Flaming wreckage at the bottom of a snowy cliff is all that is left to mark the end of two long standing friends. But a strange and whimsical turn of events grants the two young men another chance in a new world. Not all will be easy for these two, however and as time progresses, things spiral out of control, bringing out new fears, and old ones as well.When they drift apart, does it truly matter? What kind of strain does it put on a circle of close friends? What if they shared the same love interest?
Chapters (5)
the story so far is interesting, although I already read this.
Tabbing the beginning of a sentence makes it more organised, also, walls o' text. Not one giant wall, but walls nonetheless.
Line break, Why not Zoidberg? Btw good story, I like the way you are doing the details
685014 Thank you very much for the comment. And your right about Zoidberg, he's a crafty fellow
Upon your request, I've read and critiqued this chapter of your story. It's extremely long and filled with examples to back my claims, so I'll just post a few summarized snippets here as a public comment, and then below that, some subjective thoughts that aren't part of my critique.
A bit of copypasted stuff from the critique I PM'd you:
From a technical standpoint, you're at a middle ground. You use plenty of descriptive words and you manage to paint a few scenes that the reader can picture quite clearly, but you also misuse some terms and you tend to ramble and form redundancies and come across as someone trying to write above his actual level.
Your dialogue could also use some work; the characters both sound the same, like two clones having a conversation, and then later, an argument. The argument wasn't very gripping, either. They both got much more upset than necessary much more quickly than was called for, and then began passing out profanities and even threats like cheap cigars. That isn't how mature people argue, and it made both characters (who still seemed the same to me) much less relatable.
My purely subjective opinions about the plot so far:
It started off okay. I was willing to accept that a couple guys were stranded in Equestria, and I guess I can buy that this is where they ended up when they died for some reason, but my immersion was lost as soon as they started arguing over who gets to date Rainbow Dash, and it was further shattered when the one turned out to be abusive to her. I don't see Rainbow Dash putting up with that; she's a very no-nonsense mare. One of the least-liked fanfiction ideas is to insert your characters into the canon setting and have them form sexual relationships with the main cast, and it's even worse if the main cast has to break character in order for your story to work. Self-insertion and wish fulfillment are frowned upon by anyone looking at a story from a critical standpoint, despite how fun they might be to write. OCs are generally harder to succeed with than canon characters because there are just so many pitfalls with OCs, and this is especially true if your OC is human. This is a huge setting full of all sorts of cool characters! I would suggest writing about them, rather than OCs, at least until you're sure you can handle it.
Apologies if I came off as harsh, though I did give you fair warning when you PM'd me. I wasn't trying to be mean, and I honestly wish you the best. You're not a bad writer, not for a novice, but I think you chose a bad thing to write about. Keep at it; I would love to see you improve even more!
nice keep these up
723328 Thanks a bunch!
Hmmmm. Interesting, very, very interesting.
727658 Why do you find it interesting?
Well, I like the fact that you are deliberately keeping it a bit vague. I want to see how they grew apart so much.
Keep it up!
727820 Thank you! Next chapter will be out next Tuesday.
*Squee*
A manly squee.
755353 I'm guessing you read the chapter?
755387 Yes. Like I said.
*Manly Squee*
755393 What did you think of it?
755400 Very touching. In a manly way.
*Manly Squee*
the charecters are written well, twilight being british is rather funny and you've gotten the whole thing down rather well. here are 5 ditzy's.
and 5 pinkie's
and why not 10 moustaches?
So, the whole premise of this chapter was "No means no?"
Also, I love how you are adding the Zoidbergs in there to lighten the mood a little.
833031 That wasn't the premise of the chapter, though its one of the things one can learn as a reader. Do keep attention to Pinkie Pie, it'll pay off.
833037 Ahh, I get it. Okay then. Still love the story.
833041 Glad to hear it. Don't be afraid of making suggestions for the story at all.
758359 Really appreciate all the support!
833058 Uuuhhmmm. Okay then, uhmmm...Uhmmmm. Okay give me a minute here...I...think it needs improvement in the...hrmmm. Oh screw it, I give up.
833068 Haha XD Hit me on PM if you wanna talk about it for realz or anything really.
indeed, this chapter is good.
now for some pie to celebrate!
YOU SICK BASTARD. NOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAA!offensivelydefiantapparel.com/catalog/images/product-image/fuck_you_you_fucking_fuck.png
On the other hand, thanks for the new stories.
880163 It won't be permanent. I just need to step away from it for a while. Sorry.
880276 It's fine, but I hope one day you will see the error of your ways and come back to the light side...oh wait sorry, wrong place, I meant to the story.
880276 if your gonna be away from it for a while, just put it on hiatus, not cancel it.
Thats a shame i rather enjoyed this story
but alas have some bro-stauches
894030 Like I've said earlier. I'll probably continue it if I get a co-author.
Some critique: Ryan and Aramis sound way too much like eachother and I get the feeling that the argument came from nowhere.
I liked your descriptions of the environment though. So far this story is a 3/5.
iMad. I was LOVING this story....even though I just found it today.
This notice? Right in the feels man, right in the feels.
1190795 LoTI is going back into production in the upcoming week or so.
Hello there! Here's the stalinview as you requested long ago. Enjoy!
1302866 Thank you very much for the Stalinview! I've actually been re-writing bits and pieces of the story and one of the major things I'm addressing is the transitional elements in the first two chapters.