"You have a task: to release yourselves from this Web of Wisdom, this knotted Maze of Delirium...
You must enter the nuclear portals of the Electric Castle!"
-A ballad of inconceivable oddity, based off of the incomparable work by Ayreon
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Crossing over ItEC with ponies is an interesting idea. However, I'd say you're sticking far too close to the album. This presents a few negatives.
I already know how it will all turn out. I know who dies and in what song. I know what most of the lines of dialogue will be before they are even spoken. There's no feeling of pony, in either the characters or the setting. You could use some other show and, other than changing Celestia to a different name, maybe a couple of other words, not much changes. You constrain yourself to a medium you aren't using, which has to use lyrics to get across what is happening, so not exactly going to have action sequences and so on. Overall, I might as well fire up ItEC or Star One's Live on Earth (for the highlights).
For a crossover to work well, it needs to take elements from both stories and merge them into a new whole. I'd suggest The Detective and the Magician or The Best Night Ever as a pair of excellent examples. The former re-imagines Sherlock Holmes as a pony. The latter redoes Groundhog's Day. Both do an excellent job of being true to both of their source materials.
I think if you took the cast you have, maybe with a couple of tweaks (a pony from the time Discord ruled, pre-Royal Sisters might be interesting in the mix, for example), and then turned them loose in the castle, letting things fall as they may, it would make for a more interesting story. Use the album as inspiration, not an outline/script.
OMG!!! Someone else who's an Ayreonaut!!!
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Arjen is awesome. Just wish he'd tour stateside sometime. Would love to hear some of his stuff live. And now for some of his Star One and a little Clockwork Orange:
I'm going to go with the above comment. This is a great idea, but leaves very little to the imagination. I think the best thing you could do is to create NEW dialogue, instead of taking lines from the album. At the very least, tweak them around a bit so they don't all sound like they speak in Zebra. Describe the setting a bit more, and the emotions they go through.
For the first song, describe the characters a bit more. Instead of just plopping us into the middle of the story, describe what they were doing before they were taken away. Give them a bit more depth.
Isis and Osiris is the longest song on the album, and could easily be a 4,000 word chapter at minimum. A little over 1,000, I'm sorry to say, just does not cut it. It's pretty much like you've taken the album and put 'pony' and 'celestia' where human and god should be.
It's a good concept, don't get me wrong, and I'm overjoyed that you wanted to do something like this. But it does need some work.