The tale of a young colt named Wordsworth Psmith meeting his best friend Might. Quick 1-shot request from Rackenhammer.
Want to make a request for a story about your OC?
Make an account with Canterlot.com and post here:
http://www.canterlot.com/topic/12603-midnights-short-story-request-thread-yay/
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Don't take my critique the wrong way, but I noticed a large amount of flaws in this story. The first thing I noticed was the switching between past and present tenses in this blurb at the beginning of your chapter.
"Was" indicates that the story is taking place in the past, but "today" being used in the narrative would indicate the story taking place in the present. In addition, it is unnecessary to repeat the word "today" immediately after using it. A simple "either" would suffice. The blurb should be more along the lines of:
Ah, much better.
Alright, another thing I noticed was your rather.. lackluster spelling. Example:
"Lout" is a word meaning an uncouth or aggressive male. Unless he sighed out an uncouth male, I believe the word you're looking for is "Loud".
"Exited" is a word meaning leaving or departure. I doubt the impending winter break would.. exit him, whatever that means. The proper word is "excited". While your comma use isn't technically incorrect, it is a little overdone. It would be ideal to rid yourself of the first comma, combining the "which" with the beginning portion of the sentence. I would also like to point out your misspelling of "Wordsworth", which you spelled "Wordworth".
Considering the myriad amount of errors in your story, I would suggest finding an editor to assist you with the basics. In that regard, I would be more than happy to help you.
Edited, the blurb looks more like this:
The power of proofreading is matched only by the power of the gods.
I noticed you seem to have a problem when it comes to dialogue, such as with this section:
When you have a dialogue such as this, it is important to indicate who is speaking. I have absolutely no idea who is talking, nor how many speakers there are, or in what tone they are speaking in. It is also nice to give characters a modicum of description at the very least before they speak, if only to add atmosphere, but I'll leave that up to you. You forgot several punctuation marks as well. If I'm not mistaken, "Who needs math anyways!" is a question, and therefore should be punctuated with a question mark, not an exclamation point.
A more proper set of dialogue here would be:
When you add more details, it makes a bland dialogue vastly more vibrant. Details are an excellent tool of literature, and are important in keeping your audience interested. Even if the premise is somewhat interesting, if it has no details and uses overly bland and repetitive word choice, chances are it won't resonate with many people, unless you're shooting for a rather.. young audience, in which case dealing with your spelling, punctuation, and grammar errors would be even more important.
To be perfectly honest, I didn't really like how you ended the chapter. While the rest of it was more or less fleshed out, the way you ended was incredibly rushed. You go from the two barely knowing each other to being best buddies in less than a paragraph, and that simply isn't good storytelling. Instead of just stating that they became good friends, it would have been far better to have their relationship grow over the course of the story, which would make for an interesting read if performed well.
Oh, and Might Batsman?
Names are a choice thing, but.. it seems just a little over the top, you know?
One more thing. If you ever want help with the quality of your story, I'd be more than willing to edit it. I strongly suggest getting an editor, someone else if not me, to assist. The premise is alright, but the execution?
Not so much. Anyways..
-Temperance, the Guileless Philosopher
Thanks mate! I ended up typing a lot of this via my smartphone, so there were a few dumb mistakes I haven't had time to fix yet. Thanks for pointing these out to me!
-Midnight
1647363
Okay, I just read through this whole comment, and would like to point something out: I didn't name the characters. This is a request from a fellow forum user, so Might Batsman was not my doing.
Also, It looks rushed because I wrote most of this in between classes at school.
On a smartphone
Try it sometime, see how well you write. I'm a very busy man, and I don't need an editor, but if I ever do I shall let you know.
Chao
-Midnight
1671952
My apologies, then.
If I may, I would suggest telling your friend what I said, so that they may improve their writing skills.
1671988
That friend is not a writer, but a roleplayer. And I see no reason to attempt to give someone a lesson about writing. It makes me seem.....rather condescending
1672002 If you don't want to, it's your prerogative, but it is my belief that everyone benefits from constructive criticism, regardless if they are a writer or a role-player, or have any other hobby or profession.
Critique is as important to success as practice, maybe even more so, but like I said, it's up to you. I'm not going to force you to do anything.
1672043
And how would I approach the subject?
"Hey! Sorry to tell you this, but someone on FIMFiction says your names are "Over the top" so come up with better ones. K thanx Bai!"
Yeah, I don't think so.....
1672061 I agree, that is not the best way to approach the subject. If you said it more politely and offered alternative names that were less overdone, it would likely go over better.
Since Mister Batsman is an earth pony, a nature-related name or nickname could be a good alternative. Or, perhaps something related to loyalty or defense of others.
Like I said, though, it's up to you.
1672127
I'm not changing it, and I refuse to tell someone, or even hint , that their created name is bad, because it is not my place. Nor is it yours.
1672151 That's fine. I said it was up to you, and if you don't want to inform your friend of my criticism, that is your prerogative. I understand your refusal to criticize his naming abilities, as that is a matter of choice, but I would suggest telling him about the other flaws if he wants to become better at writing.
If you do not wish to do so, I understand.
1672223
Other flaws? Do tell
1672266 The rest of my critique above, for example.
1672279
And again, I
The rest was my doing. Wordsworth and Might are his characters, and he gave me the boarding school pitch, but other than that, all me.
Do not get me wrong, I appreciate you reading and critiquing my story, however I'm afraid it's still a requested story. Would Might Batsman be my first choice for a pony's name? Not really, but I respect the individual's right to name his OC's whatever he pleases, and to be honest I couldn't care less what his skill in naming/roleplaying/writing is. He requested a story, I wrote one. The End. I don't know how long you have been reading fanfics here, but Might is probably one of the least ridiculous names I've seen. Heck, I'd be a hypocrite to judge names. Midnight Blackhorn? Sounds like something an angsty teen would dream up.
Oh wait.....
1672327 My apologies.. If your friend was only behind the names, then he does not require any criticism. The rest of it is directed at you, the writer, then. I apologize for my blunder.
1672373
It's cool
Perhaps you might take a look at Lunar Love sometime? (My other story)
You know, on a second thought, perhaps I could use an editor. You seem like a very savvy person when it comes to this sort of thing. That is, if you are up for it
1672381
I would be more than willing to edit your writing, if you wish me to. I will take a look at your other story, as well.
Thanks!
Here's a link to Lunar love: Lunar Love