(Disclamer: this is my first fic. Pardon me if it is horrible. Any constructive coments and sugestions are gladly welcome.) Luna is bored. Having already caught up with modern laws and society, she doesn't have much else to do other than helping Celly with running Equestria. One day Celestia introduces her to video games, you can just imagine the hilarity that insues.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I'm an author of a Gamer Luna fic myself.
cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-tbob.png I'll read this and tell you what I think.
The Gentle Colt here to give out helpful writing tips to help you become a better writer!
>Reads
Alrighty, what we have here is yet another fic about Luna discovering some sort of technology. This has been done countless times before, but I decided too read it anyway, hoping that it would be somewhat unique. While it is not horrible, and I understand that this is your first fanfiction, this story doesn't really seem to have anything to offer in terms of variaty. Nothing really happens, and the comedic value was very low. I am not hating on your story, it still can be saved, but with some rewriting, and a good proofreader, as that is always important. I wish you best of luck in future chapters, if you do choose to continue this fic. Just take your time, and sice this is intended to be a comedy, think of things to entertain the reader. That is, of course, the point of a comedy fic afterall
- The Gentle Colt, crusader of pure love and tolerance.
I really like the concept, and the story is rather well written. There are just a few grammatical and spelling errors in your text.
First off, I'd just like to say, that the sentence "our recently woken up princess", sounds a bit off. I believe that something more along the lines of "Our princess, who had recently awaken, ..."
Secondly, there are just a few spelling errors. Here are just a few that I noticed.
inviteng = inviting
In the sentene, "Is there anything can do to...", I believe you are missing an I between anything and can.
I hope you have a fun time writing this story, and I really like the premise.
whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoa-Whoa.
Stop right there.
Big-BIG mistake with this. Not only did you include an Alicorn OC in this story, but you've also made IT her boyfriend? Not the mention the fact that it's RED and BLACK? Truthfully speaking, you're going to have people trample all over your work. There's no denying that. Please, PLEASE! Do not use Alicorn OCs unless you're involving them in a very well written ADVENTURE story.
Reason being is that Alicorn OCs are heavily frowned upon in the community. While I don't have a personal grudge against them, other people won't hesitate to bash on your story.
Other than that, the way you describe the scene and the story itself is a bit below average and you'll need to work on your spelling.
okay i like i shall keep watch and to>>1735817 i think i will check out your fic as well i like gamer luna
1735908
Oh um, thanks!
It's in the middle of being re-written. If you see any red notes in the chapters saying it's being re-written, don't bother reading it. It's going to get replaced by a newer and better chapter.
Still, feel free though!
1735899
Once i finish this story, I'll write the big one, which is called Keeping Balance and it will be divided in three stories. Thanks for the heads up though.
I'll be giving him a lot of coverage on a massive cross fic I have planned. He is actually one of the most important characters in said story... i don't know why i gave him a cameo here, maybe my inner pinkie
lol, just reading the description made me laugh
1735977
Okay then, if you say so.
Just a quick tip review on what makes a GOOD OC and avoid making it a Gary Stu (or a Mary Sue).
#1: Don't let it be an OVERPOWERED Alicorn.
#2: If it IS an OVERPOWERED Alicorn, turn down the power and give it weaknesses.
#3: Don't give any OCs the color scheme of RED and BLACK. Those are overused and horrible.
#4: Give your OC an interesting background. Don't just tell the readers straight out about who they are currently. For example, a hero of a shining kingdom could of once been a humble farmer.
#5: People love to sympathize with a character's sad story. Does your OC have any sorrow in his/her life?
#6: Don't ship it with a popular, canon character.
#6.5: If you do ship it with a popular and canon character, don't just shorten the romance to a one-chapter, it-just-fucking-happened relationship. It needs to be a deep and complicated process.
#8: Weakness are as follows: Being a jerk sometimes, not proficient in magic or flying, being too shy, being to prideful, doesn't think things through, and many more. These are the kind of things you'll need to include on your character.
Letter 9: There's no #7.
#10: Whatever you do, do not let the OC get all cloppy and cuddly with a canon pony. Not unless the OC is well-received by the fans. If he/she is, good luck.
1736054
All righ then... Rowan seems to fit with about 60% to 70% of that (minus the black and red thing... i love that scheme for some reason) his story does have sorrow and while he is powerful, his weaknesses are slight shyness and the fact that he is rather impossible to predict. He wont really appear here per se, he's only getting a cameo or 2.
Yeeeaaah, your going to have to read the story yourself and edit it.
It would also help if you added descriptions of the environment along with adjectives: shape, color, details, etc.
Just some suggestions!
1736116
Being rather impossible to predict isn't a weakness. That's just a special aspect.
What is a real example of a real weakness is being too loyal to your friends.
For example, would you choose to save your friend from certain death at the expense of the destruction of thousands of lives?
Or would you save the thousands of lives at the expense of your friend's death?
1736126
Thanks. I know this needs a lot of work before it's really good. I just wanted to see what i was doing right and what not. I need more comedy bits and better writing. I kinda suck.
Also forgot to mention, he lacks control of his power for a long time, also low emotion control.
1736149 Don't worry, it's only your first time. Lots of people start of in similar ways, I know I did
Starting low (not that you are, but if you see yourself as so...) only means it's easier for you to improve, so don't look down! Because there's nothing to look at when your at the bottom (again, not that you are, but...)
Can't wait to see more!
"yes you can."
Eeeeh, I guess your right...
1736166 Very nice,i have a similar story, well,actually it has a hint of Gamer Luna, but has Alicorn OC. You can read it here
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/65629/Night-will-fall-and-the-Dark-will-Rise
1735871
Fixed it. Tell me if you find anything else. I'm glad you liked it. Expect more in the near future, i'm going to try and pump up the funny, silly and random factor in the next chapter.
1736054>>1739324
This fic wasn't bad, just needs some TLC.
I was going to give you pointers on OC romance, but ChaoticNote's tips are better than anything I could give. IMO, numbers, 6.5, 8 and 10 are most important, especially if you insist on keeping his black and red color scheme. Don't get discouraged, it can work (My most popular fics have a black and red OC, and he does just fine), just know that readers will already have strikes against him for the colors, but if your story follows the tips, you should do just fine.
I also suggest taking this, it should help prevent your OC from becoming a Mary Stu.
Good Luck, hope I was able to help for your future fics.
1739860
You kinda made me blush at the "ChaoticNote's tips are better than anything I could give" part.cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-tblush.png
Anyway, I've tried it out the test, and I have to say thanks. This helped me get a sense of how good my character is. Still can't help that he would need a little more improvement.
sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/665211_489009207806232_124898359_o.jpg
1740723
And for the record, letting me know that I've made you blush has made me blush...looks like we're even.
No problem, it's great advice!
Happy to help.
Laughing Stock, my OC has a total of 45. I think forties are a good spot to be in, because if your total is too low, they chastise you for being too distant from them.
Ah, this is a great story! I've not read much Gamer Luna fanfic, but this is good! Real good! I hope you keep writing!
1735899
You know what just ocurred to me? I'm gonna hold this fic for a while and write an intoductory fic for Rowan. That way, anyone who reads this having previously read the other one, will know who Rowan is.
1741784
Whatever floats your pegasus.
seems good so far
although, black and red alicorn... well, i won't say anything. Its just i often see it with a plain color scheme to it like black coat and red mane or something. Although... seems interesting as well. I'm not sure how i would rate this, so i'll save rating for now.
1742243
He has red Zecora type lines along his coat anf his mane is also red.
All right everypony, gather around. I have an anouncement to make... I'm putting this story on Hiatus so I can tackle another project so you guys, the readers, can understand just who Rowan is and how he came to be. I'm starting this one as we speak and I hope you guys will read it. I expect it to be approximately 8-10 chapters and somewhere around the 15k-20k word range. That'll be all... ALLONS-Y!!!!
1742243>>1741934>>1741013>>1740919>>1736810>>1736263>>1735908>>1735871>>1735864
Guys, please read the previous comment, it's important...
1747133
good luck
1747150
Thanks, I hope you read that one as well.
1747133
I'm sure it will be a great read.
1735817>>1735864>>1735871>>1735908>>1736047>>1736810>>1739860>>1742243>>1741013
To all readers, my story of Rowan "Out of the Shadow" out. Hope you all enjoy it.
i really like it so far hope to read more soon
1747133 I have no idea what hiatus is
4835228 a hiatus means the story is paused but will continue
ok