Season 1: November 28, 2012 through January 1, 2013
Season 2: February 24, 2013- February 23, 2014
Season 3: To be announced sometime in 2014. (well before Half-Life 3)
credits go out to Marik_Azemus for the amazing cover he drew for the first season of the story and SuperBigMac for all the help he's given with writing this intricate idea. I'd also like to thank my friends and you the fans for all the amazing support!
Henry was like any average person, content, happy, and always looking for the brighter side of things... Until a traumatic event tears him apart from the very core, changing every facet of who he was and could have been. Years passed and his condition never truly improved, even when he moved out of his parents home, a place with nothing but dark memories and empty promises. Despite that, he's tried his hardest to stay strong as he works towards his major in Music Arts, regardless of the disadvantage his condition creates for him.
A fellow musician renowned for her many concert performances literally stumbles into his life and begins to show a different side of what it means to live. Can she help pull him from the shell he created around himself and teach him to be true to himself or will the weight of the world be too much for him to bear?
Love it.
Edit:
THE AUTHOR AND I SHALL BE EDITING THE BATHROOM AND CLASS SCENES SOON, PLEASE BE PATIENT. THE EDITED VERSION, AS WELL AS THE NEXT CHAPTER, WILL BE OUT NEXT WEEK. PLEASE STOP COMMENTING ON THEM, SO WE DON'T HAVE TO KEEP REPEATING COMMENTS OVER AND OVER AGAIN. THANK YOU, HAVE A NICE DAY, NIGHT, AFTERNOON, MORNING, AND/OR SUN-CYCLE.
Seems legit
The description alone makes me want to punch a baby.
EDIT: Also, hey Regidar.
1701559 Regidar? Where?
Edit:
THE AUTHOR AND I SHALL BE EDITING THE BATHROOM AND CLASS SCENES SOON, PLEASE BE PATIENT. THE EDITED VERSION, AS WELL AS THE NEXT CHAPTER, WILL BE OUT NEXT WEEK. PLEASE STOP COMMENTING ON THEM, SO WE DON'T HAVE TO KEEP REPEATING COMMENTS OVER AND OVER AGAIN. THANK YOU, HAVE A NICE DAY, NIGHT, AFTERNOON, MORNING, AND/OR SUN-CYCLE.
1701559 Why is that?
This isn't a self-insertion, is it?
i love this story. Favorited
Hmm, that male protagonist reminds me of Shagy, just the goat beard is missing, I`ll give it a read later, I still have a queue to finnish.
...I'm interested.
1701734 Not in the slightest. I literally had a hat full of first names and a separate hat for last names filled with ideas that people had and that is what came out on the first draw. Sorry if it seems too coincidental.
1701866 That's great, hopefully you'll like it going forward!
1701897 It was just a thought I had because your username is also Henry.
If you can find an interesting way to spin this (something that's not been done appropriately to death around the time of the European Renaissance), you would have a good premise.
The story is not off to a good start at all. I'm a little bit tempted to jump to a kneejerk assumption that this is some level of self-insert but I will try my best not to. For the most part, the problems lie in the characterization.
I'm not sure how old your character is. He seems to be old enough to be independent, living alone and providing for himself. But if I caught everything, he's at a school where the most irrational, childish bullies still exist. At the end of it all, you should consider reevaluating your antagonist. Not many people outside fifth grade and/or a mental institution would deliberately give an apparently disabled person a hard time, much less physically threaten someone for it.
It also seems you want Henry to come across as professional with some level of purity despite the situations. Suddenly, a naked woman is next to you, what do you do? She's cold, confused and needs help. Henry still seems ready to defend himself even after he's aware of the circumstances. Someone in that situation helps the person and then gets them out of their house as soon as possible. Otherwise he would have let his guard down entirely as soon as he realized she needed help. He'd likely be warmer and more accepting right off the bat. But he got as far as offering help. A person with good intentions would offer clothes, a blanket and a place to stay that was separate from him right away. Letting Octavia on top of him while nude is the course a man might take if he was planning on taking advantage of the situation. It's things like this that are typical of wish fulfillment fictions and cause me to assume they're self-insert.
Then Octavia was aware of the potential nudity taboo and not entirely surprised by Henry's arousal. If she was aware of this type of thing she would have taken very different actions to avoid everything I mentioned above.
Also watch your grammar. There were several mistakes throughout but the one I noticed the most was the plethora of unnecessary commas.
I reiterate; with a little bit of plot tweaking you'd have potential for a good premise. Once you fully figure out how to handle your characters, they have potential to be unique and interesting to watch. The rule of thumb I always tell people to use for writing is that you can have any scenario you want but your characters must be believable!
On the off chance you want to make it better and/or care what I think; I recommend giving it a little revision and try again.
I am definitely gripped and I am anticipating what could possibly happen next. I love it when people take their own twist on a background pony's personality and background story. Your grammar is impeccable and I can definitely see that you thought out everything here. Also, I know it isn't a self insert, but if they are done well I usually don't care. There are probably loads of successful authors that have written self inserts. Well done though! Here, have a moustache!
1701929 His real first name's actually way cooler than Henry.
He's [race that isn't Caucasian], and so damn smexy!
Edit:
THE AUTHOR AND I SHALL BE EDITING THE BATHROOM AND CLASS SCENES SOON, PLEASE BE PATIENT. THE EDITED VERSION, AS WELL AS THE NEXT CHAPTER, WILL BE OUT NEXT WEEK. PLEASE STOP COMMENTING ON THEM, SO WE DON'T HAVE TO KEEP REPEATING COMMENTS OVER AND OVER AGAIN. THANK YOU, HAVE A NICE DAY, NIGHT, AFTERNOON, MORNING, AND/OR SUN-CYCLE.
1702397 Ah, okay then.
1702086 Wait, so this is like the infamous Ponyfall series?
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Edit:
THE AUTHOR AND I SHALL BE EDITING THE BATHROOM AND CLASS SCENES SOON, PLEASE BE PATIENT. THE EDITED VERSION, AS WELL AS THE NEXT CHAPTER, WILL BE OUT NEXT WEEK. PLEASE STOP COMMENTING ON THEM, SO WE DON'T HAVE TO KEEP REPEATING COMMENTS OVER AND OVER AGAIN. THANK YOU, HAVE A NICE DAY, NIGHT, AFTERNOON, MORNING, AND/OR SUN-CYCLE.
End edit.
1702086 Since you were considerate enough to give us a well thought out argument, I shall try to give you the same level of courtesy, and counter your argument to the best of my abilities. And yes, that probably means I'll just make little trollolols every now and again, but I'll be as serious as possible.
Not off to a good start? Well, let me clear this one away: It's not a self insert. Trust me, Henry and the author look nothing alike, except maybe for hair color.
Yes, the (lack of) swearing and shit's my fault, I think. The bully is more in line with Biff from Back to the Future, and a few scene I can hazily recollect from Revenge of the Nerds.
How was he ready to defend himself? He winced when he realized that he'd left his baseball bat in his bedroom, next to the bed, before openning the door and catching sight of Octavia. Instead what he did was leave, get his tablet, and communicate with her.
Yes, yes, throw someone who can't walk out on the street, that sounds like a good idea. The best that could happen is someone calls the Loony bin. The worst? Octavia gets raped/killed/etc. All in all, I think he was pretty accepting in for the most part. Where did we go wrong? Can you give us an example?
Okay, the key word there is underlined. Letting. He didn't let her on top, he's unconscious at that point, remember? He hit his head on the bathtub. And, in my defense for writing Octavia that way, I'd more than likely do the same. What do you do if a child is freezing, and you have no blankets? You hold them. Octavia just used that same reasoning, but towards herself. It's no different in my mind then crawling inside a dead Taun-Taun to escape the cold, just less drastic, and using a bit of funny.
Where is it stated that she realizes there's a nudity taboo? She blushes because his protrusion is poking her in the leg, but that same sort of thing would happen even if she were still a pony, sitting atop a stallion who was on his back. It's got nothing to do with her realizing anything, other than it's suddenly awkward to be laying on top of him.
Unnecessary commas? Why, that's absurd! I pride myself on my ability to edit, even when almost died from lack of sleep. Are you saying that I failed so badly as to make my friend's fic sub-par?!
Yes, yes, the tweaking! If you're suggesting we tweak, why not give examples? I detest of people who criticize, but do not give an example of how to better something. And trust me, I criticize a lot, especially my friends, but I always show them the way I'd word something or do something. I don't leave them hanging.
Yes, yes, having believable obviously means we can't have a man who can't speak after watching his mother die before him as a young child, and years of trauma afterwards (that we're going to delve into later, maybe.)! Or a bully who never really grew up, because that totally doesn't happen in reall life! We also, apparently, can't make a sit-com with a girl being in the nude, oh the humanity!
Once again, either give us examples on how we can make it better, or don't bother putting pen to paper, or type to PC, to tell us what we should or shouldn't do. If you have ideas, we're open to hear them. We just need you to understand that if you're not throwing new thoughts our way, the fic's not gonna change.
1702109 If it's a self insert (which it's not), then it's a self insert for me, as well, since we've pretty much RP'd the dialogue. We'll help each other with wording or verb usage, etc, but I mainly write for Octy, and sometimes for background characters (Heh, get it? 'Cause Octavia's a background character?), while Henry writes for Henry (if Henry was anything like the author, every other sentence would be "Swag," "In a box," or "Hi hi." They are NOT the same. Besides, the author's a singing machine.) and a few of the major background characters, such as T[ame covered due to spoile]a.
Edit:
THE AUTHOR AND I SHALL BE EDITING THE BATHROOM AND CLASS SCENES SOON, PLEASE BE PATIENT. THE EDITED VERSION, AS WELL AS THE NEXT CHAPTER, WILL BE OUT NEXT WEEK. PLEASE STOP COMMENTING ON THEM, SO WE DON'T HAVE TO KEEP REPEATING COMMENTS OVER AND OVER AGAIN. THANK YOU, HAVE A NICE DAY, NIGHT, AFTERNOON, MORNING, AND/OR SUN-CYCLE.
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
also, its hard to make me cry even a little. i give good word to you, kind sir.
1702404 Nope, nothing like Ponyfall, other than PoE part. This Earth doesn't even have MLP, not even the older versions. It does, sadly, have an over-abundance of people who are ignorant of others, just because they have differences, even though they don't look 'damaged.'
1702086
You'd be surprised at the amount of stupid/jackasses out there, especially in America. Right now a 43 yr old man in Ohio is being sentenced to a month in jail for (his son doing this as well) bullying and harassing a 10 yr old girl with cerebral palsy.
Wait, why is Henry mute? He was able to talk when he was a kid. Is there an explanation, because its already getting annoying how he cant talk
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1702999 Sometimes when it comes to bullying, telling someone about it is just about the worst thing you can do. You forget that people can only understand what Henry is trying to say IF they are looking at him. Most people wouldnt take part in handling a bully situation like that anyways. If you don't mind me asking, what kind of high school, or any school for that matter, did you go to that would have sheltered you from this kind of stuff?
i like this, make more please
1703074 The childhood trauma thing, explained someplace up in the comments above.
I like this, so far. But I'll be waiting for the next chapter or two before I really decide on it. Looking forward to it.
1702956
Indeed I know that it happens. It was the lack of consequences that threw me off. Henry isn't incapable of communicating as long as he has his tablet. I could imagine someone would have been notified about a physical threat and it could be very believable since there are witnesses to Henry's harassment. Perhaps Henry isn't the type of person to do anything about it but that remains to be seen. Perhaps it's a bit early for it to be seen but I could imagine he'd remind himself of his reasons to not take action while it was happening to him - as in that's something the reader should know about right away.
1703232
See the other comment I replied to. Basically I've never seen first-handed a majorly disabled person (deaf/blind/crippled/mute/autistic/Downs Syndrome) person get bullied. The four or five times that I have heard of it happening, there were always consequences. One of those times was in high school when a student was suspended for making fun of a girl who was born with the same condition Stephen Hawking has (my apologies for not looking it up). The student got suspended because the disabled student notified a teacher and it was handled within the hour. There's my personal precedence for believing something would have been done about it. So it's not as believable for me when I see it happen in stories and suspension of disbelief is gone when it goes unpunished.
I'm not disabled but I got picked on because I was fat and socially awkward. I grew out of that eventually but it didn't change my standing with the other students. I told teachers and my parents about the problem, punishments were given, it got worse, just like you said. But that's where the similarities end. Two months into my sophomore year I started fighting people who gave me trouble. The bullying stopped to a degree but largely shifted to a question of "Who can take on the school's karate kid?" So an antagonist would appear, I'd put up with it and give them warnings for a couple of weeks. If it didn't stop, they'd get hurt. Then that person would leave me alone and someone new would try. Lather, rinse, repeat right up until my sophomore year of community college.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder?
Musical combination?
Favorite music Pony?
I guess I came to the right place...
1704183 Heh, eeyup.
I love Octavia as well, she's fun to RP.
...
I-I mean write dialogue for! I-I swear!
Edit:
THE AUTHOR AND I SHALL BE EDITING THE BATHROOM AND CLASS SCENES SOON, PLEASE BE PATIENT. THE EDITED VERSION, AS WELL AS THE NEXT CHAPTER, WILL BE OUT NEXT WEEK. PLEASE STOP COMMENTING ON THEM, SO WE DON'T HAVE TO KEEP REPEATING COMMENTS OVER AND OVER AGAIN. THANK YOU, HAVE A NICE DAY, NIGHT, AFTERNOON, MORNING, AND/OR SUN-CYCLE.
1704241
...whatever floats your boat...
Great story man!
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Glad to see some more Octavia fics, she is such an underrated character.
1704434 No, but seriously. We type real time, to get the dialogue. We both work on all parts of the dialogue, but I do most of Octavia's lines, because I'm more in touch with my feminine side.
... Which is ironic, considering my I was voted for my High School's Baseball team "Wookie of the Year."
But, then again... I was Mac "Teddy Bear" Smith in 8th grade.
Need a hug? I got plenty.
Very much enjoy the mute human. Never seen it in a fic.
Looking forward to reading more.
Great story so far, can't wait for the next chapter!
~Cracks whip~
So get working.
i read My little dashie awhile back, and that was amazing, a pony in the human world.
now im reading this, and im thinking, "if the writer can keep it in line and fresh, they might be able to make another wonder."
so my words are this: good start, amazing idea, but don't slack, keep it up, and keep it fresh, however you have to. and go for it!
Just so y'all know, I'm the one who drew the cover art. Super Big Mac and Henry can vouch for that.
If nothing else, you should write a better description. It's so bland! Does the story do anything interesting or new? Where's the hook? It's basically 'I was a completely average brony until a pony came along, then we fell in love and lived happily ever after'. This sorta story, it's almost masturbatory! Now, before you get all "How dare you criticize me without even reading my story!", I'd like to point out once again the description and leave it at that, since the only reason I clicked on this was because the description looked so stereotypical that I assumed this was a parody that somehow got past moderation.
By the way, congrats on the featured box, you've managed to keep a far more deserving story out of it, I'm sure.
Loving this story :)
More please
1703495
I will concur here. I am not disabled but I, for a time, went to a university with one of the most accessible campuses in the country (US, that is); likely one of the most in the world. We attracted disabled students from quite a distance, and I made friends with quite a few. Fact is, the normal social trouble for someone with a physical limitation is pity. Being mute to most people means they can not hear; at any rate, it is perceived as a physical limitation, even if it may be more mental or social in nature. Actually, being mute would make it unlikely for someone to be bullied because bullies need a reaction. Bullying is a form of obtaining power, and stripping it from another. The limited ability to react means there is only so much power that can be obtained in this manner.
Now, mental disabilities, mental pathologies, learning/social disabilities and mental retardation: those are the people who are bullied.
I really, really, really loved the introduction and transition! (especially 'Tavie's part)
This story has a very good flow, only the school scene transitions had any amount of odd flow - that I could tell of.
Very well done, the lot of you!
1707184 Thank you very much for the feedback, King! I took the necessary steps to create a better description and I hope this creates a better hook for you and any other potential readers!
1707349 I appreciate the comment, Reaper. I'm sure things may seem off about the school transitions, but I just have a different way of doing things. Sorry if it threw you off a bit though.
Well done! You are featured! Have a moustache!
"A fellow musician renoun (renowned) for her many concert perforamnces (performances) literally stumbles" dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Derpy_Hooves.png
I haven't read this yet, but I feel like I should point this out.
This going to sound a bit silly, but Henry in that cover picture reminds me a lot of Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. All he's missing is some brown slacks and a full goatee.
1703174
I concur with this statement. Another, good sir!
1707587 "Like, ZOINKS!!"
1702086 <-- What this guy said, and a little extra.
firstly, how can octavia be put into a dreamless sleep, and then be woken in the middle of a dream? Consistency is your friend. Watch out for it.
Also, Somewhere along the lines, you may want to clarify Henry's problem. It could be: A, Childhood Trauma, or B, Choice.
If it is A, and he physically cannot speak, then that means he would have lost the ability to hum as well.
If it is B, and he chooses not to speak for some reason or another, then sure, he could probably hum all he wanted.
Anyway, I'm usually not one for POE (pony on earth) stories, but what the hell. It's decently written, so have a track.
1703074
He watched his mother get shot and the last thing she said to him was "Dont make a noise until I tell you its ok to." Then she died. She never told him that he could talk so that coupled with his severe mental trauma caused his muteness.
1707649
See my other comment above