Shadow of the Sun
By Starwin
Chapter 2
The blazing golden disc of the Sun radiated down unbearable heat. It was fixed in the pale blue dome of the world. There were no clouds left in the sky. An endless noon day blue stretched from horizon, to mountain crested horizon.
Below, in Ponyville, the town was just as empty as the sky. The streets were quiet and still and silent. Every shop window displayed a closed for business sign. Every street cart had its goods packed away. It was as if the town had been completely abandoned.
Everypony was inside hiding from the heat — everypony, except, for Twilight Sparkle.
Through the shimmering heat waves, Twilight moved slowly down the main road, pulling a small two wheeled cart behind her. Purplish light flickered around her body every time she took a step. Her face was strained with effort as her horn glowed brightly, working to maintain her shield spell. The thin light was all that kept her safe from the burning heat.
The back of the cart had been covered with a thick white cloth. Like Twilight, the cloth also glowed with a purplish aura. Twilight had cast a spell on it, to make it heat resistant. The spell had to be renewed regularly but it was worth it, to protect the cargo.
Underneath the cloth were precious bags of food. Hours ago the cart had been completely full with deliveries. Now, Twilight had given out most of them and only had a few more stops ahead of her.
Twilight continued up the street. Her course turned slightly as she moved towards one of the nearby buildings, a tan house with a tiled roof. Her progress was slow, her movements labored. She had been out in the Sun for far too long and she needed to rest.
Hot, tired and slightly out of breath, Twilight dragged herself towards the house, each step more difficult than the last. She reached the front door, raised a hoof, knocked and waited.
Standing still proved to be harder than walking. Twilight struggled to maintain the spell as the intensity of the Sun beat down upon her. Her face tensed with concentration and her shield flickered slightly.
The approach of hurried hoofsteps reached her ears. It was a very welcome sound. She didn’t have to wait long before a teal unicorn with a very light blue and white mane, answered the door. The unicorn mare stayed well inside the house, keeping out of the Sun. Even still, it was apparent that the heat from outside was making her uncomfortable.
“You made it,” said the mare. Twilight could only nod. “Here, let me help you.” The unicorn’s horn glowed and two bags of food lifted from the covered cart, held aloft in a magical golden aura.
“Rest,” said Twilight, barely managing to get the word out. So far, she had delivered food to more than two dozen houses. Every four of five houses she’d had to stop to rest and regain her strength.
“Of course!” said the teal unicorn. “Please come in.”
“Thank you, Lyra,” said Twilight. She shrugged off the cart harness and stepped into the house. Once Twilight was inside, Lyra shut the door quickly behind her. The shield around Twilight shimmered away.
“Come on, I’ll take you downstairs where it’s cooler,” said Lyra. Using her magic, the teal unicorn placed the food bags across her back. The supplies had been tied together so that they could be carried like saddle bags. Lyra trotted on ahead and Twilight followed behind.
As the two mares reached the other side of the room, they found another pony waiting for them. She was a white coated earth pony with a purple and pink mane. She held open a door that Twilight assumed must lead down into the cellar. She smiled as Twilight and Lyra passed her.
“Oh Twilight, you look terrible!” said the mare holding the door.
“It’s been a very long day, Bon Bon,” said Twilight wearily. “I just need to rest for a bit before I continue.”
Behind the door was a steep stairwell that led down into the earth. Twilight had never been down into Bon Bon’s cellar. In truth, she had never even been to her house before. As Twilight understood it, Bon Bon was hosting three other ponies beside herself, one of which was Lyra.
The three mares descended down into the ground. The air became cooler with each step. Quickly, they reached the lowest level, which was nothing more than a simple room. Two other ponies were spread out around the small space. They looked up hopefully, excited to see the food.
“Is that… all there is?” asked a dark pink pony with purple hair. Twilight remembered her name to be Berry Punch but knew little else about her.
“I’m afraid it is,” said Twilight tiredly. She looked for a nice comfortable spot on the floor to rest for a bit. There was a place that seemed to be a makeshift bed. “Does anypony mind?” asked Twilight, pointing a hoof towards the bed.
“Go right ahead,” said Bon Bon with a nod. Twilight smiled thankfully and settled down. It was not the most comfortable thing she had ever lain on but it would do.
“So…” asked a blue mare with a white and blue mane. Twilight did not know the pony’s name but she knew her question. It was the same question she had been asked at every stop, even when she hadn’t come in to rest. “Is their any news from Celestia or anypony else?”
“No,” replied Twilight, trying to keep the frustration out of her voice.
“But it’s been five days!” cried Bon Bon. “The Princess hasn’t sent you any letters?”
“No,” answered Twilight a little sadly. That was her least favorite question.
“Has the Sun… moved at all?” asked Berry Punch.
“No,” replied Twilight again. She knew what question was coming next and she didn’t want to answer it.
“Do you know why it's taking Celestia so long?” asked Lyra hopefully.
“No,” said Twilight softly. Everpony was quiet for a long while, until Twilight spoke again. “I’m sorry. I really don’t know much more than you do.” The room fell into an awkward silence once again. Twilight let her eyes close. She wished that she could sleep but there were only a few more houses to go and then she would be home.
“Do you have any idea how to fix this?” asked Lyra, breaking the silence. Twilight looked up at the teal unicorn. That was not the first time she had heard that question either. The answer she gave was not entirely honest.
“No,” whispered Twilight.
Lyra showed Twilight back upstairs to the door. Twilight had told her she didn’t have to come along and endure the heat of the house. However, Lyra had insisted on seeing the other unicorn off. It was either because she felt she owed Twilight — for risking life and limb to bring them food — or because she had something she wanted to ask in private. It turned out to be the latter.
“Twilight,” asked Lyra, as they reached the door. Her tone indicated that the question she was about to ask would not be a happy one. “Things… they don’t look good, do they?” Twilight tried to smile but it faltered.
“No,” said Twilight, falling back on her new least favorite word. “Things do not look good.”
“Is Celestia really going to fix this? Can, she even fix it?” asked Lyra. Twilight looked down before she answered.
“I don’t know, Lyra,” replied Twilight, the tiniest of quivers in her voice. Lyra reached out a hoof and touched Twilight’s shoulder reassuringly.
“Whatever happens,” said Lyra with a smile. “Thank you, for all that you’ve done for everypony.” Twilight nodded but couldn’t find words to respond.
“I need to recast my spells,” explained Twilight. She turned away from Lyra, looking at the door. Focusing her effort Twilight ignited her horn with sparks of magic. She cast a spell on the cart outside, on the protective cloth. With a great effort that left her panting slightly, Twilight renewed the resistance spell upon the cloth.
When the spell was complete, Twilight swayed a little, threatening to collapse to the ground. Lyra moved forward, making to support her.
“I’m alright,” said Twilight. She held up a hoof, halting Lyra’s worried advance. “That spell just takes a lot out of me. Hopefully that should be the last time I have to cast it today.”
Taking a deep breath, Twilight prepared herself to cast the second spell. This one took less effort but unlike the cloth, Twilight would have to maintain it. Once again the sparks of magic cascaded down from her horn. Slowly, a shimmering shield began to spread out around her body, coating her from horn-tip to hoof.
Once she was protected, Twilight gave a nod to the other unicorn. Lyra opened the door, standing as far away as she could. A blast of hot air rushed into the house. Quickly, Twilight hurried back outside so that Lyra could keep the heat out.
“Twilight,” said Lyra. She stood just inside the door, her eyes fixed on the lavender unicorn. “I just want you to know, that we believe in you. That I believe in you… and your friends.”
“Thank you,” said Twilight with the first genuine smile she’d had in days. Lyra smiled back before finally closing the door.
Alone once more, Twilight turned back to her cart. The wooden frame had started to warp under the heat. She wished she could make her shield spell larger and protect more of the cart but she didn’t have the energy to spare. A larger shield meant more effort and more effort meant less time.
With relative ease, Twilight slipped back into the harness. She was ready to be on her way again.
The next set of houses went by fairly quickly. They were not that far apart and Twilight did not stop to rest at any of them. Some of the ponies had been unhappy about their food rations. However, Twilight had been firm on the amount for each house. One bag for every two ponies, no exceptions.
She and Applejack had counted very carefully. Twilight had done the math herself and the results were not good. They needed to be strict with all of the food they had left. There simply wasn’t enough to sustain them for very long, although Twilight didn’t tell that to anypony.
At last, Twilight was on the final leg of her trip. Her path strayed slightly, taking a longer route that led her passed the train station. Her eyes moved hopefully over the empty platform and the vacant tracks. At the end of the platform, a cart had been pulled across the tracks. If any train did come through, it would either have to move the cart or smash it.
Twilight’s expression fell. The cart was right where it had been yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that. No train had come through Ponyville. No train had stopped in Ponyville. Wherever the train was, it didn’t seem to be coming here any time soon.
Twilight moved on, making her way home. She didn’t have far to go before she could see the shape of the tall library-tree between the buildings. The tree was starting to wilt and it saddened Twilight to see her home in such a condition.
With a click and thud, Twilight detached herself from the cart once more. Reaching into the cart, Twilight grabbed the last two bags of food. She hauled the bags up over her back, unable to use her magic and maintain the shield. She grunted at the new weight and was glad her task was almost done.
Twilight turned towards the house and started to walk. With each step her shield flickered. It took all her focus to keep walking and casting. The short distance of a dozen hooves was the most difficult walk she had made all day but at last, Twilight reached the front door.
She paused only for a moment to read the temperature on a thermometer she had fixed to the doorframe. It read the exact same as when she had first attached it. The liquid inside was at the max temperature it could display. Twilight wondered how hot it really was, having no greater measurement tool.
Using her body, Twilight leaned against the door and pushed. She stumbled across the threshold and the door swung shut behind her. Twilight was able to take only two more steps before she collapsed to the floor, completely exhausted.
With a final dieing flicker, her spell faded away. She had made it inside not a moment too soon. It took her a great effort to shrug off the bags. When at last she was unburdened by magic or supplies, she lay there on the floor, too tired to move.
“Spike!” called Twilight, not getting up. “Spike!” she shouted again, not giving time for a response.
The sound of tiny footsteps pattered up from below. While Twilight waited for Spike to arrive, she glanced around her poor library. Books still lay strewn about and shelves were toppled to the floor. Twilight longed to clean it up but the heat was too intense for her to remain upstairs for very long. It would be a waste of effort to use her magic, simply to clean.
Twilight had been upstairs many times, each time wishing she could spend just a little bit putting her books back in place. However, there were more important things for her to do. She had been taking solar observations, making supply deliveries and trying to find a way to get to Canterlot. There was simply no time to put the books back in order.
Spike emerged from the cellar door, breaking Twilight out of her musings about the library. He looked just as tired as Twilight felt.
“Twilight! You’re back! Did it all go as planned?” asked Spike. Wearily, Twilight nodded.
“Everypony should have enough food for at least four more days, depending on how much they eat,” said Twilight. “Applejack should have the next batch ready to go by then. I just hope the other unicorns were able to make all their deliveries.”
“You can’t keep doing this!” said Spike, walking across the floor towards his friend. “How long do you think you can keep going out there?”
Twilight smiled up at Spike.
“I don’t have a choice, Spike. I have to do what I can until this is fixed,” answered Twilight. Very slowly she got to her hooves, instantly wishing she hadn’t. It was much hotter standing up. “I promised I would take charge and keep everypony safe.”
“Twilight…” said Spike sadly. “What if this is never fixed?”
“Come on, we should get back into the cellar. This heat is unbearable,” said Twilight, dodging the question. She made to lift the food bags but Spike grabbed them instead.
“I think you’ve done enough deliveries for one day. How about you let me carry these?” said Spike, hefting the bags over his shoulders. Twilight nodded, in no shape to argue.
Spike hurried back towards the cellar door but Twilight moved at a much slower pace. Her muscles ached and her body was tired. She needed a good long sleep.
Twilight paused at the threshold and looked sadly around at her library. There would be no visitors today. There may never be visitors again for that matter. How much longer would her books survive? If this heat kept up… how much longer would anypony survive?
“Twilight, come on!” cried Spike. Twilight turned and followed, closing the door behind her.
Only a small number of houses in Ponyville had cellars. Many homes had been abandoned and ponies had been relocated to live with another family before it had been too hot to go outside. Twilight had organized the reshuffle herself, ensuring that no home had more then four ponies. Four, her books had told her, was the optimal number for the confined space.
Like so many others, she had two roommates as well. Her friend Rainbow Dash and the filly Scootaloo were now living with her. Rainbow’s home had evaporated on the second day. She had lived in a cloud house but the heat had burned it away.
Scootaloo had been stranded at the library when the whole crisis had started. Her parents’ house didn’t have a cellar so they had been moved and there simply wasn’t room for one more at their current location.
However, Scootaloo didn’t seem to mind. She was getting to spend lots of time with her idol, Rainbow Dash. Despite Rainbow’s frustration with being kept inside, the attention from Scootaloo was helping keep her spirits up.
Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie had also been moved. Fluttershy was staying with Rarity at her shop while Pinkie Pie was staying with Applejack at her farm. Fluttershy had wanted to bring all her animals with her but both Twilight and Rarity had agreed that was a bad idea. Fluttershy had released them all into the forest and Twilight hoped that Rarity had been able to get their animal loving friend to stop crying.
Twilight descended lower into the cool ground, the heat of the house overhead rapidly becoming more tolerable. The ground was shielding them from the unrelenting Sun. Yet, yesterday, this area near the top had been much cooler. Twilight wondered how long it would be before even the cellars were unlivable.
Twilight shook her head. She didn’t want to think about that.
“Still no luck sending a message to Celestia?” Twilight asked the little dragon. Spike didn’t look back at her. He stopped on the stairs and Twilight had to halt suddenly or risk knocking him down.
“I tried as hard as I could,” said Spike. “I really did!” He turned around and there were tears in his eyes.
“Oh Spike, it’s alright!” said Twilight. She stepped around Spike so that she could be level with him. Gently, she wrapped a foreleg around her small dragon and gave him a reassuring hug.
“No it isn’t!” cried Spike, tears streaming down his face. “It isn’t alright at all Twilight!” Twilight held him and let Spike cry into her coat for a good minute. At last he wiped away his sniffles. “I don’t know if it’s me or… the Princess… but… there hasn’t been… anything… No matter how hard I try… I just can't send anything!”
“Keep trying, Spike,” said Twilight with the best smile she could manage. “That’s what we all need to do right now.”
“I know,” said Spike sadly. “It’s just… it’s so hard not to be able to do anything.”
“Come on,” said Twilight. “Let’s keep going.” Spike nodded and followed as Twilight led the way.
They quickly reached the room at the bottom of the stairs. Cold air washed over them as Twilight pushed open the door. It was much cooler down here, thanks in part to Twilight. She had tried out a couple of her cold spells and some of them seemed to work. At least it wasn’t snowing inside anymore.
“I’m back,” announced Twilight. Her eyes drifted from the pale-blue mare to the orange filly both lying on their roll-up beds. Twilight hardly got through the door before the two of them rushed her like little fillies, well, one of them was a little filly.
“Woah, calm down girls, it’s good to see you too,” said Twilight, returning their hugs.
“We were so worried about you,” said Scootaloo. “It’s so hard sitting down here and doing nothing.”
“I wish we could be out there helping you!” cried Rainbow Dash, her wings flapping impatiently. “What good is flying if we can’t even go outside? So, How’d it go? Did you get all the food out?”
“Yeah,” replied Twilight. “I took the north end of town and Rarity did the south. Amethyst Star took the house to the east and Comet Tail did the west. I did a lot more stops than they did. But, all of them were doing a much better job with the shielding spell…” Twilight trailed off and looked away.
“Twilight, what’s wrong?” asked Scootaloo.
“There’s… There’s something you should know,” said Twilight seriously. She bit her lip, she hadn’t been looking forward to telling them this. “It’s about Cloudsdale.”
Both Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo’s eyes widened at the mention of the pegasus home city in the clouds.
“I… I don’t know how to say this…” Twilight paused. She had tried most of the way home to think of words she could say but her mind had just replied with empty answers. “Cloudsdale… it’s… it’s, gone.”
“What!” cried Rainbow Dash.
“No way!” exclaimed Scootaloo.
“How can it be gone!” demanded Rainbow Dash.
“Applejack and I looked for it when we were loading up the food. It’s been growing smaller and smaller for the last couple of days. Today, it was just gone. There aren’t any clouds left in the sky.”
“It can’t be,” said Rainbow, sitting back on her haunches. “What happened to everypony? My parent’s… my friends…” Twilight shook her head sadly.
“I don’t know Rainbow. All we know is what we can see,” said Twilight. “And what we can see is that it’s getting worse. Somepony begged me to fix all this,” continued Twilight, there was an almost-laugh in her voice. “Like I have the power to move the Sun…”
“We’ll find a way,” said Rainbow Dash. Twilight smiled at her. It was nice of her friend to say but Twilight had little hope that it was true. The terror in the town was building again. She could see the fear returning in the faces of everypony. Even if they were protected from the heat down here, there were other, just as difficult, problems ahead of them.
The biggest of those problems was food. The intensity of the Sun was wilting all of the crops. In another day or two, the plants would be inedible.
Spike was right, how much longer could she do this? It was harder and harder every time. She had actually felt the heat through her shield.
“I have to get to Canterlot,” muttered Twilight, more to herself than her friends. She had been thinking this ever since the message from Celestia had arrived. She needed to know what was going on! She needed to know why the Sun had stopped! She needed to get to Canterlot!
“Twilight, we’ve already been over this! Every single day in fact! That’s exactly what the letter told us not to do!” said Spike in exasperation. “And how would you get there anyhow? And with you gone, what will the town do?”
“I know,” said Twilight. “I know. I could never sustain the shield all the way, let alone while galloping. Besides Rarity and myself only a few other unicorns are either able or willing to brave the outside.”
“Couldn’t you just teleport there?” asked Scootaloo. Twilight shook her head.
“The further a unicorn teleports, the more dangerous it is,” explained Twilight. “I might be able to do it but I could just as easily miss by a mile or end up falling out of the sky! Or I might appear in a wall or inside somepony else! No, it’s just too dangerous.”
“We just can’t sit here and do nothing!” complained Rainbow Dash.
“We aren’t doing nothing, Rainbow!” said Twilight.
“You, aren’t doing nothing! Me and Scootaloo have been stuck down here for days!”
“Uh, guys,” Spike tried to interject. His words were unable to halt Rainbow’s rant. This argument had been brewing up inside of Rainbow ever since she had arrived.
“It’s not like you can just go outside! Even with my magic I can barely manage it. And it’s getting worse! We just have to stay put for now.”
“Stay put? Do you have any idea what it’s like being stuck in this room, unable to help anypony else! I need to go outside! I have to go outside!”
“Guys!” Spike tried again.
“Spike not…” but Twilight’s words were suddenly cut off as she saw the small dragon’s face. “What, it can’t be…”
For a moment Spike looked like he was going to be sick. His cheeks bulged out, his pupils dilated. Then, with an enormous burp, he belched scarlet flame. Usually his fire had no odor to it, save for when he accidentally charred something. But this red flame had the strangest metallic smell.
The flames subsided and from the air, a roll of parchment dropped to the ground. The four of them stared at it. This was not the normal letters they were used too. This parchment was dark black, almost as if Spike’s flames had burned it.
None of them moved to pick it up. It was like they couldn’t believe what they were seeing. Nothing for days and then… this.
At last, Twilight was the one to lift the document with her magic. She noticed that not only was the parchment a different color but the seal on the outside was not that of Celestia’s.
“It’s… from Luna,” said Twilight, a little shocked.
“I didn’t know Luna could send you letters,” said Rainbow Dash.
“She can’t,” said Twilight, looking down at the letter held in her magic. “The magical connection exists only between Spike and Celestia. So Celestia must have sent us a letter from Luna… but why?” Both Scootaloo and Rainbow Dash shrugged.
Twilight glanced at the letter again, considering it. She looked at the other ponies, as if asking them what she should do next.
“Well, open it!’ said Rainbow Dash after a long moment when Twilight had done nothing but stare at it.
Twilight was snapped from her thoughts. Nodding she broke the seal and unrolled the parchment. Her eyes widened. For one terrible moment she thought it was blank. However, once she found the words in silver ink, she wondered if it might have been better if it had been blank.
“Well?” asked Rainbow impatiently.
“What does it say?” pressed Scootaloo eagerly.
“Come to Canterlot at once. Bring the Elements of Harmony,” read Twilight. She looked up from the very short message. “Bring the Elements of Harmony? But we don’t have them… Also,” continued Twilight in frustration, “why does everypony insist on not telling me what the hay is going on! Is it really that hard to write just one more line?”
I'd hate only being able to sit around and waiting when the world's in crisis... in all honesty I'd probably suicide if it got any worse than you've described if I didn't have the ability to help.
Seeing as a dragon can survive lava pools, wouldn't Spike be the best canditate to help carry food. All Twilight would need is a growth spell.
Celestia is evil and poor Luna has not the slightest clue where the EoH are.
This'll be interesting, reading how they'll find the EoH. Looking forward to Chapter 3!
Also, you might want to fix this part in the middle, when Spike's saying:
“I don’t know if it’s me or… the Princess… but… there hasn’t been… anything… No matter how hard I try… I just can send anything!”
1840576
Hey that's a good point. At the very least he could take a bag or two to one house while Twilight did another,
1840576 and 1840784
I would say Spike isn't helping deliver because, while he might (I wont say he is) be immune to the heat, he is still a little dragon. He wouldn't be able to carry much more than two, maybe four bags at the most and certainly not pull a cart. Even if he did the actual delivery from cart to house, someone would still need to do the majority of work lugging the cart. So overall benefit, low, if any.
Additionally, during version of this chapter, there were drafts in which other characters helped Twilight out. But it just never felt right.
1840717
And fixed, thank you very much
This story is fantastic. I absolutely love it
One thing that does bother me is Twilight's reluctance to teleport To Canterlot. She has a very valid point about the possibility of not knowing where she might end up, but I'm almost certain she could just teleport a little aways from Ponyville, get her bearings, and keep teleporting to Canterlot in short and controlled distances. Of course this would almost definitely use up lots of energy, but it's Twilight we're talking about. Also, almost nothing is ever that simple but I can still imagine...anyways, that's my rant for the story
This is a fantastic story and keep up the great work!
One sign that you're a talented writer is that I can practically feel the heat and oppression Twilight is suffering, as well as everypony's despair in Lyra and Bon Bon's house. Things are getting worse and worse, and they even have their quest set, yet still no clear way of accomplishing it. I kept expecting Spike to volunteer to trek on foot to the outskirts of Canterlot and spy it from a distance with one of Twilight's telescopes. She has at least two.
This is encouraging, even if he still isn't listed as a character. If he doesn't come with, I won't stop reading, but I will have lost a lot of interest.
My only thought is "Don't go to Canterlot. Don't bring the Elements of Harmony."
Very engaging read so far.
What if this is like reverse Night Mare Moon? Luna refused to let the moon go down and she had to be sealed in the moon by the Elements of Harmony. Now Celestia is refusing to let the sun set in the same manner and for the same reason (for some reason).
That's my only guess.
"With a click and thud, Twilight detached herself from the cart once more. The outer rims of the wheels were burnt black and smoked slightly. The wooden frame was warped and charred."
If heat got to such level - there should be a lot of fires in town, possibly whole town could be on fire if take into consideration thatched roofs of most buildings. I think you should mention something like precasted fireproofing spells or find another way to explain that city is still intact with no casualties.
Poor Twi. Can't deal with being plot blocked.
If I have time I'll toss you a PM with typos and such.
1840576 I was thinking the same thing while reading it. He went on a long journey so he could follow the dragons and wasn't he the one carrying the gems for Rarity when she got kidnapped by the diamond dogs? So he should be able to do the job.
1840970 This story is great, and I have no complaints; but I must voice my opinion. Ignore it if you want Why haven't they even considered trying to hire the diamond dogs to dig some tunnels for them, I mean, Rarity could easily convince them and they could survive a bit more easily in a network of tunnels so they wouldn't have to deliver the supplies through the sunlight.
Overall, a fantastic job and I can't wait for the next chapter.
1846728
I don't ignore any comments, suggestion or corrections. I may not respond to every comment (because then this would just be filled with my comments instead of reader comments), but I certainly read and consider each one.
So, the Diamond Dogs. There are a couple reasons they aren't in the story. One of which is that they are (so far) single episode "bad guys". In order for readers to understand them, they must have seen that one specific episode (which, if they are seeking out fanfiction is fairly likely). I also feel our heroines didn't part with them on the best of terms and seeking them out for help wouldn't be a likely consideration they would make. Additionally there is just no benefit to the story to have them be a part of it. So, no diamond dogs because they really just didn't fit into the story I want to tell.
1849119 I feel like you are a cat person. I understand the reasoning.
Finally someone who puts in the release date of the next chapter! :D
Can't wait. This story, noble Sir, is great!
SPOILER ALERT!!!
There were no clouds in the sky.
-Had there been none scheduled, or did the heat burn them away?
Every shop window displayed a closed for business sign.
-Well, that is very organized of the Ponies. I do hope that somepony did a head-count to make sure that everypony got the message... I suppose leaving some doors UNLOCKED or maybe even open (but that would let in hotter air...) around town could be the safety net. I wonder about the sheep and cows too... then again there was a cellar in "Feeling Pinkie Keen", so they may be down there. I forget where AJ is.
Twilight moved slowly down the main road, pulling a small two wheeled cart behind her. Purplish light flickered around her body every time she took a step.
-Flicker is the cooling spell, interesting it flares with each step. Maybe you took my idea about bringing water? *Looks back at ending of last chapter* Or maybe she is balancing the water to the biomass in each basement.
The thin light was all that kept her safe, from the burning heat.
-Probably want to remove the comma.
Underneath the cloth were precious bags of food.
-Yeeeeah. Gonna have to say that food would be a lower priority. Everypony is going to run out of water first I should think, unless they have taps that don't go through the water-tower, but directly to the stream or something, or the waterpumps aren't going to melt or the water boil off from the tower as fast as they can pump. Actually, if water is in very short supply in a survival situation, it is best not to eat anything that isn't naturally very moist already, since digestion uses up water. Of course, in Equestria getting lost in any place but the Everfree means an animal will lead you home once they realize you are lost... well, maybe. Depends on how you play the animals. And I still want to see how Fluttershy thinks that all her animals will survive.
She reached the front door, raised a hoof, knocked and waited.
-Unless it is locked she should just go in. If it is locked, this shows why it shouldn't be.
She shrugged off the cart harness and stepped into the house.
-So the spell on the blanket will maintain itself? Or is the cart empty now? I am also given to wonder what the ignition temperature is for a thatched roof... And how the tree-library will fair in this heat... I think I mentioned the Apple trees earlier. Eh, even in the basements they would probably be dead of heat-stroke before the roofs catch fire.
“But it’s been five days!”
-Oh, that explains why she was bothering with food. Still, that would seem to imply leaving the door unlocked for her. Maybe she hasn't hit this house yet? But if that is the case, I wonder how she knew if they needed food.
The answer she gave was not entirely honest.
“No,” whispered Twilight.
-Well, that is interesting... maybe "Travel to Canterlot and use EoH on Daymare Flare" is what she is thinking? Or some other dangerous and not-fun-philosophically solution? I know that there was supposed to be a journey involved, but you have pretty well set it up so that long distance travel in most directions is impossible, and where it is possible it relies on special qualities of the terrain that may or may not exist. The characters might know, but we as the readers can't know your fanon well enough. Stuff like:
Is the Everyfree mystically dark?
How extensive are the Diamond Dogs' tunnel networks?
for risking life and lib to bring them food
-limb
She cast a spell on the cart outside, on the protective cloth. With a great effort that left her panting slightly, Twilight renewed the resistance spell upon the cloth.
-So the spell on the cloth lasted that long? That explains why she didn't nap. Seems to negate the point if she only keeps the spell active when she is out there, unless she brought all the food in with her every time she rested.
Hopefully that should be the last time I have to cast it today.”
-Ok, so the spell on the cloth is cast once per ~10 minutes. If it was ongoing she should have said "this" instead of "that". I suspect that Twilight has pretty precise grammar, but your fanon may vary.
said Twilight with the first genuine smile she’d had in days.
-Wow... isn't she sharing the same basement with Pinkie Pie? The situation must be grave indeed if Miss "I love to see you smile" hasn't been willing (or able?) to get her to genuinely smile at least three times a day.
The wooden frame had started to blacken and crack.
-Nice touch, but I THINK Lyra should have at least had to close her eyes when she opened the door, and maybe had the fur on her face get a bit scorched. This also means the the flash point for thatched roofs might be getting close (or even technically it should have happened already).
One bag for every two ponies, no exceptions.
-Meaning Pound and Pumpkin count the same as Big Macintosh and Roid Rage? I guess that keeps it simple, and thus more obviously fair. I wonder they aren't out of water by now... maybe the plumbing still works and ponies just have to run upstairs turn on the tap? I guess even if the outside is hitting wood-charing temperatures the buried pipes might still be below 212 F.
She and Applejack had counted very carefully.
-Did they gather up the food? Or did they just end up with the largest share (perhaps Big Mac made a run in from Sweet Apple Acres to where AJ would be staying when Twilight gave her initial orders?).
-Thinking getting to the Elemental Harmony Regalia will be the quest. Either that or Twilight will discover some mystical orb of frost or something. The first sounds more likely, since the temperature is only a symptom, and what is needed is to get the sun moving... which, BTW, according to "Hearths(Hearts?) Warming Eve" a sufficient number of unicorns can do, so Twilight maybe should have tried at least once to see if other unicorns are trying. Nopony else in Ponyville probably knows the spell. I also wonder if the day may be the lesser of two evils that Celestia picked when a super-power entity that can only be held at bay by sunlight showed up in Canterlot? Oh, wait... Sombra is made of shadows... he could have regenerated from his horn?
If any train did come through, it would either have to move the cart or smash it.
-A smallish branch would be much more efficient. Just twiggy enough that it couldn't slip under the cattle-catcher (although they probably call it something different in Equestria) without getting crushed.
The tree was starting to wilt
-I guess being alive is providing some protection? Or is it part of the same magic that lets it be hollowed out without dying or collapsing?
Twilight grabbed the last two bags of food.
-Ah, so maybe she is hiking all the way to SAA or some other food repository and going from there. Otherwise it would make no sense to haul food out of the tree only to bring it back... on a slightly dark note, maybe 4 or so of the residents of the old-folk's home died of 90 degree heat (which it might be in the basements) since her last trip.
Twilight wondered how hot it really was, having no greater measurement tool.
-Seems surprising given she seems to have an entire mad scientist's lab in her basement... maybe she isn't into metallurgy or such yet. She could try taking some samples outside and seeing what melts/combusts. Then again, narratively, this gives you some wiggle room. I really think that buildings should be burning down if the cart is in danger... maybe strong anti-burning spells are built into every wooden walled/thatched-roofed structure as a part of the fire-code? Eh, you are probably just not being that nit-picky with the science.
“Spike!” called Twilight, not getting up. “Spike!” she shouted again, not giving time for a response.
-If it is that hot outside, it has to be at least ~110 F inside, thus calling for the fire-proof guy makes sense. Heck, he should be coming along with her to help if he wouldn't get too thirsty, and/or if the sunlight doesn't count as magical fire (he was afraid of the green dragon's fire in "All Owl that Ends Owl", and got scorched in a teleport in "The Ticket Master").
and trying to find a way to get to Canterlot.
-Right... so that willingness to contradict orders has happened. I wonder when? I also wonder if she think that the order might have been sent by a false sender, is outdated, or that Celestia has gone Daymare?
-Going to go ahead and post this, just to be on the safe side.
1858060
Ah, another in-depth review I see. I shall endeavor to answer what I can and correct where needed.
-Clouds -- added "left" to the sentence to make it more clear that the clouds are not supposed to be gone.
-Closed -- more for atmosphere, it seems rare that doors are locked anyhow.
-Flicker -- takes a lot of effort to maintain
-comma -- removed
-food -- she has also been delivering other supplies, including water, although its not directly stated
-knocked -- for most houses she just needs the ponies to come and pick up the food, rather than unhitch and carry it in herself.
-Blanket -- it is an enchantment with a limited duration. As to the fire, as another commenter has already asked, it's very hot but not yet to combustion for houses.
-Five days -- she is making stops at dozens of houses, she just picked this one to rest at (because I thought it would make a good scene)
-Not Honest -- no comment
-lib -- typo corrected
-Bringing in the food -- I tried writing it a couple different ways, one with her bringing the food in while she rested but it always felt wrong.
-this/that -- I believe "that" to be the correct term as she is referring to the spell she just finished casting.
-smiles -- no she isn't sharing a basement with pinkie pie
-wooden frame -- debated on a lot of different setups for Lyra talking to Twilight, adding too much detail just complicated the scene. But changed it slight to "stood just inside the door"
-one bag -- well, I would count foals more as... well, foals, and less as ponies.
-Counted -- No comment
-Elements -- No comment
-Train -- but a cart would be slightly more visible and more likely to bring the train to a halt, where as a stick would just let them know a train had come and gone.
-Wilt -- yes
-Last two -- no comment
-Measurement -- Deliberately left vague so I don't have to give actual numbers (I try to avoid real world measurement units in my writing)
-"Spike!" -- no comment
-To Canterlot -- Twilight would rather be prepared, at the moment she has no intention of actually trying to go.
-Looking forward to anything else you have to comment on (if you do indeed decide to leave me another comment (which you obviously are not obliged to do)). On an unrelated note, I've converted all of "The Two Deaths of Fluttershy" now I just need to make time to listen to it.
1845403
Ah the greatest challenge of all to overcome, the plot and it's many deep hole...
1860577
Sounds like a clop version
SPOILER ALERT!!!
((Hope I don't accidentally post two different versions of this part of the review.))
“Applejack should have the next batch ready to go by then.
-Is AJ preparing food in Twilight's basement, or bringing food in from SAA's stores or what?
I just hope the other unicorns were able to make all their deliveries.”
-Ah, up to this point I thought that Twilight was the only one who could cast that spell. I wonder how many are versatile enough? I also wonder if perhaps Rarity might use the mirror trick I mentioned.
“I don’t have a choice, Spike. I have to do what I can until this is fixed,”
-The words of a Hero... and I say that Spike should be running deliveries too, or at least verbal messages. Or cover why he isn't proof against that heat.
How much longer would her books survive?
-Until 454 F if my memory of book titles is correct and they use the same sort of paper that is based on... she actually should be able to do a curve-fit to predict the temperature rise... except she doesn't have the right thermometer for it. Still, she could base it on the melting and combustion temperatures of certain known materials. Sidenote: If, for some reason, Celsius and Fahrenheit don't suit you, you might do what was done in the professionally published fantasy novel "One Quest, Hold the Dragons", which was to have the thermometer calibrated in terms of such melting/combustion points.
Twilight had organized the reshuffle herself, ensuring that no home had more then four ponies.
-Even if you have a couple with three children of various ages?
Four, her books had told her, was the optimal number for the confined space.
-On average maybe, but I would think it would vary with the size of the cellar. Then again, the houses might actually sit on the same sized plots of land, so the sizes might be pretty consistent. Or she could be taking an average as an absolute, since she Trusts Books.
Like so many others, she had two roommates as well. Her friend Rainbow Dash and the filly Scootaloo were now living with her.
-Well, that answers that question about who is with her. I wonder if Spike counts... the fact she hasn't had him tidy the books would indicate he isn't that fire-proof in your fanon (or that the heat qualifies as "magical").
Rainbow’s home had evaporated on the second day.
-Well, that explains the lack of cloud cover.
She had lived in a cloud house but the heat had burned it away.
-This sentence is awkward. I suggest combining it with the previous sentence to read "Rainbow's cloud home had been evaporated by the heat on the second day." or something like that.
Scootaloo had been stranded at the library when the whole crisis had started. Her parents’ house didn’t have a cellar so they had been moved and there simply wasn’t room for one more at their current location.
-And I bet she prefers it that way...
However, Scootaloo didn’t seem to mind. She was getting to spend lots of time with her idol, Rainbow Dash.
-I would say "called it" but it is so obvious that it doesn't count. I'm not saying you should change anything though. It is good the way it is.
Pinkie Pie was staying with Applejack at her farm.
-Helping with the
bakingfood preparation I assume? The last thing they would want would be more heat, so I doubt they are using a stove... then again all they have to do is shove stuff out the door and then use a hoe to drag it back when it looks cooked.Fluttershy had released them all into the forest and Twilight hoped that Rarity had been able to get their animal loving friend to stop crying.
-The Everfree? Maybe if it has supernatural gloom they will survive. I would imagine them banding together against the predators of the Everfree, especially if Angel Bunny went with them, but he probably stayed with Fluttershy. In any case, that answers that question. I will say that you might want to replace "released" with "sent" since most or all of them appear to be free-roaming.
“I tried as hard as I could,” said Spike. “I really did!” He turned around and there were tears in his eyes.
-I wonder if he thinks she would be angry? I doubt it though. He probably is just scared about the situation and in despair about not being able to do what would help.
She stepped around Spike so that she could be level with him.
-Because they are both on the stairs, right?
“Keep trying, Spike,” said Twilight with the best smile she could manage. “That’s what we all need to do right now.”
-Actually, giving a rest for whatever the "injured" thing is to recover COULD be valid, but you never know. I wonder if she has asked Zecora, since the last time Spike had a medical problem, she was the one with the best read on it?
She had tried out a couple of her cold spells and some of them seemed to work. At least it wasn’t snowing inside anymore.
-I wonder if she has been sharing those around, perhaps at the old-folks home or for the Cakes and others with young foals... basically places with the most heat-vulnerable ponies.
What good is flying if we can’t even go outside?
-I guess her basement does have a pretty high ceiling... not that RD doesn't hover around indoors a lot anyway. Also, is the implication that she has been giving Scootaloo lessons and/or that Scootaloo has already learned by the time-frame of this story?
Rarity did the south.
-Pretty adaptable of Rarity, then again she is motivated to be heroic, and the EoH may be boosting her ability to learn stuff outside her cutie-mark talent... or maybe if Twilight selected the right "anti-scorching" enchantment for her to put on a dress and one of her super-large hats that could protect her.
But, all of them were doing a much better job with the shielding spell…
-Not sure if this comma is necessary. Also, it seems that my guess about the dress might be wrong. Still nice to show their is a learning curve. Of course, the heat is only getting worse so a few seconds of slip-up goes from "Ouch" to "Agonizing pain that prevents focus on getting the spell working again", even if they don't have to cast the spell more intently to keep the heat off of them.
“It’s about Cloudsdale.”
-Oh Crap... yeah, that could end very badly if nopony had much foresight in preparing for the worst-case by evacuating early. The probably have the best meteorologists*, there, but whether those meteorologists were pessimistic enough in their guesses for how long this would last... then again, with nopony warning them away from Canterlot, I would have expected a courier to be dispatched within 6 hours of when the sun stopped moving, if not much sooner. What the fate of such a courier would have been would be a very different question. It also occurs to me that this is the horror that Discord showed Rainbow Dash, which means that RD went ape-shit when RD thought of it, or RD WILL go ape-shit when and if anypony mentions it to her, and Twilight is about to ask for help making sure the issue doesn't come up. I expect RD would be tempted to try to Rainboom her way there, but she would probably fry before she could accelerate to that speed, and the side-effect that keeps her from being turned to jelly by G-Forces probably doesn't protect her from that much heat (although if we continue to apply physics, the heat from air-friction might be non-negligible at rainboom speeds. Plus there wouldn't be much she could do even if she got there. Flying up to look for it and see what its status is (see earlier comments about pegasus vision, telescopes, and Canterlot), might be SLIGHTLY more doable if some means of temporary shielding can be found (giant mirror? with cork-covered handles for thermal insulation).
*Which is a very different science in Equestria. What we know of meteorology would probably be known as "Everfree Meteorology" or "Chaos Meteorology" something like that, and the two would be at least as far removed from eachother as Applied Physics and Theoretical Physics, if not as far as Mechanical Engineering and Theoretical Physics.
Both Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo’s eyes widened at the mention of the pegasus home city in the clouds.
-Oh, she is saying this in front of them... "rip the bandage off fast" approach.
“Cloudsdale… it’s… it’s, gone.”
-Ah, so she can see where it should be... Note: In my fanon Cloudsdale is mobile, and is actually something in the way of an aircraft carrier, in that in time of war (which hasn't happened for at least the last thousand years) they can split off most of the residential and school areas, set the weather factory to produce thunderheads and hailstones, and turn off the polymerizer in the rainbow plant production such that it is now producing very visually attractive pepper-spray (remember what happened when Pinkie tried to drink it?). They then get Roid Rage's longer-winged relatives to tow them towards the rear lines of the war (or maybe even front lines).
It’s been growing smaller and smaller for the last couple of days.
-Well, hope it was cool enough when they started abandoning it for the pegasi to make it to shade/cellars.
“Like I have the power to move the Sun…”
-Not by herself, no, but if she could get a few hundred unicorns together and teach them the spell... in fact, that may be the quest. Celestia may be comatose or dead, and Luna only having 50% of the power needed to move the sun at all (or there may be a safety measure installed against that due to the War of the Moon... I saw that in another fic). Of course, that assumes that you aren't somehow discounting the part about unicorns moving the sun before the Diarchs arrived.
there were other, just as difficult, problems ahead of them.
-Starvation, and I am surprised you haven't mentioned thirst (at least to explain why it isn't an issue). Plus when thatched roofs start to catch fire.
In another day or two, the plants would be inedible.
-Right. I would say something about this having already happened for a lot of plants, but then again living things seem to have an intrinsic toughness to them in Equestria (see RD crashing into cliffs and breaking them with only minor injury to herself, with the boulder landing on her wing immediately afterwards.
“I have to get to Canterlot,” muttered Twilight, more to herself than her friends.
-Not trusting the note? I wonder where in your writing of this the Crystal Empire episodes happened? Before you started? I can't remember and don't feel like looking up air-dates and publication times.
Besides Rarity and myself only a few other unicorns are either able or willing to brave the outside.”
- I suggest: Besides Rarity and myself only a few other unicorns are both able and willing to brave the outside.
“I might be able to do it but I could just as easily miss by a mile or end up falling out of the sky! Or I might appear in a wall or inside somepony else! No, it’s just too dangerous.”
-Fits the ending of Dragon Quest in fairly neatly, although it might still be safer than alternative methods. Of course, she can try alternative methods and teleport if they fail, perhaps at a reduced range.
But this red flame had the strangest metallic smell.
-Red? Not Green? Interesting... and I wonder if Twilight will try to identify WHICH metal... perhaps by getting him to lick hot metals of various sorts and see which tastes the same to him? Then again, his sense of taste may not be very distinguishing, given he eats wormy muffins.
This parchment was dark black, almost as if Spike’s flames had burned it.
-I accidentally glanced ahead, so now I am wondering if it "barely made it" or if Luna uses black paper and silver ink.
The magical connection exists only between Spike and Celestia. So Celestia must have sent us a letter from Luna… but why?
-Or Luna hacked the connection. Twilight should have a FAIRLY good idea of if that is possible, but given her lack of knowledge about dragon biology in "The Secret of My Excess"...
For one terrible moment she thought it was blank.
-Very dim writing? Like the lack of contrast on a moonlit night?
“Bring the Elements of Harmony? But we don’t have them…
-Took me a few seconds to realize this would mean the Bearers, not the Jewelry.
“why does everypony insist on not telling me what the hay is going on! Is it really that hard to write just one more line?”
-A VERY good question. Either short messages are easier to send than long ones (either very small scroll, or very large letters to be visible after the charring, or if Luna had to infuse the essance of night for it to survive the journey, thus meaning it HAD to be low-contrast), or Celestia is ill/dead/evil and Luna is trying not to send Twilight and/or everypony else into even more of a panic until things are resolved.
It's Sparkler not Amethyst Star
Daymare Sun- eternal day, though why Celestia would do so is unclear.
Anyway, I'm totally calling it now.
This chapter was much more well-paced than the first, though it was still a little too fast. But now I'm getting much more drawn in, so much so that I had trouble stopping myself so that I could write this comment before moving on.
I'm surprised this didn't occur to me, but Cloudsdale and Rainbow's house evaporating makes a lot of sense. And if that's the case, I fear for the fate of the pegasi in Cloudsdale.
And now that the Elements of Harmony have been brought up, I imagine that some kind of villain could be responsible for this whole situation. But there's still quite a bit to go, so maybe there's something more going on.