Enter the Shadow
The dusk gave way to the night in the peaceful land of Equestria, bringing about its dark, mysterious and beautiful void full of stars. The moon was full and shining in all its glory as a lone, hooded pony made his way into the Everfree Forest. There wasn't much light, so the hooded figure, a stallion judging by his size, could barely be seen while moving through the dark, twisted foliage. He eventually passed between two crooked trees and quickly found a small path along the branches and leaves. The sounds of the forest were as fascinating as they were unnerving. Owls hooted in the distance, timberwolves howled and the occasional disembodied growl were setting the pony's nerves on end. Just as he thought about how unnerving the atmosphere was in the forest, the crack of a branch being stepped on resounded behind him.
As the stallion turned by pure reflex, he found a large, green eyed timberwolf staring back at him. The wolf began to circle around him, stalking him with hungry eyes and growling with murderous intent. Acting quickly, he removed his hood to reveal the face of a young, light blue unicorn. He then began to put some distance between himself and the wolf as he charged a spell, his horn glowing with an eerie purple aura. The wolf followed, staring and growling as the unicorn moved backwards. With a sudden small burst of blue light, he released the spell, closing his eyes and covering his ears in the process. The spell created a white sphere that hit the ground and exploded with a blinding flash of light and a very short and intense thump similar to a flash grenade. The wolf found himself absolutely disoriented and blinded, howling and jumping back from the shock and its sudden inability to see. By the time the wolf recovered, the blue unicorn was long gone.
He kept on galloping, and quickly reached a rather large river that he couldn't cross by hoof, deciding it safer to expend some energy and teleporting himself to the other side. Looking up at the moon and making some quick calculations, he noticed that he was running late. This, in turn, made him let out a groan as he took off on a gallop and hurried through the foliage. He didn't get very far however, as the unicorn tripped on an unsighted root and faceplanted hard, nearly dropping his saddlebags, which held cargo that was of the utmost importance. After picking himself up and checking his bags, he looked down on the root and said:
"Curse this damned forest and it's trees! Even they seem to want to kill me."
To release some anger, a flick of magic quickly took care of the offending root, burning it to a crisp, proceeding to put on his hood once more. He then kept going through the forest, now with more care of where he was stepping, until he reached a mid-sized clearing. In the middle of said clearing was a strange Spell Circle painted in red on the ground, bearing some strange symbols within it that almost nopony else in Equestria could read. Around the spell circle there were others dressed like him, reunited around a taller center figure, dressed with a red robe and with his hood removed. The stallion in the center was a bit taller than most of the others, he had a blue mane and a gray coat, golden eyes and was helping some others feed a lit pyre in the center of the circle. Once he arrived, the stallion in red turned around and told some of the ones in the circle to let the dark robed pony pass. Once he entered the circle, the others went back to their possitions. The blue unicorn removed his robe hood, releasing his messy purple mane. His eyes were green, much like the emerald necklace that hung from his neck. He let go of his saddlebags, keeping them close, just in case. As he did this, the stallion in red spoke with a deep, commanding voice:
"Do you have it, Ezio?"
"Yes, Lord Somnus, It's right here." The unicorn responded.
Ezio opened his saddlebags, revealing a thick, black book with several golden runes and symbols in the front. As he saw the book, Somnus couldn't help but smile.
"The 'Libri de Atrum Incantatio'. I've been waiting a long time for this." Somnus remarks as he opens the book on a page with the same spell circle that is painted in the ground. "Hmm, it seems the last copy we found was incomplete as we suspected. At last, we have the missing pages!"
Ezio took a seat beside the ponies that let him in. Somnus then proceeded to set up the necessary materials to complete the spell. When he was done, he turned around and spoke to the crowd.
"My fellow brothers of the Shadows, it is with great pleasure that I present to you the spell that will be the first step to release our dearest leader, King Sombra!" The crowd cheered after hearing his words, but he lifted his right hoof to keep them quiet. "As you all know, our leader was locked up in the ice after the new "leaders" of our land, Celestia and Luna, attacked him out of jealousy of our thriving empire. But, I've constructed a great plan to bring him back so he can have his revenge and take his place as the rightful leader, not just of the Crystal Empire, but of all of Equestria." The thunderous cheers filled the clearing, but again, he silenced them all with his hoof.
"Our plan consist of creating a counter-spell to brake the incantation that binds King Sombra. But in order to cancel out alicorn magic, we need an alicorn and that's where this spell comes in. Prancer, bring in the foal."
To this, one of the pegasi that were helping to build the pyre stepped up, carrying a foal, no older than eight, in his back. The foal's name, unbeknownst to most of them, was Rowan. He was an unicorn who had a black coat with a silver mane, no mark and a short tail. At the moment, he had been put to sleep with a potion, and thus, he wasn't aware of what was going on. Prancer placed Rowan in one of the small circles inside of the Spell Circle, close to the pyre. He then procedeed to take a seat as Somnus began to speak.
"This foal has vast amounts of raw magic, according to our resident Zebra, Bantu. This means that he'll be able to survive the transformation while having his powers amplified with Dark Energy. Now I know some of you may be wondering where this foal came from, but rest assured, no one will come looking for him. I personally had his little family... dealt with." As he said those last words, his face slowly took on a psychopathic grin, as if he enjoyed what he had just spoken of.
After his little speech, Somnus opened the book and looked for the page with the spell he needed. Finding it, he begun to charge his magic and chant the ancient spell:
"Spiritus obscurum, audir meus clamo
Dare mihe vester potentia in hic nox
Vento hic parvus et inops eqqulus
In aliquis essentia abs obscurum, magnus potentia"
As he finished the chant, his horn fired a beam of purple towards the pyre, giving the flame more power and making it turn dark purple. He stopped the beam and collected the ingredients he needed.
"First, the scales of a great dragon, valiantly obtained through hard work and perseverance. The tooth of a sea serpent, gained through the brave confrontation. A pegasus feather and the tip of a powerful unicorn's horn, the basis of the two superior tribes." He then threw the previous ingredients to the pyre, making the fire even larger. "Finally, a drop of blood from the foal, taken by force." He withdrew some rope and a small hidden blade from his robe and trotted towards the foal. He tied his hooves together tightly and made a small cut on his left hoof. The sharp jab of pain made Rowan wake up and begin to scream in terror, completely disoriented as to what had happened, but Somnus covered his mouth with a piece of cloth to silence him. Somnus lifted the blade and directed himself carefully towards the pyre, then dropping a single drop of blood to the fire as he backed away.
The fire burst upwards turning into a huge tower of purple flames, quickly turning in mid air and heading straight for Rowan. The Spell Circle ignited with red light as the flames surrounded him, while dark, arcane lightning shot from the circle itself. Most of the ponies in the circle backed away, but Somnus stayed inside the circle, enjoying every moment of it. Rowan screamed and flailed wildly as his body began to change. He grew a bit larger, his tail grew longer, his eyes went from blue to purple, his mane and tail turned a dark blood red. Tribal styled lines of the same color as his mane and tail begun to appear in his coat, his teeth became sharp, short fangs and he grew wings in his back. As all these changes occured, the pain became so strong he fainted from the strain. The fire then began to fade and the circle began to dim.
As the spell was reaching it's end, however, a sudden and massive burst of white light blinded exploded in front of Somnus and sent him and the other ponies flying fifteen feet back. Where the pyre used to be stood two great and beautiful Alicorns, the largest one was pure white with a Sun in her flank and a mane of multiple colors, her wings extended completely in a fighting stance, the smallest one was a pale purple with a stain as black as night and a Crescent Moon inside as her mark. As they stood between Rowan and Somnus, Celestia, the older one, stepped foward:
"You will not harm this child anymore than what you already have. Give in peacefully and nopony shall be harmed."
"I do not answer to you, Celestia" Somnus fired a beam of dark magic towards Celestia, but Luna quickly reacted and blocked it with a magic shield.
"How dare thee attempt to hurt my sister, insolent peasant. Do something like that again and I shalt not hesitate to slice off thy head!"
"Well as much as I'd like to stay and argue with the likes of you, I have other plans so, our long awaited comfrontation will have to wait for a better day" Somnus quickly teleported out of the forest, deciding to strategically retreat, as he had no real hope of defeating the two Alicorn sisters. Some of the ponies stayed and tried to take Rowan, however they found themselves merely striking a magical barrier, as the two sisters had already cast protective charms around the poor young colt. Chaos soon ensued, a several of the robed ponies panicked and attempted to flee, either by teleportation or by physically galloping away. But this was a futile exercise in the end, as those who tried to teleport found they couldn't do so anymore, and those who fled by hoof found themselves stopped by Royal Guard units, which had established a perimeter around them prior to the arrival of the Princesses. The robed ponies had no choice but to engage in combat against them, flashes of magic, screams of pain and strain piercing the night as the Royal Guards gave their best to ensure that these criminals wouldn't escape. Ezio, who had been near Somnus when this all started, had managed to sneak off in the initial confusion. But now he found himself face to face with three Royal Guard Unicorns. His heart accelerated as he felt an adrenaline surge, his fight or flight instincts deciding that fighting was the only option, as several of his fellow "brothers" already lay slain a few feet away. He stunned the first guard pony with a confusion spell and kicked him away by spinning and using his hindlegs, turning back around as the other two sent spells at him with murderous intentions, narrowly evading the two beams. He evaded several assaults from the guards, managing to bounce one of the attacks back with a haphazardly casted mirror shield spell. The spell found its unfortunate caster, ending him on the spot, and giving Ezio the opening he needed. Without a second thought, he furiously galloped forward and jumped over his fallen opponent, fleeing the scene at full gallop and disappearing into the darkness. After several minutes, the chaos subsided, as the Royal Guards managed to overwhelm their enemies. Several lay dead from the fierce encounter, though most that couldn't escape were knocked out and captured for questioning. However, it wasn't a full victory, as most of the truly prominent and important members of the cult managed to flee, and sadly, several Guards were lost. Once the fighting was over, Luna went over to the foal in the spell circle, which had been burned into the ground now... The Pyre no longer burned, and the colt was thrown on the ground, his body having changed permanently.
"His pulse is weak, but he is still alive. What should we do?" said the Princess of the Night, looking back at her older sister.
"Let's take him back to the castle, we'll think of what to do with him after we tend his wounds." Celestia replied.
Celestia and Luna headed for their castle with the Royal Guard and their prisoners close behind, Rowan resting on Luna's back, as he was completely unconscious. They walked through the twisted path until they reached the end of the forest. There they took a broad road that led them straight to a great castle with high towers and a very sophisticated design. As they entered the castle, the Royal Guards took a stairway to the left into the dungeons, as Celestia and Luna headed to the medical wing. They went through several, highly decorated hallways until they reached their destination. The room wasn't too large, but it had space for about 100 patients. The beds were immaculately made and everything was where it should be. Luna put Rowan in the bed closest to her and called:
"Dr. Cross, please, come quick, we require thy services immediately."
A young, cream coated and brown maned colt popped his head from a room in the back and when he saw who was calling on him, he rushed towards them, almost tripping over his own hooves from the hurry. He quickly reached Rowan's bedside and asked:
"What happened to this poor foal, your Highness?"
"He is victim of extreme magical exhaustion, please, you must help him. His life may depend on it." Celestia said, her face showing great concern.
"Do not worry your Highness, I'll do everything in my power to help him." Replied the kind doctor.
Dr. Cross then proceeded to check Rowan from horn to hoof. As he did this, he suddenly stopped and turned to Celestia and Luna.
"Your Highness... he's an Alicorn!"
Luna looked at Rowan and then back to the doctor. Her faced showed great concern for the life of the foal in the bed. She then replied:
"We are aware of that, doctor. Please continue."
He turned back to Rowan and kept working, carefully tending to his injuries and using his own magic to help stabilize and recover Rowan's own reserves. After 2 minutes, he went to a cabinet and extracted a green potion. He then turned to the princesses and said:
"Are any of you staying here with him or...?"
"We shalt stay with him Dr. Cross, I am awake in the night after all." Replied Luna
"Very well. If he wakes up, give him this potion, it'll help him recover and keep him from getting nauseous or disoriented."
"We thank thee, Dr. Cross, thy work is highly appreciated."
Dr. Cross left the princesses and went back to the room in the back, closing the door as he entered. Luna turned to Celestia and sheepisly asked:
"Tia, could you do me a favor and...?"
"Take over Night Court?" Celestia looked at Luna smiling. "Yes Luna, I will. I do have a question though."
"What is it?
"Why are you so interested in this foal? We just found him a while ago."
Luna thought about it and replied:
"I don't really know. I feel a strong aura emenating from him. It feels resonant with my own, as if he also possesed control over the dark."
"I feel it too, but time will tell just who this foal is... And what he will become. That is the most important, and worrying part..." The white Alicorn mare let out a sigh, knowing that important events were likely to unfold soon. "I forsee a turbulent furure ahead. But we should worry about his health first... We will deal with those concerns at a later time."
Celestia gave Luna a good bye kiss in the cheek and left for the Throne Room to start Night Court. Luna sat down next to Rowan's bed and teleported a book from her personal collection to herself. As she opened the book and begun to read, she looked at the foal laying on the bed and thought to herself:
"I hope this 'Somnus' character won't appear again. But alas, I fear this is not the last we'll hear of him"
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All right, that's the first chapter. Clarifying, the begining of this story takes place before Luna turned into Nightmare Moon. Hope you enjoy.
Also, the ending will be happy, not sad...
Nobody wanted Rowan to feel left out, so we found a sticky note drew a funky circle on it and stuck it to his ass.
Now he has a Cutie mark too.
>black and red character
>alicorn OC
>Romance and Sad tags
no y
Despite being a story with a pony maker alicorn for cover art (Always a bad sign) this is...
Actually pretty good.
You could still totally blow it and go all Gary Stu, but... Somehow I think you might just be able to pull this off.
That said, you might want to change the cover art before you are pelted with automatic dislikes.
Just a suggestion.
Yeah, that coverart is a downvote magnet.
You know what? As soon as I finish the finale to my story, THIS story shows up!
*reads it*
Hmm...it's actually a pretty descent read, it's just the pic threw me off.
*Red and black alicorn ponymaker image*
Oh god...
Let the downvote storm commence.
Get your umbrellas out.
images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120430021625/mlp/images/9/94/Discord_holding_an_umbrella_S2E1.png
The story's not actually that bad, but that picture is just asking for it.
all i can say is be careful
ill give you a chance
Red and black pony maker Alicorn OC, Romance tag, and a description involving a dark and mysterious cult. Self-insert wish fulfillment, I'm calling it now, bitches.
EDIT: Attempted to read anyway; the dark, edgy reveal, lack of adjectives and adverbs, and mechanical speech of your character have rendered me incapable of doing so. Might I reccomend writing about characters that already exist before you attempt to create your own, so that he actually has a damned personality? Also, try to AVOID stereotypes like black and red alicorn OC's. Let the common sense flow through you, potential writer. You have potential, but it's not doing good here. If I might make a reccomendation, Wanderer D's guides that frequently appear on the news feed will be a great boon to your writing skills. Also, good job on double spacing your paragraphs and making a paragraph for when someone else speaks, but you need to indent. Just use the tab key before typing your paragraph.
Yeaaaah.
You might want to change to cover art. People are just going to mark this down for that picture.
Please, for you sake, change it.
Quick.
Anyway, I did promise I'll read it. So I will.
Might wanna get rid of that cover image. Red and black alicorn OCs are downright magnets for automatic downvoters
Aaah crap... Im about to die right? Im figuring out how to get rid of the pic, I'm really sorry i put the wrong pic and now I have to remake my original drawing of him because i lost it
I'll have it ready in half an hour. Sorry...
> Comments all about the cover image.
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/417/360/151.jpg
fukn haters!!!!! picture is fine!
1753646
Oh it's not really the picture that's bad, it's the perception and the biased feelings we bronies have towards red-and-black alicorns. Typically, most fan fics that feature a red-and-black alicorn would have that guy be super over powered. You know, the Big Kahuna. The One Hero. The Chosen One. That stuff. People hate original characters who are just good at everything they do. Especially when that OC is instantly friends with everybody.
There used to be so many of them before, and that's what gave ALL OC Alicorns a bad rep.
1753646
Is it "fine"? Yeah, it is. However, red and black alicorn stories have a habit of being rather... bad. Any Pony Maker image of a half zebra alicorn brings up bad memories of wasted reading time.
This story isn't bad. It's rather well written, and I can tell that a bit time went into proof reading the chapter. But the cover image screams "Mediocre at best, here, mates. Don't waste your time!"
Ahhh damn it I cant change the Pic... SOMEPONY HELP ME!!! I already drew a new one , but I can't upload it... please help me...
You are one sad little pony. Also stupid.
Right next to the "New Chapter" button on the main page for your fic is a button displaying "Edit".
Click this button, scroll down, and upload a new image. Next time, no freebies.
I am terribly sorry guys, really. The pic thing was a mistake.
1753824
I tried already, but the new pic doesn't want to upload. There's mah problem!
If this were a technical support thread that would be one of the least descriptive and most unhelpful reports I have ever seen. Try a different format, and, failing that, put your box on a ramp so the data can flow downhill. Baron out.
Sombra's just a plain old unicorn. Why not the put the alicorn in charge? It works for Equestria, doesn't it?
on Ritalin. 
EDIT: The point stands (for as long as the original pic does, anyhow). It is the default, dull pose, and it does not match the description of his dark origins, even if he is breaking free of them.
Ponymaker: If you must have your character on the front and feel Ponymaker is the best way of doing so, at least make him match the story's tone. By Celestia's beard, dude, the evil summon of a dark cult should not be grinning like Pinkie Pie
Hoofs? Hooves is more commonplace, though you are technically correct.
Also, "Filius" is a singular word; it should be Filii. Possessive case would be represented by a certain ending of umbra, not a word that Google Translate says means "of." Try "Filii Umbrae," as suggested by Wiktionary. EDIT: Note the lack of "de." "De" only means "of" as in "out of."
The names of languages are capitalized: Latin, English, etc.
Finally, that last sentence is a run on that runs on and on.
And that's just your intro. Will check out the story after finals.
Clicks on story.
Sees black and red OC alicorn with romance tag.
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/31436909.jpg
1753890
Rowan is not a bad guy, the spell wasn't fully completed so his heart wasn't corrupted by darkness (f*@$ the spoiler at this rate). He is the good guy in my story, Somnus is the bad guy.
1753890
Also, sorry for the lousy attempt at Latin. I'm 17, don't ask for much 'cause I haven't studied Latin in my life.
1753552 Whats wrong with black and red OC alicorns?
CHANGED THE MOTHERBUCKING PICTURE YEEEEEESSSSSS!!!!! It isn't mine though. Special thanks to Celesta1805, creator of this picture.
1753975 I know that by 17 I had (have? You'll never know) taken six years of mandatory foreign language courses through school (not counting half-arsed Spanish study halls in elementary). None of these were Latin, but most languages offered in (U.S.) schools are descendants of Latin (the Romance languages.)
I asked for nothing, I simply corrected a misunderstanding.
1754433
Its ok. I live in Puerto Rico though. Foreign languages aren't obligatory, but i do learn languages quickly. I learned English here and I've never been to the US. (Want to go btw) I just haven't studied Latin itself, although Spanish is my first language and it is a language based on Latin. Sorry if I sounded harsh.
1753996
Not to say that this one is complete and utter garbage, I'm just speaking out of past experience.
Other than the fact that I have yet to see one(yours excluded) that had any form of depth of character, nor have I seen one(yours excluded), that wasn't otherwise complete garbage.
1756537
I'm guessing you have read some seriously bad trainwrecks in your time.
I don't plan to make him an all-powerful douche bag. He's gonna have to train a lot to get good at everything. Rowan's main problem will be a total lack of magic control and extremely limited flying at first. His emotions and common shy demeanor will also be a bit of an issue. No more spoilers for now.
Okey-dokey... After talking with my best friend, I'm gonna rewrite this chapter with more imagery and a slightly more complex style. I guess when that when I got the inspiration, mi mind just went on cruise control to try and tell the story. I'll be taking my rime now ro give you guys more quality.
1756537>>1754433>>1753996>>1753862>>1753710>>1753704>>1753646>>1753612>>1753540>>1753534>>1753527>>1753523>>1753513
Hope you guys enjoy it once I'm done...
1753534>>1754433>>1756537>>1753862>>1753710>>1753704>>1753646>>1753612>>1753540>>1753527>>1753523>>1753513
I've finnished editing the first chapter for now. Tell me what you think in the comments and help me improve.
Spelling errors. So many.
"batween" "ataring" "triped" 'droping" "woth" "brake"
Also, I believe the expression is "of the utmost"
Bonus tip: I would advise indenting your paragraphs. Just makes it look nicer, helps it flow a little tiny bit better.
Overall, the flow is rough, the descriptions seem to run on before abruptly ending and turning into something else without so much as punctuation, and the unusual capitalization doesn't even seem to fill a purpose. In the end, I see no improvement whatsoever, the added effect of the spell description (+1) offset by the now even rougher beginning. (-1) Although I could point out all the errors, I don't feel like doing so tonight. I may return, and write you up a highly detailed and huge review to PM, (Complete with all the errors, rougher spots, and suggestions as to help it flow better) but only if you want me to.
1784131
Yes please. I have no proofreader/editor and the chapter is still kind of rough. I'm trying my best, I just don't have much experience...
1784131
I gave it a quick sweep to fix some of the spelling problems. I'll work more on it after your review.
1783429 Well, I'll tell you that it's a FAR better improvement than the first go-around, I'll give you that. My primary concern is spelling mistakes-a-plenty. Fix that, then your story will be good.
Very well Patient X, I'll be working on that.
cant wait for next chapter
I'll probably have the next chapter as a Christmas gift. Or maybe the day after.
BEST.GIFT.EVAR!!
You liked it that much? Thanks man. Appreciate it.
Overall good plot, a few formatting revisions to make it more visually appealing is encouraged. Your paragraph formatting is just atrocious however, though I cannot give any avid examples to help you, let me explain. You need to expound upon a thesis whenever introducing a new topic into the story per paragraph. It just seems so random, and unorganized based on the paragraph format alone. The plots syntax is good, no inconsistencies from what I can tell. If you need any specifics in paragraph formatting I will show you some if needs be, otherwise look up online how to format a great paragraph.
P.S. I am not talking about any paragraphs with plot production, but paragraphs where you are introducing a new element of your story need to be avidly described, and thoroughly formatted, so as to be correct and lacking of any inconsistencies. Great story though, love the idea. I recommend writing an outline for you stories before going on to the chapter, I forgot to do that and just winged it and boy did my stories suffer for it... Sincerely, masterchef227
Also, describe how the character feels as they are speaking in dialogue. It provides breathing room and an good visual image of what is going on.
Yeah, i'm kind of winging it here. I'm new to writing, so i still need to learn a lot of things. Your help with the paragraphs would be gladly appreciated
1840926
Do you write or edit?
