unwilling to listen.

In fact I got the distinct feeling she felt her friends were being totally ignorant when they couldn't accept a rational explanation over a mystical one.

Spike is her charge. She's responsible for him, so I felt her feelings could be intensified. Would you want your kids playing too many video games? Or spending hours on pointless cat videos? No. You'd want them doing something productive and healthy.

2833611

True, but in Bridle Gossip, Twilight slowly grew a head of frustration; by the time everyone was screaming curse she was already exasperated with them over the racial intolerance and rumor-raveling they had been through the day before.

That episode got me, though. Sure, curses as she defined them didn't exist, but there was an obvious effect that had some sort of magical cause and needed a solution. It just so happened that their intolerance and undue suspicion (and Applebloom) happened to lead them to a zebra who knew what they were talking about.

No matter. She just seemed a bit harsh.

Is this your first draft, or did you do any editing? A large part of writing is rewriting.

This..
:pinkiecrazy: i orgasmed.

Hmm weird. We haven't see anything that indicates the ponies have satelites or internet, so how do the humans can get all that info? How do they even guess they have compatible languages? They seem pretty calm after crash landing in an alien planet.

:pinkiegasp:{party for the space explorers} (says pinky):pinkiehappy::yay:this could get entresting:moustache::moustache:

Howard Wolowitz

HORY SHET!:pinkiegasp:

The Drox.... sounds a bit like The Grox from SPORE. Anyway, The Drox are fucked if they want to go to war with the humans.

ARARADARARADAD:yay:
is need moer

RTK

Please please please update this more,I had enjoyed it so far and would hate to see it die:pinkiesad2:

3239527

The story isn't dying, i'm just putting in on hold while I work on my primary story.

Sometimes, you guys can be so dramatic :ajbemused:

Eh, I can wait.

I can't wait for the next chapter!

Emmett Brown

No comment...
Oh, and BTW:

"I welcome you all to the New World Order." She said with a smile.

That was her endgame all along, wasn't it?

the techion is so thick you can cut it with a knife:pinkiecrazy:

That's it, ima stab someone if things don't get longer. *vry srus rage face*

3534219 hre, uz my knaif uf powa :twilightangry2:

PRIMITIVES.
DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE POINT OF ARMOR?
:moustache:

10 years? This the same ship?

Eeeh... That could have been written better. But still good.

I'm so confused. What happened between the first and second chapter?

I'm not saying belief in God is bad. I believe in God. Religion, however, is bullshit.

Yay, someone that shares my opinion. Though I think some of the religions are doing better there are still a lot of people out there who go "Everything in the bible is true and all you sciency people are heathens for saying otherwise." I really don't have anything against the good book, but I see it for what it is. A way to give order to chaotic society. Very much needed in the old days, not so much now. Though I do still respect it, it is a huge part of our culture after all.

So, is this story dead? It hasn't been updated in over a year...

3251706 I... Just... WHAAA...? You = bad grammar and not know how anything works.

I sense a doctor who reference.

You
Are
Not
Alone

and destroyed inequality

People are different, treating them as the same cookie-cutter person is unequal. Yet unequal can also be treating them differently for being different. Muahahahahahaha! Sink into the pit of despair that is a no-win argument!

4) Meia Gisborn? Hibiki Tokai, Emmet Brown, Howard Wolowitz? Yes, those are based on characters you might already know. Some of my OC's will share names from popular series and characters because I am much too lazy to come up with cool, unique names on my own. Remember, these aren't the same characters that I ripped off, it's just their names.

To be perfectly frank, I'm currently fighting a very strong urge to downvote right here and now for such flagrant and unapologetic disregard for the importance of immersion-building.

(How am I supposed to get into the story if, every time your character speaks, my mind flashes back to Vandread and I'm reminded that, yes, I would be more engaged if I were watching Vandread and boy am I overdue to rewatch it.)

...especially when it's so ridiculously easy to ask the Internet for randomized names.

Yeah. Take the distractingly lazy names, combine that with how frequently you mix past and present tenses, add behaviour that feels contrived because of how suddenly it's introduced to the reader and how little time is spent justifying it by showing the psychology that led up to it (the Planetary Unification Act), stir in some typos that even the most basic no-cost spell-checker would catch (eg. representitive), and season with just a pinch of "taking it for granted that readers will care about your OCs"... my verdict remains unchanged from the end of the first chapter and I don't even need to read the third because you've dug too deep a hole for my verdict to change in the future.

Whether I'm evaluating based on "did you subjectively enjoy it?" or "is it objectively good?", you've earned a downvote for inexcusably lazy writing.

EDIT: Sorry for being so grumpy. I'm really tired and the kinds of mistakes you're making are one of my pet peeves. Maybe, if I can find time tomorrow, I'll rewrite this in a less confrontational tone.

8803420

Bah. Now that I realized how tactless that was, this isn't going to let me sleep until I get it out.

I'll leave the original up in the name of honesty, but here's something more appropriate.

The flaws in this story really get under my skin for two reasons:

1. I love first contact stories, so it really gets to me when one turns out so flawed.
2. The unapologetic way in which you knowingly took character names from other stories and what it implies about your attitude toward the story.

That second one is a problem for two reasons of its own:

1. The whole point of a character name is to act as a handle by which a reader can easily recall a bundle of memories. Borrowing names from other stories, when randomizers are so readily available, is like saying "For this story, just because I want to, I've swapped Princess Celestia and Twilight Sparkle's names, but they're otherwise canonical". It's like giving readers who are familiar with the source series the finger and laughing at them.

2. The defining trait of good writing is that it immerses the reader. That is, they get really into it and, ideally, their attention gets drawn away from the words on the page, so they're instead just experiencing a stream of concepts.

That's why things like typos, bad grammar, breaking the fourth wall, reusing character names, etc. are so bad. They cause the reader's mind to slam back into reality as "the train derails", so willingly and intentionally making such mistakes comes across as trolling the reader.

For the names, as I rudely mentioned in my comment on chapter 1, a quick Google search for "random character names" will turn up a whole bunch of randomizers.

As far as the typos go, there are plenty of options for solving that. Google Docs has a spell-checker and is free with no installation required. LibreOffice is free if you want something like Microsoft Office. Both have spell-checking.

For the grammar mistakes, while a beta reader would be ideal, you'll probably want to at least use LanguageTool. It's free and has plugins for Google Docs, LibreOffice, and other things. If you need something for Microsoft Office, try Grammarly.

The Planetary Unification Act is a bit different. The problem is that the way you presented it comes across as a glaring, simplistic case of "They had all this time to do something like this, but didn't until the author needed it."

It really doesn't help that you called it the "Planetary Unification Act" (which implies a single government) first, then clarified later. I'd advise two fixes there.

First, Call it the "Planetary Unity Act". That changes the connotations from "remove the boundaries between their governments" to "present a united front" and makes it sound like they're establishing something similar to the United Nations.

Second, don't rush things so much. Include some scenes before it which show the thought processes and discussions which led to the idea. (Among other reasons, glossing over the initial reactions to "you are not alone" in a first contact fic is like filming an action movie and skipping over the fight scenes.)

Finally, the OCs. I actually didn't mind chapter 1 as much on that front, but the Emmett Brown scene at the beginning of chapter 2 didn't work for me. I'm too tired to put words to exactly what's wrong with it, but it comes across as shallow exposition, wasting time that "should be" spent on things the reader has been primed to care more about (ie. either the MLP cast, Admiral Meia or, with a little more skill, the "humanity as a collective pseudo-character" that worked in chapter 1.)

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