After PinkiePie's Father and Mother fall ill, PinkiePie asks AppleJack to come with her to help with the rock farm. Staying with PinkiePie for a few weeks, taking long walks with her, finding out that PinkiePie isn't all fun and carefree, she begins to have confusing feelings toward her, that she can't seem to come into terms with. Not wanting to scare PinkiePie off, she starts to shelter herself from her, not knowing that PinkiePie has had the same feelings toward her for years.
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Hello, I'm your friendly neighbourhood
Spider-ManSymphony, here to point out some things to improve your fic. Let's start with the description, eh?Gee,
Batman, we seem to have a few issues here. Red indicates something I feel to be wrong. It can be both capitilization errors or other nitpicks.It was just some small modifications. I'm not super at pointing out grammar flaws, but it looks good to me. Please note that I can be terribly wrong...
Now, onto the story! First thing I noticed was this:
I feel as if it was an unnecessary amount of commas there as well.
I notice that you have some issues with spacing the names of the ponies from time to time, it's nothing major, but it's worth pointing out. Remember, Rainbow Dash is spaced. Pinkie Pie is also spaced, and Applejack is just one word without a capitilized J. Also, CloudsDale should be Cloudsdale.
Remember, you're means you are, when your is possessive. This is your story, as an example.
There were a few more mistakes littered here and there, so I suggest that you get yourself a pre-reader to help you make the most out of your story. Good luck with future chapter and remember, I wrote this to help you improve.
Have a good day now! /Symphony
1852572 Hehe Thanks. I haven't been that good at grammar etc. Thanks for the help!
This story has caught my attention. I hope you keep working on it. I look forward to reading more. Good luck!
What Symphony said. A pre-reader will help immensely with spelling/grammar mistakes, and they can help point out odd phrasing or out-of-character moments as well. I recommend going to Proofreaders and People Willing to Proofread; there they have a whole list of people available and willing to help. This story has potential; it's built on a few good ideas, and it would be a shame for it to be sunk under the weight of silly, easy to fix capitalization and spelling errors.
Now, on to the story itself. First of all, congratulations on avoiding a mistake many new writers make; you kept the pacing in check so far, not really rushing into the romance. You put in nice hints that Applejack cares for Pinkie, but she isn't falling over herself pining for her. So many writers push too hard, too early in terms of demonstrating that the tagged characters have feelings for one another. It is refreshing to see you can take your time with it.
It's an interesting angle to try and connect Pinkie and Applejack through their family bonds and shared rural heritage. I wanted to explore more of Pinkie's past on the rock farm in my own Apple Pie story, but the plot never ended up going in that direction, so I'm glad to see someone is taking that path. I'll be interested to see what you do with it.
I am curious, why did you decide to make the opening from Rainbow Dash's point of view? It doesn't detract from the story at all, but it seems an odd choice, considering she doesn't have much direct relevance to the initial events of the story. Playing around with POV can be fun, but it's best if you have a reason to do it.
One final note here is on characterization. Specifically, Pinkie's. Pinkie can be deceptively hard to write in character for; there's more to her than the bubbly exterior she usually portrays. Maintaining consistent characterization for the pink pony can and will make or break a ship featuring her. Now, in context, it makes sense that Pinkie would not be especially jovial when she appears at the end of the chapter. Her parents are ill--gravely so, it is implied--and that is a good reason to take a bit of bounce out of her step. However, it is terrible for characterization for that to be her first appearance. Everypony ought to be at their most standard, character-neutral state when they first appear in the story, so when emotional changes occur, the reader has a reference point to judge those changes from.
If I were writing this, I would write another scene at the very beginning that takes place before Pinkie is called away to the rock farm, so that readers could see Pinkie being, well, Pinkie before life starts throwing her a nasty curveball. It wouldn't have to be very long, or very important. Maybe the girls are at their weekly pet playdate, and we see Pinkie playing with Gummy when the mail carrier arrives and gives her a letter. Something to show her in her natural state before things get shaken up.
I am tracking this because a) I am the founder of the Apple Pie group, and feel I ought to keep track of any Apple Pie fics that come across my radar, and b) this story could be very good, if you can get a pre-reader to help you clean it up. Good luck, and keep writing!
EDIT: Ah! I just remembered one more thing to note! You give away too much in the story description. It would be better if all the description told the reader was that after going to help Pinkie on the rock farm, AJ sees a side of Pinkie she hadn't before. Readers can still see the [Romance] tag and guess where that leads, but it leaves more up to the imagination, and that is a good thing for descriptions.
Tracking, and will read when there's more.
I don't think anyone's ever used the rock farm as a story point...... I must see where this goes. We always need more ApplePie.
This story is good so far, and I can wait to see what happens next. You are doing well. A little sad right now, but still good.
1856623 I'm glad you like it so far! It will slowly become happy, it's not all going to be sad! :p
1855789 I agree. Though my favorite paring is Rarity and Applejack, I still really appreciated Applepie as my second favorite! :D
I was originally going to have it set in Ponyville, but decided to make it a bit more dramatic, and thought about it for a few days, and came up with this story! :D
1853257 Glad you like it
I can help you as a pre-reader!
I'd be happy to help you.
1853201 I like to keep it slow, and add a bit of adventure and suspence to it. I don't quite enjoy stories that just jump into the romance. I usually wait awhile before I move into the deep romance.
Theres a bit of a reason why I started from Rainbow Dash's point of view, which will become clear in the chapters to come :p
I agree that Pinkie Pie is VERY hard to write, that is why it's going to take me awhile to post chapters, because I've already edited these two so many times, because I didn't like Pinkie Pie's actions / words because I didn't think she would necessarily act / talk like that.
As for her being introduced as sad, I didn't really think about it that way. I couln't think how I could introduce her, being happy, yet still being sad and worried. Didn't really come to mind.
As for the description, I will edit that! XD Thanks for the heads up!
1856639 Really? Oh my gosh thank you so much
1856648 All you need to do is PM me the password and the link to each new chapter you write before you publish it. Then i'll PM you the feedback and little bits of mistakes. I pinkie promise I won't tell anyone the password. Remember to PM me next time you write a chapter!
1856670 Alright! Thanks so so so much!!
1856681 Anytime. Tell me if you'd like any more support...or something. I'm not saying that you're bad. Yeah, that sentence came out wrong.
1856689 Hehe ^^ I will. Thanks again
Omc this fic is pretty much interresting we need moar pwez
You might wanna make those grammar changes to the first chapter too.
1877999
me too!
In one section u spelled Pinkie Pie 'Pinnkie Pie' : " "Just fine deary. Just getting ready for the storm that's a - brewing." Mrs.Cake said with a smile. Mrs. Cake was always cheerful, just like Pinkie Pie. Maybe that's why they took Pinkie Pie into their home, and adopted them as a daughter. Mrs. Cake had the same attitude as Pinnkie Pie, though she was more mature, and a bit more serious then her. " But I liked it very much, please finish soon!