"I'll lead you home."
"Twilight... Sparkle?" The Princess nudged the mare, rolling her over on her back.
"Princess? Is. That you?" Twilight asked, standing to her hooves. "What are you doing here?" She asked, looking around to her friends who were all sleeping.
"I noticed smoke.." Luna began, looking at the steaming fire. "No pony camps out here.. You're not even in Equestria." She said, lowering her head to become eye level with Twilight.
"I messed up on a spell, and brought us all here. My magic is countered here!" She said, with a pleading voice. She was embarrassed to admit that in front of the Princess.
"Seems you and you're friends are very beat up... What happened?" The Princess asked, tilting her head.
It was at this time, all the ponies started to wake up. The all shoke their head, looking at the Princess, surprised.
"Princess Luna!" Fluttershy said, lightly pushing off RainbowDash's wing off her, waking RainbowDash up. "What are you doing here?" She asked.
"I was just flying by and saw the smoke." She paused, looking to everypony.
"Oh thank goodness you're here Princess! I can't stand another day out in all this nature! It's been days since I've had a hoofacure!" Rarity said, kneeling at the Princess's hooves.
Luna lightly giggled, covering her mouth. "Now, now my little ponies. I'll get you all home." She spread her wings, looking up to the sky, noticing the trees.
"Oh.. Of course we have to walk a bit to find a clear spot to take flight." She lightly blushed, starting to walk.
RainbowDashe's hooves were hurting more then yesterday. Every time she moved, they burned and streched. As for her wings, they stung, but not too bad.
RainbowDash wrapped her burnt wing around Fluttershy, slowly walking with her. Fluttershy kept her pace slow, so RainbowDash could keep up. She wrapped her wing around RainbowDash, nuzzling into her fur as they walked.
"So, you messed up on a spell Twilight Sparkle.." Luna began, walking beside her. "What spell was it?" She asked.
"Well, it was a spell that allowed ponies to see the past and future." She paused, blushing. "I don't know how I messed up this badly."
"Everypony makes mistakes. It's just rotton luck that it brought you here. Most of my magic is also countered here. That's why no pony comes here." Luna explained, keeping her pace slow.
"I see you're pony friends have forgiven you. " Luna lightly smiled, glancing at RainbowDash and Fluttershy. "And maybe this was ment to happen. It looks like two of you're friends found true love with one another."
Twilight glanced back, seeing the two mares cuddling together, walking side by side. "Maybe this was meant to be." Twilight guess, lightly shrugging. "Just dumb luck some of us got hurt."
"TimberWolves are unforgiving and brutal. I'm glad you escaped them, without anypony being hurt beyond hope." Luna gave a re assuring smile.
Everypony reached a clearing in the woods, the sun shined into the ponies faces, almost blinding them. It had been so long since they had saw the sun shine, and the clear skys.
Luna bowed her head, closing her eyes. She made a spell, granting the unicorns and earth ponies wings. She opened her eyes, smiling.
"I'll lead you home everpony." She said, taking wind.
Since that day, Twilight had practiced spells, leading up to the bigger ones, to make sure a mishap like this never happened.
As for Fluttershy and RainbowDash? They stayed together happily, spending time and time again together.
THE END...
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it was stil lgood.
Nice and short story :D
Funny how I found a flutterdash picture over google images, then it lead me here.
Don't feel bad about the ending. i think this was very well done first attempt at writing. Nopony can expect to have command over literary skills their first time around. Practice makes perfect.
Now, don't let the following criticism hurt your view of your story. By no means is it a bad story. It had great elements, and a nice touching storyline. The character complexity was decent, which is incredible for a first attempt. That being said, I hope you don't mind me giving my two cents on where you can improve.
Transitions are your best friends. Your story had excellent plot elements, but the flow wasn't the best. At times, it felt like story jumps were being made. People don't often realise the importance of the in-betweens, but in reality the in-betweens can be one of the most important things. Each time a new scene is about to begin, try and describe the setting a bit. Transitions are the time where you clear out the previous scene and make way for the new one. Ending a scene doesn't need to be that lengthy. It just needs to wrap up the deal, so ending a scene can be as easy as "Rainbow Dash went to bed," along with a brief description of the character's state of mind. You did this very nicely. The issue in your transitions lies in the way you start a new scene. When there's a jump ahead, it is important to describe the environment and mood in which the next scene will occur. You don't have to use overly fancy words. Just the bare minimum needed to paint a workable picture in the reader's head.
Speaking of words, let's talk about the technical side of things. Now, I have seen far worse grammar and spelling than that which is found in this story. Errors were minor, but there were still errors. Don't be afraid to copy and paste it into word to get a spell-check going. When a spelling mistake is made, the brain needs to divert some energy to correct it, therefore drawing resources away from the context of the reading. So, always proofread.
Regarding exposition, you did a decent job of summing up character backgrounds very briefly, and as I said above, you showed decent character complexity for a first writing. But there was some level of incompleteness of characterisation. In the story, you depicted RD as a kind of bossy leader figure. And while that characterisation makes sense with what we know about RD, it would have been nice to know how this character trait suddenly came to the forefront of RD's character, as opposed to something which was implicit. But other than that, RD was done nicely.
Fluttershy, however, could have used some work. In the story, FS seems to be uncharacteristically confident and strong at times. We don't learn how she suddenly overcame the inhibitions which she has always had. Also, you mention Fluttershy's past, but don't go into detail. And this was my biggest pet peeve while reading. You set us up to learn something interesting about Fluttershy, conveying that there is some deep secret to who she is now, but do not cover what that trait is. You kind of served the ball properly, but somepony forgot to spike it over the net. There was potential here for an interesting back-story, but you kinda just let the ball drop. But, I can tell that you clearly had brilliant plans for Fluttershy's character. My guess is, you had brilliant ideas, but didn't know how to implement them without deviating from the main plot. I have suffered this issue myself in my recent writings. I start the ball rolling on something, but then I go "whoa, this will take the story in a completely different direction," and drop it, for fear that I will skew the primary plot. But in the future, don't be afraid to take a literary risk like that. Sometimes, it is better to just roll with the thoughts that come out of your head. Artistic inspiration is fickle, and if squandered, the overall vision can be lost.
So, I know it sounds like I've been kinda harsh, but don't think for a second that you did a bad job. It was an entertaining story to read, and touched my feels nicely. I just saw some mistakes that I've made in the past, and wanted to share how I overcame the issues. In the end, I am sure that your artistic prowess will show in its full brilliance, one way or another. You have loads of potential as a writer, and have a promising start. I just wanted to share my thoughts, in the hope that they can help you reach your potential faster than through trial and error. Keep writing! Practice makes perfect. I can't wait to read more of your stuff!
So awesome! And I really loved it don't worry about it being you're first! Everypony makes mistakes! Ok? So just for the record this is a fic I'd always come back and read!
3482336 wow I ever wrote a fanfic I'm asking you to criticize! Okay. Well actually I'm working on a one chapter right now!
I SHIP FLUTTERDASH SO MUCH LOVE THIS STORY