"If I had asked people what they wanted, They would have said faster horses." -Henry Ford The easiest way to tell a man's character is how well he treats the people he doesen't have to.
One-Shots18,925 stories ·2,369 members
This story contains NO humans. I just liked the art. On the night after a world record setting hot day in Coffin Valley, a band of colt scouts gather around a campfire to hear the legend of what happened on a similar day seventy years ago...
Coverart provided by Pappaprime, used with permission.
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The following is what I was listening to and used as inspiration while writing this story. If you had anything that happened to be playing in your head while reading the fic then feel free to add your own down here as well.
For what it's worth- I spent way too much time on this:
i.imgur.com/1DdmXnR.png
i.imgur.com/VdprcKc.png
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.... did you make that in.... the 30 minutes this story has been published?
4784271 Yes, not hard.
4784274 well, for what its worth, I don't even know what to say...
Does this technically count as fanart?
4784281 Call it whatever you want.
Fab
4784466 glad you liked it.
4785203 we have fanart!
4785366 Nice!
4784268 Thanks for the pretty pictures.
I found this a nice, fun story that was enjoyable from start to finish. Good job!
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Pros:
-OC characters are pretty well done, though I think grandpa pretty stole the show, The idea of a different breed of pony, mustangs is a nice touch. Kind of like the native americans, wild and proud but still close to the ponies.
-History to the story where they lived in the untamed wilderness before Celestia's rule. Makes me wonder how much has changed since the princess instated her laws across her domain.
-Details to the story and how it progressed was kept at a well maintained pace. You didn't rush the story but you didn't drag it out.
Cons:
-A lot of telling, especially in the first half. You go over the same subject over and over again. Yes I do believe in setting the tone but you talked about the temperature over and over again, it's hot.
-I feel a little loss at who's talking from time to time, I could recognize the old mustang's speech due to his accent but I felt like I'm losing track of who's speaking.
A well written story with no major inconsistencies that kept me reading all the way. I do enjoy the thought of different breeds of ponies beyond unicorns, earthern and pegasi. Mustangs sound like a kind of pony I would like to read more about and their culture in your future works. Switching between the old mustang's tale and what actually happened was a nice touch, between what happened and another point of view gave me a different perspective to view the situation from. Very well written all together and I give your story a fave for it.
On a side note, why didn't you name that colt? Didn't see his name mentioned once in the story.
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What? Not bowing to the Burger King?
Blasphemy!
I'm nit picking a little here but the temperature at the beginning has no indication of the scale until later in the story. So it could be Celsius and in that case well the area's good as dead. It could mean Fahrenheit which I think is temperate but hot. Kelvin is another but I doubt that as those temperatures in Kelvin are frigid. It could also be a pony scale that wasn't named or explained how it worked.
Pegasus don't want to logically go around 3 mountains but desire to go over them for straight delivery. I suppose they could be large but if they are in a row and not part of a range, would it not make more sense for the Pegasus to go around? Again nit picking.
Lastly Sentence is unclear and makes no sense.
"But, through this chances, the strangest thing may happen, Harmony."
Did you mean these instead of this? As these means multiple and this is singular.
Also would odds make more sense then chances here? As this is the odds of the events happening at the same time.
Now that I'm done being a pain.
Excellent story and I enjoyed it. Great work, I'll have to fit it on a favourite's list somehow.
4811830 you know what, I actually don't have a response to that, so take this instead.
latimesblogs.latimes.com/.a/6a00d8341c630a53ef0128759fd303970c-600wi
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Also though, with the beginning part, I tried to make it more based on science as to why it was so hot rather than just say that someone decided to do it. As for why, Coffin Valley has several similarities to Death Valley as well as some other natural weather events such as rain shadows, el nino, and high pressure fronts moving air currents.
4812149 I have no response to that.
I never heard of Death Valley before. Interesting place then.
4815601 Yeah, hottest place in the world and driest place in North America.
really good story here and the song ain't no grave is one of my favorites
thumbs up
This is a nice little story even if some of the stuff in the beginning was unnecessary. It's a shame that it isn't more popular.
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4962787 heh
Your story has been approved by The Equestrian Short Story Society! We welcome you among our ranks!
Wow. You know, I've never been one for westerns, but this was great enough to keep me interested. That's not an easy thing to do! Five stars!
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Here is the link to your Ghostly Review:
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/205047/ghostly-reviews/thread/129993/review-of-148#comment/3655856
Your Pleasant Commentary and Review is here!
Solid work, dude!
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