This is a heart-warming story about key points in Twilight's and Luna's relationship. It's perspective is mostly the good side of the growing bond between these two, with a look at a plausible course of Twilight's destiny and an unusual reason for Luna's previous loneliness.
Spans across all seasons and goes into alternate universe territory just past the Season 3 ending.
Dedicated to 90Sigma, who is my editor, proofreader and most importantly... friend.
Story image drawn by Pwny³, a great artist.
Edit: Featured briefly on the 5th of June 2015, after an over year break.
Chapters (13)
Howdy! Would you like to add this story to the first monthly Twiluna Contest? Pearple Prose would be very grateful if you did.
3828597
I can tell you didn't read the description to the end lol.
I've only wrote this because of the contest!
3828631
I am dumb. I just saw a story added and assumed it had yet to be entered in. We don't have nearly enough, as you likely know.
3828659
Yes, we need more! Lots and lots!
Luna's not the lesser light!
Heartwarming and sweet, and of course it stars Best Ship. There's some awkward phrasing and dialogue, and it feels rushed. That's balanced by sheer cuteness and an original premise: Luna's alienation was caused by Celestia over-powering a "keep away from my little sister" spell without realizing it. I assume it kept ponies from being interested in Luna, and kept her uninterested in them too. Great method of non-invasive birth control! Too bad it caused Nightmare Moon. Also a nice use of Starswirl's spellbook: 'Twilight's a walking lab accident, if we don't give it to her soon, she'll blow herself up'. Good job overall, and good luck in the contest!
3832991
I do realize it feels awkward at moments, I hope to get better in future stories...
Yes, that's how the spell should work, those were sad and dark times and foal-nappings with later... well... unneeded altercations... happened. As we know, the road to hell is paved with good intentions and Celestia always has the best of intentions for everypony...
Starswirl's book is such a wonderful plot device... It can be used in so many ways!
And let's face it, Twilight's pursuit of knowledge can be very destructive both to her and her surroundings. Just look at "Feeling Pinkie Keen".
This is kinda interesting, but I have to agree that it is quite rushed. But still it's cute and fluffy, and that redeems it.
3837145
That's how we do quotation marks here in Poland, lulz.
3837159
That's what I get for writing on a sugar rush!
3844149
That's how quotation marks work in Polish.
It'd be a bother to change every single one by
hoofhand...Such a shame this contest rushed so many people. I think both the stories I read so far were about half as good as they could have been with a bit of pacing. Write this with a lot more detail than it currently has and it could be one of the most interesting and well developed Twiluna stories on the site.
3851073
Oh stop flattering me, you're making me blush!
Yes well, it is perhaps rushed but that's how most of my stories would come out anyways. It's a curse of some kind - I have thousands of ideas that in my mind play out quite epic. But when it comes to pouring the words onto paper (or into a computer in this case) tends to make them short and awkward...
Would you believe me if I told you this story was supposed to be 15k words, at least in my mind?
3853895 I would hope you might invest in making it longer. We'll see how it does vs Operation Twiluna. Once I've read that one I'll be making my final call.
I can't believe this but I 'squeed' at the last part.
Good job with this story though, keep it up.
amazing chapter
As I was reading chapter 5 EverFreeRadio was playing "Hope" from Mandopony
and I finished reading just as the song ended, pretty good combination if you ask me
This was already by far, one of my favourite story's and then you go and make it even better.
This was a really good chapter, but just out of curiosity, when Twilight was thinking about all of the things that could go wrong that night, when she mentioned the thought of a dark cult trying to bring back Nightmare Moon was that a reference to the story "Past Sins" or was this just a coincidence?
3858434
I sqee'd myself when I wrote that... It took me by total surprise, it wasn't what I planned at all!
3881331
amazing comment!
3881624
Not the typical wedding march, but indeed, it would fit a nighttime wedding... so sweet!
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Oh, with all that I am planning it can only get better.
3884148
Past Sins AND a thousand more stories where some idiots think that she needs to come back.
Have a small spoiler: The black alicorn will feature a role!
3884983 awesome, really good idea too!
Wholly crap, just when I though it couldn't get any better, it does.
3854538
Well, what do you think, is it getting long enough? Or do I need to get more peni- er, story extension?
3912840
It will get better and then get a bit bad because I will need to skip time and perhaps mention who Twilight's friends ended up with... or I could use the easy way out and just make everyone immortal...
Decisions, decisions...
Wow, nice little twist you threw in there, didn't expect it at all, and as always very good work!
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3913192 exactly! Jk, It does seem like you put allot of work into this story and I can't wait to see where you take this!
3913212
What do you mean by that? There's only one way to go... ONWARDS!
Unless... perhaps... a time travel chapter? Allons-y!
The possibilities are endless!
3913249 time travel is good!
3913034 I figured that would be the case, I am still looking forward to future chapters though.
I'm also interested as to how the NMM thing goes down as I'm sure it will be both awesome and overload my feels.
Keep up the great work.
Always love to see Nightmare plotting behind the scenes. It makes the stories a bit more believable to me since I expect all the royals and nobles to be plotting how best to off each other at all times.
I really like this story, but sometimes I don't understand where you want to go with it, you take one turn toward a more serious and immersive plot and right after you start breaking the 4th wall with no rime or reason... I feel the story should either be "serious" or "comedic" because each instance of the latter disrupt the flow of the former
3931860
If the story decides to cooperate with me, then I have big plans for Nightmare.
She'll become essential to two mares.
3959485
And the next chapter will probably feel like adventure. I have no overall plan.
This story has a mind on it's own.
Well time to see when she jumped to and how are they seeing her?
Also, "the smaller lavender unicorn", isn't Twilight an alicorn by this point, though winged unicorn works too.
3960041
She jumped a long long time ago into a galaxy far, far away!
"Horny midget horse with wings" works too!
3960080
Use that term!
Implications for horny can be hilarious especially in a Romance story.
3960080
And i've found a new skype status.
3961174
Unicorns are always horny, and alicorns even more so!
Glad my silly idea helped... I think...
3961212
It did. I needed that maniacal laughter.
3968533
But, what if Celestia IS a stool?
Thanks, I can't catch every mistake lol, even if I reread it like ten times...
ahahahahahhahah oh good Celestia I'm laughing so much! the trolling box being trolled is PRICELESS!
You dont even begin to imagine how much this makes sense. All of it.
4003486
Sunny Skies is so naughty~
4023876 4032213
Foresight 20/20 lol. That's what you get when you write a prologue chapter after the story!
4033470
There will be an interlude next and it will probably start some new headcanons.
Perhaps it's been used before, but I hadn't seen it anywhere...
4033625 Cool. Seriously though. I think you just gave me a new headcanon.
Hi hi, Fragnostic! :3
I really like what you have going here so far! There are some really adorable moments, and some very funny ones too (e.g. "Rings any bells, girls?” when Twilight was discussing Starswirl, who, y'know, wears a lot of bells. Punny, right? ...Okay, I'll stop. (also, more on that quote later)). Also, I'm just curious, but is English your first language? I understand you're living in Poland, and I'd just like to say your diction and technical structure is really, really good. As in, better than a lot of native speakers. Soooo, major props for you there!
Would you mind a bit of critique? This is all to help you, I mean no offense at all. Like I said, this is great, but there's just some points I've noticed and I feel if you could enhance them, your writing would be superb (Which would be awesome, because I love great TwiLuna writers!).
Your pacing is pretty good—ahead of the average writer on the site—but it can get even better. It's sort of tough to point out specific pacing issues, as it's more of a mindset that affects the piece as a whole, rather than in specific locations, but I'll do my best. I'll be drawing my examples out of Chapter Nine, just for reference.
So, here, Twilight wakes up without her wife. Oh no! Panic mode! I understand that they have their bond, but I feel like we should get a greater sense of Twilight's panic. It draws emphasis onto the fact that Luna is gone, which is, understandably, very important. If I were skimming, I could've easily missed it, and then be clueless as to what was going on.
Instead of spending half a sentence saying she's panicking, show us over a few (or more succinctly: show, don't tell). Show how she wakes up alone, how she puts her hoof into Luna's vacant side of the bed, how she tenses up, eyes flashing open, head swiveling to look across the dark room. Make her breaths come out quick and sharp, with her heart hammering into her ribs, mind racing, her gut tying itself in knots, about to combust in worry. Then she exhales, still trembling, but offered some sense of peace from their spiritual bond, telling her that Luna isn't being harmed.
It's a great starting point to determine the rhythm of your own writing style. Essentially, if you could add length and detail, it'd help bring about a wonderful flow to the piece. We, the reader, get to feel and understand all the character's thoughts and actions, rather than being told what they are. Writing more in-depth is a good way to approach a scene if you don't know what to do, as I think it's harder to make the story move too slowly as opposed to too quickly. Also, should you have to make corrections, it's a lot easier to press the backspace button rather than think of more stuff to write. xP
Aside from that, there's just a couple nitty-gritty things.
I know it's impossible to do, because I falter here as well, but try to cut out as many "suddenly's", "all of a sudden's" and "immediately's" as possible. The word hardly ever transfers the urgency and surprise you're wanting to show. Instead, actually show the surprise! e.g. "Twilight flinched as, with a pop and a poof, a scroll dropped before her."
Generally, it's not a good idea to include non-dialogue sounds inside your quotations, as it takes away from what the quotes are trying to emphasize – the character's speech. Once again, I'm no paragon here, as a lot of my older stuff includes "haha's" in the middle of dialogue. Instead, just plop it outside the quotes, like so, "Twilight sighed. "Very well. But, please, my little ponies, you can go back to your regular schedules as I deal with the culprit of this... mess." – she urged with resignation."
Lastly, about the quote I mentioned in the first paragraph, I don't know whether this is a cultural or linguistic issue or not, but the phrase is, "ring any bells?" as opposed to, "rings any bells?" Aside from that, there's a few sprinkles of grammar issues, tenses and whatnot, but everybody does that.
So, yeah! Awesome stuff, Fragnostic, I'm digging your wonderfully TwiLuna interpretations and add-ins. Thanks for asking me to give this a read, it was a real pleasure. You get a thumbs up and a favorite, good sir!
4089148
Thank you! I'm glad you like the product of my (not so) hard work!
And it's cool that I convey the adorableness of this pairing so well.
I must admit that English is my second language, Polish being first.
But I've been learning it since I was like, five, when Cartoon Network
was displayed here only in English. Plus I've been chatting with
English speakers almost for twelve years now, thus getting to
know the language live.
Constructive critique is always welcome! It's what drives us authors
to improve, after all!
I can already tell you that my pacing it the fault of my rather scientific
mind. I've been taught to be as concise and precise as I can be, which
spills into the story. You can tell, because at first in any chapter the
descriptions are longer, while the later parts of the story contain mostly
dialogue.
I must agree, I often fall into the trap of telling, not showing. It is something
that I fight constantly and if my muse permits, I will edit at a later date.
I admit, "suddenly" is a pet peeve of mine, along with "finally". You have
absolutely no idea how many of those have been removed so far! But the
pesky little buggers keep coming back for more...
SIGH. I know what you mean... but sometimes these onomatopoeias sneak
into the writing so well that I don't notice them...
Ah, phraseology is not my best suite, I must confess. I know the phrases
but sometimes I'm writing so fast that I fail to notice the additional letter.
Doesn't help that the auto-correct function very often changes the words.
I am glad that I was able to satisfy your deepest TwiLuna cravings!
Thank you for your much appreciated input and I hope I can deliver
quality content in the future!
Glad to see an update! I need to re-read this.
Wait, did this used to be "☾ Stargazers by Fragnostic"?
4151821
Yep, but fancy characters make it harder to find via the search function.
And I changed my username to better reflect the changes I'm making.
"Luna slowly shit her eyes as her horn extinguished."
So I'm pretty sure that it's not meant to be shit in that sentence, but other than that nice rewrite.
4153047
Egads, the mistakes are so hilarious!
Typo. Clever.
Also has a quotation for the ending punctuation, which should probably be a period. It wraps into the next paragraph too, which doesn't appear to be actually a separate paragraph, just an accidental enter.
Another typo. Supposed to be received.
Other than those few things I picked up, I loved the piece.
4261315
Thanks for hunting for those pesky mistakes! They're the bane of my existence!