"If I had asked people what they wanted, They would have said faster horses." -Henry Ford The easiest way to tell a man's character is how well he treats the people he doesen't have to.
I am using the adventure tag because FIM does not have a tag for what this story truly is, a thriller.
Maple Leaf and Maple Syrup live in a cabin in the Everfree Forest.
Every night they lock up the cabin, creating a sanctuary amongst the dangers around them.
But what would happen when a new predator enters their simple world, one that they had no hope of escaping?
Written by Dancewithknives
Edited by InsertAuthorHere
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Whut?
At first I was all, Aliens. Then I was like, Ursa. But instead there was uh, Borg? Except, like, Robo-Park-Ranger.
The description was fantastic at least. Very atmospheric. I just have no idea what the actual plot was. It was Borg though, right?
1535145
what it is is up to your interpretation, just like mine when i wrote it.
you think this is strange? wait for the epilogue.
1535164 You have my attention.
604republic.com/desimgs/red_5_standing_by/JT-Red_5_Standing_By-604r.jpg
Did you just put in a new line each sentence? You can't do that, you know. There's also a lot of telling going on in this story. I recommend finding a serious, professional-grade editor with a heart of gold and infinite about this. Here's a link to a good site about Show vs Tell. http://foremostpress.com/authors/articles/show_not_tell.html
This. I like this! Another! It seems odd that a human(I assume it was a human) would go through rhetrouble of attacking a sentient beings home just to give the child some medicine. If there is more, you have my attention.
1536474
Continuing, it's just generally bad. The only way to fix it would be a complete - and I mean complete - rewrite of the chapter. Go look in some of the better Editing groups for people willing to help you, too.
It's very basic, and the constant new paragraphs for almost every line makes it a clumsy read. Is this supposed to be like a children's book or something? The story was a constant stream of "X happened because of Y, causing Z to occur due to X's effect". I found myself skimming before I was even a page in.
There's a difference between being vague and confusing, and you were the latter. The events of the story didn't seem to mesh (admittedly, I did not read more than the essentials) or flow from one piece to the other in a coherent manner. The alien/robot/whatever seemed to have been built by Random As Fuck Inc.
In short, this is a weak story built on flat writing, poor formatting and nonsensical plot progression. It is legible, but completely devoid of interest to me. I am afraid, good sir, that I must pass judgment with this appendage of mine, commonly referred to as a "thumb", in the position of it facing towards the ground (this being under the assumption that I am standing upright).
1536579
not sure if trolling or distasteful attempt at humor
1536830
I am critiquing your story and the fact that you have failed to recognize my digression as such bodes ill on your ability to comprehend the written language, or at least the willingness to accept that other's opinions may be of contradictory nature to your own beliefs. Just because I dressed it up in some fancy wording and frilly analogies does not change the rather obvious statement that your story was bland, poorly-constructed and held little in the way of literary merit. My shopping lists have more personality and pizazz injected into them than this paint-by-the-numbers piece.
1537177
you seem to have me all wrong.
am I defending my story in the slightest bit, trying to beg to make it better than it already is?
No.
am I trying to deny your opinnion or criticism in any way shape or form?
No.
am I trying to make excuses of any type that I was unfamiliar with the layout of Fim, or that I was experimenting with writing?
No.
Is the story going to be edited and revamped based on feedback?
Yes. but you cannot take credit for that on the basis that other beat you to the punch.
I can't contemplate why, but you seem to in a very bad mood over this story, and I will be the better individual and appologize even though I cannot understand how it could do this.
overall, if it's not the story for you, then there is nothing i can do about it than try and improve.
Contrary to what you have brought out to believe, i understand that you are critiquing my story and I appreciate that.
I personally don't know you, and you do not know me, and maybe it is just different cultures and the fact that I personally take the direct approach, but where I come from, this...
I am afraid, good sir, that I must pass judgment with this appendage of mine, commonly referred to as a "thumb", in the position of it facing towards the ground (this being under the assumption that I am standing upright).
...is what we call Trolling, whereas the common person ould save thier energies and finger muscles and just say "I am giving this a thumbs down".
and just for the record, when somthing has the grey word "incomplete" below it, it usually means it's incomplete.
1537323
or just a bad joke, being that i did not find it funny or any purpose other than an attempt to insult my intelligence.
I hope we are clear now.
1537323
Your reply dismissed my critique as being the work of a "troll" or as nothing more than a poor man's attempt at humour. Naturally, from this I came to the conclusion that you had written it off entirely. You did not address any of my concerns or problems that the story left me, the reader, with.
A troll would have said "This has OCs? Thumbs down!" I merely stated in an obtuse way that my choice of rating was down. Does this change the fact that I gave it a thumbs down? No, not at all. Ignoring all of my preamble, the very reasons I gave for said judgement, because I stated the final verdict in such a way is, in a word, petty. Even now you continue with the same misguided form of organization that I pointed out in my erstwhile review, hammering away at the Enter key as if your very life depended on it. Such a basic formatting mistake only goes to show how utterly inexperienced you are in the art of conveying written thought, especially when myself and no less than two others pointed out this very problem in separate messages. Ergo, I can only conclude that you are incapable or unwilling to follow earnest, sound advice. Would I be correct in the assumption that your editor made all of the corrections himself, as opposed to directing you through the process by proxy? A noble gesture, but one ending in tears all the same, since his subject will never learn from their mistakes as long as he fixes it for them. Every time you make something and request his assistance he will be revisited by the demons created via inexperience and ignorance.
"Incomplete" does not excuse "incomprehensible". The reader is not left to hang from a vertical rock face at the end of the story, but is rather unceremoniously dumped into an earthen maw. For the layman, it isn't a cliffhanger, it's a plot hole.
>Is the story going to be edited and revamped based on feedback?
>Yes. but you cannot take credit for that on the basis that other beat you to the punch.
If I take a broken toy that someone else already attempted to fix and complete the job myself, can I not claim the victory? That is the case here; your story is broken. I rather tremble to think at what it was like before your previous editor assisted you with it (and indeed, your mistake-riddled replies do not lend much credence to your capabilities when flying solo, if you will). Your logic seems to be that whoever started the job should be able to claim the fanfare of finishing it, even if they didn't achieve the finished product. A rather flawed thought-process, I'm sure most would agree. Besides, correcting a story which has already been released to the public does little; why should they read through it again? Those who did not enjoy it the first time will not deign to bother re-treading old ground, whilst those that were enthralled by it initially are the sort that wouldn't care about its author properly dotting the i's and crossing the t's.
1536579
I am afraid, good sir, that I must pass judgment with this appendage of mine, commonly referred to as a "thumb", in the position of it facing towards the ground (this being under the assumption that I am standing upright).
you should have stopped with what you had and delete from this line down, including your other replies. Haven't read the story yet, and your first reply was sorta constructive criticism, but the rest of it was pure garbage. Just a hint, type like you would speak to someone. Your impersonation of some type of English majoring grad student who teaches high school literature just makes you come off as an ass-hat (which coincidentally is what an English majoring grad student must be in order to pursue that degree) . Stick with trying to sound normal rather than trying to sound smart, because it just makes you sound retarded.
On an unrelated note, I liked your shining armor/twilight story very much. Very cute, and reminds me of when my younger brother had accidents and I wasn't very empathetic. Will see about getting to the other one you wrote.
1537559
What a shame, for a second you actually fooled me and thought you were being constructive, but now I've revealed you for the troll you are.
first off, my editor was asked specifically to check my spelling and grammar, a job they did marvelously. you insulting their skills has only brought out your pathetic state of mind.
You can't take creidt over fixing my story is because of a very simple word you seem to not understand, which i find incredibly humorous comming from a person who is putting off too much effort truing to ack like they are some sort of master at the subject, but I'll just give it to you anyway. Plagiarism, its my story, my idea.
You are running yourself into a hole, one minute you say the story is legible and just confusing and boring, the next you are claiming it is incomprehensible.
awfully inconsistent now, are we?
I don't know about you, but the point of fixing somthing is, quite simply, to make it work in the future.
The only point of looking back is to improve in the future, which is what i intend to do. I am following advice, but not from a person who is one with the haterade.
as much as you are trying to kick me when I am down, I am still finding great usage of my first attempt at FIM, I not a failure, I just found another way that does not work.
Lastly
I
can
do
this
as
much
as
I
want.
its
a
free
country,
Please, find some satisfaction that by now you have definately been blocked, isolated before you can try to spread the hate even more in an incredibly sad, amusing, and prissy way to find some satisfaction over your pitiful life. any future attempts to contact me are going to be deleted without any review.
But don't worry, I wont delete what you've already done, I am just hanging the troll out for the world to see.
Have a nice day!
1536474
Thank you very much for your advice, now I can properly fix my story and make it better, while at the same time not comming off as a hipster.
You're missing part of the sentence after their tale was indeed fetched.
Interesting take. I thought exactly what you wanted me to think so good job on that.
And here I was about to say you should use the enter key more...
1535180
did you drop your jaw with the ending?
1536510
This is the point to give you only a bit more closure, but the story is done now. Enjoy.
1545385
I loved the end of your coment, it actually made me laugh for the first time in days.
either way I will fix the sentance that i forgot, it was meant to say "It was farfetched, but the fact that they had waited and wanted to share it with her did grant it a chance to be heard."
Nice, was not expecting Cyber-Celestia.
Well done. Keep it up, I'll give you a watch. 
1550943
thanks, my next story that I have is still a complete rough draft, but because this was just my forlorn hope, it is having an EXTENSIVE MOTHERFUCKING REWRITE. and in a way has nothing to do with this, but is in the same style, revealing traits about characters hidden in plain sight.
I also have a massive amount of worldbuilding that i use to create a whole picture about everything rather leaving most of the details up to your imagination like in this.
On a story-telling level, it has some interesting ideas, but the execution is poorly handled. For instance, you went for a sort of 'Easing into the Adventure' style open, but that doesn't work for such a short work, and ended up mostly being fluff since approximately half of what led up to the introduction to the Predator did not really introduce us to the characters. Even during the rest of your story, descriptions seemed awkward and occasionally vague, leading to confusion.
Restamoreh also had a fair point, there was a lot of telling rather than showing going on, but I must admit I am guilty of doing this myself quite a bit, so I am not one to rightfully complain of such matters.
I did notice that you failed to fall into the dire trap of run-on sentences that many writers, including myself, do. Kudos for that.
Also, are people really debating what the creature is? It's obviously the eponymous Predator. Lights? Laser-targeting? Flamethrower? Invisibility? Seven feet tall? There is pretty much no way it could be anything but.
1650571
even though i did legitimately did want this story to succeed, it was mainly a test of how people liked my writing style. somthing that failed, miserably. I was trying to see if i could not bore the shit out of people with little details that did not have any overall value, but as several people have comented and sent prvate messages, it did not work, thus the real story, the one that is my baby and is having a giant rewrite, is not published yet.
Overall, i intentionally wanted to give a little bit of detail of their family while not sitting you down and holding your hand over all of their history (hence the picture of a stallion a mare and a foal), because it really held no value other than to give them some humanity before the adventure.
like i said, what the pursuer was is your interpretation, i was going to make it speak, but decided against it. and as i said in the author's note, it was mainly based on the Resident Evil 3 Nemesis,being that a giant made of metal is scarier than a little green marvin martian.
I will actually upload what i imagined the pursuer to look like as a new chapter.
An interesting idea for a story, but the "one sentence per paragraph" thing made it look weird. I don't know what the story looked like before, but it seems okay now in terms of spelling and grammar.
Your author note about why you wrote this story belongs either in the author note section or a separate chapter. It was a little jarring to see that only thing between the story text and the note was "The End"
Plotwise, it's got a nice twist ending. I agree with the "telling, not showing" others have mentioned, but it's not that bad.
2179486
it hasnt been redone yet
There aren't very many fics that are so problematic that I literally can't finish reading them, but this story was one such example -- sorry.
I pretty much have to echo some of the critiques that have already been leveled. The constant stream of single sentence paragraphs which largely repeat the same basic "he did that" and "she did this" spiel lacks any dynamic appeal and quickly become blandly monotonous. It's not enough to just tell the reader who is doing what, you also need to convey who your characters are and in so doing make the read actually care about WHY those characters do stuff.
Really though it's just a darn shame, because from what little I was able to read, I think you have the workings of potentially good, if simple, story here. It's just that the lack of depth in the execution makes it impossible for me to get invested in the narrative to even the slightest degree -- again, sorry. Though I wish you the best of luck if you ever do get around to revising this fic
2186577>>2179486>>1650571>>1545385>>1536541>>1536510
Would greatly appreciate it if anyone would take a second look at this now that ive gotten around to rewriting it.
Oh, yes. Much improved.
There at the end got a little sloppy on editing but the rest seemed to flow better and had more detail.
2274005
I did the editing myself this go around because i didn't want to Bother IAH, so blame that on me instead of him.
(sadface, I actually thought i would have more feedback other than one comment
)
2287838
Ikr? All that work for just one not very detailed comment... :-( sometimes the site gods smile and sometimes they don't.
Comments deleted because of editorial clutter