Shadow of the Sun
By Starwin
Chapter 1
It had been a terrible idea. How could she have possibly agreed to something like this? They had seemed so innocent and curious. Their motives sincere and their interest genuine. Now, however, Twilight Sparkle seriously questioned how she had let three school aged fillies talk her into ‘helping out’ in her library.
Apple Bloom and her two friends Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, meant well, at least, Twilight thought that they did. They were always rushing around, trying something new to earn their cutie marks. The problem was, they always seemed to pick something very opposite to their nature.
At first, Twilight had been excited to help the girls become Cutie Mark Crusader Librarians. That enthusiasm had left her less than ten minutes later. For the last half hour she had been racing around, trying to stop the three fillies from destroying her library.
A horrendous crash from the far end of the room halted Twilight in her tracks. She looked over just in time to see a whole collection of books topple down onto Scootaloo. The young filly was buried in a small avalanche of fairytales, with only her head poking out from under the pile.
Twilight hurried towards the filly, dropping the books she had been moving back to biography from biology, where Apple Bloom had mistakenly stuck them. Her horn began to glow as she rushed to Scootaloo’s aid. Using her unicorn magic, Twilight levitated the books off of the tiny orange pegasus and back onto the shelves.
“Scootaloo, are you alright?” asked Twilight in concern. “What happened?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” replied Scootaloo as she climbed back to her hooves and brushed herself off. “I was trying to put this book back on the top shelf but I slipped and all the books tumbled down on me.” Scootaloo held up the book she had been trying to return.
“Scootaloo, we have a ladder for that,” said Twilight in frustration. Her horn glowed again and the rolling ladder zoomed around the library to stop next to the two ponies. “Also, that book is fantasy, not fairytales. It goes over there,” explained Twilight as she pointed to a shelf across the library.
“Oh,” said Scootaloo in confusion, “aren’t fairytales, fantasy?”
Twilight opened her mouth to explain the difference but was interrupted as she felt a tug at her side. Glancing behind her Twilight found a small white unicorn with a curly pink and purple mane looking innocently up at her and instantly knew that no good could come of this.
“Yes, Sweetie?” asked Twilight, dreading what might be wrong now.
“Um, are your books supposed to be on fire?” asked Sweetie. Twilight’s eyes widened as Sweetie pointed to a book that had burst into flames.
“I… what… but how?” stammered Twilight as she rushed over to put out the tiny fire.
In all the chaos, Twilight didn’t hear the knock at the door nor did she notice when a powder blue pegasus made her way into the library. Twilight was just getting the flames under control when the pegasus called her name and made her jump.
“Oh, Rainbow Dash!” exclaimed Twilight. “Thank goodness, for a second I thought you were another…” a second crash from the far end of the library interrupted Twilight.
“Oops, my bad,” called Scootaloo. Twilight let out a sigh and dropped her face into her hoof.
“If they ask you to be Cutie Mark Crusader Weather Ponies, tell them no,” whispered Twilight. It was then that Twilight saw the expression on Rainbow Dash’s face. “Rainbow, what’s wrong?”
“Oh, weather ponies! That’s a great idea!” said Applebloom in the background. Twilight gave an involuntary twitch.
“I didn’t know where else to go or who to tell,” said Rainbow Dash, her whole body shaking. Twilight had never seen her friend like this, it wasn’t just panic in her eyes, it was fear. “I think something is wrong with the sun.”
“What do you mean, ‘wrong with the Sun?’” asked Twilight in concern. Rainbow Dash ran a nervous hoof through her hair before she answered. Twilight heard the patter of small hooves as the three fillies approached to listen in.
“The Sun,” continued Rainbow Dash. “I think the Sun has stopped moving.”
“What? That’s impossible, the Sun can’t just stop moving,” replied Twilight in a disbelieving tone.
“Look!” cried Rainbow Dash desperately. She pointed out the door behind her, gesturing up towards the sky. “Look at the Sun!”
Twilight took a step outside and shaded her eyes with a hoof as she glanced upwards. It was a bright blue day with a scant few clouds in the sky. The Sun was at its pinnacle but Twilight couldn’t tell if it was moving or not. From what she could see, there didn’t appear to be anything wrong.
“I can’t really tell,” said Twilight. “How do you know it’s stopped?”
“I went to take my noonday nap,” explained Rainbow. “But when I got up it was still noon. And I’m not the only pony who’s noticed, the whole town’s in a panic about it.”
“I suppose I could run some experiments,” muttered Twilight to herself. “My astronomy equipment is upstairs…”
“Oh, oh,” said Sweetie Belle. “Let us help, we could be Cutie Mark Crusader Astrologist!” Twilight Sparkle looked horror struck at the idea of letting the three fillies anywhere near her astronomy equipment.
“We don’t have time for that!” exclaimed Rainbow. “We have to send a letter to Princess Celestia and find out what’s going on!”
“Oh, you’re right, that’s a great idea,” said Twilight. “Spike!” called Twilight. Her voice echoed through the library but no answer came. “Spike!”
“Uh, he ain’t here,” said Apple Bloom raising a confused eyebrow at Twilight. Both Rainbow and Twilight looked down at the little filly. “Don’t ya’ll remember? You said he could have the day off when you agreed to let us be your assistants.” Twilight’s eye twitched again.
“Yes, I did, didn’t I,” said Twilight, letting out a nervous laugh. “I’d completely forgotten.”
“Well, we need to find him,” said Rainbow. “Where do you think he’s gone off to?”
“Oh that’s easy,” answered Sweetie Belle. Everypony looked at her. “He probably went the same place he always goes, Carousel Boutique.”
“Oh course, I should have guessed,” sighed Twilight, rolling her eyes. “Come on Rainbow, let’s go get him.” The two mares turned to leave but a small voice stopped them.
“What… what should we do?” asked Scootaloo. Rainbow and Twilight glanced at each other then back at the three little fillies.
“I think it’s best if you three wait here for now,” said Rainbow Dash. “At least until we know more about what’s going on.”
“I also have an important job for you,” added Twilight.
“It isn’t cleaning up the library, is it?” asked Scootaloo. “Because I don’t think we’re cut out to be Cutie Mark Crusader Librarians.” Twilight couldn’t agree more, but didn’t want to hurt the three fillies’ feelings.
“No, it isn’t cleaning the library,” answered Twilight. “If Spike gets back before us, I need you to have him send a letter Princess Celestia right away. Can you do that?” The three fillies saluted.
“Ya got it!” said Applebloom. “Cutie Mark Crusaders are on the job!”
“Alright Rainbow, let’s go!” said Twilight. The two mares hurried out the door but Twilight poked her head back in. “Seriously though, don’t touch anything else.”
Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash galloped as fast as they could through the streets of Ponyville. The town seemed unusually empty. Sale carts sat vacant, no fillies were out playing. It almost felt like the town had been abandoned.
Rarity’s Boutique wasn’t far away, at their current pace, it would only take a few minutes to get there. Twilight couldn’t help but glance up at the Sun every now and again. Rainbow was right, it didn’t seem to be moving at all. The more Twilight looked, the more worried she became. She didn’t like the implications of what a stationary Sun meant.
It was unpleasantly hot as they reached the shop. Twilight was thankful to get inside. The downstairs clothing shop appeared to be deserted. Bolts of fabric lay on the floor where they had been dropped. Several mannequins sat with loose threads hanging off them. Rarity very rarely left her shop in such a condition.
“Rarity!” called Rainbow Dash. “Spike!” No answer came. It appeared that both of them had left. “They must have gone to the Town Hall. That’s where most ponies seemed to be going when I was headed over to your house.”
“Then that’s where we need to go too!” said Twilight.
Without waiting another moment, Twilight and Rainbow rushed out the door, galloping for the center of town. Twilight was worried, they weren’t getting answers fast enough. With Spike missing, the one pony that could shed some light on what was happening was unreachable.
By the time the two of them arrived at the town center, Twilight could feel the heat rising up from the ground. Whatever was going on was getting worse, much quicker than Twilight would have hoped.
“Please, everypony! Please just calm down!” pleaded the Mayor of Ponyville. She was standing up behind her podium, trying to bring some order to the mass of panicked citizens.
There were dozens and dozens of ponies in the enormous crowd. Twilight could hear unease building in their whispers. If she couldn’t get word from the Princess soon, things were going to get a lot worse.
“How can we calm down!” cried a pony in the crowd. “Look at the Sun! It hasn’t moved for hours! What if it never moves again!” There were echoed jeers of discontent from the on lookers.
“Excuse me,” said Twilight Sparkle trying to get past. Some of the ponies turned to look at her.
“It’s Twilight Sparkle!” exclaimed a pony. “She’ll know what to do!”
“Yeah, ask her! She’s Celestia’s student!” shouted another.
Twilight felt her cheeks warm in embarrassment. The mass of ponies pressed towards her, seeking answers she didn’t have for them.
“What’s going on?” demanded a yellow mare.
“What’s happening?” asked a dark brown colt.
“Is the Sun ever going to move again?” whimpered a little frightened filly.
“Do you like my hat?”
“Pinkie?” asked Twilight. She turned to glance at the pink pony who had poked her head out of the crowd. Atop her head was a bright yellow sun hat. It hurt Twilight’s eyes to look at it.
“Uh, it’s very nice,” said Twilight. “Have you seen Spike?”
“Yep, I sure have!” replied Pinkie Pie.
“Fantastic! Where is he?” asked Twilight in desperation.
“Some place over there,” said Pinkie. She waved a hoof towards the sea of ponies, many of whom were staring at Twilight, expecting a miracle from her.
“You couldn’t be just a little more specific, could you?” asked Twilight. Her eyes searched the crowd, unable to see anything resembling Spike.
“Nope,” said Pinkie Pie and with that, she vanished.
“Naturally,” said Twilight with a sigh. “Excuse me.” She forced herself into the crowd, squeezing between ponies that seemed reluctant to let her pass without getting an answer.
“Let me see if I can spot him!” said Rainbow Dash. With a flap of her wings she leapt up into the air. She held a hoof up to her eyes and scanned the crowd. “I see him, he’s over there!” Rainbow called down. She pointed a hoof off towards a spot that Twilight couldn’t see.
“Pardon me!” said Twilight, becoming a little irritated that the others wouldn’t part to let her through. When the ponies in front of her still didn’t move, Twilight let out a huff of frustration. “Oh, we don’t have time for this!” exclaimed Twilight at last. She closed her eyes and focused as her horn began to glow.
With a flash and a pop, Twilight vanished. She used her magic to teleport past the crowd and up onto the stage. From her new vantage point she was able to spot Spike, standing alongside Rarity of course.
Twilight’s horn glowed again. A bubble of magic wrapped around the small purple dragon and lifted him up into the air. He floated over the heads of the other ponies before finally coming to a stop along side Twilight.
“Spike, at last,” sighed Twilight in relief. She was still holding Spike aloft with her magic so that he was eye-level with her. “I need to send a letter to Celestia immediately!”
“Uh, actually, she already sent you one,” said Spike, looking a little embarrassed. He squirmed uncomfortably in Twilight’s magical grip. “I have it in my bag.” He struggled to reach it but in the weightless space of Twilight’s magic he only managed to spin around. Twilight lowered him gently down to the wooden platform and released him from the spell.
Spike rummaged around in his bag before pulling out a white scroll with a golden seal. It looked just like every other letter Twilight had ever gotten from her mentor. Twilight didn’t know why but she had somehow expected it to look different, more important in someway.
“It arrived while I was uh… out,” said Spike, with a slight blush. “I was totally going to give it to you when I got back! But then everypony started panicking and I wanted to see what was going on… and…”
“It’s alright, Spike,” said Twilight. She levitated the message out of Spike’s claws. Twilight broke the seal and unfurled the letter. Quickly her eyes scanned across the page. As she read she frowned with concern.
“What does it say!” shouted a pony from the crowd.
“Yes! Tell us!” cried another pony.
“What’s wrong! What’s happened!” pleaded a desperate mare.
Twilight rolled the letter up and pushed it safely back into Spike’s bag.
“Ponies, please,” said Twilight, raising her voice for all to hear. The gathered ponies quieted a little. “I have received instructions from Princess Celestia. She has placed me in charge of making sure everypony in Ponyville is safe while she works to fix the Sun.”
There was a murmur of uncertainty from the crowd.
“I know you’re frightened,” continued Twilight, “but now is not the time for fear. We must act as quickly as possible. This heat is only going to get worse. But, if you all listen to me, we can bring this situation under control.”
Some of the crowd nodded their approval and Twilight took this as a sign to continue.
“We can’t stay out in this heat. We need to go someplace where it’s cooler. If you have a cellar, then I want you to go down into it. Bring as much food and water as you can.
“If you do not have a home with a cellar, find a family that does and stay with them until this crisis is over. Do not leave your homes. I will provide you with more information when there is more.
“These are instructions from Celestia!” said Twilight, mustering as much authority in her voice as she could manage. “Please, go home, make yourself and your family safe. That is all we can do right now.”
This seemed to appease most of the gathered crowd. Either because they believed Twilight or because the heat was becoming too much for them, the ponies began to disperse. While most of the ponies were trotting away from Twilight, five of them made their way towards her.
“Well, I’m glad Celestia put you in charge,” said the Mayor. “I have no idea what to do in situations like this. Uh… what exactly should I do?”
“Just like everypony else, go home and go to your cellar,” said Twilight. The Mayor nodded before galloping off.
Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash all gathered up on stage with Twilight as the crowd continued to thin.
“Wow, that was totally amazing!” said Pinkie Pie. Her bright yellow hat was still unpleasant to look at. Rarity’s eyes widened at the sight of the hat but she didn’t comment on it. “I’ve never seen you talk like that before. You almost sounded like Celestia! You were so strong, so assertive, so…”
“Lying,” said Applejack her unhappy glare fixed on Twilight. “Y'all lied to them, didn’t you?” Twilight looked away, all but confirming Applejacks accusation.
“So Celestia didn’t put you in charge?” asked Fluttershy softly.
“And she didn’t tell everypony to hide in their cellars?” asked Rarity.
“No,” said Twilight. “The letter didn’t say any of those things. That was all me. I had to do something. They needed to get indoors. Not be out here in a panic.”
“What do you mean?” asked Rainbow Dash. “Why don’t you want them to be out here?" Twilight ran a foreleg across her brow.
“Can’t you feel how hot it’s getting?” asked Twilight. “At first I thought it was just because we were galloping around so much but that’s not it.”
“Now that you mention it, I am feeling a little flustered,” said Rarity.
“I think it’s going to get a lot hotter, a lot quicker,” said Twilight. “I needed to get everypony out of this sun.”
“And I think we had better do the same,” said Rarity. “It seems to be getting hotter by the second!” Rarity was right, Twilight felt like she was starting to burn.
“The library is closest,” said Twilight. Her horn glowed and she levitated Spike up onto her back. “Let’s hurry there and we can figure out what we’re going to do!” Without wasting another moment the friends galloped off, making for the library as quickly as they could.
By the time they reached the library, the Sun was blazing down on them with an intensity that Twilight had never felt before. The moment everypony was inside, she closed the door solidly behind them. It was still hot but not the burning hot of the outside.
“You’re back!” cried three small voices. Twilight turned just in time to see the three little filly rush past her. Applebloom ran to her big sister and embraced her in a hug. Sweetie Belle did the same. Scootaloo stopped just short of Rainbow Dash, unsure what to do but clearly longing for the same kind of reassurance as her friends.
“Uh, hey there kid,” said Rainbow nervously, giving Scootaloo’s head a rub.
“We were worried you weren’t coming back!” said Sweetie Belle, her eyes welling up with tears.
“There, there,” said Rarity comfortingly. “We’re here, everything is fine now.”
“I don’t think anything is fine,” said Twilight seriously, letting Spike down from her back.
“Alright Twilight,” said Applejack. “I think y'all owe us some answers. Just what the hay did that letter say?”
Twilight looked at her friends. They were all staring at her, expecting answers just like the crowd had wanted. Answers she didn’t have for them. However, she wasn’t going to lie to her friends.
With her magic, Twilight lifted the letter out of Spike’s bag and unfurled it.
“This is the real message Celestia sent to me,” said Twilight. She turned the parchment around so that her friends could read it. The message was very, very short.
‘Whatever happens, do not come to Canterlot.’ It was unsigned.
“That’s… That’s it?” asked Applejack, her eyes scanning over the blank page, making sure she hadn’t missed something.
“That’s it,” said Twilight. She rolled the parchment back up and tucked it away. “She didn’t address it or sign it but I recognized her hoofwriting. Something must have happened in Canterlot. Something must have happened to…” Twilight broke off and looked away, unable to speak her fears.
“So, we just need to send a letter to her and ask,” said Rarity calmly. “I’m sure that should clear things up right away.”
“Right,” said Twilight with a nod. Yet, there was something in her voice that sounded like uncertainty. Normally, Twilight would have asked Spike to write the letter but she did it herself. She described the situation and asked for further instruction.
When the letter was completed, she signed and sealed it before levitating the rolled up message over to Spike. The baby dragon held the scroll in his claw and blew his magical flame at it.
His fire breath acted as magical transport, carrying messages to and from Princess Celestia. However, that was not what happened this time. The flame engulfed the parchment and it began to burn in his hand. With a cry of surprise, Spike dropped the letter and Applejack sprung forward. With quick hooves she stamped out the flames before they could spread.
“Spike!” cried Twilight in distress. “What are you doing?”
“I’m sorry Twilight!” said Spike in surprise. “I don’t know what happened! I tried to send it, just like always but… but it didn’t work!”
Hurriedly, Twilight rushed back over to her table and wrote a second, much more brief, letter. She signed it and sealed it again, before giving it to Spike.
“Try again,” insisted Twilight. Applejack stood by, ready to stamp out another blaze. Spike took a deep breath and blew. But this time, only the faintest gasp of flame escaped his mouth. The fire was not even enough to singe the paper. “Again!” Spike blew again but to much the same results. “Again!” shouted Twilight.
“Twilight,” said Rarity sternly. “That is enough! You don’t have to shout at Spike.” Twilight glared at Rarity and there was something like insanity behind her eyes. Then Twilight blinked and looked away ashamed.
“I’m sorry,” whispered Twilight before collapsing down into a heap on the floor. “I don’t know what to do now... I thought we would at least be able to send a letter.”
“Well, if we can’t send one, we’ll just have to go ourselves,” said Applejack.
“Um, hello?” said Pinkie Pie, waving a hoof in front of Applejack. “Didn’t you read the letter form Celestia. It said ‘Do not come to Canterlot!’”
“So what?” said Rainbow Dash. “I say we go anyhow. Something is wrong and we need to find out what!”
“But we can’t go even if we wanted to,” said Fluttershy softly, everypony turned to look at her. “Sorry.”
“What do you mean we can’t go?” asked Rainbow Dash moving slightly closer to the yellow pegasus. Fluttershy shrunk away. “Sure we can!”
“No,” said Twilight, not looking up from her spot on the ground. “We can’t.”
“Just because some piece of paper says we can’t!” exclaimed Applejack. “Maybe the Princess didn’t know she would need our help! Maybe she figured we’d still be able to send her letters. Maybe…”
“That doesn’t matter,” interrupted Twilight. “We can’t go because there's no way for us to get there.”
“What do you mean?” asked Applejack.
“Canterlot is two days away at a gallop,” answered Fluttershy. “Even flying it’s nearly a full day’s journey. If Twilight's right and this heat's going to get worse, then there's no way we could make it there.”
“I think my magic could shield us from the Sun,” said Twilight a little despondently. “But not galloping and not for two days straight. So we can’t go, because, we can’t.”
“So… so what do we do then?” asked Rainbow Dash, sounding a little defeated. The reality of their situation was at last starting to sink in.
“Oh, oh, I know, I know!” said Pinkie Pie bouncing up and down and waving a hoof in the air.
“I don’t see how a party is going to improve things Pinkie,” said Applejack, rolling her eyes.
“A party? No, don’t be silly!” said Pinkie Pie. “We need to help as many ponies in Ponyville as we can. If we can’t go to Canterlot, then we need to do the best we can do, here.”
“Pinkie's right,” said Twilight, slowly getting back up to her hooves. Some of her determination was returning. “We need to help however we can, until all this is over.”
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Okay, I've calmed down and read the synopsis. This is being read IMMEDIATELY after I've finished what I'm doing. Expect a short review(
with spoilers), as is customary for when I get a FIRST!Post Read
Nevermind.... Very good chapter, but i don't feel inspired enough to go through with it. I'll just give the highlights.
-Awesome characterization. You are capturing the Mane 6 pretty well here, even better than in your other story.
-Pretty good vanilla. This chapter, at least, felt like it could have happened in an episode. I can see the direction is going to quickly go away from that, but it's pretty cool to open like that.
Interesting... Will have to read later...
I think you forgot a couple words...
Anyhow, I'm just finishing The Empty Room and I'll be reading this next.
New fic!
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_md0ctxOp1n1rpb34po1_500.png
dang nab it, now I want to know more!
1786593 What?! Where?!
i.imgur.com/KzTuo.gif
How is this # 2 in the featured box? It only has seven thumbs up! MY story has more than that!
Ah, there we go. Send a letter to Luna and have her cause an eclipse.
Problem solved
Sun stopped moving? Quick everypony make for the Twilight Zone!
"There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to-"
Not that twilight zone! The one between night and day, where you will be able to stay cool without freezing.
1787274
Because the feature box works on an algorithm that takes multiple factors into account, including time sensitive ones.
As alwais Twilight get very little information to work out with.
The worse case scenario, Celestia got corupted and want to keep Twilight away until she burn in the sun or someone else send false letter to make sure they would not interfere.
Mane 6 realy get very little informations from Celestia on they missions, it is miracle they are still alive.
Hmmm...
4.bp.blogspot.com/-94VWahxq2QU/TdwFfFO2t8I/AAAAAAAAAJA/mmKEtAvI1gc/s1600/peter+griffin+-+go+on...++%25281%2529.jpg
Question: Why can't they take the train?
MMmmmmmm ... Luna tags with no Luna.
Do not disappoint us in chapter two. Thou would not likest us when we art enraged.
Now that's a story concept I've never seen before. Looking forward to reading.
Bearers of the Elements of Harmony.... face your future!
More!!!!!!!!
Looks promising! I await the next chap!
An apocalyptic story? Yes please!
"“I know you’re frightened,” continued Twilight. “But now is not the time for fear." That comes later. :banemask:
Good......good...... embrace your hatred
What?
definetly a read later.
btw, AUDIOSLAVE TITLE!!!!!
1788036 Logic is overrated
I swear I've read that scene where Spike fails to send a letter to Celestia before.
Might as well put this in the Lunaverse group, or something similar.
Anyway, I look forward to reading it (tomorrow).
Seems good so far. Two spelling/grammar issues though. The first is that you keep saying "Sweetie Bell" instead of "Sweetie Belle". There's an "e" at the end. The second is that you refer to the CMC as "assistance", when it should be "assistants", the plural of assistant.
Consider me intrigued, I'll be following this.
1794195
Thank you very much, spelling mistakes corrected
(Joke) Alt. Titles: Here, The Sun Never Stops Coming and Shadow Of The Sunlossous and Solar Eclipse Of The World (And I'm Not Talking About The Moon)
Just reading description reminds me of this fiction Let's Just Say
1786583 You read The Empty Room? Did you like it? Because I read it and I thoroughly enjoyed every second of it!
I'm going to be honest here and say I didn't read the story but I'm going to butthurt anyway. The sun in Equestria is controlled by Princess Celestia. So is she a part of the problem?
1786593
Cutest motherbucking picture EVER. I can't stand little frizzes of fur here and there (D'AWW), and what's with the hind-hooves? They're so adorable.
Not to mention how RD looks with glasses. Good Gawd!
Love it so far!
I found a small grammatical error though:
"Um, hello?" said Pinikie Pie, waving a hoof in front of Applejack. "Didn't you read the letter form Celestia, it said 'do not come to Canterlot!"
Pinkie has a sad at this.
The second sentence of this paragraph should look more like this:
"Didn't you read the letter from Celestia? It said 'do not come to Canterlot!'"
Hope this helps.
1787274
Involves speed in which it receives likes. Apparently this got many in a small amount of time, therefore putting it in the featured was necessary.
1795767
Corrected thank you very much I should have seen that one, it got a red underline and everything! Of course when you use 'words' like everypony, red lines are everywhere!
1786583
And also a big thank you for the catch in the description!
1795847 This is quite an interesting idea.I'll most definitely be following this until the end I did however notice a few grammatical errors , but I'm not a grammar Nazi. I eagerly await more
SPOILER ALERT!!!
Note that almost all questions I ask are intended to be rhetorical. All suggestions are to be taken with a grain of salt, I don't claim to be a better writer than you, just that a second(or third, or...) set of eyes, and a different set of cognitive tools is often useful.
panicle
-You probably meant "pinnacle".
You said he could have the day off when you agreed to let us be your assistance.
-"assistants" (unless you meant to have her use rather bizarre/improper word-choice.
“If Spike gets back before us, I need you to have him send a letter Princess Celestia right away. Can you do that?”
-And here I thought it would be something to try to keep them out of trouble.
“Seriously though, don’t touch anything else.”
-Ah... well that is about as good an effort as she can reasonably come up with on the spot.
Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash galloped as fast as they could through the streets of Ponyville.
-I realize that it would make the sentence more complex and/or odd, but just about the only time I can think of that Rainbow Dash ever galloped was during the barrel-weave and Running of the Leaves in "Fall Weather Friends". She CAN gallop just fine, it is just she prefers to fly. Try "Twilight galloped as fast as she could through the streets of Ponyville. Dash flapping along above her." or something like that (because if Dash is flying and then there is not question that if they were both going all out Dash would be outpacing her by a large margin). Also, I THINK I have heard that short sentences give the impression of speed and/or tension more.
Without waiting another moment, Twilight and Rainbow rushed out the door, galloping for the center of town.
-If you change the last thing I mentioned, you should probably change this too.
Twilight could feel the heat rising up from the ground.
-Wouldn't that only happen on black-top? I don't think normal dirt absorbs enough heat to feel hotter than the sun.
“It’s Twilight Sparkle!” exclaimed a pony. “She’ll know what to do!”
“Yeah, ask her! She’s Celestia’s student!” shouted another.
-Be careful with this. Ponies listen when Twilight takes charge, but general citizens of Ponyville don't automatically turn to her for help. Then again, "problem with sun" -> "Celestia's problem" -> "Student of Celestia" makes enough sense for this to be an exception.
along side
-alongside
It looked just like every other letter Twilight had ever gotten from her mentor.
-He often reads her mail to her, and given the crisis, I would think he would just open it if it weren't marked "private". Then again, maybe not. He might not want to have been tempted into discussing matters with other ponies and NOT read the letter as a way of helping him avoid that.
But then everypony started panicking and I wanted to see what was going on… and…”
-So is the implication that he just forgot it in all the excitement.
She has placed me in charge of making sure everypony in Ponyville is safe while she works to fix the sun.
-Well, that would imply that she isn't SICK. Discord can override her, but I get the impression that whoever's time of day it is has the advantage in any conflict between the Sisters. Which is good because I really really don't like the idea that Luna is still a villain. Not that I think many people still write those sorts of stories. The Nightmare as a separate entity could work though. Although, to me, none of those really mesh the "epic journey" that I think the summary implied.
“We can’t stay out in the sun, we need to go someplace where it’s cooler. If you have a cellar, then I want you to go down into it. Bring as much food and water as you can.
-Well, she is taking this REALLY seriously if she is already wanting them to take things to that level. Maybe the Princess asked her to? The other logical step would be to deploy all available clouds to maximize both shade and stored water (which could mean leaving the water in the clouds, but that wouldn't really be accessible once the temperature passes starts hitting 120 F or so).
“These are instructions from Celestia!”
-Ok then.
the ponies began to disburse.
-I THINK that "disburse" is for giving out money, and you want "disperse".
“I’ve never seen you talk like that before. You almost sounded like Celestia! You were so strong, so assertive, so…”
-So how is this different from "Winter Wrap-Up", "Dragonshy", and/or "It's About Time"?
“The letter didn’t say any of those things. That was all me. I had to do something. They needed to get indoors, not be out here in a panic.”
-Ah... so Celestia probably IS sick or Nightmarized. The letter could be from Luna.
‘Whatever happens, do not come to Canterlot.’ It was unsigned.
-Well... that could be a LOT of things. She could be sick, nightmarized and plotting to keep the Bearers away from the Elemental Harmony Regalia (As of "A Canterlot Wedding, Part 2" they can open the vault themselves). Discord... simply cooking everypony is not his style. Luna/Independent Nightmare could try it to keep them away. I would think that writing back and asking for more details would be indicated, but it probably won't help unless the lines of communication are still functioning, it is just that a third, villainous, party can ALSO send letters. Sending somepony ELSE to scout it out, or sending Rainbow Dash up with the best telescope she can lift to look at Canterlot might help clarify matters, especially if Twilight can put a cooling spell on her, and enchant the telescope to sit stably on a cloud. Of course, we don't know how stable a platform a cloud is, so the usable magnification on the telescope might be limited. It is worth noting that my personal fanon is that pegasi have eagle-quality vision, so if your's is similar (including because I inspired you), then she might not need the telescope so much. Maybe just a pair of binoculars(which we have seen her using before)?
She didn’t address it, or sign it, but I recognized her hoofwriting.
-Does she recognize it well enough it couldn't be faked? I can't see her writing it under threat of hostages being killed (least of all herself). She knows the price of such things in the long-term. On the whole though, I'm inclined to take this at face value. Doesn't mean Twilight should.
“So, we just need to send a letter to her and ask,” said Rarity calmly. “I’m sure that should clear things up right away.”
-They actually have good reason to think it won't, but, as I said, it is worth a try.
“I’m sorry Twilight!” said Spike in surprise. “I don’t know what happened! I tried to send it, just like always, but… but it didn’t work!”
-Ok, so does that mean "recipient dead/comatose", "recipient has letters blocked at this time", "line cut in middle", or "line cut at other end"? I can't see someone casting a spell on SPIKE without him noticing.
-Wild speculation time to let you see what goes through my brain, at least when I am slowing down to type up these analyses: Maybe Celestia's magic is running wild, and the controlled magical burning isn't happening right because everything is set to "flambe". She could be experiencing the non-radioactive equivalent of a nuclear melt-down personally. In other words, in good health, except that her body temperature is so high that it melts rock at a hundred paces.
-Come to that, it would be ironic if this turned out to be what happens when she gets sick enough to be running a fever. I doubt that is the problem as she would probably put all her energy into teleporting/high altitude flight to a much less populated area. I would say that Luna would carry/teleport her, but I rather think that Luna is more immune to cold than heat. She might be able to use Darkness to negate radiative heating, if you blend science and magic that way. It would probably take an alicorn level disease maker to actually create a disease that wouldn't be knocked out by a mere 400 F of body heat(seriously, 212 F kills most if not all microbes)... wait, never mind. She could have caught it from either a dragon or a phoenix. I mean Spike got the sniffles at the end of "Winter Wrap-Up".
-Speaking of phoenixes, I wonder if she could use Philamena to send messages. I don't know if Philamena can do much more than Lassie level communication, at least with most ponies but, then again, Fluttershy isn't most ponies, and I would tend to think that, if anything, The Stare is the only ability she has that doesn't have some peer. Philamena may have been sent other places first, since Twilight is a competent civic leader in emergencies.
-[/rampant speculation (for the moment... this is a thing I do)]
But this time, only the faintest gasp of flame escaped his mouth, not even enough to singe the paper. “Again!” Spike blew again, but to much the same results. “Again!” shouted Twilight.
-Ok, that would imply that something is targeting Spike remotely to break the lines of communication. It is also possible that all (magical?) fire is being co-oped by Celestia either as "Nightmare Flare", or because her magic (or immune system?) have gone crazy. A quick set of experiments with lighting a candle with her magic and lighting a mundane fire could test that out. Then again, your version of Twilight may be rather lacking in her scientific field-work skills, which are generally things learned AFTER you have library research down pat. For example, consider the difference between a master's thesis (library research) and a Doctoral Dissertation (laboratory/field research for which such things actually exist).
-Of course, she might be able to directly sense the way that is inherent magic is failing and/or might have instruments around that would help. The events of "Secret of My Excess" might tend to argue against that though.
-I wonder when Fluttershy will start worrying about her animals?
“No,” said Twilight, not looking up from her spot on the ground. “We can’t.”
-So they are going to be spending the entire story under ground? I suppose that between Spike's gem-mining experience, Twilight's extremely powerful telekinesis, and Applejack's farm-girl physique and practical experience, they might be able to dig there way into the Diamond Dog tunnels and then go from there. Alternatively, the supernatural shade of the Everyfree Forest might be partially proof against the burning sun. Of course, this COULD just mean that the ponies who are saying it can't be done are the ones who noticed the familiar purple sphere around Canterlot despite the obvious distraction.
“Canterlot is two days away at a gallop,” answered Fluttershy. “Even flying it’s nearly a full day’s journey. If Twilight is right and this heat is going to get worse then there is no way we could make it there.”
-Ok, so merely the problems with travelling through the equivalent of Death Valley (or worse). Rarity probably has enough mirrors to reflect the heat rather than absorbing it if held above them with telekinesis, plus a cooling spell (Assuming Twilight knows one or can look it up fast enough), PLUS AJ pulling a wagon full of water-barrels MIGHT do the trick, but not necessarily both ways if they really did have to turn back at the city limits of Canterlot. I don't think Pee Wee is old enough to carry a message either. Spike might make it solo if you are considering his ability to dive into lava without getting burned to mean that he can only be burned by magical heat, but then again this heatwave might count as magical heat if the effect is run-away enough. Even so it would take him longer than two days, and it would mean that all chance of other contact would be gone.
“I think my magic could shield us from the sun,” said Twilight a little despondently. “But not galloping and not for two days straight. So we can’t go, because, we can’t.”
-So they can only take short hops between cellars? They might be able to make it to the Diamond Dog's tunnel network at the same place they got in the first time. If none of them are guarding the surface then they might have an easier time getting in. Of course, if Rarity is "The Tyrant of the Underdark"(Credit to Sun_Tzu from forum.rpg.net) in your continuity it might be very easy to be allowed in if they can only get there.
-Related to the animals before, I wonder if AJ will say something about ecological damage to plants? Or at least her apple trees?
“I don’t see how a party is going to improve things Pinkie,” said Applejack, rolling her eyes.
-50/50 shot this is what she intends.
“A party? No, don’t be silly!”
-So no then.
“We need to help as many ponies in Ponyville as we can. If we can’t go to Canterlot, then we need to do whatever we can here.”
-Good idea, but thinking a little small for their skills. Might be all they can do, but I suspect more is possible at their level of power.
“Pinkie is right,” said Twilight, slowly getting back up to her hooves, some of her determination returning. “We need to help however we can until all this is over.”
-Ah, so the enlargement of scope that will PROBABLY happen will be occurring in a later chapter.
1796414 I shall endeavor to read your comment out of simple respect for you to take your time and compose such a mesage.
This is a fantastic start. I'm also glad that updates will be consistent. Oh, the possibilities...
I like where this is going. Please, do go on.
1790828 Ha! How did I miss that?
Well, this sounds fun. I shall endeavor to read this soon.
1796414
First off, let me thank you for taking the time to read my work and leave me such a wonderfully detailed comment full of fantastic feedback, insightful critiques and corrections. I value every comment (and PM (and e-mail)) any reader has ever sent me as if it were made of gold (and if they were made of gold I could buy my own island and retire from just the corrections alone! But I would still write fanfiction). I write fanfiction to become better at it (and because I love candy colored ponies) and every piece of feedback helps me improve!
So, responses. Obviously there are questions and speculation I can't answer (although I very much enjoyed reading your comments), but I will try to answer what I can.
-panicle - fixed (yes I did, and darn if it didn't have a red line under it.)
-assistance - previously fixed, already found by EricaC78, but thank you all the same
-CMC instructions - I did start out with that, but it never felt right.
-don't touch anything - played more for laughs (at least I hope) than anything else.
-Gallop and flight - I can certainly see you're point for now I think I am going to leave it with galloped.
-Heat from the ground - sand and dirt can still reflect heat (deserts for example)
-Help us Twilight - From a story telling sense I can see why the citizens of Ponyville don't go to her for help, but from a logic sense it has always bothered me that they never ask. I mean, Celestia asks her all the time! In this case however, I think it works, if for no other reason than the one you mentioned.
-along side - fixed.
-Spike and the letter - and that Rarity was distracting him.
-Twilight in charge - no comment
-Taking things seriously - yes, yes she is
-From Celestia - kinda of... but you know... not really...
-Disburse - fixed
-talk like that - Twilight, now with even more authority than before (no 20% jokes here)
-Letter doesn't say - no comment
-Do not come to Canterlot - no comment (although I loved the speculation and ideas)
-hoofwriting - I would say yes, Twilight is fairly confident it came from Celestia (doesn't mean it isn't a fake) but she believes it to be real. Although, Celestia most likely didn't use a hoof to write it, the word 'style' just didn't have the same kind of feeling to it.
-Letter to Celestia - Twilight might have feeling it won't work, which she does, Rarity, maybe not as much.
-it didn't work! - Celestia installed call block on her horn so she can screen calls from Twilight... anyone feel free to make comic out of that...
-wild speculation - I am really enjoying your speculations, and I see some stories from you which I think I'm going to check out...
-Again! - No comment
-Fluttershy's animals - cut her dialog for pacing, end is already way too wordy. But she is worried about her animals. Not sure if I can work it into later chapters with so much already going on but I'm trying.
-We can't. - no comment
-Two days away - no comment, but I think your ideas are really creative
- magic could shield us - no comment (had to delete spoiler response)
-ecological damage - (slight spoiler) yes
-party! - added for laughs
-no party - because even Pinkie know when it's time to be serious... some times... banana...
-we need to help - for the moment, it's just the best they can do with what they have.
-Pinkie is right - spoilers... so... no comment
Thank you again, I very much enjoyed reading your comments and getting your feedback.
1797280
(hoofwriting) Although, Celestia most likely didn't use a hoof to write it, the word 'style' just didn't have the same kind of feeling to it.
-I didn't catch that problem, but I believe that the two terms most of the fans have settled on are "hornwriting" and "mouthwriting". I happen to love lexicon building like that, but I will leave you to judge their "feeling" for yourself.
and I see some stories from you which I think I'm going to check out...
-Ok. Here let me prep you a bit, because I am a nervous sort:
--Scratching a Diamond: Start with this one.
--Try-Out: This one is a bit rough editing-wise, but it couldn't be helped. I'll fix it up when I have time and/or further critique.
--The Two Deaths of Fluttershy: Ok, this one is the doozy. Basically, if you don't like it, please contact me via PM because <spoiler>. Also, you might want to be fully alert when reading this, because there are a lot of things that are maybe... hard to wrap one's brain around, especially in the last chapter. Speaking of the last chapter, if you get that far, I have a question for you.
Come on Rainbow let’s go get him.
You might wanna fix the commas in that sentence...
Come on, Rainbow, let’s go get him.
Anyway. This looks interesting so far!
1788103 Yes! On the Terminator line, just in time! Wait... If it's noon in Ponyville... Welp, they're screwed.
1799006
Pfft commas! We, don't, need, no, stinkin, commas,!
Silliness aside, corrected, although slightly different from your suggestion.
Thank you for very much
1799334
No problem, really but... Well, without that first comma that bit reads "Come on Rainbow" with no pause which is... not what I think you meant to say. I may be the only who automatically jumped to a sex thing, but my mind is the place where dirty jokes go to die. I guess it's up to you, though! Happy to be of assistance.
Very interesting start.
Also that was pretty clever Twilight.
In this seasons Pinkie episode they immediately did.
1789249
If it runs on a motor, it may be unable to cool off well enough to run due to the heat.
An epic adventure fic, and this time I'm around from its beginning rather than catching up on something already completed! Count me excited. The initial obstacle keeping the heroes from reaching Canterlot seems pretty solid (unless one remembers that Twilight can flippin' teleport, not that such a skill could possibly come in handy in any way...). Well, if it isn't teleporting, I do anticipate seeing how they get past that dilemma and set off on their adventure. This is all giving me the same vibes as the first few chapters as It's a Dangerous Business, Going Out Your Door, but I'm not expecting quite that much. You're obviously a fine writer who's got a plan, but Dangerous Business is top tier and coming close to it would be an epic achievement.
I'm also looking forward to seeing how much each individual character's skill sets will be of value to the group's accomplishments. That's one of the things that made DB so good, and it's an important element in any fanfic of this kind. Applejack will no doubt have a lot to contribute both physically and emotionally, but I'm really excited to see how much of a hero Spike's going to be. Guy's proven he can handle this sht, and since he's the character I relate to the most, I'm gonna be watchin him. Good luck with the rest of this.
1801312
Oh, yes. Good point.
1804653
She has performed exactly ONE teleport on that range-scale... admittedly a bit further than that distance probably.