When Twilight is given the choice of staying or letting Spike bring the crystal heart, she chose the wrong choice; Doing nothing. All because of this, King Sombra takes over the Crystal Empire and the Mane 6, Spike, Princess Cadence, Shining Armor, and Princesses Celestia and Luna are in big trouble.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I have to say some things immediately:
a)New speaker means new paragraph.
b)Create a clear, solid line between thoughts, actions, and speech. So, have something like-- Oh, no, she can't! "Run," Twilight screamed out.-- instead of-- Oh, no, she can't! "Run," Twilight screamed out.
c)Avoid wall-of-text paragraphs like these. Break them up so that they seem concentrated in a way that flows from character to character.
d)Watch for punctuation as well as spelling. For example, the part-- All around them huge crystals were acsending from the ground, trapping whoever they could find. Including Pinkie Pie.-- would look better as-- All around them, huge crystals ascended from the ground- trapping whoever they could find, including Pinkie Pie.
This isn't too bad written, don't get me wrong, but I feel like you really, really need to work on a bunch of things in your prose. Good luck on that.
I'll try to, sorry I'm really bad at that sort of thing
Chapter 2 please
Long live this mothafuckin king
Thank for killing princess cadence you sir have made my Christmas holiday the best one yet.
What now ozonk
That story so far is so emotional. The way you used the text almost made me cry, ALMOST.
You really messed up with the story. People seem to forget that spike is f****** invincible I mean literally he can tank anything. Here's a little info someone dug up. Spike’s jaw pressure can casually shatter items rating 9 on the Moh’s scale. For reference, that is the rating of Ruby and Sapphire. Diamond is 10. The pressure needed to crack either ruby or sapphire is roughly around 4,351 PSI. That’s just to CRACK the gemstone, that’s not what is required to break it, much less grind it into a fine powder. For comparison, a 12 foot long Nile Crocodile’s max bite force is clocked in at 5,000 PSI At this pressure, broken teeth and jaw damage is highly likely. Spike is less than two feet tall and exhibits close to that bite force CASUALLY with no damage to his teeth or jaws. Spike’s fire also is in excess of temperatures of 2,800 degrees F/1,538 degrees C, strong enough to melt iron in less than a second. So yeah Spike really want to have been hurt by a crystal piercing anywhere on his body because it wouldn't even be able to get past his scales. At most it would leave a dent or a scratch on the scale that hit.