Solitary

Comment posted by ambion deleted Dec 22nd, 2012

Comment posted by La Barata deleted Dec 22nd, 2012

electreXcessive

electreXcessive #3 · Dec 22nd, 2012 · · ·

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Pre-reader comments have been removed to avoid spoilers to the story.

azednew

azednew #4 · Dec 22nd, 2012 · · ·

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Interesting. I like it.

~~Also, Isn't this the fic you were talking about on Skype?~~

Fuck. Nevermind.

TrollestiaSubject

TrollestiaSubject #5 · Dec 22nd, 2012 · · ·

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Wonderful

British Pinkie Pie

British Pinkie Pie #6 · Dec 23rd, 2012 · · ·

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Dayum!!1

THAT'S GOOD.

OtterMatt

OtterMatt #7 · Jan 7th, 2013 · · ·

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Greetings, Elec. I promised I'd be here, and here I am!
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Looking over this short story, it's probably a good thing I took it upon myself to review this. I can see how lots of people would have trouble. Heck, even I'm finding it harder than usual to pick out useful tidbits to give you, for a few reasons.

Why is this review hard?

It's mechanically sound
This story is written in a very laconic, conversational style. Normally, this creates a trainwreck for an author, because writing conversationally almost always means you're doubling the amount of punctuation you need. Commas are your best friend, and they're serving you well. My advice for mechanics is to learn to love your new friend, the em dash (—). It indicates a break that's stronger or more emphatic than a semicolon. It's to be used sparingly, but there's at least a few places in this where it's absolutely ideal.

There are real terrors out there—terrors that scare even an all-powerful, immortal master of chaos like me.

Where you used a regular dash (or, en dash) you should be using an em dash. See how it sets the following sentence apart? It's also for interruptions, FYI.
Really, though, there's not much to pick at. Maybe a comma splice here and there, but since you're writing internal monologue, one can forgive a lot.

The premise is unique
Discord as a good guy? Say whaaaaa?
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It seems that Equestria runs on Narrativium in your headcanon, much like the Discworld does. There has to be a bad guy, so he's simply making himself out to be the lesser of all possible evils and filling the vacancy. While my gut instinct is to wave this off as blithe fancy and say things about how the premise is "untenable" or whatnot, the more I think about it, the more it really does seem to fit in with the MLP universe. Sacrifice is a huge part of friendship, and to give up so much? It really does seem like the sort of thing that could be woven into canon without breaking too much. Still, I hope you're ready to be Jossed when the new episode airs. Blame Fluttershy.
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Overall thoughts
I'm tempted to just say "what do you want from me?" and knock off for lunch, but I think I'd be doing this story a serious disservice if I did. And it's not even because you're in WRITE, because as we all know, emotions are for the weak and you are a mere plaything for me to trifle with.
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But seriously, I know you feel like you write things that are too short, and that may very well be true, but this one ain't. Trust me, I know a character story when I see one, and this one says what it came to say and gets the hell out of the way. That's noble. I'd love to be able to say "write moar," but this one just ain't the place for it.
That being said, the shortness of this piece doesn't necessarily help it, either. Because nothing really happens, I'm left without much direction at the end, and it does just sorta peter out. This little introspective piece could very well become the start of a larger story, though, one that could do this idea even more justice.

Final Verdict: 3.5/5 Pinkies
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It's nice, simple, and well-crafted, it's unfortunately just too short to leave a major impression on me.

- OtterMatt, WRITE Assignment Admin and Composer Laureate
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electreXcessive

electreXcessive #8 · Jan 7th, 2013 · · ·

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1920487
Hey. Thanks for doing the review so quickly. I've always had problems with em dashes. But it's nice to know that my story's not as big a piece of fucking shit as I think it is.

Isumo1489

Isumo1489 #9 · Feb 17th, 2013 · · ·

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Wow...um, this may seem a touch odd, but I gotta get this out there.

I've had a similar thought or two to this story before. Both because of the way the MLP universe works, but also when you compare Discord to say, Tirek. Say what you will about his plan's validity, but he was hard-core and kinda terrifying in that 80s sort-of way.

That said, I'm thinking of doing something similar to this, but with a story ongoing with it. It's compliant with Keep Calm and Flutter On, but with a twist. Your story's perspective would help a great deal, so if you're interested, let me know.