(Second attempt at a fic. You don't need to read this to understand the other one when it's finished, but it will help if you want to know who Rowan is.)
After the fall of King Sombra at the hooves of Celestia and Luna, his legacy falls upon a small group that was close to him who call themselves the "Filli Umbrae" (Latin for "Sons of the Shadow"). This is the story of the alicorn Rowan, who was created by the "Umbrae" to fulfill their dark goal of bringing King Sombra back, and how he came out of the shadow they cast over him, defeating all obstacles and finding what was once taken away from him.
Chapters (2)
All right, that's the first chapter. Clarifying, the begining of this story takes place before Luna turned into Nightmare Moon. Hope you enjoy.
Also, the ending will be happy, not sad...
Nobody wanted Rowan to feel left out, so we found a sticky note drew a funky circle on it and stuck it to his ass.
Now he has a Cutie mark too.
>black and red character
>alicorn OC
>Romance and Sad tags
no y
Despite being a story with a pony maker alicorn for cover art (Always a bad sign) this is...
Actually pretty good.
You could still totally blow it and go all Gary Stu, but... Somehow I think you might just be able to pull this off.
That said, you might want to change the cover art before you are pelted with automatic dislikes.
Just a suggestion.
Yeah, that coverart is a downvote magnet.
You know what? As soon as I finish the finale to my story, THIS story shows up!
*reads it*
Hmm...it's actually a pretty descent read, it's just the pic threw me off.
*Red and black alicorn ponymaker image*
Oh god...
Let the downvote storm commence.
Get your umbrellas out.
images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120430021625/mlp/images/9/94/Discord_holding_an_umbrella_S2E1.png
The story's not actually that bad, but that picture is just asking for it.
all i can say is be careful
ill give you a chance
Red and black pony maker Alicorn OC, Romance tag, and a description involving a dark and mysterious cult. Self-insert wish fulfillment, I'm calling it now, bitches.
EDIT: Attempted to read anyway; the dark, edgy reveal, lack of adjectives and adverbs, and mechanical speech of your character have rendered me incapable of doing so. Might I reccomend writing about characters that already exist before you attempt to create your own, so that he actually has a damned personality? Also, try to AVOID stereotypes like black and red alicorn OC's. Let the common sense flow through you, potential writer. You have potential, but it's not doing good here. If I might make a reccomendation, Wanderer D's guides that frequently appear on the news feed will be a great boon to your writing skills. Also, good job on double spacing your paragraphs and making a paragraph for when someone else speaks, but you need to indent. Just use the tab key before typing your paragraph.
Yeaaaah.
You might want to change to cover art. People are just going to mark this down for that picture.
Please, for you sake, change it.
Quick.
Anyway, I did promise I'll read it. So I will.
Might wanna get rid of that cover image. Red and black alicorn OCs are downright magnets for automatic downvoters
Aaah crap... Im about to die right? Im figuring out how to get rid of the pic, I'm really sorry i put the wrong pic and now I have to remake my original drawing of him because i lost it
I'll have it ready in half an hour. Sorry...
> Comments all about the cover image.
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/417/360/151.jpg
fukn haters!!!!! picture is fine!
1753646
Oh it's not really the picture that's bad, it's the perception and the biased feelings we bronies have towards red-and-black alicorns. Typically, most fan fics that feature a red-and-black alicorn would have that guy be super over powered. You know, the Big Kahuna. The One Hero. The Chosen One. That stuff. People hate original characters who are just good at everything they do. Especially when that OC is instantly friends with everybody.
There used to be so many of them before, and that's what gave ALL OC Alicorns a bad rep.
1753646
Is it "fine"? Yeah, it is. However, red and black alicorn stories have a habit of being rather... bad. Any Pony Maker image of a half zebra alicorn brings up bad memories of wasted reading time.
This story isn't bad. It's rather well written, and I can tell that a bit time went into proof reading the chapter. But the cover image screams "Mediocre at best, here, mates. Don't waste your time!"
Ahhh damn it I cant change the Pic... SOMEPONY HELP ME!!! I already drew a new one , but I can't upload it... please help me...
You are one sad little pony. Also stupid.
Right next to the "New Chapter" button on the main page for your fic is a button displaying "Edit".
Click this button, scroll down, and upload a new image. Next time, no freebies.
I am terribly sorry guys, really. The pic thing was a mistake.
1753824
I tried already, but the new pic doesn't want to upload. There's mah problem!
If this were a technical support thread that would be one of the least descriptive and most unhelpful reports I have ever seen. Try a different format, and, failing that, put your box on a ramp so the data can flow downhill. Baron out.
Sombra's just a plain old unicorn. Why not the put the alicorn in charge? It works for Equestria, doesn't it?
on Ritalin. 
EDIT: The point stands (for as long as the original pic does, anyhow). It is the default, dull pose, and it does not match the description of his dark origins, even if he is breaking free of them.
Ponymaker: If you must have your character on the front and feel Ponymaker is the best way of doing so, at least make him match the story's tone. By Celestia's beard, dude, the evil summon of a dark cult should not be grinning like Pinkie Pie
Hoofs? Hooves is more commonplace, though you are technically correct.
Also, "Filius" is a singular word; it should be Filii. Possessive case would be represented by a certain ending of umbra, not a word that Google Translate says means "of." Try "Filii Umbrae," as suggested by Wiktionary. EDIT: Note the lack of "de." "De" only means "of" as in "out of."
The names of languages are capitalized: Latin, English, etc.
Finally, that last sentence is a run on that runs on and on.
And that's just your intro. Will check out the story after finals.
Clicks on story.
Sees black and red OC alicorn with romance tag.
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/31436909.jpg
1753890
Rowan is not a bad guy, the spell wasn't fully completed so his heart wasn't corrupted by darkness (f*@$ the spoiler at this rate). He is the good guy in my story, Somnus is the bad guy.
1753890
Also, sorry for the lousy attempt at Latin. I'm 17, don't ask for much 'cause I haven't studied Latin in my life.
1753552 Whats wrong with black and red OC alicorns?
CHANGED THE MOTHERBUCKING PICTURE YEEEEEESSSSSS!!!!! It isn't mine though. Special thanks to Celesta1805, creator of this picture.
1753975 I know that by 17 I had (have? You'll never know) taken six years of mandatory foreign language courses through school (not counting half-arsed Spanish study halls in elementary). None of these were Latin, but most languages offered in (U.S.) schools are descendants of Latin (the Romance languages.)
I asked for nothing, I simply corrected a misunderstanding.
1754433
Its ok. I live in Puerto Rico though. Foreign languages aren't obligatory, but i do learn languages quickly. I learned English here and I've never been to the US. (Want to go btw) I just haven't studied Latin itself, although Spanish is my first language and it is a language based on Latin. Sorry if I sounded harsh.
1753996
Not to say that this one is complete and utter garbage, I'm just speaking out of past experience.
Other than the fact that I have yet to see one(yours excluded) that had any form of depth of character, nor have I seen one(yours excluded), that wasn't otherwise complete garbage.
1756537
I'm guessing you have read some seriously bad trainwrecks in your time.
I don't plan to make him an all-powerful douche bag. He's gonna have to train a lot to get good at everything. Rowan's main problem will be a total lack of magic control and extremely limited flying at first. His emotions and common shy demeanor will also be a bit of an issue. No more spoilers for now.
Okey-dokey... After talking with my best friend, I'm gonna rewrite this chapter with more imagery and a slightly more complex style. I guess when that when I got the inspiration, mi mind just went on cruise control to try and tell the story. I'll be taking my rime now ro give you guys more quality.
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Hope you guys enjoy it once I'm done...
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I've finnished editing the first chapter for now. Tell me what you think in the comments and help me improve.
Spelling errors. So many.
"batween" "ataring" "triped" 'droping" "woth" "brake"
Also, I believe the expression is "of the utmost"
Bonus tip: I would advise indenting your paragraphs. Just makes it look nicer, helps it flow a little tiny bit better.
Overall, the flow is rough, the descriptions seem to run on before abruptly ending and turning into something else without so much as punctuation, and the unusual capitalization doesn't even seem to fill a purpose. In the end, I see no improvement whatsoever, the added effect of the spell description (+1) offset by the now even rougher beginning. (-1) Although I could point out all the errors, I don't feel like doing so tonight. I may return, and write you up a highly detailed and huge review to PM, (Complete with all the errors, rougher spots, and suggestions as to help it flow better) but only if you want me to.
1784131
Yes please. I have no proofreader/editor and the chapter is still kind of rough. I'm trying my best, I just don't have much experience...
1784131
I gave it a quick sweep to fix some of the spelling problems. I'll work more on it after your review.
1783429 Well, I'll tell you that it's a FAR better improvement than the first go-around, I'll give you that. My primary concern is spelling mistakes-a-plenty. Fix that, then your story will be good.
Very well Patient X, I'll be working on that.
cant wait for next chapter
I'll probably have the next chapter as a Christmas gift. Or maybe the day after.
BEST.GIFT.EVAR!!
You liked it that much? Thanks man. Appreciate it.
Overall good plot, a few formatting revisions to make it more visually appealing is encouraged. Your paragraph formatting is just atrocious however, though I cannot give any avid examples to help you, let me explain. You need to expound upon a thesis whenever introducing a new topic into the story per paragraph. It just seems so random, and unorganized based on the paragraph format alone. The plots syntax is good, no inconsistencies from what I can tell. If you need any specifics in paragraph formatting I will show you some if needs be, otherwise look up online how to format a great paragraph.
P.S. I am not talking about any paragraphs with plot production, but paragraphs where you are introducing a new element of your story need to be avidly described, and thoroughly formatted, so as to be correct and lacking of any inconsistencies. Great story though, love the idea. I recommend writing an outline for you stories before going on to the chapter, I forgot to do that and just winged it and boy did my stories suffer for it... Sincerely, masterchef227
Also, describe how the character feels as they are speaking in dialogue. It provides breathing room and an good visual image of what is going on.
Yeah, i'm kind of winging it here. I'm new to writing, so i still need to learn a lot of things. Your help with the paragraphs would be gladly appreciated
1840926
Do you write or edit?
Nicely Done