ChickenMaster05
Joined 21st Jun, 2012 ·
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Thumbs up just because the cover art is cute.
No mod to read a clop, will go to read later.
Inky Swirl, swooping in! Make way!
Engage the Inky Analysis gun!
1) I Can Hear What You're Thinkin'... And It's Gross! A lot of writers have choice in their methods of delivery, but I can share immediately that universal code for thought is italics. Observe, friend:
“Oh Celestia” Soarin panicked in his head, “I said it, I actually said it.”
See, you had quotations there, which always leads a reader to believe something has been said. "And that's not always for the best, y'know," Inky whispered. So, a quick fix for ya!
Oh, Celestia, Soarin panicked. I said it, I actually said it!
In future, practice italics, you must.
2) Delicate, Like an Anvil. Let me pull up the piece before I break it down for ya:
A moment of awkward silence hung in the air of the Wonderbolts locker room, broken only by Soarin shifting uncomfortably. One look at Spitfire’s face told Soarin that his confession would not be going how he’d hoped.
Spitfire coughed into her hoof before responding delicately. “Uuhm, wow seriously? Sorry man, but I’m gonna be, um… busy this Friday.” Spitfire walked past Soarin towards the window and looked out over Cloudsdale.
The immediate impression I have from the first sentence above is that our point of view is that of a camera mounted in the ceiling's corner. Not a bad angle, and it can definitely work. One teensy problem:
broken only by Soarin shifting uncomfortably
A moment of silence is broken by Soarin shifting? I get how that can be--his hooves will make noise--but that's not indicated. I advise a revision!
A moment of awkward silence hung in the air of the Wonderbolts locker room, broken only by the clicking of Soarin's hooves as he shifted uncomfortably.
Bang! Got it. Onto the next thing:
Spitfire coughed into her hoof before responding delicately. “Uuhm, wow seriously? Sorry man, but I’m gonna be, um… busy this Friday.” Spitfire walked past Soarin towards the window and looked out over Cloudsdale.
That "responding delicately" bit struck me as comedic. I'm not sure if that's how you meant it to appear, but it's how it came across, especially because Spitfire's response isn't so delicate.
Another thing: "delicately" is an adverb. Adverbs are a mix of adjectives and verbs--they're adjectives in action. While adverbs are sometimes appropriate, good writing can do all the work for you, through context.
Spitfire coughed into her hoof. "Uhm... wow. Seriously?" she responded. "Um... Sorry man, but I'm gonna be... um... busy this Friday. Sorry, dude."
We can infer from the phrasing, the pauses, and Spitfire's actions that she's trying to do this delicately--it gives us an impression. If you can provide an impression instead of an adverb, always do so, as it has a stronger impact on readers.
3) Slow Ride, Girl. While I feel Spitfire says what she wants to without much hesitation as a character personality, I can't help but feel it's a little too quick here:
Spitfire walked past Soarin towards the window and looked out over Cloudsdale. “ you know you’re like a bro to me right? I’ve never even thought of you that way.” She glanced back at Soarin and asked, “How long have you been hiding this?”
We jump from Spitfire's "bro" comment to almost immediate confrontation. Normally, when this kind of situation occurs, people soften the blow of disappointing their admirers with a bit more kind words and 'clearing-up' statements. I would give Spitty more padding for Soarin to be let down before asking how long he's been hiding.
Nice story, I'll watch this. The only issue is capitalization.
Can't wait to see where this goes!
Great job for your first fic. Some errors here and there... overall not too bad tho.
You need an editor. Like, badly.
Other then that, good job.
I had one lined up... but the lazy bastard never ended up doing anything
*Reads story*
Aw man! That's it! I want more to hap-
*Sees 'incomplete' tag*
fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/579276_398141030259608_611926888_n.jpg 10/10 for story leading to clop
1489560
Merciful Molestia, I see that pic on this and all I can think of is Rainbow gushing about her night to Scootaloo and getting that response.
That, or a resounding "I'm twelve and what is this?"
In the words of Rainbow Dash "AWESOME"
hehe
Im not complaining or anything, but shouldn't the coffee come before the clop?
i.chzbgr.com/completestore/2011/1/14/a2b9b8ae-a5ce-4716-b85e-642f89380cc8.jpg
I was pleasantly surprised at Rainbow's intentions. I wasn't expecting any real romance to come out of that but..
Reads the words "Rainbow factory". In my head was all just "Oh god."
Longer than big macintosh that something i never thought i've hear in a pony clopfic
wow... three days after i publish, and i just realized that none of my italics carried over...
*Derp*
or bold!!! curse you microsoft word!!!
what the hell did I just read
GERONIMO!!!
DAFUQ
GERONIMO!!!
nothing to say other than good
im guessing u meant poop
im guessing you meant feathers
nothing can express the feelings i am feeling here is a kiss for this awesome story from RD
keep the kisses flowin
moar. Moar. Moar! MOAR!!! ... uh if you don't mind that is...
1538247
watch "amazing horse" on youtube for that reference to make any sense
soooo this is never continuing is it?
2263469
Yeah, prolly. Decided to start doing a clop short instead, after i finally found time to write...
When's the next?
So excited for children 3
What am I trying to say?! Well, anyways, too bad you're not continuing it. I really love the story. Great job though!
I must say, your writing style is highly unique; job well-done, and especially for a first.
I would definitely like to see a follow up romance stoty to this! This was definitely the most unique Soarin Dashie story I've read... but i feel like I've been raped for not know what happens after this
update plz
When was the last time he/she wrote this?
1495297 So I wasn't the only one!!!
Can you do more that was awesome