She couldn't have made it herself. A solitary bookkeeper, long disillusioned with the "dream job" of maintaining the Canterlot archive, becomes the unwitting guide to a panicked Princess of the Night in the deepest recesses of their voluminous libraries.
Deep underneath the shelves and scroll racks, through the perilous and twisting caverns and gnarled trap-laden corridors, he realizes she isn't just seeking a getaway from the pedantic Canterlot politics. She's seeking to destroy an evil as old as the night sky itself. An evil that...well, she couldn't have made it herself...
Chapters (17)
Author's comment.
Wow, first story submitted to FimFiction. I feel so special.
There is a bit of a background to what prompted me to write this. The story begins back in the summer of 2011. I had spent the last nine months unemployed, but had gone through quite a bit that year. I had developed myself artistically with my time off, and started to delve into the artistic side of comics. I made the transition from unemployed to freelancing comic colorist over the course of all that free time, and having spent the last year jumping from a variety of comic projects and interning at a startup web design company making Flash games, I found that I actually had quite a "retribution story" of sorts. So I started penning out my memoirs, and started a writing project that would turn into a 40,000 word story called "Laid Off."
A couple months into "Laid Off," I got a job working back at the place I was originally let go from, so you could imagine, I had to immediately stop those memoirs as to not jeopardize gainful employment. Kind of an unfortunate loss; I had a lot of plans for it, and was just starting to get to the core message.
A month after halting "Laid Off," I was contacted by a number of people who asked about my interest in writing My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic fanfiction. Sure, I was joking most of the times, coming up with spontaneous plots and ridiculous ideas that just poured into my head, yet some took me seriously enough to actually inquire on my progress on these silly literary endeavors. Progress? Pretty much none, much to their disappointment.
Yet one guy. Curran...
He sent me a rather interesting message in December, 2011. He was given a Christmas gift-art of his OC, a black-coated, navy blue-maned unicorn who was a total bookworm. His inquiry was quite simple. "I like your writing, could you write this character's bio for me? Doesn't have to be too long."
So I started asking questions. What's he like? What does he do? Dreams and aspirations?
"He's a direct scribe to Princess Luna. However, they share a forbidden romantic interest in one another, and have to rendezvous in secret, and nopony can find out about it."
So as you could imagine, after about sixty-five-and-a-half minutes of laughing (sorry Curran, but you gotta admit self-insert Luna/OC shipfics kinda explain themselves) I started writing down a rather lengthy dissertation about the lengths you have to go through to sell a Luna/OC shipfic, and explaining that it never really could be pulled off...especially like a fanbase such as this. I even threw out suggestions and ideas in the process of ranting about how a direct scribe to Luna is nowhere near as interesting as making them a lowly bottom-feeding undersecretary in a bloated Canterlot hierarchy, and that in order for it to work the story would have to be driven by great celestial magics that would only be found in, oh I dunno, ancient Equestrian archives.
And lo, that rant...became Starstruck.
"See...this is why I chose you."
Right now, this story has been in the works, on and off, for the past year. Mostly it was a project between myself and Curran, and a little bit of outside help from artists like Arctic and some of our pre-reader friends who took some time to give it a look-over. In its current state, Starstruck is over 300 pages in length, and is already half written. Chapters 1-4 are complete, chapter 5 will be done by next week, and the entirety of the massive third act is already done.
This is the largest story I've ever written, so I really hope you guys enjoy it as much as I (claim to) have had writing it!
So, you are a professional?
I hate to shoot you, but the FLP comunity have a tendency to shoot people for 3 things; bad fics, wall of text and long chapters. You have one, and borders to a second one
Seriously, anything longer than 7k words is considered very long here. Anytihing past 10k words is considered to long unless the story is made up of separate stories.
The wall of text part prety much means that no paragraph should be longer than 8-12 lines
I am only mentioning this to you because i want to give you a heads up
300pages long? are you kidding me? that is like over 150 thousand words! Jeses, that's about 1/4 of the bible
I have to read this
Holy shit.
Holy. Shit. By all that is good wonderful in the world...this is the motherlode. This is without a doubt...Jesus H. Christ, I can't even think clearly. This is a story, man. This right here is the shit you tell to your kid during a stormy night, or around a campfire. I'd almost forgotten what it felt like to be utterly enthralled with a tale.
I can't even begin to thank you enough for this. Just...keep...going.
Good grief! I would have turned that pompous fool into a statue on the spot..
1556861 I agree with the first two issues but why do you consider longer chapters to be a problem? I would think it would be good as long as it isn't going into 20k or anything. Assuming it is divided sensibly and chapters aren't mashed together to give an illusion of length I don't see a problem.
Anyway the well-written description caught my interest and the author comment above me sold it. I'll read this tonight.
1557170
I personally don't consider long chapters to be bad, it's the comunity that does. The problem is that lenghty chapters tend to be long because of: "more words look good, right?". Thus they write the chapters longer than necesary. Those few that can wtire long chapters usually never go past 7k words (except for a few clopfic authors). Also longer chapters means that you loose the readers interrest a lot easier.
Heck, people start to shout wall of text if there is less than 3 paragraphs in 1 page
I try to limit my stories to maximum 5k words per chapter. Anything else and i might risk getting a headache while prof reading
Wow, already approved! And comments are coming in! This is quite surprising to me actually, I thought it would be a couple weeks before I even started getting glances. FimFiction gets so much content on a regular basis, and it takes so long to even peruse a single story to determine whether its worth commenting on or not, it's great to see that my lowly expectations are trumped. Having previously zero presence at all on FimFiction just makes your comments all the more sweeter, because every bit of insight is a massive step towards developing my literary senses.
1556861 Thanks for voicing your concerns over the chapter length, as this is my primary concern over the first chapter as well. If I was truly aspiring to write via printed medium, I know I would be harangued for daring joke about a fifty-plus page opening chapter. All those poor helpless trees, lost! Ain't nobody got any space on their bookshelf for that! Gotta open with a bang that gets right to the point! I hear you, and I very much share your sentiment that a common literary error is the assumption of "quantity > quality." The first chapter alone would disqualify this story from being greenlit from widescale production, just because of its size!
That's why I need feedback like your's, so that I can find the reason and drive to go back and edit the story (in this case, shortening it down and rewriting poorly paced sections in the interest of keeping readers hooked early on). I would find it a tremendous help if you, and all other readers, could enlighten me as to what parts you felt were kinda slogging, because unfortunately, I'm way too biased in my favor (and fatigued from writing all this) to have an insight more valuable than the average reader's.
1556891 A gigantic thanks for your super-kind and encouraging words! I really do appreciate penning a sort of "campfire tale." Curran actually sent me a message (totally interrupting my day off reserved for Borderlands 2) squealing with delight upon reading your comment! Like him, I too am getting quite a nice warm surge of motivation from your feedback, thank you.
1557086 100% agreed. Stormblade is a bit of a literary experiment of sorts. We've all seen the Mary Sue protagonist. Stormblade was originally supposed to be a parody of Mary Sue protagonists at first, making him sort of a jerk and a fool. But after some reworking of the narrative, we shifted his personality into an existing character, thus getting a two-for-one deal that merged the bumbling idiot archetype into the self-indulgent malevolent archetype. The end result is...well....that horrible thing. Stormblade is an attempt at crafting the Mary Sue antagonist. Bonus points if you guys read Stormblade's lines in Zap Brannigan's voice.
1557170 Thanks for the compliment on what you've read so far! I know it's a huge amount to take in, certainly a limiting factor for a lot of readers seeking a story they can ingest while baking a pizza, but I really do hope you enjoy it tonight! If you're the type who likes giving constructive feedback, feel free to bug me in the comments with any problems you have with the story as well! I'm particularly interested in factors like pacing (considering the chapter's length), and if there are any parts of the story you feel could be condensed. I'm always looking for ways to improve my writing, and the unbiased objectivity of strangers residing comfortably behind the nebulous barriers of Internet anonymity are prime candidates for solid feedback.
1557086 I agree. The Second Captain is a bit full of himself.
*cough* your's means "your is" *cough*
Actually, the most important hours for a fanfic is the few hours after it is released. This is the time it is on the frontpage (there have just been published few stories lately. either that or mods are lazy). It has to use that time to get as many thumbs as possible. That way it might reach the frontpage. If it does so it wil stay there for a while, and actually get a LOT of views.
This also makes the first 3 chapters VERY important. You'll have to catch the reader, and make him click the star button
A tip while prof reading; put down the story a few days and don't think about it. Pick it up agian, and attach a note in word everywhere you find mistakes. The note should contain what's wrong and where.
When you are through the entire story you can start correcting them. It's a trick i use a lot.
1557344 Curran should be extremely pleased he found you. You are the one-in-a-million author who would actually pen his idea to paper (so to speak). I still plan on reading it soon (I am currently busy ignoring my research paper that is due tomorrow) but I only need to read the comments to know it has some sort of quality to it. The idea that a writer would take an idea that he finds laughable and turn it into a novel is incredible.
Curran, since I am sure you will read this, you had better kiss this guy's feet. If you have been doing that then buy him some ice cream.
While we are partners in this, Paco, you are absolutely 100% right on all counts. I am insanely lucky I found Vest for this project. I write on my own and contribute to Starstruck, but this would be anywhere CLOSE to what it has become without Vest's help and complete insane amounts of patience with me. I owe him way more than an ice cream. Unless we're talking about like...a lot of ice cream. A LOT.
Since I'm posting here now (will fix that blank flank avatar afterwards) but I can give my spin on this, and lemme tell you folks, this whole thing has been just incredibly fun for me. And it has also been very inspiring. Vest is a wonderful partner, and we jam well together with ideas. The love-to-hate-him Stormblade is a product of our discussions and chats. It began as a talk about really over the top OCs, then I suggested "hey, maybe there's some dopey officer who is all those things we're complaining about?", then Vest comes back with a characterization of him and before we know it, we have a pretty interesting character on our hands...who writes self-insert Luna shipping IN a story. That's like an inception of awesomeness here. We have a great chemistry, and Vest not only has amazing talent (wait til we get to some later scenes and he will blow your mind with how he can twist a scene in cool ways) but he has a work ethic that floors me. There have been times early in this process where I'd fire a note on dA off to him, go to bed, and that morning wake up to have 4000-5000 words of the idea turned into a writing snippet. Dude is turbo awesome and he is the reason this project is going so well. We may be a team, but if it was just me, it wouldn't be anywhere as close to what we got.
I also need to thank Arctic Sekai for her contributions of cover art and, once we get further down the line, some other art of the whole thing. I also need to thank bunnimation from dA for contributing more art for it. And hey, I get to thank Vest AGAIN for contributing. The art for chapter 2 is a combination of bunni and Vest's jumbo-size buckets of talent and skill.
Finally, I want to thank all of you for your feedback. Starstruck is a big project for me, but I freely acknowledge that it is my indulgence and an act of fun for me. But to find it being one of the things I am most proud of writing, and to have people thanking us for doing it...just wow. There is nowhere near enough gratitude I have for this whole thing.
And I am all kinds of encouraged and excited not only in getting this up, but also in the first wave of feedback. Vest and I have done a great deal of work and have had a blast, and now we're diving into the good stuff real soon. And trust me when I tell you all this, if you think Vest has wowed you with his prose...this roller coaster is just getting started.
Anyway, time for me to poke around here and get my avatar to not be so blank slate zombie pony. Thanks again, everyone!
1557657 Oh don't you worry, Curran certainly contributes quite a lot to this project. This isn't one of those "he bounced an idea off my noggin and I went from there all by myself." He has been a very active participant in the writing process, and puts just as much energy and resources into this as I do. We build upon each other's literary strengths. He's really good at progressing an idea, and keeping a coherent pace. That's something I have difficulty with, as I like to frequently pause and expound upon what has just transpired in a scene. I'll bring the story to a crashing halt as to explore the psychological and metaphorical implications of a certain scene, thus summoning him to swoop in, flip-kick the thesaurus out of my mitts, and get the darned story rolling again.
I wouldn't be able to do this without his help.
He's also a solid proof-reader, a great originator of ideas, and has been a golden asset with commissioning supplemental artwork for this project. The majority of artwork interspersed at the beginning of these chapters were out of his pocket.
And instead of ice cream, he bought me X:COM on Steam. Seems fair to me. =)
Well, now. After reading the second chapter, I must digress -- I am torn, good sir. I am torn in choosing whether to laugh at the good Captain Jingle-Jangle or to mercilessly beat him in the face with a tire iron. Or, perhaps, is it possible to choose both at the same time? A bystander would view such a course of action as rather...unbalanced, yet I think it a necessary one. The fact is, I think Jingle-Jangle is my favorite character, so far, in the sense that you just love to hate him. He's so pompous, self centered, and utterly detrimental to any situation whatsoever, that I'm reminded of a lame, deformed baby animal; something so pathetic and sickening that you simply can't help but look at it with fascination.
Gina, on the other hand, scares me. That much unbridled power has great and terrible potential. God forbid she sharpens her sword, so to speak. I am mildly confused, though, as to the source of the voices that she hears. Are they truly belonging to some malignant force, or are they merely the product of a shattered mind, somehow put into a living death for uncountable years? One would assume, judging from the story and from some creative liberties, that she was sent on some mission by Luna, to retrieve the Element of Magic, so many centuries ago. But why? Was it when Luna was in her Nightmare state, and therefore nefarious in nature? Or something else?
And now we introduce the supposed centerpiece of the the tale, the entire reason you wrote it: Devon. I don't know what to make of him yet, but I like what you've built him as; a bright young adult wallowing in the monotony and repetition of a useless and possibly unnecessary job. A grim fate that is not entirely uncommon in the real world, as it happens. There's really not much to say of him at this point, as not much has been said already - only one scene, and methinks it to be a filler at that. I already know the direction you plan to take him in. The question remains, how?
The questions keep mounting, the suspense grows thicker, and I find myself unable to look away from this glorious train wreck of a story. Whomever you are, you wonderful bastard of an Author, my figurative hat goes off to you.
EDIT: I put the word out about this. I have a number of people who follow me, and with their help, we might get it featured.
golly sweet allegory what in tarnation is this thing. naaah... wait a minute, this seems to have a premise as good as THIS.
do take a look at the link and i think you'll be flattered good man.
i'm putting this in my must read section... along that other fic i gave a link to that i have yet to finish
This story is in my read later list. Looks interesting enough.
However, I will not read the story until you are able to cut down those chapters. I don't necessarily mean take out a bunch of material, just split them up into separate chapters.
You can even do like: Chapter 1.1; Chapter 1.2; Chapter 1.3; etc.
1558094 I was tempted to break up the first chapter, but I didn't want people to consider 1.1 or 1.2 to be a good stopping place. Chapter 1 ends on an image I want to leave people with on their first pick-up, just so they can get the full scope of insane lengths this antagonist will go. Hopefully, by the end of the first chapter, I hope they consider that a good place to take a breather for the day, but still feel compelled to pick up to chapter 2 later on.
Trust me, I'm not disagreeing with you at all. I know from your comment, and the comments of several above, that opening chapter length is really going to make people hesitate on picking this up. It was my biggest concern when I posted it. Yet, the more I thought about it, the less I wanted to break it up. I didn't want people to stop at what I considered "lesser" climaxes than the one achieved at the end of the first chapter. That's why I'm hoping for a few brave souls to take the risk, give it a try, and let me know if it's worth their while.
Those who do, I really do appreciate it.
Those who do...and give me lots of thorough criticism, I will love them forever.
Big chapters, what's not to love? Faved for later.
Aaaaaaand, there we are. Enjoy that spot in the feature box.
1558094 But there's nothing better than devoting an hour or so to reading. If you read little ten minute chunks you don't have enough time to immerse yourself.
1557361 I would say if his ego were any bigger it wouldn't fit in his body, but I think he's past that.
1558445 no doubt. He reminds me of almost any braggart character in movies, plays, books, and (rarely) video games. Those are the characters that make you want to punch them in the face but laugh at when they run away scared.
Sounds interesting. I will track and read when I can. Keep up the good work.
1558299 Sweet mother of Jesus Jones! Yay! Thank you so much for the feature! Curran and I are both super-excited to land the spot, and are so glad that you liked it so much! Chapter 3 incoming the middle of next week, so stick around! I promise, the next few chapters are more consistent in length to the second chapter, it's just that first one that's so large.
1558445 1558526 He's definitely an ego-driven character. Stormblade is a combination of several factors. He thinks that he's some hotshot action hero of sorts, so of course he's going to have this obnoxious two-dimensional candor like Duke Nukem. He's also going to consider his leadership impeccable, so he's got a lot of Zap Brannigan in his system. And as one who has read a few too many poorly-written love stories, he's totally got that delusional "fillies just swoon and collapse in my arms" whimsy dancing around in his head. He's pretty much every negative connotation of your everyday Mary Sue protagonist, but flipped around to make him into the most malevolent of sinister ravagers of sanity: the Mary Sue antagonist. Seeing people hate him vehemently so early on in the story is very encouraging, and I'm stoked to see that people are wishing an amount of misfortune and humiliation upon him that merely pales in comparison to what I have planned. It's dangerous as a writer to make promises about scenes that are only bulletted lists at this point, but if there's one guarantee I'll put my credibility upon, it's this.
I promise, as one who grew up bullied by jocks, meatheads, and authoritative windbags, Stormblade will get the full force of vengeance I've had simmering in my psyche for the last decade of life.
1558982 Thanks! Glad to hear you plan on giving it a try! I know it's going to take a bit of energy to get through such a lengthy first chapter (and these chapters are going to average 20-30 pages apiece, heads up). But really do hope you enjoy the read, and that it was worthwhile. Feel free to share with me any thoughts on the matter, even the negative stuff. Heck, ESPECIALLY the negative stuff. Every bit of input helps, and I appreciate it all sincerely!
coachdawnwrites.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/excellent.jpg
1559144
I hate guys like that. I've had more than my fair share of these guys. Of course I eventually "convinced" them to get an ego check
1559144 I like the way you think. Revenge is a dish best served cold. Even if it is through a fanfic. Keep up the good work. Here is a moustache for your efforts.
I tune in expecting a generic luna shipfic.
Instead, I get this.
Insert WTF and angry applause guy gif here. You deserve it.
Heard this was good. I love me a good Luna fic., so lets see what this 30,000 word monster's got.
1556861
I disagree with one of your statements.
1556861
Complaining about how long stories are is blasphemous in my eyes. I don't care if your statement that long stories are not welcomed here is objectively true.
i.imgur.com/ZokVh.gif
Dear author please don't let the bastards grind you down with moans that your story is too long. While OC pony stories is another thing I consider anathema by default, yours seems so well done and so close to what I've wanted to read for the longest time that I'd be saddened if it's discontinued.
Eh, I need to get Pink Eyes and The Sweetie Belle Chronicles out first, so into the Fav box you go!
Boy howdy, that's quite a word count.
That means you're quite dedicated to your fic, and I applaud you for that. The only thing that really annoys me is that you don't space after your ellipses. Kerning is very important!
EDIT: Okay, I'm a bit into the first chapter now. The text is really flowery, and it suffers a lot from purple prose. There really is no need to extravagantly describe the night sky when it's only used to put into context the setting.
1557170
Long chapters are an issue because it reduces the utility of the "what I've read" tracking combined with a feeling that you should read a chapter in a single go even if you're breaking up your reading of the story. Most of the time, long chapters are already broken up into sections so reducing the size of individual chapters isn't that hard, and if you want to read more at once you can always click the link for the next chapter.
Personally, I find the sweet spot to be in the 2500-5000 word range. Not so short as to be popcorn, but short enough that I don't consider "do I have time for that big of a chapter?"
1559751 Any sort of a comparison to Short Skirts and Explosions certainly makes for a gratifying accolade for the week! Even if it's just a parallel to the incredible volume of his stories, I still blush at the notion of even the most abstract correlation to the brilliant mind that blessed my existence with End of Ponies and Background Pony. Then again, I take great personal honor in saying that just like Martin Luther King Jr., I also breathe oxygen. Now if people start claiming that I come even half-way close to Short Skirts' quality, then I might end up rolling and whooping on the ceiling again.
1559784 Heh, thanks for the encouragement! Glad to see some defense for the long stories, here. It's sobering to see that despite the story's length, people will still feel inclined to pick it up and give it a try. Besides, a long story doesn't mean they have to get to the end of a chapter before deciding it doesn't vibe with them. Sure, I'd like them to give it a fair shot, but if they're twenty minutes in and it's seriously not working for them, they're more than welcome to put it down and move on to something else. Last thing I'd want to do is waste others' time (and as one who works in the entertainment industry on comics AND video games, I can tell you that stealing another man's time is more egregious than stealing their wallet). They don't have to wait for the "chapter 2" banner to put it down if they're afraid the long first chapter isn't worth their while.
Though I am also appreciative of the fact that on the flip side, there are people who have the gumption to announce straight up that they find a certain quality of a story off-putting. Any input is legitimate in my book, and those saying that it's too long are simply reiterating the same concerns I had before posting this. I'm totally aware of the ridiculous length. Having people like that to tell me straight up their own criticisms (observations that I also harbored) means that I can depend upon this community to get a wide assortment of solid feedback as well. Knowing people like that exist is a sobering reassurance that this endeavor isn't going to be some self-congratulatory cuddle party of sorts; I'm going to get criticism, and it will in turn make me a better writer because of it. Case in point...
1559903 This fine beacon of humanity's illustrious handsomeness took the initiative to tell me that ellipsis are supposed to have spaces after them.
Like I said...I'm going toLike I said... I'm going to become a better writer by taking their input to heart, and applying it. By the way, my good purveyor of faith in civilized society, both chapters have been edited accordingly so there is now a space after every ellipsis. The kerning has been... kerned... I guess... if that's a word...1559906 Thanks for the insight, and for supplementing a good butter zone for getting the point across. I don't think I'll be able to keep it under 5,000 words unfortunately, especially with my particular writing style. However, I will see to possibly breaking up future chapters that get into the 15,000+ range (the third act is pretty much written already, and there is a chapter in there that's longer than the first). It's actually an awesome reason you present, as it would make it easier to keep track of. If I may complement your logic further, I believe breaking a chapter up into three parts also helps the author ensure that they are sticking to the proper classic method of storytelling by keeping it in three distinct equally paced parts. Definitely, it's something I'll be mindful of for future installments, as it'll be easier for readers to follow along with, and be a quite tangible reminder that I should be mindful to properly maintain a story's structure.
If I may provide some of my own insight and experience with MLP fanfic, I actually loved stories that went on for a while. Stories like End of Ponies, Fallout: Equestria (plus Project Horizons), and other novels containing 20-30 page chapters were some of my favorites. I even remember one particular chapter of Fallout: Equestria exceeding 150 pages (somewhere around 75k words), and while it took quite a lot of effort one afternoon to get through it, the payoff at the end was huge!
1560079
Heh, thanks. Do you usually not space after the ellipsis? Sometimes it's just a matter of preference.
I also noticed that you took Applejack's accent to heart... that's... a bit polarizing, to be honest. It's one thing to use her accent, but to use it like this:
is pretty extreme. I hardly think her accent is that heavy, really. We can all understand her just fine in the show, but I had to stare at this sentence for a few seconds to figure out what she was saying.
1560106 Oh wow, that sentence there really is a bit much isn't it? While I like to exaggerate the accents a bit in the literary medium, I will concur the frightening irony that Applejack's observation of "ov'uh th'top" is definitely ov'uh th'top.
I'll smooth that out for coherency's sake. I know that later on, when I give Applejack more successive lines in later chapters, I'll pull back on the accent with the assumption that the reader knows she's the one talking.
While handling dialogue, I like utilizing an accent to establish who is speaking (like Devon's mother in chapter 2). When they first begin speaking, I give it a bit of a heavier accent and more stereotypical diction for the archetype as a means for the reader to know just who interjected in a conversation. For example:
Twilight leaped onto the table before the rampaging dragon, "Wait!" She outstretched her hooves, facing her friends. "Before we can fight him with a high-budget explosive action sequence that'll blow everypony's mind, we need to go to the library and read a book about how we-"
"-Boooriiing!"
"-Oh talk about uncool!"
"-D'yaw, con sarnit gal!"
"-Dah'rling, puh-lease!"
"-Oh, great! Let's... Um... I... So, we umm... Oh, I actually agree with Twi... li...."
Don't need to name names, but anyone with a background in MLP should be able to know who is talking just by their word choice and delivery. But as you point out, it can definitely get a bit muddied when used too much, so I'll go get that line ironed out better. Thanks!
1560079
One thing to remember is that chapters as they appear as links on this site are not quite the same thing as chapters as a level of story organization. It's more than OK to publish a single chapter of your story as multiple 'chapters'[1] on FiMFiction, with it being split up at the best spots to put a bookmark if it were in hardcopy.
[1] I'm thinking it might have been better to have named them 'parts' to avoid the assumption that the splits have to be at the chapter level.
1560163
I tend to think that how characters speak falls in word choice, not so much the separation of words with apostrophes through delivery, like "Dah'rling." That just seems very awkward to the reader, I feel, because it seems both very overbearing and difficult to comprehend.
Simply using the word "darling" is enough grounds for anyone to start thinking of certain ponies, like Rarity. They're all distinctive in their own ways as is, and I think using their accents is a bit overkill (the usual go-to accent for Applejack is removing the 'g' from the end of words, like forgivin' or chargin'). For the OCs, though, it might make a bit more sense. Maybe they truly have a strong accent, like Devon's mother, and I suppose it would be okay on those grounds. Just keep in mind the readers might not be able to put their accents together as well as you can.
Anyways, I'm enjoying it so far. It's a longer fic than I'm used to since I have a short attention span, but I like the story.
1559784
You can't throw a bloody novel in their face if you want their attention. It simply don't work. you have to sneak the story on them. A good cover art (he got that), a proper description (he got that too) and then have an interresting, but somewhat short intro to the story that gets their attention. This attention should be posted as a single chapter.
We are talking about getting the atention from everybrony here
Do you think that an average kid/teenager would start on a story were the first chapter is 20k pages long
It is called adaption to the reader
Just remember that you are delaing with a comunity wwhere the age spans from 14 (even younger too) and older.
It would be like gathering the entire harry potter books in one book. Noboody would have started on that unless they have read harry potter!
With that said i don't hae anything against long chapters myself as long as they keep my attention
30k words in two chapters? Let's dance. Some people may not like long chapters. We call these people lazy or amateurs. Having read many pony words I can confirm that (oh gods this is gonna sound funny) length is a non-issue.
A Luna x OC story, though... Ok, I'll admit that your first post is what sold me on this. I'll read it later so as not to stay up too late.
1556861
I strongly disagree. I hate short chapters. Anything with chapters below 1k words I won't even touch. From 3k words and onwards I feel like it might be worth my time. 10k and onwards makes me rub my hands and say "now we are talking."
Rust sent me.
This is your FIRST story? I fear that once I finally get around to posting my first story, It'll look like a kindergartener's dribble in comparison.
Also, do not change the length of your chapters just because some people can't spare more than half an hour's time reading. i'm only a little ways into this story and I'm already loving it.
1560409 This would be my first My Little Pony fanfic that I'm actually hashing out. I've made some attempts at MLP before, but couldn't quite get enough momentum rolling to drive me to finish it (life, other jobs, season 2 obliterating a legitimately good idea with "Rarity's parents aren't geese" becoming canon). However, this isn't my first story (though it is the longest). I've dabbled in short stories all throughout high school and college, and even took a stab at some memoirs about a year ago.
Thanks for the encouragement with the chapter lengths, too. Glad to see that there are some people who do enjoy dissolving an evening away in PJ's and downing a single chapter (myself especially). I'll talk to Curran about the possiblity of breaking up chapters so they're the same length but more manageable for the readers. However, if the long chapter lengths changes the fic's reception from an inconvenient weakness to its unique strength, I'd actually be inclined to forego conventional logic and let this one stand apart as "that fic with the crazy long first chapter."
1556861
Shortskirtsandexplosions gets away with both in Background pony, I mean some of those chapters are longer than entire fics.
Romance is not my thing, but these comments, especially yours, have me hopeful, actually. It looks like you've put a hell of a lot of effort into this. Let's see if this becomes only the second Romance story I've ever enjoyed. Will attempt to read within the week.
Happy writing
1558357
Yeah . . .
No.
I don't have that kind of time. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Luna_apple.png
Intrigued by the long comments. OK, lets read this doozy-
20k WORDS?! F TO THAT!
I'm sure you've a ton of effort into this, but 20k is too much even for me and my ridiculous spare time. So have a like instead
1556861
The Long Fic group has a bunch of stories longer than 200k.
150k ain't nothin'.
1560705 Then take your time anyway. You'll enjoy reading much more after the first ten-fifteen minutes.
1556861 Fallout:Equestria is even longer, with roughly about thousand pages, or half a million words.
Sir.
I am a midevalist and a grammarian. Please allow me to proofread for you, if only to correct Princess Luna's dialogue. It was hilarious when it was (second) Captain Stormblade's butchering, until She herself opened her mouth, and revealed herself a fool.
The story might be interesting, but it is DROWNING in Purple Prose. You don't have to use a thesaurus on every sentence.