Twilight was sitting in her library, waiting for Spike to return. “I better get the tissues ready. Poor Spike...”
“I really hope that Rarity lets him down gently.” Twilight got up from where she had been sitting and began pacing around the library. “Well, this is Rarity; she will be sure to handle it in a ‘Ladylike Fashion’ as she would say. Still though, the way that Spike has been lately, I can’t see him being too calm, no matter what she does.” Twilight gave a nervous little laugh. “Oh, what am I thinking? There is no chance that Rarity would ever seriously consider being with Spike like that. In fact, I would give up my books for a week if that actually did happen.” She finished saying this just as Spike walked in the door.
“What was that, Oh Brainy One? I could have sworn you were having doubts about Rarity dating me?” Spike accused, anger flaring in his eyes. “My best friend, someone I’ve looked up to for years, spends her time being sarcastic about my feelings behind my back.”
Twilight’s eyes, however, were wide with shock. She knew she had hurt him, and from the angry look in his eyes, she had hurt him badly.
Spike stood with his arms crossed, an angry and hurt expression on his face. “Y’know, I was coming over here all happy, thinking that you were the first one that I wanted to tell my good news, thinking how excited I was to tell you what me and Rarity talked about, and what do I come home to? You, mocking the very thing that I was looking forward to telling you about.” Spike snorted in anger, smoke and flame emitting from his nostrils.
Twilight's face went from being in shock, to being mortified. One thought flashed through her mind:
DAMAGE CONTROL!
“Spike, I’m so sorry. You know how I get sometimes when I start over-analyzing things. My brain speaks on it's own sometimes when I get like that. I am so, so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?” Twilight got down on her knees, a pleading look on her face. “Please Please Please Please?”
Spike just stood there, arms crossed, and eyes narrowed.
Twilight inched forward, until she was at Spike’s feet. Placing her hooves on Spike’s feet she begged, “Please? I will never say anything like that again. I promise.”
At this, Spike burst out laughing. He laughed so hard tears rolled down his face, and he leaned on Twilight’s back for support. Spike continued to laugh, holding his sides with his claws. This continued for awhile, until his laughter devolved into giggling. He stood up, wiped the tears from his eyes, and looked down at Twilight, for whom all brain function seemed to have have shut down. Spike, still giggling, started to speak. “Hee hee, Twilight, sorry, hee, I couldn’t resist, hee heh, I had to do it, hah heh, you should see the look on your face, heh hah, right now. It’s priceless!”
Twilight blinked once, then twice. Slowly, she got to her hooves, trying to hide the blush on her face with a look of anger. “Spike, that isn’t a very nice thing to do.” She glared up at the dragon, the effect slightly lessened by his height. “What do you have to say for yourself?”
Spike looked at Twilight in amusement, letting out a chuckle. “Twilight, I’m not a little kid anymore. That won’t work on me.” Still, the lavender unicorn persisted, giving the not-so-little dragon her patented librarian stare. Minutes passed, with Spike shifting uncomfortably, Twilight staring him down with her most powerful glare, before he finally backed down.
“Ok, ok Twilight, I’m sorry. Jeez, I just wanted to have a little fun with you is all...” Twilight smiled, reaching up to pat Spike’s knee with a hoof.
“So, I take it Rarity had something good to tell you...?” Twilight asked, sneakily hiding the tissues with a burst of her magic.
Spike’s face lit up at the mention of his love. “How do I put this...?”
“ ... And she said that we both need to heal and grow. She told me that she wants me to be sure that it is her that I want to be with.” Spike looked at Twilight with a serious expression on his face, as if the words he were about to speak were painful. “I don’t know that I love her like I used to. I mean, I love her, I really do, but... I... the feelings I have for her now have changed from the feelings I had for her even two years ago. I look at her, and I see the mare I have loved for years, but I also see the mare that never really took me seriously. That hurts, no matter how you slice it.” Spike looked down, tears dripping down his face.
Twilight silently put a hoof on Spike’s shoulder, not knowing what to say.
“I spent ten years of my life on her, Twilight. I mean... I just... It hurts. It hurts a lot.” Spike started to sob, the emotion becoming too much for him.
Twilight waited until Spike stopped sobbing. “Have you thought maybe Rarity, as much as you love her, is not the one for you?”
Spike wiped his eyes, and looked at Twilight, an odd look on his face. “I have thought of that Twilight. I really have. There is actually somepony besides Rarity that I love. Not quite as much as I do Rarity, but I could see me and her being very happy together. The thing is though, every time I think about going after somepony other than Rarity, I can’t.”
Twilight cocked her head in confusion. “Can’t? What do you mean Spike?”
“I mean, I can’t. It’s like there is something stopping me from pursuing anypony other than Rarity, and the more I try to fight it, the more it seems that my fixation on Rarity grows.” Spike growled in frustration. “Why can’t love ever be simple?”
Twilight looked at him thoughtfully. “Spike, who else do you have feeling for besides Rarity?”
“Promise not to laugh?”
“Promise.”
Spike leaned in, and took a breath. “Pinkie Promise?”
“Do I really need to do that? I said I won’t laugh, and I won’t.”
Spike just gave her a look.
“Sigh... Fine. I Pinkie Promise that I won’t laugh.”
“Okay.” Spike took another, deeper breath. “Fluttershy.”
Twilight cocked her ear. “What’d you say?”
Spike breathed in, and then out. “Fluttershy.”
“Spike, you are going to have to speak up.”
“I said I like Fluttershy, okay?”
“See, that wasn’t so ha- Wait, did you just say Fluttershy?”
Spike gave Twilight a look. “What? What’s so surprising about that? Fluttershy is the first pony here in Ponyville that showed a genuine interest in me. Remember how excited she became when she first met me? Not to mention the fact that she is the kindest, most gentle pony I know. It doesn’t hurt either that she’s pretty cute. Is it really so strange that I have feelings for her?”
“Well, I guess not. I just would have expected you to be more attracted to somepony like Rainbow Dash, or even Pinkie Pie.”
“Why?” Spike asked with a questioning look.
“The fact that both of them are outgoing and pranksters. I figured they would be more appealing to you then somepony as quiet as Fluttershy.”
“Yeah, it surprises me too. I’m not quite sure what it is, but I know that I like her, no, love her. Besides, she is nowhere near as shy as she used to be. Remember that prank that she pulled on Pinkie Pie a few years ago?” Spike asked with a nostalgic smile.
Twilight smiled as well. “Yeah I remember. Those buckets of water attached to the balloons? That was hilarious!”
Spike shuffled his feet nervously. “So, yeah... I have had feelings for Fluttershy for some time now, but like I said, I can’t seem to let go of Rarity. Not saying that I want to do that, but still. I’m not sure what I want to do right now. Maybe I should go talk to Fluttershy about my feelings towards her. I know I’d like to, even if nothing comes of it.”
“Spike, I think you should do what you want to do, and if what you want to do is talk to Fluttershy, then I say go for it. Nothing good comes of keeping things bottled up. You should know that from experience.” Twilight took a deep breath. “You aren’t a child anymore. You have to take care of yourself. No one else is going to live for you. You have to go out and do that, Spike, you have not been doing that for quite some time, now. Am I wrong?”
Spike looked away, biting his lip.
“I know that you love Rarity, and have for quite some time.” Twilight said. “I watched you grow up, Spike. I watched you grow from a cute and naive little dragon, to a young adult dragon, who has spent the last decade of his life trying to impress a pony that, as both of you said, never took you seriously. You need to take the time to really think about, and search inside yourself, what you want to do, and who you want to be with. Find someone who will truly appreciate you, for you.”
Twilight reached out of hoof, drawing Spike’s face back towards her.
Spike, with tears in his eyes, said, “Thanks, Twilight. You always know what to say to cheer me up, and to set me straight.”
Twilight chuckled. “You don’t read as much as I do without learning a thing or two. Now, young dragon, I believe you have something that you need to take care of. And this time, go do it for you.”
Spike ran a claw over his eyes. “Thanks again Twilight. I’ll see you later, hopefully with more good news.”
Twilight gave Spike a smile and a shove. “Go on, get going. You have somepony that you need to talk to, and that pony isn’t me.” Twilight took on a more somber expression. “Just remember Spike, do what you do for you. Okay?”
“I will. Oh, and Twilight?”
“Yes Spike?”
Spike looked at Twilight with mirth in his eyes. “Don’t forget, You have to give up your books. I am holding you to that.” Spike stuck his tongue out and winked at Twilight as he walked out the door.
All that could be heard from the library as Spike walked away from it, was the sound of one very distraught unicorn.
______________________________________________________________________________
Rarity was sitting in her bedroom, her conversation with Spike running through her mind in an endless loop. Her face was scrunched up and drawn tight, her stress evident on her face. Contrary to the way that she had held her emotions in check earlier, Rarity was anything but calm on the inside. The torrent of anguish, anxiety, and anger threatened to completely overtake her: Rarity was visibly shaking due to the force of the emotion running through her.
She looked over at the item that had given her hope for the last nine years. The red glow from the Fire Ruby normally filled Rarity with peace, but as she looked at it now, it only compounded her grief.
Rarity gazed at the Ruby, as if seeking answers. It just glowed its soft glow, as if to say, “You know what needs to be done.”
Rarity rubbed her head with her hooves. Her horn lit up as she levitated a piece a blank piece of paper onto her drawing board. A pencil whipped around in a frenzy, as she was drawn into a creative fervor, fueled by the emotions welling up inside her. The pencil went back and forth, in every direction, up and down, left and right, crossways and sideways, until Rarity stepped back, slightly out of breath. Looking at what she drew for the first time, she gasped, the pencil falling from her magical grasp. For on the paper was not a dress or suit, nor was it any type of clothing. No, the image was that of Spike.
Spike in this drawing was not Spike in real life. Spike, although the biggest resident of Ponyville, was more lanky in build, rather than buff. Spike in the drawing was reminiscent of his old daydreams. In the picture he was tall, stocky, and built like a tank. Rarity stared at it in awe, blushing as she noticed that she had drawn Spike with particular attention to his nether regions.
Dear Celestia, is that really how I see him? It must be, or I would not have drawn this, but still...
Her eyes were drawn back to the picture. Specifically, his nether regions. Her cheeks reddened deeper than a tomato.
What in the name of all things ladylike is wrong with me? That is hardly proper. Although... No Rarity. Get a hold of yourself. That is not what you need to be focused on right now.
With a massive effort of will power, Rarity forced her thoughts away from her baser desires, and looked back at the drawing, this time avoiding certain areas. It would be a shame to simply throw this away though. This certainly cannot be seen by anypony else. I would never live down the shame.
The drawing moved in Rarity’s telekinetic hold, as she placed it behind her pillow for safekeeping. Her bed moved, as she got under the covers and laid down. Maybe some beauty sleep is all I need to get my mind back to normal. That, and a nice cup of tea when I wake up. Rarity drifted off to sleep, Spike, and the drawing racing through her mind.
______________________________________________________________________________
Spike wandered through the afternoon hustle and bustle of Ponyville, moseying around in an attempt to clear his head. Not paying attention to where he was going, he went right past the Carousel Boutique. Spike skidded to a halt, as he looked at the building, his thoughts filled with the mare inside.
What do I do now? I know what both Twilight and Rarity both said is true, but where do I go from here? I’m so confused. Rarity said that I need to make sure it is her that I want to be with, and Twilight said that I need to live my life for myself. How do I do either of those things?
Spike stood across the street from Rarity’s shop, staring at the dark windows.
Should I go talk to Rarity one more time? I want to talk to her. What could it hurt? Spike crossed the street, and knocked on the front door.
______________________________________________________________________________
Rarity awoke to the sound of knocking at her door. Yawning, she rolled over, levitated a hair brush to her mane, and got out of bed. Getting to the bottom of the stairs, she opened the door, starting in surprise at who was at her front door. “Spike, what are you doing here? I wasn’t expecting to see you, or I would have gotten myself better prepared.”
Spike grinned sheepishly. “Sorry Rarity. It’s just that with what we talked about, and what Twilight told me, I’m kinda confused. I don’t know what to do.”
Rarity looked at Spike in concern. “Well, why don’t you come in. Standing on the stoop of one’s residence is hardly the place for a conversation.” Rarity turned and walked back into her shop, with Spike following behind her. Rarity levitated her favorite couch over, and sat down. “Come, Spike, have a seat.” Spike sat on the opposite end of the couch. “So, Spike, what seems to be troubling you?”
Spike leaned forward, his claws intertwined with each other. “Well, I know that I just talked to you this morning and all, but after I talked to you, I went and talked to Twilight. I told her all about our conversation, and what you told me.”
Rarity sighed. “Spike, don’t you think that our conversation should have remained private? What we talked about was highly personal, for both of us.” Rarity shook her head. Spike looked at Rarity, a puzzled look on his face.
“What is the big deal? I mean, it’s Twilight, your best friend, and my sister in all but blood.”
“Well, I just don’t want ponies knowing about what we talked about is all. I mean, would you want just anypony to know about our conversation?” Rarity looked at Spike with a neutral expression on her face, as if to test his reaction.
Spike looked down. “No... I guess you’re right.”
A fleeting smile passed over Rarity’s face . “Well, at least it was only Twilight. So, what did she have to say?”
Spike drew in a breath. “She said that it is time for me to start living my life for me. That I haven’t been doing that at all.”
Rarity frowned, a sad look on her face. “I am much to blame for that, Spike.”
“I know, but still. It doesn’t really matter who’s to blame. That’s really not the point. Twilight is right. I haven’t been living for me. I’ve been living for you, and that hasn’t been fair to either of us.”
Rarity scooted over to Spike, and laid a hoof around his shoulders. “What else did she have to say, Spike?”
“She asked me if I had ever thought about being with anypony other than you.”
Rarity leaned away from Spike, her face becoming dead serious. “Have you, Spike?”
Spike turned, shifting his gaze away. “Yeah...”
“If you don’t mind me asking, who?” On the outside, Rarity was calm and collected, but inside a pressure was slowly building, right along the edges of her eyes.
Spike clutched his claws together, nervously rubbing them. “Well, I.. uh... don’t really know if that’s such a good idea... I mean, I wouldn’t want you to--”
“Oh come on, Spike, you can tell me. Everypony has thought of being with somepony other than the one they care for. It won’t hurt my feelings, I promise.” Rarity flashed Spike her biggest smile, the pressure inside slowly ratcheting up another notch.
“Uh... Well I don’t think that she would... That is, I don’t know if it would be good, I wouldn’t want it to get between you two...”
“Oooh... between us? It’s one of the girls?” Spike’s eyes shot wide open before zeroing in on a spot on the floor, as far from Rarity’s eyes as they could get.
“Hehe, why would you say that?” Spike asked, berating himself for letting something slip.
“Well, you said it yourself. You don’t want it to come between us, so it must be somepony we both know and care about.”
“Y-Yeah, I guess I did, huh?” Rarity got down on her hooves, walking around until she could lift Spike’s face with one, staring him right in the eyes.
“Come on Spikey-Wikey, you can tell me. Please?” Rarity batted her eyelashes, giving Spike a reassuring smile.
“It’s um, it’s Fluttershy...” Spike mumbled.
“What, darling? I didn’t hear you.” That wasn’t totally true, but Rarity wanted to make absolutely sure. “Say again, Spike, and please, speak up.”
“It... it’s Fluttershy...”
Rarity was almost positive she heard correctly, but it’s best to make sure. After all, she didn’t want to jump to any conclusions. “Once more?”
Spike swallowed hard, suddenly unable to keep his mouth from being dry. “F-Fluttershy....” He tore his gaze from Rarity’s, cringing as if afraid of being slapped, but the blow never came. Spike opened his eyes to see Rarity passed out on the floor in a dead faint.
______________________________________________________________________________
Rarity woke slowly, dizziness filling her head. “Ohhhhhhhhhh, what happened?” As Rarity’s head cleared, she saw that she was lying in her bed, the covers draped over her neatly. Rarity looked at the end of her bed, and saw Spike facing away from her.
“Spike, what are you doing in my room? What are you doing here?”
Spike turned at the sound of her voice. “Uh, don’t you remember what happened?” Spike looked at Rarity curiously.
Rarity scrunched up her face. “The last thing I remember is laying down to take a-- “
She paused. “Wait,” Rarity continued a second later, “didn’t you come over and talk to me--”
She sighed and put her face in her hooves. “Please don’t tell me I remember you telling me what I think you told me.” Spike just stared at Rarity, unable to form any words.
Rarity took her head from her hooves, her head turned down and to her right. Biting her lip, she said, ”I was afraid of that...” Spike came over to the side of the bed, kneeling down to Rarity’s eye level. “I thought you said that you wanted me to make sure that I really wanted to be with you?” Spike questioned, a puzzled look on his face.
Rarity looked up at Spike, her eyes watering. “I did say that, and I meant what I said.”
“But?”
“But, that has no bearing about I feel about you. Yes, I want you to be with whomever you are happiest with. That does not mean that I don’t love you.” Rarity looked at Spike, tears flowing freely down her face. “I love you Spike. No matter who you choose, or what you choose to do, I will always love you. Even if you don’t choose me, I want you to know that I will always be there for you.” Spike cupped Rarity’s face in one claw, and kissed her on top of her head. Rarity looked up, staring at Spike in wonder and amazement.
“Thanks, Rarity. That means a lot to me.”
Rarity sniffed. “Think nothing of it dear. Now, I do believe that you have a pegasus you need to talk to?” Spike started to speak, but Rarity cut him off. “Not another word, Spike. Go talk to her.” Spike simply nodded, started to walk off, and turned back.
“Thanks again, Rarity.” Spike gave her a warm smile, before walking out the door.
Rarity sighed as she walked back to her room. As she came to her bed, she brought her drawing out from behind her pillow, looking at it wistfully. Fresh tears started running down her face, as she held the picture to her chest. Oh, Spike. I love you so much... Please... Come back to me...
______________________________________________________________________________
Fluttershy was sitting on her couch in her cottage going over the latest reports from her patients. Over the years, her skill with animals and her willingness to treat any and all illnesses from a simple cold to something as bad as a broken bone had led to her home becoming the most visited veterinary clinic in Ponyville.
She had just finished reading through the latest charts on a young bird with a fractured wing when she heard a knocking on her door. I wonder who that could be... she wondered to herself as she fluttered over to the door and opened it with a hoof. “Oh, hi Spike. What can I do for you?”
Spike took a deep breath. “Well, there is something that I want to talk to you about. Are you busy?”
Fluttershy backed up to let Spike in. “Not at all. Come on in, Spike. Make yourself at home. Would you like some tea?”
Spike gave Fluttershy a smile. “I would love some tea. Thank you, Fluttershy.”
“Give me just a second, and I will be right back.” Fluttershy said as she went into the kitchen, moving her numerous papers so Spike could sit down.
Spike sat down on the couch as he waited for Fluttershy. That right there is what attracted me to her in the first place. She’s not Rarity, but she is the kindest pony I know, and she has always taken time to spend with me, even when she was busy with her work.
Fluttershy came back into the living room a couple of minutes later, bearing two cups of tea. “Spike? The tea is done.” Fluttershy waved a wing in front of Spike’s glazed over face. “Helloooooo? Anydragon home?” Spike snapped out of his reverie, looking up at Fluttershy with a goofy grin on his face.
“Oh, sorry about that, Fluttershy. I was just daydreaming. Thanks for the tea. It smells really good.”
Fluttershy giggled, and sat down across from Spike. “It must have been a pretty good daydream, for you to be that out of it.”
You have no idea, your royal cuteness.
Fluttershy took a sip of her tea. “So, what did you want to talk to me about?
Spike took a breath. “This has to stay between me and you, okay?”
Fluttershy gave a little nod.
“Well, Rarity had Twilight send me over to her Boutique earlier today. When I got over there, she wanted to talk to me about my feelings for her.”
Fluttershy sat up straighter. “Really, what did she say?”
The pegasus just listened as Spike talked, occasionally nodding her head, or asking a quick question. When Spike had finished speaking, she stood up, and put a wing around him.
“That must have been hard to hear, Spike. But what does that all have to do with me?”
Spike leaned forward, took a deep breath, and said. “What it has to do with you, Fluttershy, is that... that... I... love you too.”
Fluttershy withdrew her wing, and took a step back, shock plain on her features.
Spike winced, as if something was hurting him, but continued talking. “I love Rarity, but with what has happened between me and her, I just don’t know. I know that she told me to make sure that it is her that I want to be with. I would like to see what could happen between me and you... If you’d be okay with that, that is.” At these words, Spike started to twitch and shake uncontrollably.
Fluttershy looked at Spike with deep concern in her eyes. “Are you okay Spike? You look like you’re having a seizure or something.”
Spike looked at Fluttershy through glassy eyes, as if he were seeing her from far away.
Why do you persist in this folly young one? You cannot be with her, nor does it matter how much you love her.
Who... are... you? Why... can’t... I... be... with... Fluttershy?
You need not know who I am, save for the fact that I am a part of you, and a part of the Dragon race as a whole. As for your other question, that is something that I cannot tell you, save for one thing. If you truly desire to be with her, you will have to not only overcome yourself, but you will have to do something that only one other dragon has ever done. You will have to die.
Please... tell... me... your... name...
If you must call me anything, call me GoldHeart. You have a long path in front of you, young one, with many ways you could take. Not all of them end in happiness, and many of them end in despair for you. The final thing I will say is this: be very careful who you give your heart to.
Now, young one, you must sleep. Sleep, and dream. Dream of ages long past. Dream of the choices made in the name of “Love.” And then, you must make a choice. You must decide if your “Love” is worth giving up yourself for. I shall be watching, young dragon. Choose wisely...
Fluttershy fluttered around in a frenzy, as Spike fainted, going into a realm of dreams and visions.
Comment
2167565 Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.....
Witty, helpful comment.
2167665 NO.
How are you feeling today?
Seriously, what did you think?
2167672
Well, I still feel like what happens to Spike at Fluttershy's is sudden.
Still feel like shit, but it's more like a massive dump than the explosive diarrhea that it has been.
before i begin, i have to ask this question: how much slower than normal does the flow of time pass for the main characters?
ten years feel like more of a completely random number pulled out of nowhere than something that has actually taken place. the characters have for the most part the same roles and characteristics as they have in the show at current time. this is especially bothering when it comes to spike. he seems to not have grown at all mentally, even though he has supposedly become twice as old. however, what i noticed at first was the characters. all of them have rater random personalities. twilight goes from stupid, annoying big sister to caring mother and is really all over the place. the gag at the beginning where she says she will give up her books was just annoying and seemed forced. and while we are at the topic of forced, the conversations feels very unnatural. i have hard time putting words to this, but it's like there is no flow in the conversation. it is more like two people telling each other stuff in turns rater than an actual conversation.
there are also a few smaller issues including, but not limited to: the plot in general (really, i have no idea of what to make out of this story, it's like a drama-redemption-love triangle-soon to be adventure story or something like that) and the way you seem to try and force sexual tension upon the story (i'm sorry, but i have a hard time taking anything that is supposed to be raunchy seriously when you try to avoid the word "crotch" like the plague)
on the other hand, i must applaud you for fluttershy, she feels natural as a whole and seems to have grown with the years (and you did not make her say the cliche "assertive comment + um, but only if you want to". i will just ignore that you made spike do it instead.)
There is always an antagonist.
2167825 Ah, but the antagonist is not always who or what it seems.
Okay . . . . . I have no clue what's going on here. Is this a Sparity story or a FlutterSpike story? Furthermore, what the heck was up with that ending? I seriously have no clue what's going on now.
2167665
Who would downvote such an awesome comment?
2167830
No, the antagonist is always the one with a devious mustache.
Or the guy named Steve.
2168008 To answer your first question, that is for me to know, and you to wait and see.
To answer your second question, that ending is just something that I have had in mind since I first started this story, way back in October, when I first started this.
2168016 I have no idea who would downvote such a comment.
And yes, they always have a mustache.
2168184 I'm keeping my hooves crossed for a Sparity ending. The way at the end seems to signify that this "Goldenheart" is playing a role to make sure Spike ends up being with the mare he truly loves, Rarity.
2168327 Just curious, would it really be so bad if this had a FlutterSpike ending?
And as far as GoldHeart, this chapter is just the tip of the iceberg.
Okay, didn't see that coming. I hope there is going to be more on this GoldenHeart because I'm a bit of a fan of FlutterSpike and would like to know the reason why those two can't be together.
nice adition to the plot the flutterspyke or watever stuff, because it managed Rarity to oppenly admit her feelings to Spike, although I'm dissapointed as how he took it, as it didn't matter for him too much.
Just hope this will end as Sparity, I'm getting sick of stories I start reading are supposed to be sparity but later they turn into other pairing...
2168340 I don't hate FlutterSpike, it's my 4th favorite Spike pairing. I just don't like it when a shipping story between two of the main characters involves one of them being paired up with another character completely out of the blue. It's like a really big curve ball that often leads some readers disappointed to know that a pairing that looked like was happening suddenly shifty to another pairing so quickly. If anything it reminds me of Romance Reports where it looked like it was going to be a TwiLuna story, but suddenly turned into a CheeriTwi story instead with little to no warning at all. I particularly don't like it when shipping stories do these since instead of it being a twist to excite readers, it feels like a slap in the face when you're reading a story and suddenly the pairing you were expecting takes an unexpected turn into another pairing. But maybe that's just me.
Sorry if I'm ranting or anything. I just thought I'd get my thoughts out on this whole thing here.
Oh God... a telepresence with an alias... I've read enough fics to know that always makes things complicated.
The following opinion is for the Spike in the fanfic. It isn't meant to affect or involve it's creator, fans or other people that have worked on it. Just the fictional character of "Spike"
Ok....how do I begin...
I don't want to be the "wise-ass" in the story, but I think that everybody will agree with me on this.
YOU DON'T TELL A GIRL THAT SHE'S YOUR SECOND CHOICE!!! Not even if she's your best friend or a freaking saint, she will not like it.
NOT ONE BIT!!!
You should go there and be honest, yes, but not spat right in her face saying: "I love other girl, but I want to see how things go between us first, just to be sure, you know?"
That is a fools proof way to earn a kick in the dangling parts!
You go there and talk with her, spend time with her. See if things would work out. AND IF YOU'RE 100% positive THEY WILL, YOU GO AND ASK HER IF SHE WANTS TO BE MORE THAN FRIENDS!
IF THINGS DON'T WORK OUT, YOU JUST TELL HER THAT. THINGS AREN'T WORKING OUT.
YES, YOU WILL BE KICKED IN THE BALLS AS WELL, BUT NOT RIGHT OFF THE BAT! AT LEAST YOU SPENT SOME TIME WITH HER!
(NOTE: I'm a complete dick when it comes to relationships.)
2190511 Thanks for that. Made me laugh.
As for Spike, I actually have plans for that.
I gave up MLP ( i don't like neither the fandom nor the canon because of attitude to Spike ) for some time now, but i'm still watching your fanfic ( only your fanfiction links me to MLP ), because it intrigued me in the past.
And now, when i read this chapter, i was like "Hey, WTF just going on?"
From romance straight to mystery + complicating the relationships... And it's all in one chapter. Isn't it too fast for such a story? I know, it's a fanfiction, but your previous chapters were "measured", and now... Boom... And Spike is already moving on and trying to start a relationship with another girl. In addition, he confesses that he loves another one and he wants just to try with Fluttershy. Isn't it strange? I'm not a girl, but even i don't like to be second, especially in love.
I know, FLuttershy is kind and selfless, but that's really too much. Fluttershy is easy to be hurt, and this can hurt her, if she has some feeling for the young dragon.
Anyway, i hate Spike/Rarity, but i still have hopes for Spike/Fluttershy in the end of your story. Then, it would be nice ending of my liking for MLP.
P.S: it looks like, that i don't like your writing, but it's not that. I love it, but we just have different views on this story ( i will always be able to imagine another ending ;3 )/
2207076 Well, this chapter was meant to cover a lot. I actually made a blog post concering this very issue. I am using this chapter as a building block for later chapters. I am in no hurry with this story. There will be whole chapters dedicated to nothing but character building and depth. I plan on this story being very focused, and drawn out, in a good way.
In short, thanks for the feedback, and trust me when I say that I am nowhere near done.
Oh, and this is what you think it is.
I actually commented on this when it was released... must not have posted for some glitchy reason.
Twilight's part was hilarious; Spike got her good. It was nice to see Rarity putting Spike's feelings ahead of hers. It shows that she isn't just talk. And even though the thought of losing him scares her, she wants him to lead his own life.
Who doesn't love a inner voice trying to kill you!?
Well now, it looks like it's that time again. I do believe this review is the third I've given this story?
Should be fun
IT'S REVIEWIN' TIME
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Technical stuff and things
The paragraphs in the first chapter are a bit bulky. Could do with some splitting up. Check here if you're not sure on where to stick the breaks.
Oh, and it's more of a stylistic thing, but most authors tend to indent their paragraphs. Here's a summary of the rules
I get what you're going for when you capitalise the word "love" in the introduction (at least, I think I do), but it still doesn't sit well with me. Capitalising the word feels wrong, even if it is for some sort of emphasis. Same goes for generosity and such later on.
Infrequent small errors. Nothing persistently wrong, but there are occasionally forgotten spaces after punctuation, misplaced speech marks, even the occasional missed word, like in "I honestly don’t know I feel right now". You don't really make any of these mistakes consistently for me to advise revision, but I will recommend you take more caution in future. As for the existing problems, your best option is grabbing an editor to make a detailed sweep through.
I remember saying that this story suffered from purple prose last time I was here. This has mostly been solved, but the beginning still feels clunky. I have a feeling it's something to do with your sentence structure. They are, by and large, very short affairs, which makes it feel like the story is constantly stopping and starting. Could do with some commas n things, aye? By varying the length a bit more, it makes the whole shebang feel more natural.
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There's also a bunch of superfluous information that doesn't help the flow. Case in point: Rarity stood in her workshop, on Carousel Boutique’s upper floor, a piece of blank paper in front of her.
Now, why is it important that we know her workshop is on the second floor? I don't really see the relevance. And the way it was implemented wasn't great either.
If it was up to me, I'd say something about her gazing down on Ponyville or similar. There, the height is implied, yet not specifically pointed out. Much smoother.
Ellipses are only 3 long
There really needs to be some indication of the large jump in time beyond a change in line.
The bit with the story and stuff
This is what's had the most change since the last time I read this, so I reckon this should also get the most focus
Your characterisation for Rarity seems to be pretty much dead-on, as far as I can tell. She does genuinely care about his feelings, even if she doesn't always pick up on them. Twilight and Fluttershy aren't in it a lot, but from what I've seen they appear to be okay.
Spike was... mostly correct. His sorrow I can understand completely, and I get that he would hardly take Rarity's words with perfect grace. Some rage is what I'd expect, at least for a while. But he seems to be downright spiteful for quite some time going into huge detailed of how he hates her, and a bit too long to brush it off as "heat of the moment" sorta thing.
Personally, I'd have him switch to sorrow at an earlier point. Make him seem defeated and/or crushed, something like that.
Another point about him is that he recovers surprisingly quickly at the end of chapter three. In a situation like that, I imagine there'd be an insane amount of internal conflict if I were in his place. Making him leave with a bit more confusion in his heart would help, I think.
Edit from Future Plum: Yeah, his heart-wrenching torment seems to evaporate when he goes to Fluttershy's. Odd, that.
The love triangle thing was... sudden. There was no real hint of it during his earlier soul-searching, nor did Spike see it as particularly odd/confusing/conflicting/whatever to love two ponies. Just a thought.
Quick question: Why was Twilight distraught when Spike walked away from the library? It makes Spike sticking his tongue out at her a bit of a dick move.
As for Goldheart...
I'm not exactly sure what to think. He could prove interesting, but I have my doubts.
Part of this is because of how little I've seen him so far, and part is because he just seemed to come out of nowhere. I mean, an internal, inherited racial personification just appearing from thin air? What?
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General Doohickeys
I like the fact that you portray Applejack speaking without smothering her speech in y'alls and such. Subtlety is the key there. Noice.
General consensus is that those should be gentlecolt and coltfriend.
We see gentlecolt used several times in the show (here and here, for example), and we say boyfriend, as opposed to manfriend in real life, so colt matches up better.
HAH
Nice ponification there. I don't know if that was there last time I read this, but it amused me nonetheless.
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On the subject of Spike's internal monologue, you could really use a way to differentiate between the two sides of Spike. As it stands, it can get a bit confusing.
Another Edit from Future Plum: Aye, this carries on with Rarity too. Maybe only having one italicised would work? Or making one bold too?
Further Future Plum Editing: Yeah, this gets compounded with the introduction of Goldheart. Needs fixing.
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There is an odd focus on the fact that Rarity drew his undercarriage with detail. Just a heads-up, but the site rules say that you have to mark for any mature content in a story, even if it hasn't happened yet.
Not saying it has to, but if you do plan to take it in that direction, it'd be best to indicate so as soon as you decide.
One consistent niggle of mine is that the characters in this story seem to turn on the waterworks at the drop of a hat. I've got no problem with a few moist eyes and whatnot, but when it only takes a second for tears to "flow freely down [their] face", it gets a bit silly. I'd say either make the change more subtle (add in phrases about how their eyes begin to water earlier on) or just leave them on the brink of crying.
Overall hoojamaflips
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Smoothness. That's what you need to sort out. From sentence structure to character emotions, you need to reduce how clunky they seem. When introducing new ideas (Flutterlove and Goldheart, for example) be sure to leave hints leading up to their grand reveal.
You'll be pleased to note that your syntax is, on average, better than most I review (aside from the aforementioned clunkiness). Fixing what problems exist shouldn't be too hard, just be more wary in future.
Spellcheck is useful, aye, but not perfect.
Keep an eye on Spike's character. His emotions seem to fluctuate more than most, especially with the introduction of this Goldheart thing.
Otherwise, you should be alright to carry on.
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~Professor Plum, WRITE’s Drunk Demoman
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Okay let's start with what I think of the story overall: Meh. Now that that's out of the way on to the review.
Fictional: Chapter one was a good foundation to describe where Rarity was emotionally and how she had gotten there, but I found it to be rather lacking in interest. There wasn't anything that really caught my attention that would have made me want to keep reading. Not to say that it's bad, it just seems to be moving at a slower pace than what I'm accustomed to so I'm going to be keeping that in mind while reading the rest of this.
Critic: I'm a little curious as to how your mind works, because I can admit to talking to myself on occasion but never before have I told myself that I am my own conscience.
Fictional: It does seem to be an odd trait, I can understand this for Spike's character since it would seem he is going through something altogether more ethereal, but Rarity having these thoughts seems to be a bit too odd for my tastes.
Critic: There it is again in chapter 3 where Rarity begins actively talking with herself about the concept of truth. It really confuses me. Most would already have their own definition of what is right and wrong and would have already come to the conclusion of what needs to be said or done. Yes there are times when those things are difficult to say but most wouldn't have regrets about it, they just would hope that the person receiving the news could handle it better than they are. Then again I'm often called an emotionless void so it could just be me. That being said however, I don't typically see these means implemented in other forms of media so I will at least assume that it isn't a popular thing to do.
Fictional: Now we come to chapter 4 where we get our first glimpse of Twilight and her relationship with Spike, and I think you described it rather aptly when saying that she was his sister in all but blood. Unfortunately that is not a good thing. Twilight is his friend, but she also holds the role of his mother, and what has been described is rather too close to that of siblings.
Fictional Critic: Forgive me for being harsh but I can't seem to find an immersion point in this story. It moves extremely slow, portrays emotions in such a way that I can't understand, gives inner dialogue that doesn't seem realistic in most senses, and on top of that the characters feel like they've been changed so as to fit in this soap opera. Overall it feels like you tried to make something with lots of drama and came up with something very close to comedy. Forgive my assumption but I'm curious if you know what you are writing. Not to say that you aren't aware of the words but I am curious if you know the meaning behind what it is you are trying to convey because everything just seems so disjointed with any sense of realism that I am unable to connect with it. In fact, after seeing the way Spike acts and is treated by the other characters I'm almost willing to believe that this is a self-insert story hiding behind a story about Spike.
Advice: research, speed up the pace, and make chapters take up entire days so as to improve. There was a lot of fluff that could have been taken out and the the chapters could have blended seamlessly together into one 2000 word chapter, I am certain in that assumption. So I can understand wanting to try and get more words in faster, but it's clearly affecting the stories content and would urge you to take more time to insure you convey what you want to.
2334293
I also agree with everything this individual pointed out.
what... what is this sorcery?
2507533 You like it that much, do ya?
2507560
that is quite the understatement, good awesome sir
2507586 You are just saiyan that.
2507617
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In all seriousness, I had a bit of trouble reading this. There were parts were I would skip whole paragraphs because of the rambling and not feel like I missed anything important.
Beyond that, the overall structure of your paragraphs made some things difficult to follow. Mainly, it's the description followed by speech followed by more description with no breaks that did me in. That kind of thing works great, sometimes, but I think it detracted a bit here.
That said, I like the premise and your story-telling, while long winded at times, is still good and paints a believable picture of the characters.
All in all, I give it a 6/10: will continue reading; may not like at the end.