Twilight Sparkle has a crush on Big Mac but she dosen't know how to tell him that she likes him. She worries that Big Mac won't like her. Meanwhile In Sweet Apple Acres, Big Mac is having troubles too. He wonders if Twilight likes him. Will they get together?
This is my first fimfiction! Pls. Read it.
Rrrgh. No. Don't make your chapters so short. People don't like it.
1671136 I'll try to fix it up
1671182 Thanks... and take the above fellow's advice as well.
Hi-ho, Deep Pond of the Train Wreck Explorers here! I have a snazzy hat and everything. I'm here to give your story a looking-over.
i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll29/Lord_Talisman/mlfw5283-Fluffle_letsdothis_zps81d6c5cb.jpg
Um . . . okay. First, people are going to read or not read based on the description, and asking them to "Pls. Read it" is not going to get anyone to do so. It also looks very unprofessional.
Word of warning: "it's my first fic" will not save you from criticism. Not saying you're using it as a shield, I just thought I'd mention it.
On to the story itself, and OH GOD NO!
*is crushed under a wall of text*
Okay! First piece of advice: double-space your paragraphs. It makes your story a lot more readable, and nopony is going to like it if they can't read it, right?
New speaker, new paragraph. Always. No exceptions. None. Ever.
Write out numbers. "Second," not "2nd."
Words should have spaces between them. Specifically, there should be one space in between each pair of words: no more, no less. This
is wrong.
Pinkie Pie, not Pinkiepie. Apple Bloom, not Applebloom. Sweetie Belle, not SweetieBelle.
Always capitalize proper names and titles, the first word of every sentence, and the word "I" when referring to the speaker.
See those dots? Those are called ellipses (singular ellipsis). There should always be three of them in a set, not two, not four, not five.
Putting actions in between asterisks works for forums and IMs, but not in actual writing. Describe what's happening. In that case, you would put something like "The pegasus leaned over and whispered in Twilight's ear."
You have a bad case of show-don't-tell. Instead of just telling us something, describe it. Elaborate. Use all five senses. Paint a picture. Let us see what you see when you think of the scene.
Example:
Leaving aside the grammar issues for now, what does this tell us? Twilight was excited. How bland.
See how that shows Twilight's excitement without explicitly saying "Twilight was excited?" That's what I mean.
Also, your pacing is pretty darn fast. We go from "Sleepover time!" to revealing Twi's crush in less than 300 words. That is absurdly fast. You could devote an entire 2,000+ word chapter to the sleepover, and have Twi's reveal 3/4 of the way through it. The fact that Mac likes Twilight is tacked on at the end, and frankly feels like an afterthought; if you're going to follow McIntosh's point of view, it really deserves its own chapter
This isn't a bad concept, but you need to work on your craft quite a bit. I sincerely hope you do, as I want you to learn and get better. Remember, everypony sucks at writing when they start out, but it's the drive to improve that separates good writers from the rest.
Good luck!
i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
Deep Pond, TWE's knight of Gak
1671240 Thanks for the advice I'll try it. I'm just a little bit busy, can I use that idea of yours for chapter 1?
1671370
You mean showing Twilight's excitement? Sure, but I strongly encourage you to practice and find your own voice. My writing style reflects me, and you'll develop your own unique style with time.
1671396 Thx! I promise that I'll make and do this better.
I'll agree with clonetrooper-
just needs some formatting work (getting rid of the wall-o-text) and checking spacing between characters/ect
The formatting is terrible, and there should be a space after commas. Let me know when you fix this.
Jesus...
You need to get some editors. Seriously... there should never be that big of a wall of text. Punctuation is also an issue...
Frankly, you need someone to read over and fix your story.
1671549
Read a whole lot before you write. Seriously, the best writers on here read a ton.
i'm gonna guess... no.