Lyra - Fimfiction

Lyra

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When Twilight gets bullied at her school, a filly named Lyra Heartstrings helps her, and they quickly become friends. But when Twilight gets accepted to be Princess Celestia's student, she has to leave her new friend behind

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hawthornbunny

hawthornbunny #1 · Dec 22nd, 2012 · · ·

It's okay, and I like the idea, but it needs a bit of work.

The most obvious problem is the tense - present tense is unusual for a story, and you seem to be having trouble yourself sticking to it, because there are points where you slip back into past tense. You're much better off sticking to past tense completely - there's rarely ever a reason to use present tense in a story, and it can be quite off-putting to some.

I'd also recommend using block paragraphs (each paragraph separated by a blank line) rather than your indented style. Block paragraphs are much easier to read, especially on a screen. Indented style tends only to be used on paper these days.

Finally, one thing that would improve this is more detail. It's very rushed - there's a whole conversation that could be had at the kitchen table, so that we get to see more of Twilight's relationship with her brother and mother, her feelings, etc. It jumps straight from breakfast to school, which is slightly jarring, and again, a missed opportunity to see Twilight and Shining Armor walk to school (or did they get the school cart? We don't know, because we don't know anything about where the school is, or what kind it is.)

Aside from that, I do like your Lyra, and the idea of her being schoolfriends with Twilight could be interesting. :)

sharpshadow

sharpshadow #2 · Dec 22nd, 2012 · · ·

Maybe it should say "thrown inside of a locker" instead of "throws her into a locker...". To me, it sound like Twilight was slammed against it, instead of put inside of it.

englishwitch