Cheerful Kindness

Cheerilee is Best Pony762 stories ·571 members

Gavin Grey is a normal teacher at a local university, that is, until he wakes up and finds a small pastel colored pony in his bed. What will happen between Cheerilee and this unsuspecting man?

~~I suck at this stuff~~

Picture by KKaiser from the /mlp/ board on 4Chan.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 11 )

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totallynotabrony

totallynotabrony #1 · Dec 24th, 2012 · 1 · ·

Formating: put an indent at the begining of each paragraph or put a space between them or something. As it is, it looks like a wall of text.

Spelling/grammar: pretty good

Plot: not long enough. A second chapter or at least an extended first chapter would have been nice. As it is, you're stuck in an awkward place where readers haven't seen enough to know if they want to read more.

Personally, I think the profanity was a bit much, especially for a university teacher. Perhaps you plan to explain his habits later in the story when prim & proper Cheerilee objects to it?

The first few paragraphs feel rougher and more rushed than the rest. Remember, it's important to make a good first impression.

I'll follow this and see where it goes.

dmechanicbrowser

dmechanicbrowser #2 · Dec 24th, 2012 · 1 · ·

potential.....potential everywhere

DiscoDash

DiscoDash #3 · Dec 24th, 2012 · · ·

1848128
Not really used to writing in prose, so thank you for that tidbit of information. And I'm trying to write faster, but... It's hard going when I hated some parts of the first version that was in greentext.
The first few lines are the hardest part of a story, at least, in my opinion. They always come out like that, and it forces me to move on and come back to it at a later time, when the rest of the story has progressed.
As for the swearing, I know plenty of teachers that swear. Of course he's not going to swear when he's doing his job, or talking with the students at the school, but in his off time? He can do whatever, however. Well... speech wise.I'll keep in mind, though, to tone down on the the swearing in here.

I thank you for reading, and hope to see more feedback from you if you do indeed continue to read.

Commissar Rarity