Chapter 1
It was just another day in the school Wordsworth went to. Nothing good had happened that day. Of course, nothing bad had happened either. Wordsworth swore that was the motto of the school: pure boredom. He sighed out lout. It was almost time for winter break, which, to an extent, excited Wordworth. Honestly, sometimes I swear my IQ drops considerably when around these ponies. Why did I have to transfer? He sighed again. He wished he had something to do, someone to hang out with. Unfortunately for poor Wordsworth, he wasn't exactly the most popular pony around. As a matter of fact, he swore that his fellow classmates were simply avoiding him has he walked through the brick-brown halls. This place needs to be destroyed he thought to himself. Or at least painted a different color He laughed at the thought, knowing full well no matter what color you paint this boring old school, the boring old school part remains. Weather it was a brown colored boring old school, or a green colored boring old school, it was still boring and still old. Like putting a ribbon on a hydra
he thought to himself.
"Man, I can't believe that lecture today. It was just sooooo boring!" A nearby student said to another
"Yeah! Who needs math anyways! Wait a second, here comes Wordsworth" the second replied
"Oh yeah, him. He talks waaay too much" a third chimed in, laughing
"Let's get out of here before he sees us!" the first said
Wordsworth was walking to his next class when he overheard the other students talking about him again. He couldn't, for the life of him, understand why they felt that way about him. Okay, so maybe I do get a little chatty from time to time, but is that any reason to dislike a pony? Because he is intelligent? he thought to himself. Oh dear, here he comes
"Hey, Wordsworth! Don't you ignore me, get over here!"
The voice of the one pony he despised. His name was Steelhoof, and he was what you might call a bully. He had been picking on Wordsworth since the day he transferred to this infernal school, and Wordsworth was actually quite tired of him. He seemed more a timberwolf than a pony; he was one of the tallest colts Wordsworth had ever seen, and today he seemed to be in a particularly sour mood. Wordsworth slowly walked over to him.
"Oh, I am sorry, were you speaking to me? Or yourself perhaps? I wouldn't talk to you, personally. You seem rather dull. I think an apple would have more interesting things to speak about than you. If it is a battle of wits you are looking for Steelhoof, I am terribly sorry to say this, but you are rather unarmed. As a man of honor, I don't fight the unarmed, so consider yourself lucky. After all, we would hate to see your reputation get ruined when I leave you crying, correct?"
"What did you just say to me, nerd?"
Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear oh dear, Wordsworth what have you gotten yourself into now? he thought to himself
"Hey, Steelhoof! Why don't you leave him alone!"
Wordsworth turned to see another colt; an earth pony. He had never met this pony, but he looked strong. Hmmm....Perhaps not all these ponies are rude brutes he thought to himself
"What did you just say to me?" Steelhoof said to the new colt
"I said, why don't you leave him alone" the colt said
"Why should I?" Steelhoof asked
"How about this: I challenge you to a hoof wrestling match"
Steelhoof laughed at the colt's suggestion
"Okay, lets say I hoof wrestle you. When I win, what do I get?"
"If you win, I give you my weekly allowance, 5 bits. But if I win, you leave this guy alone" he pointed a hoof at Wordsworth
Steelhoof laughed "Okay then, I hope you have that 5 bits ready, 'cause you're about to lose 'em"
They walked towards each other. They were in the cafeteria, so there was no shortage of tables for the competition to take place on.
"So, what's your name then?" Steelhoof asked
"Might Batsman" the colt replied.
"Ready?"
"Whenever you are"
The 2 colts began wrestling. Steelhoof was obviously trying his hardest to pin Might's hoof to the table but it wouldn't budge.
"I am quite certain this.....rather neanderthalic show of strength is unnecessary. How about we work out a more....diplomatic way of working this out?"
Both colts looked at Wordsworth, eyebrows raised in a kind of "Are you serious?" expression
"What? It was just a suggestion." Wordsworth said. Steelhoof rolled his eyes
"You make my teeth ache" Steelhoof said. Might and Steelhoof refocused on their match, with Steelhoof still struggling to push Might's hoof down
"Having trouble?" Might asked Steelhoof
"Be quiet!" Steelhoof snapped
Might yawned as Steelhoof struggled.
"Well, that's enough of this" he said. Then, in one movement he pinned Steelhoof's hoof to the table. "I win" he said with a smirk.
"Wh-wh-WHAT? But I've never lost a hoof wrestle before!"
"Well, now you have" Might said. "Now, about our deal"
"Fine, sod it all I'll leave the nerd alone"
"Good. Now as for you" Might said, turning to Wordsworth "What is your name?"
"Wordsworth. Wordsworth Psmith"
"Psmith, eh? Nice to meet you. Have you eaten yet?"
"Now that you mention it" His stomach grumbled "I am rather famished"
"How convenient! So am I" Might said. They trotted off to get a bite to eat
After that day, the two colts became very good friends. As it turns out, they were both transferred from other schools, and neither really cared much for it. They hung out as much as possible from then on, and almost always got into trouble together.
Steelhoof stayed true to his word, and didn't pick on Wordsworth again. Funny enough, he and Might became friends after their match, such is the way of honorable colts.
Wordsworth himself was happy that he had made a friend who was willing to go on silly adventures with him.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Perhaps I will write more chapters for this. Some things might change depending on the opinion of the OC's creator, but this is my semi finalized version.
As in the description I take requests. If you frequent canterlot.com as I do, just find any topic I've posted in, and click on the story request thread link in my sig.
For the rest of you, just create an account with canterlot and do the same.
Hope to hear from you all!
-Midnight
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Don't take my critique the wrong way, but I noticed a large amount of flaws in this story. The first thing I noticed was the switching between past and present tenses in this blurb at the beginning of your chapter.
"Was" indicates that the story is taking place in the past, but "today" being used in the narrative would indicate the story taking place in the present. In addition, it is unnecessary to repeat the word "today" immediately after using it. A simple "either" would suffice. The blurb should be more along the lines of:
Ah, much better.
Alright, another thing I noticed was your rather.. lackluster spelling. Example:
"Lout" is a word meaning an uncouth or aggressive male. Unless he sighed out an uncouth male, I believe the word you're looking for is "Loud".
"Exited" is a word meaning leaving or departure. I doubt the impending winter break would.. exit him, whatever that means. The proper word is "excited". While your comma use isn't technically incorrect, it is a little overdone. It would be ideal to rid yourself of the first comma, combining the "which" with the beginning portion of the sentence. I would also like to point out your misspelling of "Wordsworth", which you spelled "Wordworth".
Considering the myriad amount of errors in your story, I would suggest finding an editor to assist you with the basics. In that regard, I would be more than happy to help you.
Edited, the blurb looks more like this:
The power of proofreading is matched only by the power of the gods.
I noticed you seem to have a problem when it comes to dialogue, such as with this section:
When you have a dialogue such as this, it is important to indicate who is speaking. I have absolutely no idea who is talking, nor how many speakers there are, or in what tone they are speaking in. It is also nice to give characters a modicum of description at the very least before they speak, if only to add atmosphere, but I'll leave that up to you. You forgot several punctuation marks as well. If I'm not mistaken, "Who needs math anyways!" is a question, and therefore should be punctuated with a question mark, not an exclamation point.
A more proper set of dialogue here would be:
When you add more details, it makes a bland dialogue vastly more vibrant. Details are an excellent tool of literature, and are important in keeping your audience interested. Even if the premise is somewhat interesting, if it has no details and uses overly bland and repetitive word choice, chances are it won't resonate with many people, unless you're shooting for a rather.. young audience, in which case dealing with your spelling, punctuation, and grammar errors would be even more important.
To be perfectly honest, I didn't really like how you ended the chapter. While the rest of it was more or less fleshed out, the way you ended was incredibly rushed. You go from the two barely knowing each other to being best buddies in less than a paragraph, and that simply isn't good storytelling. Instead of just stating that they became good friends, it would have been far better to have their relationship grow over the course of the story, which would make for an interesting read if performed well.
Oh, and Might Batsman?
Names are a choice thing, but.. it seems just a little over the top, you know?
One more thing. If you ever want help with the quality of your story, I'd be more than willing to edit it. I strongly suggest getting an editor, someone else if not me, to assist. The premise is alright, but the execution?
Not so much. Anyways..
-Temperance, the Guileless Philosopher
Thanks mate! I ended up typing a lot of this via my smartphone, so there were a few dumb mistakes I haven't had time to fix yet. Thanks for pointing these out to me!
-Midnight
1647363
Okay, I just read through this whole comment, and would like to point something out: I didn't name the characters. This is a request from a fellow forum user, so Might Batsman was not my doing.
Also, It looks rushed because I wrote most of this in between classes at school.
On a smartphone
Try it sometime, see how well you write. I'm a very busy man, and I don't need an editor, but if I ever do I shall let you know.
Chao
-Midnight
1671952
My apologies, then.
If I may, I would suggest telling your friend what I said, so that they may improve their writing skills.
1671988
That friend is not a writer, but a roleplayer. And I see no reason to attempt to give someone a lesson about writing. It makes me seem.....rather condescending
1672002 If you don't want to, it's your prerogative, but it is my belief that everyone benefits from constructive criticism, regardless if they are a writer or a role-player, or have any other hobby or profession.
Critique is as important to success as practice, maybe even more so, but like I said, it's up to you. I'm not going to force you to do anything.
1672043
And how would I approach the subject?
"Hey! Sorry to tell you this, but someone on FIMFiction says your names are "Over the top" so come up with better ones. K thanx Bai!"
Yeah, I don't think so.....
1672061 I agree, that is not the best way to approach the subject. If you said it more politely and offered alternative names that were less overdone, it would likely go over better.
Since Mister Batsman is an earth pony, a nature-related name or nickname could be a good alternative. Or, perhaps something related to loyalty or defense of others.
Like I said, though, it's up to you.
1672127
I'm not changing it, and I refuse to tell someone, or even hint , that their created name is bad, because it is not my place. Nor is it yours.
1672151 That's fine. I said it was up to you, and if you don't want to inform your friend of my criticism, that is your prerogative. I understand your refusal to criticize his naming abilities, as that is a matter of choice, but I would suggest telling him about the other flaws if he wants to become better at writing.
If you do not wish to do so, I understand.
1672223
Other flaws? Do tell
1672266 The rest of my critique above, for example.
1672279
And again, I
The rest was my doing. Wordsworth and Might are his characters, and he gave me the boarding school pitch, but other than that, all me.
Do not get me wrong, I appreciate you reading and critiquing my story, however I'm afraid it's still a requested story. Would Might Batsman be my first choice for a pony's name? Not really, but I respect the individual's right to name his OC's whatever he pleases, and to be honest I couldn't care less what his skill in naming/roleplaying/writing is. He requested a story, I wrote one. The End. I don't know how long you have been reading fanfics here, but Might is probably one of the least ridiculous names I've seen. Heck, I'd be a hypocrite to judge names. Midnight Blackhorn? Sounds like something an angsty teen would dream up.
Oh wait.....
1672327 My apologies.. If your friend was only behind the names, then he does not require any criticism. The rest of it is directed at you, the writer, then. I apologize for my blunder.
1672373
It's cool
Perhaps you might take a look at Lunar Love sometime? (My other story)
You know, on a second thought, perhaps I could use an editor. You seem like a very savvy person when it comes to this sort of thing. That is, if you are up for it
1672381
I would be more than willing to edit your writing, if you wish me to. I will take a look at your other story, as well.
Thanks!
Here's a link to Lunar love: Lunar Love