Love. It is the most powerful force in existence. It has survived eons, and lived throughout the most horrid of times. Love drives individuals to great lengths, so what happens when the one you love does not love you back? What do you do when you cannot let go of the one you love?
Spike's unrequited love for Rarity is on the verge of shattering his heart.
This is my very first fanfic, ever. Please, if you favorite this, please leave a comment saying what you liked about it. If you do not like this, please, leave a comment saying what you did not like about it. Feedback is essential for me to improve my writing.
Chapters (7)
Wall of text! Indent your paragraphs. Your syntax and diction look fine to me.
In the second paragraph, you use the word 'typical' 11 times. It gets a wee bit repetitive, you might want to change that.
You can ignore those who are yelling at you to indent paragraphs. While it is technically the proper style, as long as paragraphs are separated in some way, it should be fine. See, I come from deviantART and LiveJournal, where it's extremely difficult to indent paragraphs. Double spacing between paragraphs is just fine, at least in my opinion. That being said, the final "paragraph" is very, very long. I'm talking Moby Dick long (I read a good chunk of it for a lit class, and it was a lot to chew on). In diamond terms, it's about 500 carats.
No, Rarity, bigger paragraphs are not better. Not in modern English. I would try and find natural breaks and split that puppy up into at least six or seven pieces to make it more manageable.
I think the premise is good. Rarity's atypical indecision and unease, in contrast with the mundane bustle of Ponyville life, as well as allusions to the show fit together nicely. Spike + Rarity is one of my OTPs, as well (Achievement Unlocked: Declaration of Bias). Again, I think it would be a bit more manageable if that soliloquy was split up into smaller chunks.
As far as stylistic things, I disagree with Man_Demon; the repeated use of "typical" and its paradigms serves the purpose of this particular narrative style. But I do agree with the general consensus that longer chapters are expected. Now, I've read great books where chapters were no more than a couple of pages. And I myself tend to break at around 3-5K per chapter (I've been asked to write longer chapters than even that). Personally, I think that the first chapter could have been longer, though I don't know what else could have gone in.
Having been asked to read this through, I'm of an agreed mind here with mbrsart. Also being from dA, indentation isn't exactly the easiest thing to manage, though pressing the Tab Key once works wonders. Spacing/separation of the paragraphs is needed as well. When someone says something, that's usually either it's own line, or at the beginning of a small paragraph depicting their actions.
Unlike mbrsart however...I am also in accord with Man_Demon in that Typically was used one too many times. While using the same descriptive word can be a good tool to lay on thick layers of sarcasm or to really point out how similar/dissimilar something is from something else, overuse can stand out like a sore thumb.
As far as the 'Sparity' in this fic...I'm not much for 'Ship stories...but hey. Who doesn't wanna see everyone's favorite dragon end up with the white diamond in the rough?
1464818 Thank you for all of your feedback! I truly take it to heart.
I was asked to give this a read, so I am going through chapter by chapter.
In the very first line, there's a tense-disagreement: It has been 5 years since Twilight Sparkle and her assistant Spike had come to Ponyville. You're looking for something more like "It had been five years since Twilight Sparkle and her assistant Spike first came to Ponyville."
On a similar but separate note, your heavy use of "you" during the descriptions feels kind of awkward. It's a weird way to frame descriptions, since you abandon it once that sequence is over.
Lastly, Rarity's musings about Spike are not presented as an internal monologue or as thoughts or the like -- they just spill out on the page in a very "Telling instead of Showing" sort of way. While you don't ALWAYS have to "Show, Don't Tell", in this case it's kind of an info-bomb.
Imagine if this was an episode.
Between
"None of them wanted to be with me because they loved me."
and
"I was so blind. I wanted somepony to call my own, when I had a gentledragon right in front of me the entire time!",
Rarity... just sort of stands there in a trance, not moving or changing expressions or sighing or talking to herself out loud or looking at pictures or mementos or anything... just maybe a slow zoom in on her blank expression for about 250 words until BLAMMO! Realization!
See what I mean?
Wow. After getting some of my rewrite done, and looking back on the intro to this chapter, I can see how much the word typical is overused. Just wow...
Alright, as promised. I shall look over and give some critiques to hopefully enhance your writing more.
I know that the people above stressed overuse of the word 'typical'. While I can understand you wanted to create emphasis on how normal things were, I think overdoing it made the original purpose decline a bit.
Hm... I can imagine that. The only thing - sobbing? I can imagine her fretting and/or chewing her lip as she ponders over the past, but not sobbing (which is accompanied by tears and sorrows that rack your body).
Overall, not a bad first chapter. These were things that really stood out to me. What I really want to address is the pace of the story.
It begins with when they arrived in Ponyville. Then it skips forward quickly to Rarity's life as it is now. I feel like it's a bit fast paced, so... to slow down the story a bit (give it more time to develop), why don't you add a bit more about Rarity and how she felt about him five years ago? Describe how passionate and vivid his infatuations for her were, or how she didn't take much interest in him for [insert reason here]. Stories can be a lot more interesting and very grabbing if you wow the audience within the first paragraph; it makes them want to finish reading.
So, to give it extra pizzazz, start the story off in present times. Then go back to a flash back and describe in detail, leading up to what's happening now. This way, the story isn't rushed and the audience will get a clear picture of what's happening now and what happened in the past to make it lead up to now.
Sounds good? Hope I could help you with your story, should you choose to make suggested corrections. I wish you the best of luck in your future stories!
Cheers!
~hannahs98 (a.k.a. the Follower)
This rewrite actually feels a little better reading. The situation between Rarity and Spike is better explained.
1746655 I am glad that you like it. Anything that you noticed that you did not like?
Why didn't you let me know to pre-read it again?
Ah well, time to read it. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_rape.png
This. I like this.
/)^3^(\
Dashface approves.
1746676 The length maybe. However, it's just the first chapter. I might be able to point out a few things later in the story. Right now, I just feel this rewrite was better overall. Sorry for not being to much help.
To be perfectly honest your old version kinda sucked. Starting from scratch is a smart move.
1746879 That is part of the reason that I rewrote it. What do you think of it now?
1746774 Anything anyone tells me is helpful. I appreciate your feedback.
1746906 Please, when you get the chance, please tell me what you thought. Feedback is always appreciated!
You know, with this much thorough feedback you're bound to write a great story
As for me, I'mma just be lazy for now, cause I'm tired, and say that I liked it. Wonder how Fluttershy's gonna figure into all this...?
1746992 Thank you. When you are not so tired, please leave some more feedback.
1747040 Well, it has more to do with the fact that Rarity is starting to realize how badly she has treated Spike. She has come to a point where she can no longer lie to herself. Make sense?
1747100 What part made it sound like that?
1747178 Okay. Thanks.
Nice. I just have one question. How old is Spike in this story.
1747194 I haven't quite figured that out yet, but he is an adult in this story.
Why the heck am I in the acknowledgements? I did nothing...at all...really. Nothing consequential anyway. (Anything I may have said was basically stated better by one of the others on your list.) So really, why am I on there?
...
Wow, I really just missed a chance to get credit for nothing...
DERN YOU INTEGRITY! You're no fun!
1459638 Soliloquies are almost always single paragraphs, mate. Romeo and Juliet was never really my thing, but it has one of the most commonly referenced soliloquies. It's about 2 and a half pages long.
I want the next chapter, WAAAAAAAAANT
I'll start by saying that indenting would be good and can be done by pushing a single button at the top of the chapter edit page. The double spacing is well done. Formatting aside, let's talk content. The ambiance at the beginning is a excellent touch to start off on. Now, while being fanfiction, everyone should know who Rarity and Spike are, but when introducing characters it is important to describe them. The whole chapter was very deep, and it showed off Rarity self-contempt and the reason perfectly. We get a real feeling for the characters and their emotions, and that's how it should be. This chapter is a perfect example of less is more, so no worries there. You put a lot of time, hard work, and thought into this, and it shows. Keep it up, and we'll have something worth every word here.
1746893 It looks great.
1747962 Thank you. The fact that you like this means a lot to me, coming from you. If it were not for you, and may others, this rewrite would not exsist. So, thanks again.
1750418 Glad you like it.
1747906 The next chapter will come in due time. When that is, I have NO idea. Your patience will be worth the wait, I assure you.
1747723 Because, you helped me in ways that only you could have done. Everybody is different, and everybody has different ways of looking at things. You are credited for helping me becuase you are you, just the same as everyone else is themselves. My rewrite is not just my own. If it were not for the MASSIVE amount of help that I recieved from everyone, including you, this would not have EVER gotten done.
1750512 Yes, well the key now is to keep improving as you go. I don't think that'll be an issue, though.
1750928 I will definetly do my best to keep improving. I got a question for ya. Would you be willing to be one of my pre readers?
1750971 Maybe, after I get the two updates out this month. I'm quite pressed for time, at the moment.
1757189 Okay.
1615635 I think he means have some verbs thrown in there. paced about; went over to the window, etc. Stuff like that.
I must say the narration has been greatly improved! I can't think of anything negative about this chapter. Great job, keep up the good work.
You sir deserve a round of applause.
PS: I want to read more! XD
1791323 Thank you! If things go as smoothly as I hope they do, I am hoping to have the next chapter out by the end of the month.
Well, overall it seems like a good idea; Shimmering Sight is kind of a jerk, and Spike is there when he's needed, as always. I guess there is one big problem with this version, and I'm guessing it's the reason you wanted to do a re-write; the whole show-versus-tell thing. Most people mean that on a small scale, like 'telling' that Rainbow Dash is angry, instead of 'showing' that her wings are flared, she's snarling, ect.
What I mean by that is a more large scale version; I'll use this as an example:
This paragraph alone could be expanded out to a whole scene covering those events. It would feel more up-close and personal, as though you're actually there, instead of just being told, "Ok, there's a new guy in town and he's stalking Rarity, more-or-less."
1830872 Well, what you are reading IS my rewritten version. The reason that I did not go into detail with them actually meeting, is becuase it would have taken away from the flow of the chapter. My focus in this chapter was not the meeting, it was the fight, and Rarity's feelings. I actually plan on elaborating more on the details through Spike's perspective in the next chapter. I am doing my very best to write these characters in a realistic manner, and in doing so, they will have different ways that they think about, and look at things. Spike's perspective on things will be much more focused on the events of the past, because of the way that I think he would think. If that makes any sense. What did you think of the fight scene?
1831089 Well, I see it looks changed here; I was reading the old version, as I'd left it sitting open in a tab until I could get around to it. Anyway, my general policy is to show no matter what, and simply try to write the scene in a way that would preserve the flow.
I suppose that makes sense.
Anyway, the fight scene in the original was okay, but I admittedly didn't really go in-depth in scouring for errors, as you'd rewritten it anyway.
1831173 Hopefully, as I write more, and thus get more experienced with the typed word, showing will become second nature to me. Thanks for looking at this. Means a lot!
1831186 Eeyup, and no problem!
1831192
1831200 AAAAH IT'S EPICDONUTS' EVIL TWIN!
images.wikia.com/mlp/images/8/85/Applejack_panic_S3E2.png
1831213
Nice, I like were this story is going now that I have read it. From the description I though Spike was going be be only one heartbroken, little happy to see I was wrong, at least for now I guess. Keep up the good work, looking forward to the next chapter.
Oh, almost forgot to ask but, is this an older looking Spike or the his he the same size from the show? Just like to know, helps me better to visualize what I'm reading, thanks.
This is an older Spike. Ten years older to be exact. He is roughly one and a half times bigger than Big Macintosh. Thanks for the fav and the feedback!