Full Spectrum

Inky Swirl #1 · Oct 22nd, 2012 · · ·

Inky Swirl, swooping in! Make way!

Engage the Inky Analysis gun!

1) I Can Hear What You're Thinkin'... And It's Gross! A lot of writers have choice in their methods of delivery, but I can share immediately that universal code for thought is italics. Observe, friend:

“Oh Celestia” Soarin panicked in his head, “I said it, I actually said it.”

See, you had quotations there, which always leads a reader to believe something has been said. "And that's not always for the best, y'know," Inky whispered. So, a quick fix for ya!

Oh, Celestia, Soarin panicked. I said it, I actually said it!

In future, practice italics, you must.

2) Delicate, Like an Anvil. Let me pull up the piece before I break it down for ya:

A moment of awkward silence hung in the air of the Wonderbolts locker room, broken only by Soarin shifting uncomfortably. One look at Spitfire’s face told Soarin that his confession would not be going how he’d hoped.

Spitfire coughed into her hoof before responding delicately. “Uuhm, wow seriously? Sorry man, but I’m gonna be, um… busy this Friday.” Spitfire walked past Soarin towards the window and looked out over Cloudsdale.

The immediate impression I have from the first sentence above is that our point of view is that of a camera mounted in the ceiling's corner. Not a bad angle, and it can definitely work. One teensy problem:

broken only by Soarin shifting uncomfortably

A moment of silence is broken by Soarin shifting? I get how that can be--his hooves will make noise--but that's not indicated. I advise a revision!

A moment of awkward silence hung in the air of the Wonderbolts locker room, broken only by the clicking of Soarin's hooves as he shifted uncomfortably.

Bang! Got it. Onto the next thing:

Spitfire coughed into her hoof before responding delicately. “Uuhm, wow seriously? Sorry man, but I’m gonna be, um… busy this Friday.” Spitfire walked past Soarin towards the window and looked out over Cloudsdale.

That "responding delicately" bit struck me as comedic. I'm not sure if that's how you meant it to appear, but it's how it came across, especially because Spitfire's response isn't so delicate.

Another thing: "delicately" is an adverb. Adverbs are a mix of adjectives and verbs--they're adjectives in action. While adverbs are sometimes appropriate, good writing can do all the work for you, through context.

Spitfire coughed into her hoof. "Uhm... wow. Seriously?" she responded. "Um... Sorry man, but I'm gonna be... um... busy this Friday. Sorry, dude."

We can infer from the phrasing, the pauses, and Spitfire's actions that she's trying to do this delicately--it gives us an impression. If you can provide an impression instead of an adverb, always do so, as it has a stronger impact on readers.

3) Slow Ride, Girl. While I feel Spitfire says what she wants to without much hesitation as a character personality, I can't help but feel it's a little too quick here:

Spitfire walked past Soarin towards the window and looked out over Cloudsdale. “ you know you’re like a bro to me right? I’ve never even thought of you that way.” She glanced back at Soarin and asked, “How long have you been hiding this?”

We jump from Spitfire's "bro" comment to almost immediate confrontation. Normally, when this kind of situation occurs, people soften the blow of disappointing their admirers with a bit more kind words and 'clearing-up' statements. I would give Spitty more padding for Soarin to be let down before asking how long he's been hiding.

WaltTheUnicorn