Juu50x
Joined 29th Feb, 2012 ·
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hmmmm
Looks good so far! A bit wary of that sad tag, but we'll see how this turns out hehe. I am looking forward to reading more.
1776623 Well, truth to be told, there isn't really that much sad. Some small bits here and there. And of course the last chapters...
1776640
At least we'll get some nice moments of TwiLuna cuteness before the inevitable sadness then. I can live with a sad ending as long as there i can dry my eyes on the earlier chapters hehe.
good first chapter.
I look forward to this!
I was pleased when I saw that not one, but two proofreaders had looked at this story, so imagine my disappointment when the second sentence I came across was
Almost everypony was in their houses, making sure that they weren't going freeze with the cold outdoors.
That should read "to freeze." I continued to notice the occasional oddly-worded phrase throughout the story, but luckily it wasn't too distracting. Grammar and punctuation was generally fine.
There's not much to comment on with the plot yet, so I have nothing to say. Twilight seemed kind of OOC, or perhaps just too in-character with the Twilight that we saw in Lesson Zero. Either way, her neuroticism was just a bit over-the-top for me. However, the biggest problem, in my opinion, is the dialogue. It doesn't seem natural. It felt a bit like each character was trying to continue the conversation, narrate the story, and explain to the reader what was on that character's mind, all at the same time. Unfortunately I don't have any specific suggestions to improve the dialogue.
I'll be watching this one.
hm... very dialog driven not that i mind but some of it was rather poor, mostly the one between spike and twilight, also i've grown quite wary of the constant OCD attacks twilight keeps getting in many stories, she has gotten one of those in the show and everyone must refer to it? but that isn't just you, many does those and to me at least they have become quite bothersome and unoriginal and i really hope i won't be seeing to many of those unless they feel necessary to the plot. but i'm guessing this is one of your first stories and with that in mind it wasn't so bad, so i'll be giving this a change and see what happens next.
very good! I like your writing style your some how able to capture the the somewhat frightening somewhat beutiful air of a cold winter night
I hope you can add more!
hmmm, no comments yet? well lets change that.
So, in all a good chapter. Almost too dialogue driven and the transition between Rarity and Rainbow was a little too unclear. The Applejack scene I thought was becoming slightly tangental near the end. I'll admit I wasn't exactly expecting Pinkie to go because of what the Cakes said. I'm interested to see if there's a Pinkieshy ship, as that's one that I haven't really seen done. In all, waiting for the next chapter. Hopefuly it'll be a shorter wait
Well, one shouldn't rush perfection. I found this chapter to be enjoyable, and I can't wait to see what happens in Canterlot.
the discussions feels a bit strained, mostly because you use/repeat "said twilight" "twilight explained" and alike quite a bit in every paragraph.
a few quick examples (some more extreme ones that is):
that second part feels a bit too "repeat-y"
the first two underlined part should be obvious, you are basically saying the same thing twice. "this" implies present tense, where it should be past tense, she has already performed her task. "so" should be "as" ("that didn't take as long as i had originally planned").
a few spelling/structuring errors and "tense" errors (gave one small example to both above). you, your editors and your pre-readers should go through the chapter at least one more time.
about fluttershy and dash:
fluttershy seemed awfully good at expressing herself when it came to pinkie, im guessing you have a good reason (shipping them?), but i just wanted to point that out.
i don't think RD would ditch her friend like that. maybe be a bit reluctant, but not outright refuse.
...the words "plot" and "coming" are forever tainted within my mind
.
1992489 Thanks and well, the Cakes only needed Pinkie's for one day only, guess I just forgot to add that part
and sorry but the third chapter is almost long (maybe bit longer) as this one 
1992537 Yeah true, but even if you do it carefully as you want, there are still some points that didn't go as you planned/hoped. Hopefully I was able to make some sense...
1993306 Yeah I know, but the thing simply is, I don't know how else I might explain who is talking etc. my knowledge of english language is bit short. And I kind of wanted the whole Rainbow decline thing to be bit humorous. I guess I should have tried a different approach.
And get that head of yours out of the gutter!
Not sure if pinkyshy ship, or I read too many romance stories.
But all in all a good story can't wait for more keep it up.
You have a very peculiar way of writing, a way that I'm finding it difficult to read. I'll just highlight a few examples to demonstrate what I mean. Your sentences are very fractured, and much too short. Even when you do join clauses together, it seems obvious that each clause was thought of in isolation from the others, and only joined together as an afterthought.
After eating a simple breakfast, Twilight went back to her room, in which Spike was also sleeping, checking if he was still sleeping.
So I suppose Spike was sleeping then? The "in which Spike was also sleeping," is entirely redundant, as the next section of the sentence gives us that same information, and more. It'd be like saying, "Twilight's room was the room that she had been sleeping in, and she went back to her room, in which Spike was also sleeping, checking if he was still sleeping." Very strange.
She quickly found herself in a really quiet and slightly dark living room, although she could hear the rather loud snoring of Rainbow Dash, which sounded almost like a hungry horse which surprised her that it hadn't woken everyone up. Maybe that's because they were really tired. And the light snores of Pinkie Pie.
The first sentence here seems to go on and on. First it establishes that the room was quiet. Then it establishes that it actually was quite loud. Then it continues to describe the noise, and notes again how loud it is. Then the next two sentence fragments seem to continue the stream-of-consciousness of the first sentence. "And the light snores of Pinkie Pie." And those snores what? Are you just saying that they too were a noise? From the structure, it seems like you're saying that Pinkie's snoring is a reason that Dash's snoring hasn't woken anyone up, which is more than a bit odd.
“Soo, is it OK if I would be asking your name?”
There are a bunch of sentences in this story that take on this strange word order. In this case, you had Twilight ask if it would be okay if she "would be asking your name", rather than if she "could ask your name." The first construction really doesn't make sense for this type of question, as it focuses more on the state of being in the middle of asking a question, rather than on the question itself.
Because of things like this, I'm going to guess that English is not your first language. A native speaker simply wouldn't create sentence structures like these. It's unfortunate, because it makes me feel bad for not wanting to read anymore due to something that the author cannot be held responsible for, but in the end I simply am finding it hard to enjoy.
I suppose I can only encourage you to keep working on your English. Good day.
And now the purple light of twilight-time
Steals across the meadow of my heart
High up in the sky the little stars climb
Always reminding me that we're apart
You wandered down the hill and far away
Leaving me a song that will not die
Love is now the Stardust of yesterday
The memory of time gone by
you used Candence a few times instead of Cadence
Concentration instead of consecration is what I assume you meant. Unless Luna's blessing stuff.
Insisted instead of insistence.
In all a good chapter though.
2143716 That's pretty much it. English isn't really my first language and I usually don't know/notice what parts my proof-readers even have fixed. Well, maybe just few. Bu yes, if you are going to read any of my stories in the future, expect to see some/or lot of mistakes. Since I can't really help it.
2143847 I'm sorry, but you lost me
2145422 Woopsie!
And thanks for noticing.
2145777
I simply noticed some slight connections to a Hoagy Charmichael song called "Stardust", so I threw down some lyrics for you :)
2146196 Ah. Alrighty then.
And I take that meant that you liked the chapters?
2145422
Since the show itself is inconsistent with her spelling, I take Cadance, Cadence, and Cadænce without blinking.
I saw a large amount of grammar mistakes where a word was missing. That coupled with how long it took for this chapter to be released left me, in all honesty, a little disappointed.
On the flip side, the chapter itself is well constructed and enjoyable. Good job.
2150212 Well, I guess I need to inform my proof-readers that they might need to look at things more closely in the future...
And the reason why it took this long to release these chapters is because I wanted to give my proof-readers some time.
And thanks
Nice story!
I'm a fan of Alicorn Twilight but if a story doesn't have her that doesn't mean I won't read it. xD
Oh and before this chapter I thought this was going to be a TwiLuna. xD
I'm liking how everything is turning out so far. Can't wait to read more.
2184105 Thanks. And I'm also a fan of Twilight alicorn, but this story came to me around last years spring. Before any of Season 3 and/or Twilight alicorn things.
And again, thanks. Hopefully you will stay tuned for future chapters
Who is Star Dust? Is it Luna in disguise or a completely different pony?
Augh! It's "edible", not "eatable".
It is unfortunate how obvious who "Star Dust" really is, as I've been ruined by having already read many semi-similar fics. Can't wait to see what's next though.
While its not outright stated that Luna is Star Dust, I'm liking the "almost acknowledgement" that is going on here that practically tells everyone she is.
umm you called Doughnut Joe a Unicorn and an Earth Pony in just a few lines.
2339303 Argh!
I guess both I and the proof-readers missed few of them 
I just had the funniest thought on what a conversation between Star and Flutters would be like. xD
1783057 The first chapter had "eatable" in it, I stopped right there.
i4.photobucket.com/albums/y149/GreyFox27/MLP%20-%20FiM/mlfw1237_Twilight_Sparkle_nope_nope_nope.gif
2334804 It's not anymore
2342758 Well, try to read it again since I've fixed that
I can understand if someone wouldn't like to read this because of my "one million" grammar error's etc. but because of one mistake, that is just... 
And isn't it bit too harsh?
Oh well, everyone has their preference or whatever...
2343695
Well, fuck em' that guy is missing out.
huh, i halfway expected that star turns into Luna, after being surprised, or after starting to drink.
2643230 Hehe, they were originally in the chapter, but then I decided to scrap them since it would make it even more obvious and seemed to be lame jokes. Although the drunk part was suppose to be at the end, but I forgot it since I was in bit hurry to get this finished
But one of them will be somewhat mentioned in future chapter.
2646691
Is this story still being written or has it been put on hold?
2815959 You could say that this story had been bit on hold because of a certain projects script that I've been writing, so I had to leave this story alone for a while. But now I'm back with this! And hopefully will release the next chapter soon.
Hope you can be patient with it.
2816890
Just didn't want to start reading a dead story
Yay
Star couldn't POSSIBLY be luna, could it?
2817683 It's not dead thankfully. But right now bit slow made because life likes to throw things at me and I might forgot about it for a little while or just feeling bit lazy. Also there my other projects, writers block and simply me feeling down with ANYTHING I do. Thankfully, the latter doesn't happen so much.
2838073
I really like this story and would hate to see it die 
Well I'm glad to hear you are still at it
2838086 These kinds of comments are the ones that makes me to go on.
And now that my big script is written and one simple one-shot waiting to be released, I can now fully return back to Star Dust. I try to make this delay up to everyone.
And I have good idea...
2838133
AWWWW YUSH update, reading commencing in 3,2,1
Finally got around to reading it and I'm pretty disapointed that lun- er stardust only interacted for about a paragraph considering this is tagged romance and is 7 chapters in with no chance of romance in sight unless you pull the "omg I suddenly love you" deal. That being said I feel like there are attempts at setting some thing up for later but honestly it just seems like they are going to just be friends. But I'm dumb so what do Know :p
(Wrote this on my phone so it looks a little wonky -.-)
3280722 Well, you need to be patient. This is going/trying to be bit more slower one, although somethings are probably becoming bit fass after 10th chapter. Or something like that, can't really explain it, without giving up too much.
And this was one of the moments that Star is going have, were she doesn't just bond with Twilight, but also with her friends, and probably some residents of Ponyville. And there are few more coming.
3280770
Well in that case I'm fairly happy with this chapter ^-^