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Get yer hot buns over here1,066 words
You're so sweet!1,936 words

You're so sweet!

Schmuck for Mares
by WeirdBeard
(Seriously, what's wrong with me?)

When I first started this job, I was told it got easier as time passed. I wouldn't need to worry about anything and I'd be a pro before I knew it. Some even bet that it would only be a week before I had more clients than I could shake a stick at.

Those clowns knew I was in over my head.

"Greasy! Where are you, ya tub of lard?!" I shouted after kicking in his office door.

Today was far from anything resembling decent and it was time to vent some frustration. Needless to say, my agent was the prime target to do so. After all, he was the source of my misery in a roundabout way.

Greasy had been passed out on his desk, but my outburst launched the rotund stallion upright. "Huzzat?! No, Officer, she said she was drinking age!" he called out a bizarre, premeditated excuse in his waking daze. A line of white dust traced across his upper lip and nostrils, giving me an idea of what else he had been up to earlier.

Don't worry, it's just powdered sugar from a doughnut. God help us all the day these weirdos discover the other crystals. Maybe that's what that Sombra nut was going on about.

"I'm not the cops, stupid. What's the big idea with that last assignment?!" I queried angrily. It had been weeks since the muffin incident (no, we are never going to speak of that again), but I was over that. Seriously. My big concern was this most recent excuse of a job.

The pudgy stallion blinked blearily in my direction, but still seemed completely out of it. "Tony? Why are you back so soon? Don't you have a job to do?"

Gadfrey, I hate this idiot.

"Greasy, the address you gave me sent me to a bear cave! Take a wild guess what was in there!" I shouted justifiably. What kind of jerk sends someone to a bear cave?

Greasy scratched at his eye patch lazily and puzzled for a moment. "I thought 'Mister Beary' was just a misnomer. You know, like those ironic names 'Tiny' and 'Slim' for giant ponies," he lamely excused. The obese pony's features lightened as he looked at me questioningly. "Regardless, you did satisfy him, right?"

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. Let's face it, folks, there's just plain stupid and then there's Greasy Dough. To further emphasize how pants-on-head moronic he was, I swept my arms across his desk and quickly cleared the items onto the floor. His shocked expression worsened as he watched me lean forward and pull on the lapels of his disgusting plaid suit. "The bear wanted to eat me! I was lucky I got away!"

Greasy's eye twitched in recoil, chuckling nervously as he tried to collect his nerves. "Look on the bright side, at least we don't have to give him a refund."

"That's it," I replied promptly, dropping the stallion back onto his chair. "I'm out. I've dealt with enough freaks, nutcases, and bears to last me a lifetime. Find someone else. I don't care anymore, I quit."

As I turned my back and started towards the door, I heard Greasy sputter, "W-wait! Just do this last job, please!"

"No! I told you, it's over," I retorted. There wasn't a snowball's chance in hell I was sticking around to even consider his request.

"But it's for a million bits!" Greasy cried out. I was almost out the door before he said that.

Dang it.

I glanced back at the fat stallion crossing his hooves, pleading for me to stay. "You're lying."

"I swear on Celestia's shiny plot that I'm telling the truth," Greasy whimpered, raising a hoof in the air and crossing his heart. "This is the one that takes us into retirement."

I'm such an idiot.

"What's the catch?" I asked, raising a brow at the pathetic pony. I should have just sprinted out of that office, but here I was contemplating his pleadings.

Greasy swallowed nervously, a noticeably large lump traveling down his throat. "The client's been rejected by all of the other agencies. No one will take the offer."

I rolled my eyes. "You've hooked me in, Greasy, now I really want this job," I muttered sarcastically. "Why would I accept it now?"

"Because you're better than those fakes," my boss replied. He pushed away from his desk and hopped onto the floor, trotting towards me. "They're all talk and no show. But you!" he began, prodding a hoof at my stomach. "You're the real deal. Every client you've had has scored you 10 out of 10. Where all those phonies would cower, you triumphed. Because deep down, you're the only one who can handle the job."

I sighed at his attempted pep talk. Surprisingly, it had a really good effect on me, almost to the point where I was actually on board. "Just answer me this," I replied calmly. "Who's the client?"

Greasy grinned wildly and procured a large folder out of his coat's pocket. He glanced at it once, tossing it to me as he answered, "Mare by the name of 'Bon-Bon.'"

Why do I have a bad feeling about this?

It only took a few minutes to walk from the office to the client's home. Of course, I had completely freshened up for what would be my last job. A nice long shower, some cheap cologne, and a heaping dose of painkillers in case things turned out as well as the past jobs. Regardless of what happened, I was going to rock Bon-Bon's world. Go big or go home, right?

There was a strange silence though around the little house. Then again, every client was the same way before I got there.

I told you, Greasy always found the weird ones.

My fist knocked measurably against the front door, echoing just right. I could hear muffled whispering behind the door and I strained to hear what was being said. Unfortunately, it ceased just as suddenly as it had started and I was left in silence again. "Hello? It's me, To-, I mean, 'Sweets'," I called out.

"YAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" a voice screamed out above me. I looked up just in time to see a beige colored mare with blue and pink mane hurtling towards me from the roof. Even though it was happening so fast, I somehow noticed the open burlap sack in her hooves.

That's just peachy.

Before I could even react, her body slammed atop me and brought both of us onto the ground. I yelled in surprise, but found my shout cut off as the sack was pulled over my head.

"Quick! Get him inside!" the same voice exclaimed. I heard the front door open and the sound of rushing hooves surrounded me and dragged me inside. My captors chattered excitedly, only bits and pieces were barely discernible.

"I can't believe he came!"

"I call dibs!"

"No, I call dibs!"

"He smells heavenly!"

Through their bickering, I felt myself pushed into a chair and strapped down with something. My head was throbbing from the collision with the sky-diving pony and the following dragging didn't help at all. The bag was still over my face, but frankly I was dreading what lay in store for me.

"Calm down, girls, he's probably spooked out his mind," the voice from earlier chided. The chatter died down and I felt my breathing increase its speed. Celestia knew what was going to happen now.

My only regret is that I didn't throw Greasy off a cliff.

Finally, the bag was pulled off my head. The change of lighting blinded me momentarily and I scrunched my eyes to adjust to my surroundings. Of course, I couldn't see beyond the radius of light that a lamp above me projected. The same mare that had tackled me was now in front of me, tilting her head sheepishly.

"Sorry about all that. We were just so excited and didn't want you to run," the earth pony explained.

Now it was my turn to tilt my head. "We?" I asked.

She paused a moment, but brightened up when she recognized my question. "Oh my, where are my manners? My name is Bon-Bon, and these are my sisters." At the word 'sisters', a chorus of 'hello'' and 'hey there' echoed around me. Bon-Bon continued, waving a hoof at each mare that stepped forward. "This is Bonnie Sue, that's Bonnette, that's Bondalf, that's Jane Bon, that's Bon Claude Bon Damme, CinnaBon, and Katie."

I shook my head and blinked rapidly. Either I was crazy or I was really seeing the exact same mare times eight surrounding me. "Buh-wuh, huh?! How do you all look the same?" I queried, completely befuddled.

"Easy," Jane Bon (or was that CinnaBon, I can't even tell!) replied. "We're octuplets!"

I felt my jaw drop, my mouth agape while trying to comprehend that particular piece of evidence. "But that's impossible!"

"Pfft. C'mon, Sweets, you're living in a land of magical ponies. Anything's possible now," Bondalf or Bonnette answered with a smile.

"Sure gets annoying when everypony thinks we're the same mare though. It's so easy to tell us apart, our voices are completely different!" a deeper voiced sister claimed.

I turned towards her, trying desperately to remember her name. "Bon Claude?"

The mare fumed and angrily answered, "No, I'm Bonnie Sue!"

"Now calm down, Bonnie Sue, it was an honest mistake. Besides, we're wasting what time I can spend with our guest," Bon-Bon replied with a sultry grin.

I felt a hoof reach around my chest and circled tightly. "Hey, I called dibs!" Katie(?) protested.

"No, I did!"

"No, me!"

"Me!"

I whistled sharply, ending the argument before it could go further. "Now hold on, there's plenty of me to go around," I said smugly. If I played my cards right, this just might be the best night of my life. Eight mares?! That's eight more than I've ever- HEM! I mean... eight more than Greasy's ever done.

Don't look at me like that.

Anyway, my answer seemed to please all of the sisters as each of them smiled and neared closer to me. "That's exactly what we were hoping you'd say, Sweets," Bon-Bon replied.

And then we had the most intense harem ever.

That's what happened I swear! No they didn't just make me taste test and score their home-made candy! Shut up! When am I ever gonna get some action?!

Author's Note:

Because I don't know.

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