When Bon-Bon meets Lyra for the first time, she likes her. But soon their friendship grows a little closer, and Lyra discovers a romantic side she didn't know she had, as well as other sides to her personality.
Chapters (8)
- Member Since 22nd Sep, 2012
- offline last seen Saturday
StormHoof32
A writer who enjoys putting a smile on peoples faces. If a story makes you smile, I've done my job. :)
StormHoof32
Joined 22nd Sep, 2012 ·
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Not bad. This seems a little forced/rushed, but most other LyraxBonbon fics I've read have had Lyra as the flirtatious fillyfooler and Bon-Bon as the oblivious (and/or homophobic) one, so that makes it more interesting.
Also, I really love the cover pic. It reminds me of the There She Is!! flash series with Doki and Nabi. ^_^
But as to what i really love about you is your personality." she explained This is a great fic however it feels as if your going a million miles an hour they just met and all of a sudden they know each others personalty?
Short/ no development = clop one-night stand
long/ lengthy (multiple chapter development) = passionate long-lasting love-story and relationship
It seems your trying to write a story about two mares falling in love with no sex, clop or other adult content. But you are using the development speed of the average meet'n'buck clop. Please take more time to build suspense and develop the characters.
that being said i like fav watch mustache
and I love the story.
weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/dis-gon-b-gud.gif
1428466 1428479 Fic has been changed a bit. I hcanged the wording in ch 2. It'll give me more time to get them together and more into eachothers personalities. enjoy! *BroHoof!*
Wow. Your writing has really come along since I first saw you. The plot is as good as ever, but with this one, your writing is more thorough, which is awesome. It is also great to see you get good reviews for a story. You deserve them.
Ok everyone, New chapter is up, hope you enjoy it. It gets kinda convoluted. Heeheehee!
I wanna know wath celestia gonna do!!! MORE!!!
1437196 New chapter will be up tomorrow. I crank out chapters in les than mere hours! So says the great and powerful stormhoof! Lol, sorry, stuck in trixie mode!
Your Rarity is a little, tiny bit too smug. But really, who cares! This is going well so far, except for the part where Bon-Bon goes into full-on stalker mode.
Um, not a fan of this development. I liked it better when the princesses weren't meddling in the lives of their subjects. That sort of things just leaves a bad taste in my mouth
I honestly hope this fic gaolins enough popularity to be featured!
Edit: I hope this gains enough. supposed to be gains. lol.
D'awwwwwwwwwww
New chapter is up!
I love the story!
I find it funny and heart wrenching at the same time!
Keep up the great work!!
First comment about summons this chapter up.
But I do it again anyway. D'awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Please don't ship Celestia and Twily. Pretty please?
1448333 i will not be focusing on twilestia, that was hust to get celestia out pf da picture. Lol.
Yay! Had my worried a bit there. Idk what it is but I view Celestia and twilight having a mother and daughter type of relationship.
1448464thats believable. Ill be adding a new ch tomorrow. Keep an eye out. But for now, im gonna read some rarijack fics
.
1448464 plus they were meant to advance the story, not be part of it like fluttershy and rarity.
1448464 and who was the 1only dislike! Wtf!
1448683
Yeah seriously, you think they would let you see who likes and dislikes your stories.
1448666
1448648
I will be waiting for your chapter all day! I shall be checking constantly at work
It wasnt bad but I felt like it was going to fast. Sorry but ima thumbs down.
Yes a new chapter! Bon-Bon was so sweet getting her tht gig :)
Makes me feel all warm and cuddley inside
5 outta 5 mustaches!
I shall be wait for moar!
This chapter made me feel all fuzzy inside!
But srsly, I have a mold growing in my stomach and if I don't get help I'm gonna [PUFFFH]
"I-I...uh...Yes! Yes Lyra I will!!!!!" she said as she rushed forward to embrace her fiance
Hmmm. I think you mean yes bon-bon i will, seeing as bon bons doing the asking. And don't stop here. More.
Hey>>1467456hey I fixed that error. Thx for ointng that out
1468818 You're very welcome. And please don't stop here. I'm enjoying it so very much
I would like to see more of Rarity and Fluttershy.
This story is great by the way. Your writing keeps getting better each chapter. I can't wait to see what else you're writing.
1468955 I might add an epilogue, but it won't be for a while. Im gonna be starting on a Vinyltavia story. I'm gonna try to at least write one story for ever one of the most popular pairings.
1469186 And thx Garbo, as you can see above, I will be writing a new fic. Hope you all enjoy it!!!
1471351 Oh. I'm ok with that. Most of the Vinly/Tavi stories I've read have been good.
Your doing a great job on this story. I t would be a shame if you stopped here. The ending seemed a little rushed. All in all, very good job!
Moar!
1478804
A little rushed? The Flash on speed writing in shorthand couldn't have made this pacing any faster.
That being said, Stormhoof i noticed you've missed a few capitalizations at the beginning of sentences in your work, as well as forgetting to capitalize last names of ponies. I'm guessing your not using Word or any software that has proofreading capabilities so ill keep it short. In whatever program your using (notepad for instance) press & hold CTRL+F to bring up Find and type a single period. That way you can browse all the endings of sentences & check if you have proper capitalization. Same goes for names just type in the name of the respecting pony and search to see if its properly capitalized.
Or download Open Office.
With that said, more is appreciated.
I'm sure you meant she stopped playing
noticed
that
They
...
....
..........
You need an editor brother, I had to stop my internal grammar nazi to enjoy the rest of the story. I like the premise and found it to be quick, while not being overly rapid. So far I am entertained.
changed
Sort feel like
, but hay, what do I know?
1437237
in less than
This is starting to become a games for me..... also, I like the story so no hard feelings!
I definitely liked the story, the dislikes might have something to do with the earlier errors in your first chapter.
BTW
pointing
Cause you're worth it!
ok...way way too fast.
Their using the word love alot without really knowing each other. That just seems really odd.
didn't even get half way in and had already face palmed 3 times...Really?
Just all of a sudden telling a secret like that?
No offence to looking through her stuff?
Setting something like that up With Shiny Butt?
Reacting like that wasn't too bad but her actually saying basically "yeah i guess I've been spying on you." I mean really? Who would admit that?
just....ugg
Don't even know why i'm still reading.
Kinda like a carwreck i guess. Bad but I can't look away...
I'll keep going but honestly it seems like all you do is set something up and immidietely use it.
uggg.............finally. Even car crashes get boring after a while. This bit...It was the push that finally got me off the cliff.
Good premise. Bad execution.
Spelling errors, Grammar issue. Rushing faster than the bus from "Speed" the word love is used so much it loses its importance. Not going to thumb down since you did manage me till this chapter but i'm gone. Good luck and have a good life. (BTW this is not sarcasm. I really am wishing you a good life)
1591175 your comments hurt a lil bit, but i welcome nonetheless. They will help with my writing in the future, thanks.
I second that you really need an editor to comb through this story. There are tons of errors that make it hard to enjoy what could be a very cute story, and getting those fixed will help it tremendously. Secondly, it feels like this chapter moves very fast. Slow it down and take your time to really develop the characters. Let them talk for more than a few sentences at a time.
1610616 thx for the tip. i will keep it in mind.
I have nothing i can add the other readers are on par.
However i do like the personal touches to Lyra's musical life. The music sheets, the hidden house (Little odd but still interesting), and her personal drive to make all her own music is quite endearing.
Lyra is overpowered and everything is escalating far too quickly. How does Bon Bon know Celestia well enough for such a favor?
1629838 just so u know, ur questions r appreciated. and i will not answer them. i wrote this fic this way, to cause questions. why this, why that. Its just how i do things.
1581523
Heh, grammar Nazi. If I've been told correctly, there should be a way to actually correct/fix the mistakes even though they've been published. If that's the case, I'm going to throw a couple more things in that need correcting.
it
Then
it
we're
I'm going to stop there so that I don't completely dissect your story. I have to agree with cormac and nostromo about the speed of this, but it is a decently written story. I liked the fact that Lyra has her own special little hut to write her music
.
I'm going to see where this goes
ouch. . . that was. . . ludicrous speed.
I gotta say, slow down. It's nice that they're moving in together, but there needs to be a little development in it.
At the beginning, I assume it's the same day that ch 1 left off on, which begs a question. In about, I don't know 30-40 hours of knowing her, wouldn't Lyra think it's a little odd that this pony she just met, is offering her own home for Lyra to stay in?
The conflict between Lyra and her parents is interesting, hopefully it doesn't become something thrown into the background.
One last bit before I jump into the next chapter. "Things couldn't get worse." This is a little unneeded unless one of the two mares had thought this as they fell asleep.
The story was nice, it really needed a grammar comb and some pacing, but the story was interesting.
I think you should write about their wedding.
1653168 A lot of people are saying that. I will write a wedding when i get to it. right now i wanna continue on my dashfire fic.
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/353/279/e31.jpg
But not bad.